


Strange What Desire Will Make Foolish People Do

by crazywalls



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Artist Steve Rogers, Asexual Steve Rogers, Awkwardness, Bad Decisions, Bad Puns, Bisexual Bucky Barnes, Blow Jobs, Boys Kissing, Coming Out, Cuddling & Snuggling, Demiromantic Steve Rogers, Denial of Feelings, Drama, Extended Families, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fights, First Dates, First Kiss, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Heavy Drinking, Homophobia, Honestly just SO MUCH DRAMA, House Party, Illnesses, Jealous Bucky Barnes, Lies, M/M, Making Up, Mechanic Bucky Barnes, Pierce is a sanctimonious bigoted dick, Pillow & Blanket Forts, Pining, Romance, Sharing Clothes, Sharing a Bed, Slow Burn, Slow Dancing, Teacher Steve Rogers, Tickling
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-14
Updated: 2018-04-07
Packaged: 2018-10-18 15:48:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 37
Words: 93,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10620096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazywalls/pseuds/crazywalls
Summary: It all starts innocent enough, with a bet and the hope for a free dessert. But when Steve proposes to Bucky, his best friend, to get said dessert, things get out of hand and they find themselves in a situation neither of them had expected.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from Wicked Game by Chris Isaak, the rating might change as this story progresses  
> I imagine Bucky to look like he does in the first Cap movie - or like TJ Hammond in Political Animals - and Steve pretty much like after his transformation in the movies, just a few years younger

Friday night until Saturday evening, sometimes even till Sunday afternoon, was Steve-time. It had been that way for years now, ever since he had befriended the tiny but always belligerent kid in his first year of High School. Being the new boy at school hadn’t been that bad, really. Bucky was outgoing and got along with pretty much everyone. Steve, at that time, not so much. His sense of justice got him into more trouble than anyone else at school or in their neighbourhood but Steve just couldn’t let things go. He never backed off, no matter how many hits he took.

That’s how they had met, behind the gym. Bucky had intended to smoke in between classes and sneaked off for a quick cigarette. He’d quickly realised he wasn’t the only one to seek some privacy behind the old building. Even before he had rounded the corner he could hear a pained groan, followed by curses. When he had seen the skinny blond from his P.E. and English classes trying to land a punch on a guy about twice his weight, Bucky had shaken his head and pocketed his pack of smokes again.

“Hey, pick on someone your own size,” he’d called out as the guy had raised his fist again to deliver another blow. Unsurprisingly, big guy as well as scrawny blond had turned to glare at him. That kid had an attitude, Bucky had already noticed that much in class. He just couldn’t remember his name. Scott? Samuel? Stewart? No, none of them seemed right…

At least it made the older boy – a senior, Bucky was pretty sure, how pathetic – let the kid be for the moment. “You got a problem?” he snarled.

“Yeah, it’s big and ugly and apparently too much of a loser to fight someone who’s not a foot shorter.”

That day, Bucky had gotten himself a bloody nose and detention, together with the bully and the skinny kid – Steve, he’d introduced himself as they both were sent to the bathroom to clean up by the teacher that had broken up the fight – but it had been worth it. Bucky would do it all over again.

Everyone had been surprised when Bucky and Steve had become inseparable almost instantly but Bucky liked the smart, nerdy boy with a heart of gold. It didn’t matter how many fights Steve had gotten them both into or how often Bucky cursed him and called him a stupid punk too dumb to run away. They were always there for each other. Bucky helped Steve get out of conflicts more or less unscathed, Steve in turn helped Bucky with English homework and his art assignments, neither subject being Bucky’s strong suit. He had even giving up smoking so Steve wouldn’t get any asthma attacks when they hung out.

Spending half the weekend together had started soon after, over the holidays the boys practically lived at each other’s houses, and it had stayed that way after graduation. They both had their own small apartments now, a twenty minute bike ride from each other, and even if their lives were busy with work, studying for exams, internships and whatever else college threw at them, the weekends were sacred.

That was why Bucky was heading up the stairs to the sixth floor late on Friday afternoon, cursing the old building Steve lived in and his landlord for not giving a damn about getting the stupid elevator fixed. Thank goodness Steve’s health had improved significantly over the last years and he had grown and filled out, now being just as tall as Bucky.

Finally, he reached the landing and Steve’s door, breathing heavily as he knocked. A moment later the door swung open and Steve greeted him with his usual “Hey, Buck” and brilliant smile.

“We really need to start hanging out at my place again,” Bucky panted. “I hate those fucking stairs. Wasn’t the elevator s’posed to get fixed like three weeks ago?”

“C’mon, it’s not that bad. And it’s a great workout. Plus, you and I both know why we don’t stay at your place.” Steve smirked and pulled Bucky inside. “Your shoebox of an apartment always looks like a tornado blew right through it.”

Following Steve into his small living room after leaving his shoes and backpack by the door, Bucky protested, “It does not. Not everyone’s as fussy as you. I bet your place only looks this clean when you expect someone.” He slumped down on the sofa, taking up enough space for Steve to glare at him and push his legs down to sit next to him.

“You really think I’d clean up for _you_?” he mocked.

“I refuse to believe that you’re as perfect as you make everyone think you are, Stevie.”

Steve laughed and smacked Bucky with a pillow. “You know I’m not perfect.”

With a grin, Bucky grabbed the pillow and hit his best friend back. He wanted to disagree but that would only be weird. And if there was one thing that Bucky didn’t want it was for things to get weird between them because of his ever-growing crush on Steve. He couldn’t risk their friendship for something like that, never.

“Whatever,” he said and leaned back, stretching his arms over his head. “So, what’re we gonna do tonight?”

“How about going somewhere to eat and maybe a movie later?”

Bucky nodded. “Yeah, that’s cool. Wanna go to Thor’s?” Thor’s bar was their favourite place, one they frequented with their other friends.

“Actually, I was thinkin’ something a little more special. I got something to celebrate,” Steve smiled.

“Huh?” That got Bucky’s attention.

“Remember that short comic I’ve been working on?”

“The one ‘bout representation in mainstream media?”

“Yup. A magazine wants to publish it.” Now Steve was beaming at Bucky.

“What, seriously? That’s awesome, Stevie! Congratulations! We definitely gotta celebrate that!” Bucky knew how much his art meant to Steve. His comics were clever, funny and practically masterpieces (so what if Bucky was a little biased, Steve’s art was amazing), most of them discussing social issues, so it had only been a matter of time until someone wanted to publish them.

They searched the web for bars and restaurants that they didn’t know yet and settled on a small, family-owned pizza place Bucky’s little sister had told him about a few weeks earlier. Since taking their bikes would take them at least forty minutes and Bucky whined that he was practically starving they took the subway.

It felt great to walk through the busy streets with Steve now that the weather was getting warmer and the days longer. Bucky honestly couldn’t imagine his life without his best friend, the one person that grounded him no matter how stressful everything got. Steve always knew the right words to make him feel better when he was stressed from all his classes, complained about lecturers or incapable classmates or went on about customers asking the most stupid questions. In turn he learned about the newest classes Steve took, listened when he talked about the strange habits their current nude models had (seriously, most art people were just weird and their models weren’t any better) or made plans to go on rallies for whatever new cause Steve had found.

On the subway Steve started complaining about how completely and utterly ungifted the fifth graders he taught were. Bucky teased him that he shouldn’t be surprised considering that his teacher training took place in a school that mostly focused on science. English, history and art weren’t exactly popular subjects at that school. To cheer him up, Bucky told him about the mess Morita had accidentally made at the garage and eventually asked about Steve’s social studies, classes that Steve took just for the hell of it. He didn’t care about the extra workload and Bucky occasionally called him a nerd for it to which Steve would just raise a brow and reply that Bucky was the one to talk, saving every cent to work on the ’68 Camaro he’d bought right after graduation.

They exited the subway and headed up the stairs to the even busier downtown streets, walking amongst hundreds of other pedestrians on their way to bars, nightclubs or other places to spend their Friday night. Bucky’s eyes scanned the crowds, looking after a cute blonde that somehow seemed familiar.

“You know, we still need a new model for next week’s drawing class,” Steve said casually and nudged his side just as Bucky spotted the pizza parlour on the other side of the street.

Bucky knew Steve’s remark wasn’t as innocent as he tried to make it sound. “So?”

“So… you’d get fifteen bucks just to sit in front of a bunch of people for one and a half hours.”

“Yeah, no. Forget it.”

“But –” Steve tried but Bucky interrupted him.

“No ‘but’, Steve, I’ve told you before. I ain’t gonna model for your nude drawing class.”

Pouting, Steve followed Bucky across the street. “Who said anything about nude?”

“Are you saying you’re actually gonna draw people with their clothes on for once?”

“I draw dressed people all the time,” Steve protested as he pushed open the door to the pizza parlour. “I draw you in your clothes all the time. And you could leave on your boxers, even your jeans if you wanna. We’re mostly practicing body studies of the torso at the moment.”

Inside, a waiter immediately greeted them and walked them to a small table at the window front. The place was packed, not unusual for Friday evening, and they were glad to get two of the last available seats.

“Then why don’t you model?” Bucky asked when the waiter had given them the menus and disappeared.

“’cause I wanna draw, too. Plus it would be awkward.”

Leave it to Steve fucking Rogers to look like the personal model of some Renaissance painter’s studies and still be awkward and shy about his body. Sometimes Bucky just didn’t understand him – even when Steve had been nothing but skin and bones Bucky had thought Steve was the most precious person he’d ever met. Not that he’d ever tell him that.

“You’re ridiculous.”

“It’s only two or three times, Bucky, please. C’mon, that’s thirty to forty-five bucks and we both know you need money if you wanna finish working on your car sometime this century.”

Crossing his arms over his chest, Bucky shook his head. “No.”

“Please?”

Before Steve could use his stupid, irresistible kicked-puppy-look on Bucky a teenager came to their table to take their orders, smiling brightly at them. They ordered beer and their favourite kind of pizza and the girl nodded, still smiling.

“Thanks, doll,” Bucky grinned at her.

Steve rolled his eyes as soon as she’d left with a giggle. “Do you have to flirt with our waitress? She can’t be any older than seventeen.”

Bucky shrugged. It wasn’t like the flirting meant anything. “You should ask Thor, y’know,” he came back to their previous topic. “Dude’s ripped.”

“I don’t wanna ask Thor, and he’s working while we have class anyway. Buck, please, help me out.”

“Don’t look at me like that. No, Steve, don’t you dare – stop that.” He pushed Steve’s face with the big, sad eyes away. “I ain’t gonna say yes so stop with that look.”

Of course, Steve didn’t stop. “Do it for me? Your best friend? I’ll even get you dessert today. And next time, too.”

“You’re really desperate, huh?”

“You know I’m responsible for that class and if I can’t find a model it can’t take place. I get credit for doing it. Please, Buck, I’m practically begging you.”

With a sigh, Bucky propped his elbows on the table and leaned forward. “I hate you. Just so you know.”

“Is that a yes?”

“It’s a ‘I might consider it but only if I definitely can leave on my pants’,” Bucky grumbled before adding, “And don’t you dare complain if I come in and say ‘Draw me like one of your French girls’.”

Steve snorted a laugh. “Now which one of us is ridiculous?”

In that moment their drinks arrived and Bucky clinked his glass against Steve’s, glad to be able to change the topic. “To your first published comic,” Bucky grinned and took a few sips.

They chatted until the waitress brought their pizzas, falling into conversations so familiar that it felt like they had only seen each other the previous day. Unfortunately, both their work schedules and classes didn’t leave much time to meet anymore so nowadays the weekends were the only days they could actually spend time together. Sometimes they were so busy that they couldn’t do more than study silently together and complain about all the work they had to do, but it was still time they both cherished. And definitely better than studying all alone.

A pizza and two beers later, Steve and Bucky leaned back in their chairs. Steve sighed happily.

“I hope you remember that you promised me dessert,” Bucky smirked.

“How can you even think about dessert right now? I’m so full, I might explode if I so much as move. We definitely gotta come back here sometime, though.”

“There’s always room for dessert.”

Shaking his head, Steve gave in and grinned back. “Fine. I bet I could even get you dessert for free.”

Bucky snorted. “Yeah, right.”

“I’m serious.”

“And how do you wanna do that?”

“Wanna bet or not?” Steve’s grin promised nothing good. What kind of stupid idea did he have this time?

“You’re not gonna tell me first?”

“Nope, you’ll see. How ‘bout this: if I manage to get you something for free you model for my class?”

For a moment, Bucky eyed his best friend with a raised eyebrow. “What if you fail?”

“Then I’ll never ask you to model for anything ever again.”

A deal like that was more than promising. He nodded slowly. “Okay, fine. I’m in.” After all, there was no way Steve could win this bet.

Bucky watched as Steve looked around the room, following his eyes. What the hell was he planning? A second later he got up from his seat.

“Steve, what’re you –?”

“Just play along.” Steve grinned and suddenly there he was, kneeling down in front of Bucky and taking his right hand.

“Ste–” But he didn’t get any further.

“James, will you marry me?” Steve’s voice was louder than before, obviously to attract attention from the people around them, and Bucky could do nothing but gape at him for a few moments, his brain trying to catch up. He was sure that his heart missed a beat or two. That was not exactly how he’d imagined… Oh.

“I, uh…” He didn’t even need to glance around to know that several pairs of eyes were on him. Swallowing, he prayed that his voice wouldn’t betray him. “Um… yes?” he mumbled insecurely, staring down at Steve who was looking at him expectantly.

Steve’s face lit up and he beamed a smile at Bucky as he let go of his hand to pull him into a warm embrace. Part of Bucky thanked whoever was out there that Steve didn’t top their little charade off with a kiss or he might just get a heart attack. The people around them aww’ed and someone actually squealed.

“He said yes!” Steve announced loudly.

In that exact same moment, two more arms were thrown around Bucky and a high voice rambled right next to his ear. It took him a second to understand that the person congratulated him. Just as he realised that the voice was familiar – all too familiar, oh no, please, this couldn’t be true – Steve’s eyes widened in shocked surprise and Bucky now desperately wished for a heart attack.

“Becks…?” he croaked and turned to look at his little sister over his shoulder. “What are you doing here?” Dumb question, really.

“What am I –? Are you kidding me, what the hell are _you_ doing? Why didn’t you _tell_ me you two were a thing? How long have you two been dating? Bucky, how could you just not tell me about this? I’m your _sister!_ Steve, you shoulda said something! Oh my god, I gotta call Ma, she’s gonna be so happy!” Another squeal, right next to Bucky’s ear, then Becca let go of him to pull out her phone.

Bucky looked over at Steve with an expression of sheer panic only to see complete helplessness in his best friend’s eyes.

“Becca, we –” he started but his sister was already rapidly talking on the phone, telling her mother what she had just witnessed.

Oh god. Bucky swallowed but the lump in his throat didn’t disappear. They were so fucked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Even though I have a ton of unfinished fics this idea wouldn't leave me alone and I LOVE fake/pretend relationship fics so this happened - it was about time! I really hope you'll like this story and I'd love to hear from you :)


	2. Chapter 2

“This isn’t… Steve, tell me this isn’t happening,” Bucky finally managed to hiss at his best friend who was staring at Becca incredulously, as he slowly sank back down into his seat. 

By now, almost everyone was watching them – Becca talking and squealing excitedly into her phone, not noticing her brother’s distress in the slightest, Bucky sitting next to her with a bewildered expression and Steve trying to find the right words, any words, really, to get them out of this situation without completely losing their faces and upsetting Becca and Winifred Barnes who, judging by Becca’s reaction and words, was just as delighted by the news as Becca was.

“Becca, hey, listen…” Steve started but Becca wasn’t paying any attention to him, instead she gushed about how Steve had gotten down on one knee in the restaurant, making it sound way more romantic than it had actually been. Actually, it hadn’t been romantic at all since it was all a lie, Bucky reminded himself.

The waitress from earlier unwittingly shot down any other attempt to set things right as she popped up right in front of them with a shy smile. “Congratulations,” she said, trying hard to sound genuine but Bucky was sure there was a hint of disappointment in her voice.

Fine, maybe he really shouldn’t have flirted with her. But hey, how the hell was he supposed to know what kind of stupid plan Steve would come up with today?! Even though he knew that Steve had stupid ideas all the time, this really took the cake.

“Thanks,” he replied, forcing himself to smile and kicked Steve’s shin to get his attention. Steve winced. If the girl noticed, she didn’t say anything.

“Wha–? Oh, right, thank you,” Steve stammered and flushed bright red, up to the tips of his ears. In any other situation Bucky would have thought it was adorable or teased him but right now he really just wanted to drag him back to his apartment and – he wasn’t quite sure what he wanted to do, probably yell at him. Or at least ask him how he could be so fucking dumb.

The teen set down an ice cream bowl on the table between them. “To celebrate your engagement. It’s on the house.”

Bucky almost laughed out loud, almost, but the situation Steve had just gotten them into really was anything but funny. In that moment Becca ended her call and smiled brightly at them. He clenched his hands under the table, expecting the worst.

“Mom is practically freaking out, she’s so happy for you! And you’re both invited for coffee tomorrow so you can finally tell us everything about the two of you!” She looked over her shoulder and waved at some girls near the door who were calling for her.

Apparently Becca and her friends had just been about to leave. Just his luck that his sister had to be at the same place at the exact same time that Steve fucking proposed to him because of a goddamn stupid bet. Why couldn’t he have waited two more minutes? “I gotta go but I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?” Becca leaned down again for another hug, then she wrapped her arms around Steve as well. “I’m still mad at you two for not telling me though, by the way, so I expect a damn good story tomorrow. See ya!” And off she went, bouncing over to her friends and instantly chattering with them, probably about her weird brother and his cute best friend – scratch that, fiancé. Fuck.

Bucky stared after her until she disappeared in the crowd outside.

“Buck?” Steve asked softly, the bad conscience almost palpable in his voice.

Slowly, Bucky averted his eyes from the busy street and stared blankly at Steve. “We gotta get this straight, Steve.” 

“I know. I, uh…” he trailed off, running a hand through his hair. It didn’t happen often that Steve didn’t find the right words but tonight he was at a loss. Biting his lip, he glanced around, glad that everyone seemed to have lost interest in them again. “At least it worked, see, you got your dessert,” he joked weakly, earning himself a glare and a growled “I’m not hungry anymore.”

Perfect. This was just perfect, really, Bucky thought to himself. His evening could barely get any worse. Not only did they have to think of a way to clear things up with his family without them being completely disappointed – it was no secret to Bucky that Becca had been thinking he and Steve would be a cute couple ever since Bucky had come out as bi, even if she hopefully didn’t know about his crush on his best friend, and his family just loved Steve. To top that off, he’d never hear the end of this, and his mother would probably just be encouraged to set him up with more of her friends’ kids that were about his age when she knew it had all been a joke, a damn bet, and he was still, in fact, desperately single (her words, not his). And he would have to pretend that everything was fine, that it had been nothing but a stupid joke that didn’t affect him at all.

Truth be told, Bucky was mostly mad because Steve apparently had thought it was a fun idea. Sure, the poor guy now looked like the guilty conscience in person, picking at the ice cream, but that didn’t undo the damage.

“Can we go home?” Bucky eventually muttered and Steve glanced up at him, insecurity written plainly on his face.

“You… you wanna go home?”

Bucky shook his head. “I mean I wanna go back to your place and talk about this.”

“Oh. Right. My place.” For the love of God, this time Bucky couldn’t decipher Steve’s expression. “Sure. Let’s go.”

He left a couple of bills on the table and they made their way back to the subway station. The ride back to Steve’s apartment was filled with anxious silence and Bucky checking his phone every couple of seconds because his mother and sister kept messaging him all kinds of questions. Shit, they were really excited about this whole thing.

When Steve cocked a brow in question, Bucky showed him the texts, and now Steve really looked like a kicked puppy. Knowing that he was beating himself up about this made Bucky’s anger disappear and resignation set in. By now, he’d more or less gotten to terms with disappointing and possibly hurting his family. He didn’t reply to any of the texts.

Finally arriving at Steve’s place, Bucky followed him up the stairs wordlessly. As soon as they had entered the apartment and the door was closed, Steve turned around to face Bucky who leaned back against the door and let his head thump against the wood. “I’m fucked.”

“I’m so sorry, really. I did not see that coming,” Steve mumbled. “Honestly, Buck, how was I s’posed to know that your sister was gonna be there? I hadn’t seen her, you know I never woulda done that if I had, right?”

“My life is over,” Bucky whined in lieu of an answer and buried his face in his hands.

“Gee, thanks for letting me know that dating me would be so terrible.” Steve’s attempt to lift their spirits failed miserably and he buried his hands in his jeans, staring down at the floor.

“That’s not what I meant,” Bucky grumbled, crossed the living room and threw himself on the couch. It would be quite the opposite for sure, but he didn’t say that. “My Ma’s gonna kill me when I tell her this was all fake. And then Becca will kick my ass.”

Shoulders slumped, Steve followed him and muttered, “That doesn’t even make sense.”

Bucky grabbed one of the throw pillows and smacked Steve up the back of his head with it. “Fuck you, Rogers. This isn’t funny.”

“I never said it was. We’ll just see your parents tomorrow and tell them face to face. I’ll come with you and explain everything, then they’ll just be mad at me. It’s gonna be fine, they’ll probably just laugh about it.” They both knew that Steve didn’t quite believe that himself.

“My mother is basically planning our wedding as we speak, she just asked if we wanna marry this summer already.”

“Fuck…” Steve ran both hands over his face, then he took a deep breath and sat up straight. “Okay, listen. I know I fucked this up and I’m gonna make it right. They’ll understand. I mean, look how supportive they are. We’re probably stressing out for no reason. Don’t worry about it.”

“How exactly do you plan to do make it right, huh? You just gonna go up to them like ‘Hi, sorry to disappoint but I was an idiot and had this stupid idea and it was nothing but a bet, there ain’t gonna be a wedding’?!”

Shrugging sheepishly, Steve sighed. “Well, I wouldn’t phrase it exactly like that, but yeah, kinda…”

“Great. Then you go ahead and assume full responsibility because I don’t want Becca to lynch me.”

With a nod Steve agreed. “I really messed this one up, didn’t I?” he said more to himself, laughing softly.

“Big time. Definitely the most stupid idea you’ve ever head, punk. Even worse than that time in high school when we got drunk and you suggested skinny dipping the night before the swimming competition and they found us there the next morning, completely hungover and still half naked.” Bucky punched him lightly into the shoulder and grinned weakly. 

“Ugh, don’t remind me. Wanna watch a movie?” Steve obviously was desperate to change the topic.

“Yeah, sure.”

It didn’t take long for them to decide which movie they wanted to watch since Bucky would agree to pretty much everything at the moment. He barely caught anything that was happening on screen. Instead he thought about Becca’s reaction, how joyful his mother’s texts seemed and finally how much he wished the news were actually real. Even if he didn’t want to admit it to himself, what he felt for Steve was more than just a small crush by now. After all, this infatuation had started years ago and it just seemed to get worse with every time they hung out, if that was even possible.

Next to him, Steve laughed at something and Bucky looked over at him. No matter what, he just couldn’t stay mad at his best friend. He cuddled deeper into the soft sofa cushions and shoved his feet under Steve’s thigh. Steve quickly looked back at him with a smile before concentrating on the movie again. No wonder his family didn’t seem surprised at all, not with the way they behaved around each other. Becca had once told him that if he and Steve ever started dating probably no one would notice because barely anything would change – they had been inseparable all through school, slept in each other’s beds when they stayed over and were constantly touching each other out of habit. The sleeping together had changed since Steve couldn’t fit more than a twin bed into his tiny bedroom but other than that Becca was probably right, they were just that close. 

Bucky swallowed and tried to watch the movie again. Thinking about anything more than friendship was dangerous, he knew that much, and he couldn’t allow himself to slip even deeper into that territory. 

***

The next morning Steve’s mood was back to its usual high, with bright smiles and chatter far too early for Bucky’s taste. He grumbled into the coffee cup Steve had handed him – lots of milk, no sugar, just how he liked it. Steve looked carefree again, teasing Bucky about being grumpy even though it was “already way past eleven, c’mon, that’s really not early.”

Bucky still wasn’t exactly thrilled about having to tell his parents that it was all a big misunderstanding but Steve kept reassuring him it would be fine. He even told Bucky he’d completely understand if he didn’t come to his art class the following week (but not without reminding him that they had, in fact, gotten dessert for free – sometimes Bucky really admired Steve’s optimism). 

To pass the time until they had to leave Steve switched on his Xbox. They had been playing for an hour or two when Steve’s phone rang. He glanced at the screen and immediately paused the game to answer the call. Must be important, Bucky thought.

He watched Steve pace the room while he listened to whatever the person on the other end had to say, a habit Steve had had ever since Bucky had gotten to know him. Suddenly he stopped in front of the window, his back to Bucky, and his voice lowered. He fell silent again and listened, mumbling soft yeah’s and no’s once and again. Bucky could see tension creep up in his back.

When he’d hung up, Bucky asked, “Everything okay?”

Steve winced as if only now remembering that he wasn’t alone. “No. That was Mom.”

Bucky was up and standing next to Steve in a heartbeat, a hand on his back. “Shit, she okay? What happened? Do we need to go see her?” Steve was as pale as a ghost.

To his surprise Steve shook his head, then he nodded, shook it again and cleared his throat. “She’s fine. Actually, I haven’t heard her sound this good in weeks.”

“Okay… So why do you look like, I don’t know –”

Steve didn’t let him finish his question. “She knows.”

“She knows what?” Bucky asked in confusion. “Steve, you gotta give me some more info here.”

“Your mother just called her.”

“My Ma…” Then it clicked. “Oh. Oh no. Shit, really?!”

Steve nodded unhappily. “She wants you to come along tomorrow.” Sundays were usually reserved for Sarah. Bucky tagged along occasionally but mostly Steve went to the hospital to see her alone since he barely made it on weekdays. 

When Steve turned to finally meet Bucky’s eyes he wrung his hands anxiously. “Bucky, I can’t… She sounded so happy, y’know… I don’t think I could… I know you’re gonna hate me now and you have every right to be mad, but please, don’t make me tell her. I can’t say that it’s not real. What if I tell her and that just… finishes her off?” His voice broke and Bucky hated it, hated it so much.

He would do anything for Steve but right now he could do nothing more but gape at him, trying to grasp what Steve was asking him. “You’re not really suggesting…”

Steve’s hands grabbed his shoulders and he looked at Bucky desperately. “Buck, I’m begging you. Just for a little while. Just till she’s better. Nothing will change, we’ll just pretend to be together in front of our families. Please, Buck. I can’t risk losing her. And that… knowing it’s fake would break her heart.”

Bucky clenched his jaw but he kept staring at Steve’s face that was so full of fear. He couldn’t crush the tiny bit of hope behind the shadows in Steve’s eyes. He just couldn’t. And if this might help Sarah get better, might give her the strength she needed to fight the disease that was slowly eating away at her it was worth a try, right?

“I’m doing this for Sarah,” he said quietly, surprised how steady his voice was.

Immediately, Steve pulled at his shoulders and a split second later Bucky found himself in a bone crushing hug. “Thank you,” Steve whispered and held on tight.

Bucky wrapped his arms around Steve and stroked his back. He tried hard to ignore his best friend’s familiar scent. “Sure, Stevie. I guess we better think about how we got together so we have a story to tell.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And down the rabbit hole we go... But they mean well, really, I swear. Anyway, I really hope this chapter meets your expectations and you like it :)   
> Happy easter to everyone who celebrates it!


	3. Chapter 3

Bucky couldn’t remember the last time he’d been this nervous for the life of him. He had long since given up trying to discreetly wipe his sweaty palms on his jeans. Steve knew him too well not to notice how upset he was. And really, Steve himself didn’t look much better, all pale and restless.

As creative as Steve might be when it came to drawing or painting, storytelling wasn’t really his strong suit and Bucky had never been the creative type. After a few moments of consideration, Steve suggested using Sam’s birthday last September as starting point – it was little enough time to justify not telling anybody about their ‘relationship’ but just enough time to take it a step further, considering how long they’d already known each other. “Y’know, everyone will believe that we got drunk and kissed each other. You get real handsy when you’ve had a few drinks.”

Even though Steve wasn’t exactly wrong, Bucky glared at him. It wasn’t like he lost complete control over himself when he was drunk. After all, he’d never made a move on Steve, no matter how much he had wanted to, and instead usually ended up making out with someone else to distract himself. But Steve really didn’t need to know that. “I’m not gonna tell my Ma that we ended up together ‘cause we got drunk at a party. And knowing Becca she’s probably gonna assume that we landed in bed together right after and she’ll never let us forget that.”

A soft pink tinted Steve’s cheeks and he averted his eyes. “Fine… you got a better idea?”

“Not really,” Bucky claimed. To be perfectly honest, he had a pretty good idea how he would tell Steve about his feelings if it ever came to that. Which it wouldn’t. Never. Not that it had hindered Bucky from thinking about it and playing out different fantasies in his mind.

For a few minutes, they both thought about it in silence, until Steve nudged Bucky with his foot to get his attention. “You could’ve told me you… like me _that way_ while we were watching a movie.”

“Why am I the one who told you first?! Plus, that’s so lame and not romantic at all.”

“Because I already fake-proposed to you, and since when do you even care about romantic gestures?” Steve grumbled, clearly exasperated.

Bucky frowned at him. “I would care, with the right person.”

“Alright, whatever. That’s not really helping right now, anyway. We need something believable.”

Biting his lip, Bucky debated on whether or not to say out loud what he had imagined numerous times before. What if Steve thought it was dumb? No, he wouldn’t, Bucky knew him better than anyone else and he was rather sure Steve would actually like it but his doubt and fear of rejection (which was ridiculous, it wasn’t like he was actually going to tell Steve what he felt for him) held him back.

“What is it?” Steve brought him back to reality.

“Huh?”

“I know that look. You’re thinking about something. You got an idea?”

“Yeah, well, maybe…” Bucky gave in reluctantly.

Sitting up, Steve leaned a little closer. “Lemme hear it.”

“What if… what if we tell ‘em ‘bout last October when we went to the Met together and you kept lookin’ at all the art like you always do and gushed about how incredible the paintings and sculptures and stuff are. And I followed you around the American Wing and the entire European section tryin’ to work up the nerve to tell you. You wanted to show me your three favourite paintings, you know, the dark one with the double rainbow, that flower pond and bridge painting and the one with the guy and half naked girl on the swing, and at the last one I interrupted you by asking if you would go on a date with me.” In his mind it always played out a little differently. He would take Steve to the museum and kiss him in front of one of those paintings – but that scenario would lay it on with a trowel.

When Bucky finally realised Steve was just gaping at him, not saying a single word, he swallowed and immediately tried to backtrack. “Or, y’know, not… Forget it, it’s a stupid idea.”

Shaking his head, Steve cleared his throat and said, “No. No, that’s, uh, that’s actually really good. It’s sweet. I can’t believe you remembered those paintings, though.”

Bucky shrugged, hoping he looked nonchalant and not panicked like he felt. He shouldn’t have said anything, dammit. What if Steve called him out on it? What if he figured out why Bucky remembered these paintings even though he didn’t care about art at all? “Got a pretty good look at them, after all you explained them to me for at least twenty minutes each,” he mumbled. Not that he remembered anything Steve had said but hey, he did remember what they looked like.

Steve smiled sheepishly. “You know I get excited about art. So, where’d you take me on our first date?”

“What? Oh, right, um… To the movies? The zoo? Bowling?”

Half an hour later, they had finally agreed on a story to tell their families including their first date, their first kiss, why they had kept the relationship a secret and why Steve had proposed so soon. Bucky was already exhausted. Talking about how it all had supposedly happened without giving away how much he wanted it to be real and imagining every little detail was draining him. And it hurt to know that it would never be real – Steve wasn’t just his best friend, he was also straight and had only ever been interested in Peggy before she’d moved back to England right after their graduation. Bucky might or might not have been incredibly relieved when she had left.

Under the pretext of having to take a shower before they went to see his parents, Bucky eventually locked himself in the bathroom, switched on the water and took a few deep breaths. For a minute or two, all he did was stare into the mirror and curse himself for ever agreeing to do this.

If he was completely honest with himself he wasn’t just doing it for Sarah, not even because Steve had asked him to play pretend while looking desperate and downright terrified to lose his mother. A small part of him, the egoistic part that apparently didn’t give a damn about any kind of self-preservation, wanted to know what it would be like to be together with Steve. For the moment, that part of Bucky didn’t care that it was all fake, that he was sure to get hurt. It even tried to convince him that he might get over Steve this way.

If he was completely honest with himself he was head over heels in love with his best friend and there was nothing he could do about it. He sighed and stepped under the water, hoping to push everything to the back of his mind for a little bit. Naturally, it didn’t work. 

***

On their way to Bucky’s parents who lived on the outskirts of the city they had gone through their story one more time. Nonetheless, both of them were incredibly anxious when they finally arrived at the Barnes family home and stopped in front of the door. Steve looked at Bucky and tried to give a reassuring smile. It was anything but convincing.

Just when Bucky was reaching for the doorbell, Steve asked, “You think we should, um, hold hands or something?”

Bucky nodded hesitantly. “I guess. Don’t wanna make them suspicious, right?” This means nothing, it’s all fake, stop it, he told his heart that immediately started pounding harder when Steve’s fingers brushed against his own before intertwining them. Steve’s hand was a little clammy, just like his own, but warm, soft and surprisingly comforting. Bucky prayed Steve didn’t notice the slight shaking of his other hand as he listed it to ring the bell.

It had barely stopped ringing when the door was torn open and Becca grinned at them, taking in their clasped hands and awkward smiles. “C’mon c’mon c’mon, Ma and Pops are in the kitchen,” she said and ushered them inside. “They’re so happy to see you again, Steve, especially after these news!”

Following Becca, Steve and Bucky exchanged another worried glance. If they could convince Bucky’s family that they were engaged and had been dating in secret for the past few months Sarah surely would believe it, too. And hopefully it would help her recover. Steve was clutching at straws, they both knew that, but he had to try anything. And Bucky was there for him, till the end of the line, just like they’d sworn each other one summer night during their junior year.

Winifred and George Barnes looked absolutely delighted when Becca practically dragged her brother and Steve into the kitchen and greeted them warmly, hugging and congratulating them. Winnie already looked like she might cry of happiness and Bucky’s guilty conscience grew even worse.

Shortly afterwards, everyone was sitting around the dining table, a slice of pie and a cup of coffee or tea in front of them.

“James, darling, I can’t believe you two kept this a secret. I hope it wasn’t because you didn’t feel like you could tell us,” his mother started, doing her best to keep the disappointment out of her voice.

Bucky almost choked on his coffee and coughed. “N-no, Ma, really, it wasn’t because of that. We just weren’t sure if this, uh, would work out, y’know.”

“We didn’t want to disappoint anybody,” Steve jumped in shyly and Bucky was so, _so_ close to kicking him under the table. Good one, really.

Luckily, George nodded understandingly. “Less pressure this way, huh? So, how long have you been going out?”

Steve and Bucky took turns at telling their story and if Bucky exaggerated a little, saying he hadn’t been able to hold his feelings back any longer when he’d watched Steve look overjoyed while describing his favourite pieces of art, well, it wasn’t like Steve could comment on it in front of Bucky’s family. But Steve was nobody’s fool and simply claimed he hadn’t believed his luck when Bucky had asked him out, giving Bucky that smile that was reserved only for him.

Fuck. This was going to be so much harder than he had expected. When they had finished their tall tale – Steve had flushed a bright pink when it got to their first kiss so Bucky had wrapped his arm around his shoulders and taken over – Becca sighed dreamily, stating she wished to find love like theirs someday, too. Steve and Bucky smiled at each other sheepishly but Winifred’s next words made them freeze.

“I don’t mean to pry but I didn’t even know you liked boys, Steve. This is such a pleasant surprise.”

Oh no. Winnie definitely had a point there. Why had they not talked about _that_ aspect before? Steve had never shown interest in any guy before. Bucky looked at his best friend nervously just as Steve glanced self-consciously at him.

Becca tilted her head and looked at Steve. “True, since when are you gay?” she asked bluntly, raising a brow.

Steve blushed again and stared down at the half eaten slice of pie on his plate.

“You don’t just start being gay, Becks.” Bucky shook his head and glared at her, thinking feverishly about what he could say to convince his sister. She already looked a little suspicious and if there was one person they needed to convince it was her. Even though Becca seemed thrilled they ‘were together’ she would be the first to smell a rat. “He –” Bucky started, but Steve interrupted him.

“Actually, I’m not gay. I’m, uh, asexual…” Steve mumbled, not taking his eyes off of his plate. If possible, his face grew even redder.

It took all of Bucky’s self-control not to gape at him.

“Oh, well, as long as you two are happy together,” George said friendly, clearly having no idea what Steve meant.

Becca still seemed a bit sceptical. “Huh, I didn’t know that.”

Me neither, Bucky thought but managed to hide his surprise. It was just as much news to him at it was to the rest of his family. Was this Steve’s way of getting out of the interrogation Becca would no doubt start otherwise? No, looking at him Bucky was sure the uncertainty in Steve’s posture was real. And he definitely couldn’t fake the blush. Bucky laid a hand on Steve’s arm and squeezed gently, smiling at him when Steve met his eyes insecurely.

“You didn’t know we’re dating, either, Becca. And we’re really happy,” he reassured his father.

Thankfully, everyone seemed satisfied with that and the rest of afternoon went better as the topic shifted to Becca’s school work, the crazy neighbours and the rest of the family.

When they left with three slices of pie for their visit to the hospital Bucky felt indescribably relieved and Steve heaved a long sigh. On their way home they barely exchanged a word, both caught up in their thoughts and just happy for this visit to be over. Still there was something they needed to talk about.

“So… ace, huh?” Bucky asked when they were back in the privacy of Steve’s apartment.

Rubbing a hand over the back of his neck, Steve peered at Bucky. “Yeah. I actually was gonna tell you last night but after that disaster I thought it wasn’t the right time… Sorry you had to find out this way.”

“How long’ve you known?”

“Not that long,” Steve murmured evasively.

Bucky sighed and nudged him gently. “Y’know you can tell me anything, punk, right? I ain’t gonna judge you. ’m just happy you figured it out.”

“Why’s that?”

“Well, I guess it explains why you’ve never dated anyone, doesn’t it?”

Steve chuckled softly. “You do know that sexual orientation and romantic attraction aren’t necessarily the same, right? And not everyone likes to constantly flirt and go out with people.”

“Uh, yeah, sure…” Now that he said it, Bucky remembered Steve telling him something along those lines some time ago, probably after one of his social studies classes. “So you’re not also _un_ … _non_ … _a_ romantic?”

“Aromantic’s the right word, and no, not directly.” Steve went to open the fridge and grabbed a bottle of lemonade.

Following him, Bucky asked, “Do I have to worm everything out of you or do you just not wanna tell me?”

“I’m asexual and demiromantic.”

Bucky thought about that for a moment. “So you were only into Peggy after you’d become her friend and gotten to know her really well?”

“Something like that, yeah.”

“But you once said she was hot,” Bucky remarked, slightly confused.

Steve laughed. “I’m not blind, Buck, and I’m pretty sure I didn’t phrase it that way. And she _is_ very aesthetically pleasing. But more like… I don’t know, a work of art, I guess.”

“That’s honestly the sappiest thing you’ve ever said, Rogers.”

That earned him a shove and a grin. “Shut up. Hey, you’re gonna stay here tonight, right? We could cook or order take out and get drunk.”

“I’d have to go home and get clean clothes, didn’t bring any more with me and honestly, that conversation with my family had me sweating, don’t wanna do this to your mom,” Bucky joked. Mostly, he wanted to have some time to himself to think everything through, maybe even go to a bar and pick someone up to get his mind off of the shitshow that had become his life in a matter of only a few hours.

“You can borrow one of my shirts. C’mon, Buck, I really wanna get drunk with you tonight.”

He knew he shouldn’t agree, he really knew, but as always, Bucky couldn’t refuse Steve anything. And who was he to say no to that offer?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Our lovely two idiots actually managed to clear the first hurdle more or less successfully, yay! The paintings mentioned in this chapter are The Aegan Sea by Frederic Edwin Church, Claude Monet's Bridge over a Pond of Water Lilies and Pierre-August Cot's Springtime which can all be seen in the Metropolitan Museum of Art (and of course online on their website).  
> Since I'm starting university again tomorrow I don't know when I'll be able to upload again but I will do my best to post another one or two chapters this week. As always, I hope you liked this chapter and I'd love to hear from you :)


	4. Chapter 4

Steve had just opened his sixth (seventh? He’d lost count sometime ago…) bottle of beer when the doorbell rang. He looked over to Bucky who seemed just as surprised as him. They hadn’t been loud so it couldn’t be the neighbours and usually none of Steve’s friends just stopped by without calling first – except for Bucky but he was currently sitting on the ground, leaning against Steve’s armchair.

Scrambling to his feet, Steve realised the beer was starting to make him dizzy as he almost stumbled over the rug in his hallway, making Bucky chuckle as he watched him cross the small space to use the intercom.

“Yeah?”

A chorus of scratchy voices started babbling all at once, making it impossible to understand anything, but Steve immediately knew who it was nonetheless and buzzed the door open.

“Who’s there?” Bucky called from his place on the floor before stuffing a handful of chips into his mouth.

Steve opened the apartment door and returned to the living room, plopping back down on the sofa. “Sounded like Nat, Sam, Clint and Tony. I bet Pepper and Bruce are with them, too.”

Bucky’s expression went from curios to confused. “The hell are they doin’ here?” It wasn’t like he would mind the company but his tipsy brain had just decided pretending to be with Steve maybe wasn’t so bad after all. He had been content with watching Steve scribble and sketch in his notebook while Bucky had listened to the music they’d switched on earlier and imagined what it would be like.

“How ‘m I s’posed to know?”

That question was answered only a few seconds later when Natasha burst into Steve’s living room, Sam right behind her and Clint breathing heavily and cursing as he climbed the last couple of stairs, followed by Bruce, Pepper and Tony several steps behind him.

“What the fuck is up with you two?!” Nat asked whilst Sam went with “Why didn’t you say anything?” and Clint panted “Fuck this” – whether that was directed at them or the stairs, Steve wasn’t sure – whereas Bruce just raised a brow and Pepper greeted them with a friendly “Hi!” as Tony closed the door behind them.

Steve glanced at Bucky, unsure why their friends were confronting them with incoherent questions, their expressions ranging from amused to indignant to incredulous. “Uh… what?”

“Your sister texted me all pissed that I didn’t tell her that you two are together and _engaged?!_ You better explain that right now.” With that, Natasha shoved Bucky aside to sink into the armchair behind him while Clint sat down on the armrest. Sam and Tony squeezed next to Steve onto the couch that was not nearly big enough for three grown men and Tony pulled Pepper on his lap. Bruce stayed behind the sofa, leaning his elbows onto the backrest. It all went so fast that Steve was left wondering how exactly his living room had filled with so many people who were looking from him to Bucky and back expectantly.

“What did you tell her?” Bucky asked nervously. Right. There were more important things than his apartment being overrun by their friends, Steve reminded himself.

“Nothing, haven’t replied yet.”

“We immediately came here when neither of you answered their phones,” Pepper informed them. “Although I’m pretty sure all of us would have noticed if you two were dating.”

She had a point, given that Steve and Bucky saw most of them almost every day at college or work where they had met – Tony and Bucky had taken a few engineering classes together, Steve and Pepper worked at the same school, Clint and Sam where both in Steve’s social studies classes, Natasha taught at the martial arts club next to the garage Bucky worked at and had introduced them to Bruce.

“We all know Steve can be a sneaky little shit,” Clint interjected with a grin.

Tony nodded vehemently. “True. So, Rogers, are you two fucking?” His comment earned him Pepper’s elbow between his ribs, making him wince, but Tony recovered quickly and his smirk was back in no time.

Steve’s face turned a pretty shade of red all the same and he helplessly looked at Bucky helplessly who in turn gaped at Tony.

“Guys, this ain’t gonna get them to talk. Seriously, what’s going on here? Are you two really together?” Sam finally spoke up, trying to calm the situation down. At least he was his usual calm and collected self, which couldn’t be said about Natasha who was currently poking her foot into Bucky’s back in an attempt to make him talk. He moved out of her reach and glared when she snatched up his abandoned beer bottle to take a sip. Clint took it from her and emptied it.

“You know you can tell us,” Bruce said and the others nodded, finally shutting up.

Looking around at all his friends who were waiting impatiently, Steve swallowed and his gaze finally settled on Bucky. Bucky, who stared right back at him and shrugged. “You tell ‘em. This is your mess.”

Steve gave him a look that hopefully read ‘Thanks, traitor,’ and bit his lip in embarrassment. “Uh, well…” He stammered and started explaining everything that had happened since the night before. When he came to the part where Rebecca had showed up all excited about their ‘engagement’ Clint started laughing so hard that he almost fell off the armrest and Tony punched Steve’s shoulder with a grin while Bruce shook his head, mumbling something that sounded suspiciously like “Typical…”

“Why didn’t you set it straight when you went to visit Bucky’s family?” Natasha asked blankly. “I’m sure they would have understood. Unless you _like_ being mistaken for a couple.”

“An _engaged_ couple,” Clint added between bursts of laughter.

Of course, Steve had to blush at that and Natasha cocked a brow, whereas Tony’s grin widened and even Sam smirked. Their friends had joked more than once that Steve and Bucky would make a great couple with the whole opposites attract and having been friends forever thing. It had left a bittersweet taste in Bucky’s mouth every time. He really didn’t think their situation was that funny. But then, nobody could understand how hard this was for him and Steve. For him because he had the biggest crush on Steve and for Steve because he was actually still in love with Peggy.

“We didn’t tell ‘em ‘cause Becca told my Ma who told Steve’s mother whose heart would break if she knew Stevie’s still single as fuck an’ not in a happy relationship an’ she’s already not feeling well, you know that,” Bucky grumbled when Steve didn’t answer. All of a sudden the others looked somewhat embarrassed and abashed. Good, Bucky thought with satisfaction, too buzzed to feel even the slightest bit ashamed about shutting his friends up like this.

After a few seconds of awkward silence Bruce, as always the voice of reason, asked, “So you’re just gonna play the happy couple for, what, the next few weeks? Months?”

“Just till my Mom gets better,” Steve said quietly.

“And you don’t think your families will see right through it?” Pepper interjected.

Steve bit his lip but Bucky gave himself more confident than he actually felt. “My family didn’t suspect a thing and Steve’s Mom won’t, either. We’ve always been close, it’s gonna be fine.” He smiled reassuringly at his best friend and Steve smiled back softly. He certainly hoped so – ‘breaking up’ was one thing, their families finding out it was all a scam was an entirely different story.

Even though everyone told them they were crazy and it was perhaps the dumbest idea either of them had ever had they all promised to keep it to themselves. Natasha texted Rebecca back eventually, telling her she hadn’t been allowed to say anything, and Bucky managed to relax a little. Only Sam’s reminder that most couples were rather affectionate and kissed in front of others made him more than a little uneasy. Steve didn’t exactly look fond of the thought, either, but when their friends had finally left long after midnight and Bucky lay on Steve’s couch, trying to fall asleep, he caught himself picturing how Steve’s lips would feel against  his own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this chapter is rather short but I hope you enjoy it nonetheless - Steve and Bucky just keep getting themselves into more chaos but hey, what's new?


	5. Chapter 5

“I can’t do this. I can’t lie to her. We gotta tell her and she’s gonna – she’s gonna –” Steve gasped for air and momentarily stopped pacing back and forth through the hospital corridor. In an instant Bucky was right in front of him and grasped his shoulders.

“Stevie, breathe. C’mon, pal, look at me. I need you to breathe, okay? The last thing you want right now is an asthma attack. Just breathe with me – in, and out…” His hand slid up to the side of Steve’s neck and he ducked his head so Steve had to look at him. “Everything is gonna be okay, you hear me? She won’t suspect anything. It’ll be fine, buddy. I’m with you. If you don’t wanna lie to her let me talk. You just sit there and smile, got it?”

Slowly, Steve’s breathing calmed a little and he nodded, leaning forward to press his forehead against Bucky’s. Bucky desperately tried not to think about how close his best friend’s lips were to his own and failed miserably.

“Okay,” Steve mumbled, steadying himself, “Okay. She won’t know. It won’t just all go to hell.”

“Yes. ‘s gonna be fine. You trust me, right?”

Another nod and Bucky almost got lost in the deep blue of Steve’s eyes, looking all worried and insecure. Oh boy, what those eyes did to him. Bucky was in way too deep. 

Attempting to sound light-hearted, he said, “See, then you got nothing to worry ‘bout. I got your back, Stevie. Always.” He smiled, hoping it was at least somewhat reassuring, and took a small step back.

Steve bit his lip and swallowed. “It’s just…”

“Hey. Steve. She’ll be okay. You know Sarah, she’s tough as nails, after all she had to put up with you for your entire life. This stupid disease is nothing compared to that.”

That finally made Steve smile, even if it was small and weak. “Thanks for that.”

“Just trying to be a good, supportive boyfr- fiancé,” Bucky corrected himself and grinned. “C’mon, let’s not make your mom wait any longer.”

They had managed to convince his family that they were a happy couple in a loving relationship so Sarah wouldn’t be any harder to convince, Bucky told himself. Nonetheless, the stakes were higher since Steve was a nervous wreck already. He could only hope Steve would pull himself together and play his part until they left the hospital.

He followed Steve to the room that had been occupied by Sarah Rogers for the past few months, ever since complications had emerged and the tuberculosis had somehow led to blood poisoning – Bucky wasn’t entirely sure how that had happened; the day the doctors had told Steve why his mother had to stay in hospital Bucky had mostly been busy holding his hand and trying to comfort him.

Not unlike now, if he thought about it. Right before Steve rapped his knuckles against the door, Steve’s left hand found Bucky’s right one and Bucky squeezed it automatically. Instead of letting go Steve’s fingers held on tightly as a soft “Come in” sounded from inside the room. In the next moment Steve pulled Bucky into the room and smiled at the pale figure in the bed that had only vague resemblance with his mother. The sterile, colourless room made him uneasy but he tried to ignore it.

“Hey, Mom,” he said quietly and sat down on one of the uncomfortable hospital chairs several feet from the bed. His hand was still clasping Bucky’s so he took the other chair, smiling and greeting Sarah as well. Steve’s grip on his hand was on the edge of painful by now so Bucky rubbed small circles on the back of his hand with his thumb, hoping to get him to calm down a little. 

Steve had always been close with his mother and it hurt to see her like this, only a shadow of the strong woman she had been only months before. He yearned to hold her, tell her she would recover soon, but with how frail she looked he was afraid to hurt her and he just couldn’t get the words out anymore. He had said them so many times in the past weeks and months that they had lost any meaning.

Sarah smiled brightly when she realised Steve really had brought Bucky along. For a second she almost looked the way Bucky remembered her from more carefree times.

“Steve, James, it’s so lovely to see you.” Her voice was scratchy, rarely used these days and rough from coughing. “When Winifred called me I didn’t quite believe that you two have finally found happiness with each other and yet here you are. Darling, help me sit up, would you?”

Steve immediately let go of Bucky, stepped next to the bed and carefully helped his mother sit, propping up several pillows so she could lean back comfortably against them. 

“Now, I want to hear everything. This is the most exciting news I’ve heard all month so don’t spare the details.”

And so Bucky began telling their story once again, only occasionally interrupted by Steve throwing in a few soft words here and there. Overall Steve was unusually quiet, though. When Bucky came to the ‘proposal’ Sarah glanced at his hand and scrunched her brows together.

“Steven, didn’t you even get that boy a ring?” she asked reproachfully.

Steve stared down at his own hands and stammered something unintelligible as his cheeks turned pink (seriously, seeing Steve blush so much almost made this entire thing worth it). After watching him blush for a few seconds Bucky decided it was about time to rescue Steve from his miserable stuttering and avoid a lecture on how to treat your significant other so he jumped in.

“Steve knows I would have to take a ring off at work anyway ‘cause it might get in the way or I might scratch it and I’d just be afraid to lose it all the time. And I don’t need a ring to remind me how important we are to each other.” At least the last part wasn’t a lie.

Sarah nodded slowly and smiled at them again. “Well, I’m happy you two finally figured out that you make a great couple. It was about time.”

This time, even Bucky blushed and Steve gaped at his mother who chuckled quietly. Apparently, their families as well as their friends seemed to agree on that. If only Steve would see it that way, too. But it wasn’t his fault, Bucky reminded himself, after all Steve just wasn’t into guys.

“Don’t look so shocked, darling. You’ve been thicker than thieves for so long. And I know how good James is for you. You’ll take good care of my boy, won’t you?”

Bucky swallowed down the lump in his throat and nodded. “Always. I’m counting on you to walk him down the aisle, though.” He almost yelped when Steve squeezed his hand so hard Bucky thought he might crush it. Luckily, Sarah didn’t notice as she looked at her son with a dreamy, far-away expression on her face.

“You’re almost as old now as your father was when we got married. He would be so proud of you.”

From the corner of his eye Bucky saw how Steve clenched his free hand and bit his lip. Suddenly, he really wanted this visit to be over, wanted to take Steve’s mind off things or maybe just curl up in bed and forget all of this had ever happened. As if some higher power was on his side for once, a knock on the door announced the doctor’s visit and Steve and Bucky got up when a nurse informed them that visiting hours were over. When they said their goodbyes Sarah told Bucky to come by any time since he was now practically family and he promised to see her again soon.

As soon as they were out the door Steve looked at him with an incredulous expression. “Why’d you talk about my Mom walking me down the aisle? She’s probably not gonna talk about anything else now.”

“Um, well, people usually get engaged to marry, y’know.” Bucky shrugged. “It’s not like we’re gonna do it, anyway. Just have a long engagement and then break it off and go back to being best friends.” He really didn’t understand why Steve was so pissed.

Pushing the elevator button, Steve turned to Bucky and ran a hand over his face. “I know. You’re right. This whole thing’s just stressing me out and I barely got any sleep. I’m sorry.” He looked so sincere that Bucky just shook his head and told him to forget about it.

They took the elevator down to the lobby and walked out into the warm, golden sunlight that stood in stark contrast to the cold light of the fluorescent lamps inside the hospital. Steve breathed a sigh of relief as they strode towards their bikes. Until recently he’d never had a problem with hospitals but now he just couldn’t stand the atmosphere and all the cold, clinical white anymore. 

As they unlocked their bikes from the cycle rack Steve casually asked, “Am I still gonna see you on Thursday?” He clearly was desperate to think about something else than his mother being stuck in the too large white bed in the constricting white room.

Bucky stopped pulling his bike from the rack. He’d nearly forgotten about Thursday. “You’re insufferable, you know that?” he grumbled.

“That a yes?”

“Text me the address for your stupid class. You’ll get back your shirt then, kay?”

Steve nodded and swung a leg over his bike. “Thank you for everything. Really. See you, jerk.” He clapped Bucky on the shoulder once before driving away. The gesture was oddly impersonal and strange for him and Bucky suddenly thought about how this ‘engagement’ might affect their relationship – and not in the good, everything-turns-out-fine kind of way. He desperately wanted to turn back time and stop Steve from ever coming up with that stupid idea.

Muttering a “Punk,” he looked after his best friend until he rounded the street corner. There was an art project waiting for Steve at home, and Bucky still had to do some work for his mechanical engineering class as well. And then he’d get comfortable in his bed, watch some Netflix and fall asleep wearing Steve’s shirt. He felt like he at least deserved that much for all they trouble he’d gone through already.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hurdle number two - so far, so good. Or not. Trust me, there is so much more to come!


	6. Chapter 6

Bucky loved his job at the garage, the tinkering with cars and hearing an engine purr again after he’d worked on it, but right now he was so exhausted he thought he might just fall asleep right on the spot. Wiping his hands on an already dirty rag, he made his way to the back of the garage to his own his car – his boss had allowed him to store it in the garage as long as the spot wouldn’t be needed since he worked on it after opening hours most days anyway. Tonight, though, he settled for running his hand over the shiny black hood and just looked at it for several moments, completely lost in thought.

“Barnes, there’s someone askin’ for ya,” Dum Dum, his boss, called and brought Bucky back to reality. “I wouldn’t keep the lady waitin’.”

“Coming,” he called back and left with a last look at his car. He could already spot Natasha’s red hair from afar and gave her a small wave, signalling he’d be right with her. A quick detour to his locker to grab his backpack, then he walked over to his friend and smiled tiredly at her.

Instead of hugging him like she usually did, Natasha scrunched up her nose. “Hi, James. You stink.”

“That’s what happens when you work, Nat. How was your day? Did you torment and terrify small children again?” he teased.

“Are you joking? The kids love me. You going home?”

“Yep. You on your way to Barton?” Clint’s place was roughly the same direction as Bucky’s apartment so they occasionally walked together after work.

Natasha confirmed his assumption and tucked her arm into his to pull him over the street and into the direction of his apartment, chattering about some of her students and her plans to offer self-defence classes on campus for free – if she couldn’t beat up every single person who harassed or assaulted a student she wanted at least help people being able to defend themselves. If Bucky hadn’t been in love with Steve he would probably have fallen for Nat.

They had met two years ago when one of Natasha’s students had sneaked out of class and ran over to the garage to marvel at the classic cars. Bucky had just managed to grab the kid by the back of her shirt before she could disappear under one of the cars that was propped up, telling her to be careful. Nat had come running after her a second later, thanking him and taking the child back to class. When he had called it a day a few hours later she had been waiting for him and suggested to get some drinks together. That night they had ended up at Bucky’s place but it had stayed a one-time thing between them. Mostly because she had met Clint through Bucky and Steve only shortly afterwards and everyone had immediately noticed the chemistry between them but also because for Bucky she had mostly been a distraction from his crush on Steve. It sounded meaner than it was, really, he knew she had enjoyed it just as much as he had but she just wasn’t Steve. Not that Bucky would ever find out what it would be like to sleep with Steve, mind you…

Speaking of, Natasha was currently nudging his side to get his attention and repeated her words when she realised he had been lost in thought. “So, you and Steve. Faking it.”

It was a statement, not a question, but Bucky nodded softly nonetheless. “Well, he didn’t mean for this to happen but it did and now we’re stuck with this lie… And you know what he’s like…”

“I do. And more importantly, I know you. You can’t refuse him anything. But do you really think this was a good idea?”

Actually, Bucky thought it was the most stupid thing he’d ever agreed to do but he wouldn’t give Natasha the satisfaction of telling her that so he just shrugged. “I couldn’t say no, not with how Sarah is doing. He’d do anything for his mother, Nat.”

“And you’d do anything for him. Even pretend to have dated for months and be engaged to him when you’re in love with him for real,” she said matter-of-factly.

Bucky stopped dead in his tracks, causing her to stop as well and turn to face him. “I’m not…” he started but her expression made him shut up quickly.

“Don’t lie to me, Barnes. You’re like a lovesick puppy around him and it’s honestly a miracle no one else seems to have caught on yet. Although I wouldn’t be surprised if Sam and Pepper knew, too.”

Staring down at the sidewalk, Bucky murmured, “How long…?”

“Since I first saw you two together, silly. You’re not exactly subtle.”

“Fuck…” he mumbled, slouching his shoulders. “You really think he doesn’t know, though?”

Natasha snorted and started walking again, dragging Bucky with her. “Please, have you met the guy? You’d probably have to show up with a huge neon sign reading ‘I love you’ for him to notice. But seriously, Bucky, what do you think it’s gonna be like? You don’t really believe you can just fake a relationship for months and then go back to being friends like nothing ever happened, do you?”

“I don’t know, Nat. Maybe it’s just gonna go away …”

“Yeah, right. And maybe tomorrow Tony’s gonna wake up and realise he’s actually in love with Bruce, not Pepper.”

“I really don’t appreciate your sarcasm right now,” Bucky grumbled but he knew she was right. If anything, Bucky just kept falling even more for Steve with every look, every time they held hands.

They had reached the corner where they ways parted and this time, it was Natasha who stopped walking. She looked up at Bucky and cupped his face with her hands. “I’m trying to help you but I’m also being realistic. Basically, you have three options. One, you act like everything’s fine and keep up the charade but get more and more miserable. Two, you tell Steve you can’t pretend to be together with him for whatever reason and go back to how it was before last weekend. Three, you tell him the truth and confess your feelings for him.”

Bucky gently pulled her hands away and shook his head. “I can’t. I just… it’s gonna be fine, ‘s not forever, after all. I’ll be okay.”

Natasha sighed and looked away, thinking the situation over. When she met his eyes again her expression was unreadable. “James, are you sure about this? I mean, is there absolutely no way Steve might possibly feel the same?”

For several seconds Bucky just stared at her, unsure if he’d just heard right, if she had just voiced his biggest hope and greatest fear at once that he’d never dared to say out loud. “I, uh, he’s…” he finally stammered. How could he tell Natasha Steve definitely didn’t have the same feelings for Bucky that Bucky had for him without telling her about Steve’s orientation? He knew it wasn’t his place to let her know, that was Steve’s choice and his alone.

“Okay, easier question, are you sure Steve’s straight?” Natasha rephrased, not actually making it easier in the slightest.

“Um, yeah, I mean Steve’s… only ever had a thing for Peggy, back at school, y’know…”

With a shrug, she simply stated, “That doesn’t prove anything.”

“Nat, he –” Luckily the ringing of his phone cut him off and he quickly pulled it from his pocket. When he saw it was his mother he quickly apologised and told her he needed to take this call. Natasha patted his cheek, said she’d text him later, and waved as she headed down the street. Bucky accepted the call just before it went to voice mail and continued his way home.

“Hey, Ma.”

“Darling, is everything alright with you? You sound strange.”

Bucky cleared his throat and trudged the last few yards along the sidewalk. “I’m fine, just exhausted. Work was tough today. Is there any reason you’re calling?”

“There is. Your grandmother just called me to remind you that her and grandpa’s golden wedding anniversary is next weekend.”

“Yeah, I know, I haven’t forgotten. I already cancelled my plans with Steve and took a day off at work.” He stopped in front of the door and fished his keys from his pocket.

“Actually, Nana told me to let you know that Steve is formally invited as well. They want to celebrate your engagement, too. A double celebration, if you will.”

The keys clinked to the ground and Bucky suddenly felt dizzy. He cursed under his breath as he crouched down to pick them up, hoping his mother didn’t hear it as she kept on rambling how sweet and romantic it would be. “Ma, I, uh, I don’t know if Steve has time and you know he visits Sarah every weekend.”

“Nonsense, I spoke with Sarah earlier to hear how she’s doing. She loved the idea and said she’ll just tell Steve to come by another day.” Why did Winifred and Sarah have to be such close friends?! Bucky asked himself desperately. If they weren’t his life would be so much easier right now. “Talk to him, honey, alright?” 

“I will,” he mumbled. “Gotta go, Ma. I’ll let you know if Steve has time.”

“You do that. Love you, James.”

“Love you, too.” He ended the call and finally managed to fit the key into the keyhole and unlock the door. Numbly, he climbed the stairs up to his tiny apartment. Once he was inside he dropped his keys and phone on the dresser next to the door, walked straight to his sofa bed, threw himself onto it, buried his face in his pillow and started screaming. He didn’t give a fuck if he was dramatic, it just felt good to let it all out. When he started to get hoarse he took a deep breath and rolled onto his back to stare at the ceiling. He and Steve needed to come up with an excuse, otherwise they would be stuck at his grandparents’ house in the middle of nowhere for three fucking days, pretending to be utterly in love.

Bucky felt sick. Natasha was right. This wasn’t just going to go away.

Steve. He needed to call Steve.

Groaning, he got up and stumbled back towards the apartment door. In that moment his mobile started ringing and when he picked it up to see Steve’s name on the screen he had a horrible feeling. Something was wrong, he just knew it.

“Steve?”

“Buck, your Ma just called me about your grandparents’ anniversary…” Steve mumbled and Bucky could hear the guilty conscience in his voice. His face lost all colour. That sneaky woman…

“What did you say?” he whispered tonelessly. 

“She caught me by surprise, I didn’t know what to do, she said my Mom wants me to go, so…”

With a curse, Bucky thumped his forehead against the wall. “You said yes, didn’t you?”

“You’re angry, aren’t you?” It was enough of an answer.

Bucky didn’t think he’d ever heard Steve sound so small but right now he didn’t even care. “I will murder you, Rogers. I will suffocate you in your sleep. Or bury you. Or dump you in the Hudson.”

“I’m so, so sorry. Really, you have to believe me, Buck, I didn’t mean to, I swear.”

Breathe, Bucky told himself, breathe. Slow, steady, in, out. Just breathe.

Somehow Steve didn’t seem to be completely freaking out about their situation for once. Or he had learned to master acting in the last forty-eight hours. Either way he calmly tried to reassure Bucky. “It’s just three days, we can do that. It’s gonna be –”

“Don’t,” Bucky growled. “I’m still thinking about ways to kill you painfully.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, yeah, Steve’s a walking disaster. But Bucky isn't much better. At least we get to have some fun, heh  
> I hope you like this new development ^^  
> Edit: I also changed the rating to Teen and Up due to all the swearing


	7. Chapter 7

For the past two days, Bucky’s mind had constantly worked on excuses so he and Steve wouldn’t have to go to his grandparents’ anniversary together. As much as Steve got into fights with everyone when he thought they were wrong he was incredibly hesitant about any kind of confrontation with family and friends so the chances of him telling Winifred he wouldn’t come after he’d already said he’d accompany Bucky were practically zero.

So now Bucky was lying on his bed, staring at the ceiling, contemplating. He could say he had to work on a project for class, otherwise he’d fail. Dum Dum needed him in the garage because Morita couldn’t take over his shifts after all. He could fake being sick. Break his leg. Or he could break Steve’s leg.

Alright, maybe that was a bit drastic. But Steve had gotten them into this mess, over and over again, to be precise, and Bucky was desperate. Then again there was no way he could ever actually hurt Steve. He needed another plan. His mother would buy none of the excuses he had come up with so far.

And it wasn’t helping that since their conversation on the phone on Monday evening, Bucky had ignored all of Steve’s texts and calls. He didn’t want any apologies, didn’t care that Steve hadn’t meant to accept the invitation and that he felt horrible because of it (fine, he did care that Steve was feeling terrible but that didn’t mean he would stop the silent treatment. Definitely not). Bucky had told him he needed time to think, to figure out a solution, but even two days later he had nothing.

Faking their engagement in front of his entire extended family seemed inevitable.

It wasn’t even about having to pretend to be in love with Steve for three whole days, not really. He could do that, dammit, after all he really was in love with him. He could probably even ~~fake it~~ show how he felt without Steve figuring out he wasn’t pretending at all – Natasha had had a point; when it came to romantic feelings Steve was pretty much oblivious to any signs. No, the hardest part about this, about their entire mess, was that it would _hurt_. If Bucky had learned anything from his few relationships that had lasted more than one night it was that he dealt badly with the pain that came with rejection. And this wasn’t just any fling with someone he had spent a few weeks with, this was _Steve_.

And Steve was his entire world.

Which made giving Steve the cold shoulder so goddamn hard. Truth be told, Bucky was still angry at him but mostly he just missed his stupid, idiotic, reckless best friend. This was probably the longest he’d ever gone without at least texting him. But he would see Steve the next day at his damned drawing class, Bucky told himself as he walked back home after work. Until then Steve would have to live with being ignored.

He took the stairs to his apartment only to stop and stare at the hunched figure leaning against the wall next to his apartment door, looking downright miserable.

“Before you tell me to fuck off, I got take out from your favourite Chinese place,” Steve said in a small voice and picked up a white plastic bag with delicious smelling boxes inside as he got up from the ground.

Bucky clenched his jaw and nodded. So much for ignoring Steve. “But only ‘cause you brought dinner,” he grumbled and unlocked his door.

“I missed you, too.” The sobriety of these words did something to Bucky he didn’t want to acknowledge at all.

Nonetheless he scowled a little at Steve – mostly for effect, so? Sue him – but then he opened the door wide. “Come in, punk.”

A few minutes later they were all set up on Bucky’s bed, boxes of food in their laps and munching away quietly as they watched an episode of _Sweet/Vicious_ on Bucky’s laptop. Steve liked the way the show dealt with social issues, Bucky liked how the two main characters kicked ass. When the episode was over and they’d eaten the last of their noodles and chicken, Steve gently bumped Bucky’s shoulder with his own and waited for Bucky to meet his eyes.

Then the words came rushing out like a waterfall, the rambling a nervous habit Steve had never managed to break. “I get that you’re mad but I couldn’t deal with not hearing anything from you anymore. I hate when we fight. But you gotta understand… I couldn’t… It’s just so hard to deal with everything at the moment, y’know, life in general but mostly with my Mom and then this happened and she was so happy, I mean you saw her, but then I made you angry. You’re my best friend and I don’t know what I’d do without you and I’ve been going crazy the past couple days ‘cause I miss you so much and I need you, Buck. I know it’s not fair to drag you into my mess and I’m sorry. I’m gonna tell my Mom that we broke off the engagement. I don’t wanna lose you, too.”

Ughhh. Of course Steve would come and say something that would make Bucky immediately stop being mad at him and instead start being mad at himself for ignoring the dozens of calls and all the texts Steve had sent him. He wrapped an arm around Steve’s shoulders and pulled him into his side.  “You know you’re stuck with me, right? You ain’t getting rid of me. And you’re not gonna lose your ma, either. She’s gonna be just fine, trust me. She’s tough and strong.”

Steve leaned his head on Bucky’s shoulder and bit his lip. “But what if…?” he started eventually but Bucky didn’t let him finish.

“No ‘but’, Steve. Sarah is gonna get through this, and so are you. And I’ll be right there with you, got it?” He took a deep breath and leaned his head back against the wall to stare at the ceiling. “And if that means keeping this story up and go to that family celebration so be it,” he muttered, not quite believing he was actually giving in.

For Steve, he reminded himself. He would do anything for Steve.

Apparently, Steve couldn’t really believe his own ears, either, as he sat up straight and gaped at Bucky. “Seriously?” he finally asked. When Bucky shrugged and then nodded Steve’s expression went from disbelieving to relieved in less than a second and he pulled Bucky into an awkward, uncomfortable side-hug. Bucky didn’t complain.

“You owe me, Rogers, just so you know,” he grumbled as he patted Steve’s back.

He could only hope this wasn’t the worst decision he’d ever made.

***

“I can’t believe I let you talk me into this,” he growled the next day when he peeked into the room and realised Steve’s drawing class was not only packed with at least thirty-five or forty people but most of them were girls. And Bucky was about to take his shirt off in front of them. He wasn’t exactly self-conscious about his body but there were a lot more people than he had expected that were going to stare at him.

“Will it help if I tell you you’re saving my life?” Steve mocked. He was his usual self again after their talk the previous night and Bucky was honestly glad to see him smile again. In Bucky’s opinion Steve had been doing that far too little lately.

Rolling his eyes, Bucky shoved Steve into the classroom. “Been doin’ that ever since that day behind the gym, punk. ‘s nothing new.”

Having to go shirtless in front of a whole bunch of girls, though, that was new. Being intensely ogled by them (“For the sake of drawing,” Steve assured him, but Bucky wasn’t quite sure about that) was new to him, too. He shifted around on the chair in front of the class for a bit while Steve reminded his classmates what they had to pay attention to.

Finally he told Bucky to loosen up, earning himself a scowl, and took a seat in the back of the class to start drawing as well. First Bucky glowered at Steve who was clearly trying to keep a grin off his face but eventually he got bored of it and looked around the room, recognising one or two of the other students. He listened to their quiet conversations and did his best not to move.

He’d never known how long one and a half hours could be. Even English with Mr Coulson in high school hadn’t been this boring. Next time he’d definitely bring his headphones and listen to music, no matter what Steve said.

When the class was finally, _finally_ over he quickly snatched his shirt and pulled it back on, ready to leave this place and grab some dinner with Steve. His best friend seemed to have all the time in the world, though, and turned to a cute blonde who had approached him as soon as she’d packed away her pencils and sketchbook. Somehow she seemed familiar but Bucky just couldn’t put his finger on it.

He crossed his arms, watching how she smiled at him, how she leaned close and rested a hand on Steve’s bicep as she giggled – fucking _giggled_ – at something he’d said. Slowly they made their way to the front of the room and Steve looked up to smile at Bucky.

“Hey, Buck, you remember Sharon, right?”

Sharon. Of course. Right. Bucky gave a curt nod and forced himself to smile. “Hi, ‘s been a while.” Then he turned to Steve and put an arm around his waist. “Steve, darling, I’m starving. Can we go?”

Even though Steve was completely startled, he pulled himself together, nodded and quickly said goodbye to Sharon who seemed just as surprised. Bucky practically dragged Steve out of the room

“What the hell was that about?” Steve asked as soon as they were out of earshot and wriggled out of Bucky’s hold.

“I told you, I’m starving, and by the way being a stupid model is fucking boring. And my ass hurts from sitting in the exact same spot the entire time.”

Naturally, Steve didn’t buy it. And why would he? Bucky had just called him ‘darling’. What the fuck was wrong with him?!

“First of all that was Sharon, not our families. No need to play pretend. And secondly, I know you. This had nothing to do with you being hungry or whatever. So, what is it?”

“Alright, fine, if you gotta know – Sharon Carter, Steve? Really?!”

Steve sighed. “What about her?”

“C’mon, I’ve seen the way she looks at you. She’s clearly interested.”

With a shrug, Steve pulled Bucky past a group of students and out of the building. “Well, I’m not interested in her.”

“You sure?” As soon as the words were out Bucky bit his tongue. Fuck.

Steve stopped to look at Bucky. “Yes, I’m sure. Why are you…? Hold on, are you jealous?”

Yup. _That_ was exactly what was wrong with him. “What?! No!” So much for playing it cool, Barnes, he scolded himself mentally. “I just don’t think that Sharon would be the right choice as a partner. She’s Peggy’s _cousin_ , after all.”

“You don’t say, I almost forgot,” Steve replied sarcastically. “And who do you think would be the appropriate partner for me?”

As he felt his cheeks warm up Bucky prayed to a god he didn’t even believe in that he wasn’t blushing furiously. Hoping to look nonchalant he shrugged and stuffed his hands into his pockets. “Dunno. I just think it’d be weird if you had something with Sharon.”

“Well, thanks for your input. It’s not like I wanna go out with her, okay? Now let’s go get something to eat.”

Bucky would eternally be grateful that Steve let it go for once and hadn’t aven mentioned the pet name. He followed Steve without another word regarding Sharon or Peggy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bucky is putty in Steve's hands, nothing new there, either ;)  
> Don't get me wrong, I really like Sharon but that kiss in Civil War? Really?? I took my chance to put in my two cents.  
> Also if you like vigilantes and female badasses, definitely check out Sweet/Vicious, it's a great show!


	8. Chapter 8

That Friday, Bucky stayed at the garage after the end of his shift. He needed something to take his mind off of things, to stop thinking – and most importantly _over_ thinking – everything regarding Steve, and the easiest way to do that was working on the beauty that was his own car. Everyone except for Gabe had already left so Bucky grabbed the boombox. Dum Dum liked listening to tapes and hated each and every kind of newer technology so Bucky eventually had given up trying to convince him MP3s weren’t evil and made his own mixtape.

Setting the boombox up next to his car, Bucky replaced Dum Dum’s cassette with his own and switched the music on. Gabe just raised a brow at him when some punk rock song he surely didn’t know started playing but soon went back to his paperwork and paid no attention to the music. Bucky disappeared below the engine block after turning up the sound.

Soon he was singing as well, the lyrics rolling off his tongue with no effort. It should be noted that Bucky was a rather unmusical person, not that he cared, so it was certainly better that the ghettoblaster drowned out his ~~attempts at~~ singing. He was so engrossed in the task at hand that he barely registered Gabe calling that he was leaving and just waved half-heartedly at him. Being alone in the garage, listening to songs that reminded him of his time in high school when everything had been easier and he had only had a small crush on a skinny little punk (a misleading nickname, really, since it had always been Bucky who had been the rebellious one of the two of them, even though he didn’t even remember what exactly he’d thought he was rebelling against) he was proud to call his best friend, was one of the best feelings in the world. The only thing that was better was hanging out with Steve, but thinking about that was currently making him somewhat uneasy which he chose not to think about at that moment. Instead he concentrated on the engine above him and the loud My Chemical Romance song that blasted from the boombox, chanting along happily and horribly off-key.

Steve liked to remark that he absolutely did not understand how Bucky could listen to the mostly rather depressing emo and pop punk songs from early 2000s bands and sing along with a big smile on his face. Bucky reminded him that a) a lot of those bands were still making music, b) he didn’t understand how Steve didn’t like the fast rhythms, all the cursing and sometimes deep, meaningful lyrics (whereupon Steve often rolled his eyes) and c) this kind of music just rocked. He had never really grown out of his emo/punk phase, even if he’d lost the eyeliner and long hair several years ago, and he didn’t care if anyone else thought it was dumb or embarrassing.

“Punk’s not dead,” he liked to tell his best friend, and even Steve had to admit that those guys gave pretty awesome concerts – Bucky had once dragged him along to a Green Day concert and almost lost Steve, who at that time had been at least a foot shorter than pretty much everyone else, in the crowd. Other than that it had been an amazing night and Steve had never seen Bucky happier. And if it made Bucky happy Steve certainly wouldn’t complain about his taste in music, just mock him now and again. And show their other friends pictures from the two of them with Bucky’s arm wrapped around Steve’s skinny shoulders, wearing all black and way too much eyeliner that almost made him look like a racoon. The first time Steve had dug out the photographs Bucky had vainly tried to prevent him from showing them around and Natasha had started crying tears of laughter – it had been the only time she’d given more than a smirk or at short laugh in all the time Steve and Bucky had known her.

The mostly black clothes had stayed, as had the crush on Steve, but Bucky liked to think that at least his haircut had improved significantly. He rolled out from under his car to turn the tape around and listen to the B-side. Only then did he realise that he had, in fact, been thinking about Steve the entire time. So much for getting his mind off. Maybe he should just stay here for a few more hours, work on the car and go to Steve’s the next morning. But then Steve might get suspicious, after all Bucky hadn’t missed a single Friday night in years.

It wasn’t even that he didn’t want to see Steve; hanging out with him was still great, but somehow he also kind of dreaded the time with him. He didn’t want to have to acknowledge that this situation they’d found themselves in involuntarily was already hard on him and, more importantly, was already starting to strain their friendship. For the first time since they had become friends the atmosphere between them was awkward and Bucky tried not to think about the previous day (or rather his absolutely embarrassing, jealousy-fuelled reaction to seeing Sharon flirt with Steve).

After a moment’s hesitation, Bucky wiped his hands on his coveralls and got his phone from his locker. He texted Steve he’d come over later and he shouldn’t wait with having dinner and only felt a little bad when Steve immediately texted back a “Everything okay?”

Because everything certainly wasn’t okay. Nonetheless, Bucky reassured him that he just needed a little longer on the car because he was in the middle of something – not exactly a lie, but not the reason for putting off going to see Steve. God, he was a fucking mess he thought as he disappeared under the car again.

At some point he finally stopped thinking about the chaos his life had become and concentrated entirely on the motor that slowly started to resemble a working engine again. Around nine he headed home for a quick, cold shower, packed a few things and took his bike to Steve’s place. When he finally arrived almost three hours later than usual, he was a little calmer than he had been all day and managed to act normal for the rest of the evening. Yet he still caught Steve glancing at him occasionally when he thought Bucky wouldn’t notice, a worried expression on his face.

***

“Buck, wake up, sleepyhead!” The excitement in Steve’s voice was barely enough reason for Bucky to even crack open an eye so he just ignored him and buried deeper into the nest of blankets and pillows he’d build on Steve’s too small couch.

“C’mon, I know you’re awake. I made coffee.”

With an annoyed grunt, Bucky turned around awkwardly until Steve was looking at his back. Even Steve’s coffee which was admittedly great – Steve somehow had the ability to make amazing coffee no matter the circumstances – couldn’t get Bucky out of bed (or from the sofa). “Go ‘way, wanna sleep.”

Steve actually had the audacity to poke his side and, when that didn’t elicit a reaction except for an irritated growl, give his shoulder a shove. “You can sleep in tomorrow. We have plans for today.”

“Y’ said nothing ‘bout plans last night.”

“’cause it’s supposed to be a surprise. Now get your lazy ass up. It’s almost ten already.”

Curling in on himself, Bucky pulled the blanket over his head. His voice was muffled when he whined, “Nooo. Way too early. Leave me ‘lone.”

“Buck, don’t make me force you.”

“Whatcha gonna do, huh, punk?”

He should have known Steve would take it as a challenge. In the next moment he grabbed Bucky’s shoulder, turned him onto his back so that he almost slid off the sofa but instead of just pulling him down onto the ground where Bucky might just continue to sleep Steve slid one arm under Bucky’s knees and wrapped the other around his shoulders and picked him up bridal style. Instantly, Bucky was wide away, staring at Steve with big eyes and trying to wiggle out of his hold so that Steve had trouble to not let go of him.

“The hell are you doing?! Let me down! You could hurt yourself!”

Since they had similar arguments every Saturday morning Steve looked slightly annoyed. While Bucky could sleep in until noon Steve was up early and often went for a run before he even thought about attempting to wake Bucky. This approach was new, though, and apparently the most effective one so far. “See, now you’re awake. And I’m not small anymore, y’know, now stop that or I’m gonna drop you.” At that, Bucky actually stopped wriggling around in Steve’s arms and clutched onto him. “You gonna drink your coffee now and stop being all grumpy?”

“You woke me! Before ten in the morning! And now you’re holding me like _this!_ Of course I’m grumpy!” Bucky grouched. “Now let. Me. Down.”

Steve finally complied and carefully set Bucky down onto his feet, holding on to him a moment longer than strictly necessary. Bucky ignored it and just glared at him.

“Where’s the stupid coffee?”

Utterly unfazed, Steve crossed his arms over his chest. “You don’t have to drink it.”

“Give me the coffee, Rogers, or you will regret it.” It was an empty threat, they both knew it, but Steve just smiled innocently and nodded over to the small kitchen nook. Bucky trudged the few yards to the counter, grabbed the mug and took a big gulp. Only when the mug was half empty did he look up at Steve warily. “What’re we doing today?”

“We’re going climbing,” Steve replied as if it was the most logical thing in the world.

Bucky raised a brow. “You hate climbing. You don’t like heights.”

“Yeah, well, but you do. So we’re going to a climbing gym.”

“You have a bad conscience.”

The tips of Steve’s ears went pink and he shrugged sheepishly. “Well, I mean… It’s all my fault so I thought we could do something that you’ve always wanted to do together. I know it doesn’t make up for anything but I just…” he trailed off, looking for the right thing to say but unable to find the right words.

Bucky couldn’t help a small smile spreading over his face. “That’s… a nice idea. Even if you woke me up at this godforsaken time.”

Steve rolled his eyes. “You’re like a sloth, you know that? Get ready, I wanna go.”

“I like to think of myself more as a panda, thank you very much. They sleep a lot, too.”

“You’d have to start using your eyeliner again to count as a panda. And pandas are way cuter.”

“Are you saying I’m not cute?” Bucky asked with an exaggerated pout and it almost felt like their usual banter.

“More sloth-cute than panda-cute. Now come on, Buck, get moving.”

Bucky grumbled something unintelligible to himself, emptied his coffee mug and scuffed into the bathroom to brush his teeth. He could hear Steve rummaging in the kitchenette and found him stuffing something into his backpack when he stuck his head out of the bathroom, toothbrush still in his mouth.

When he was _finally_ ready to go – Steve was so incredibly impatient, Bucky could only shake his head – Steve practically dragged him down the stairs and towards the subway station like an overexcited child. Bucky knew it was a sign of his nervousness so he tried to take his mind off of the climbing for a bit.

“Y’know, we should take photos and send them to our families. Like we’re on a date.”

Steve grimaced and held on tight to the grabpole. Okay, wrong topic, apparently. Bucky wracked his brain and eventually decided to update his best friend on the progress he was making on his Camaro but Steve only seemed to listen with half an ear so Bucky was glad when they arrived at the station and took the short walk to the climbing gym.

To say Bucky was excited was definitely an understatement when he saw the enormous climbing walls. He could barely wait until their instructor had explained everything and only just refrained from dashing to the wall. Steve followed him slowly, eyeing it cautiously.

Bucky immediately started climbing as Steve watched from the ground. “Come on up,” he called. “This is awesome!”

“I’m glad you like it,” Steve mumbled and hesitantly gripped the first handhold, slowly making his way up the wall. Don’t look down, he reminded himself, don’t. Instead he focused on Bucky who was steadily climbing higher. When Bucky had almost reached the top of the wall Steve dared to glance down to see how much progress he had made. He instantly regretted it and quickly looked up again, focusing on clinging to the handholds as his face paled.

“Bucky?” he called from halfway up the giant wall, stoically staring at the grey structure right in front of his face.

“Yeah?”

“In hindsight this might have been a very bad idea,” Steve informed his best friend in a small voice.

Bucky looked back down at him. “Just rope down, nothing can happen.”

“I can’t.”

“Sure you can, you just gotta let go.”

“No, I _can’t_.”

No three seconds later, Bucky was right by his side. “You’re not gonna fall, you’re not gonna get hurt, okay? It’s completely safe,” he assured Steve who looked like he might throw up and put a hand on his shoulder.

“I can’t let go. What if something _does_ happen?”

“It won’t. C’mon, I’ll go with you, okay? Let go of the handholds, hold on to the rope and basically start walking down the wall.” Laying an arm around Steve’s waist, Bucky smiled at him. “Just trust me.”

Steve took a deep breath and squeezed his eyes shut. He clamped a hand around the rope and took a small step down, wavering when his foot didn’t immediately found purchase on the wall. Bucky held on to him, encouraging him to let go with his other hand as well. It took forever – or at least it felt that way to Steve – until they were back on firm ground again and Steve slumped down onto his knees.

“Remind me to never do that again.”

“Well, to be fair, you’ve never had the best ideas,” Bucky teased. “You want me to stay with you?”

“Nah, ‘m good now. You go up there again.” It took Steve a moment to convince Bucky he would be just fine right there on the ground but eventually Bucky briefly squeezed his shoulder, grinned at him and went off to climb another wall, this one more complicated than the first.

“You and your boyfriend are so cute,” a girl – their instructor from earlier, Steve realised when he looked up – cheerfully said next to him and he blushed furiously.

“We’re, um… he’s not… Uh, thanks…?” he spluttered awkwardly and quickly turned his attention back to Bucky, glad that his best friend was too far up the wall to have witnessed anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shout out to Kelly and her boyfriend for coming up with ideas for Steve and Bucky's first (non)date - I honestly am so bad at this but I hope you like what our two dorks have been up to :)


	9. Chapter 9

Modelling for drawing classes sucked. So much. The second time around it was even more boring, even though Bucky was listening to music with one earphone. Ten minutes in he started glaring daggers at Sharon every time she looked down on her sketchbook and Steve’s eyes weren’t on him either. To his knowledge Steve hadn’t corrected her assumption that they were a couple – he honestly didn’t understand why but he sure as hell wouldn’t do so, either. For the moment he was content with indulging in the fantasy a little more. He had finally convinced his brain it would all be fine. His heart was another story, though.

However, it didn’t seem to bother Sharon that Steve was supposedly together with Bucky at all, on the contrary she still stuck to Steve like wax in the course of the entire class. She’d chosen a seat right next to him and leaned close every few minutes to say something, making Steve blush more often than not and smile back at her. Even when the one and a half hours were finally over and Bucky could get properly dressed again she accompanied Steve to the front of the class where Bucky was waiting impatiently.

Just as they reached him, Sharon smiled up at Steve and said sweetly, “Oh, Steve, I almost forgot, Peggy sends her regards. She’s really happy for you two.” 

Bucky clenched his jaw; surely she had waited for this exact moment as she gave him a scrutinizing look. First she had flirted with Steve and now she just had to remind him of Peggy? It was hardly a coincidence. He smiled coldly, barely managing not to physically drag Steve out of the room and away from her. 

“You talked to Peggy?” Steve all but squawked without noticing that Bucky now scowled at him. 

“Yeah, sure, we talk on the phone every few weeks and I just had to tell her these news. She also told me that you two have barely talked in ages even though you promised to stay in touch.”

Immediately, Steve stared at his shoes and mumbled, “Well, it’s kinda… hard, y’know, with her being gone and the different time zones and all…”

The look on Sharon’s face made it clear that she didn’t believe Steve’s lame excuse for even a second.

Taking pity of his best friend (or at least that was what he told himself), Bucky reached for Steve’s hand, linked their fingers, tugged softly and forced himself to smile at Sharon once more. As he started pulling Steve towards the door he said, “We’d love to stay and chat but we actually still have to pack and stuff. Tell Peggy we said hi, yeah?”

“I will.” There was something in her eyes that Bucky didn’t like at all but it was gone after a split second. “See you guys, and have fun this weekend.”

Steve’s cheeks were a soft shade of pink when they made their way through the long hallways of the old building and he gently pulled his hand out of Bucky’s hold once they had rounded the corner. Bucky decided it was best not to think about it too much.

“Thanks for getting me outta there,” Steve murmured to Bucky’s surprise. He’d thought Steve would be annoyed with him again but he just looked relieved. Then it hit him.

“You still miss Peggy that much, huh?” No need to be jealous of someone who was halfway across the globe, he told himself, but the sting in his heart didn’t disappear. 

Pushing open the exit door and holding it open for Bucky, Steve shrugged. “I don’t really wanna talk about it.”

“Alright… So, about tomorrow, my family’s gonna pick us up at my place at eleven – meaning they probably won’t arrive before quarter past anyway, you know them – so just be there a couple minutes earlier, okay? And you should probably pack your sketchbook and some music unless you wanna listen to my sister’s babbling for the entire ride,” he added with a grin.

“You know your family isn’t that bad.”

Bucky snorted. “You say that now. They’re gonna be all over us. And I still don’t even know what to pack– oh, shit, by the way, you do have a suit, right? Nana said Sunday’s gonna be a formal dinner.” 

Steve made a face. “Yeah, somewhere.”

“Don’t look at me like that, Rogers, this is your fault. I still gotta figure out which of my clothes are least likely to be criticised.”

“Pack your old, ratty band shirts and those ripped skinny jeans, I bet your family is gonna love that,” Steve suggested and finally the smile Bucky loved so much was back on his face.

“I just might take them with me and then force you to wear ‘em – y’know, sharing clothes and all that cutesy shit real couples do. Now that I think about it, I know just the one.”

Smirking, Steve shoved Bucky towards the bicycle racks where Bucky fetched his bike. “You’re never gonna get me to wear any of your ridiculous band shirts with weird names on them.”

“Nah, I was more thinking about the ‘Give me head till I’m dead’ shirt, you know, the one that got me detention in junior year. I still gotta have that somewhere in my closet, it’s probably not any tighter than your shirts, Stevie.”

The horrified look on Steve’s face was priceless but he quickly caught himself. “Never. I’m going home now. And you’re an idiot.” With that, Steve bumped Bucky’s shoulder on purpose as he passed him and walked towards the street. When he turned his head to shoot a last glance at his best friend over his shoulder, Bucky smirked at him.

“It’ll be payback!” he yelled after Steve who flipped him off, not able to hide his own grin.

***

Bucky was stumbling through his tiny apartment half asleep the next morning, gathering the last things he needed to take on their weekend trip to hell (or rather, Maine with his family, basically the same thing), when the doorbell rang. He buzzed Steve in and a few seconds later his best friend was standing in his doorway, heavy duffle bag slung over one shoulder, two cups of coffee in his hands.

“Thought you’d need this,” he said and handed one over to Bucky who accepted it gratefully and watched him take a few sips before disappearing back into the bathroom to grab his toothbrush. “I take it you’re not even close to finished?” 

“Told you, my family’s never punctual anyway,” Bucky replied and suppressed a yawn. “We still got time.”

After setting his backpack down next to the door, Steve pushed some shirts and school books from one half of the sofa to the other side and sat down on the small free space. If possible Bucky’s apartment was even more chaotic and messy than usual. He watched as Bucky forcefully zipped up his backpack that looked like it was threatening to burst open again any second. “You didn’t put your suit in there, did you?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Nope, Ma’s bringing that, it was still at my parents’ place. Not like I usually need it.”

Steve smiled wearily. “True. Last time I saw you in it was when we graduated high school, you still had long hair and a crush on that Romance guy.”

“Please, that crush was in sophomore year when Gerard was still taller than me. I think during senior year I had a crush on Avril. Or Ryan. The one from Panic!,” Bucky added when he noticed Steve’s confusion and finally flopped down onto the couch next to Steve, almost crushing his engineering books. “Or did you mean Frank?”

“I don’t fucking know their names,” Steve grumbled, “you had a crush on pretty much every one of those guys.”

Bucky shrugged. “At least I wasn’t into Katy Perry like pretty much the rest of our year. Anyway, you think you’re ready for this?”

Letting his head fall against the backrest, Steve huffed. “We can’t really get out of this now, can we?”

“I could still push you down the stairs,” Bucky joked. Then he sat up straight and stared at Steve with wide eyes. They had completely forgotten about the most important and simultaneously most terrifying issue and only their banter about Bucky’s celebrity crushes had reminded him of it.

Steve looked alarmed. “You’re not gonna push me down the stairs!”

“No, I just remembered… um, you know how I…” he stammered as the colour drained from his face. Fuck, why hadn’t he even thought about this earlier?! He had spent enough time daydreaming about being together with Steve but it hadn’t even crossed his mind that… “Steve, you know how I am in, uh, relationships…”

“You’ve never had a relationship that lasted longer than a month,” Steve deadpanned.

“Yeah, no, I know, but my family knows that I’m…” God, he couldn’t do this.

Apparently Steve had no clue what Bucky was trying to say and just stared at him with a mixture of confusion and frustration.

“You said yourself I get handsy when I’m drunk and, um… You remember when I went out with Maria for, like, two weeks?”

Finally, understanding dawned in Steve’s eyes and he swallowed. “You mean the time I had to practically drag you away from her when I wanted to talk to you ‘cause you always had your tongue down her throat?” he quipped weakly. 

Bucky grimaced. “It wasn’t that bad. But my family knows I’m… affectionate?” It sounded more like a question.

Naturally, Steve’s face quickly grew a pretty shade of pink again and he buried it in his hands, whether to hide his blush and his expression or simply out of desperation, Bucky wasn’t sure. “You’re saying holding hands and hugging isn’t gonna be enough to convince them, is it?” came Steve’s muffled voice from behind his hands.

“I don’t think so,” Bucky mumbled and ran his fingers through his hair, messing it up so it stuck in all directions. This weekend was going to be the death of him. He already felt like he was going to throw up. “I mean we could say that you don’t like PDA but I honestly doubt Becca will buy it if we never… Should we, um, discuss boundaries?”

Dropping his hands into his lap, Steve gave a soft nod, barely able to meet Bucky’s eyes. “I guess kisses to the cheek are fine,” he murmured, his face still pink. “But let’s just, uh, try to avoid… actual kissing as long as possible, okay?” 

Bucky nodded as well and willed his voice to sound steady. “Sure. Whatever you wan–” He flinched when the doorbell cut him off and he quickly got up to get his backpack before he said something stupid. “C’mon, let’s go, Ma would get a heart attack if she saw my place.”

“No wonder…” Following Bucky, Steve only stopped to grab his duffle, then they were out the door.

The Barneses were waiting in the car, smiling and waving at them cheerfully, oblivious to the dread and impending doom Bucky was feeling. As soon as they had loaded their luggage into the trunk and squeezed into the backseat next to an excited Becca Bucky pulled his headphones from his pocket. All he wanted was for the earth to swallow him so he wouldn’t have to be stuck in a car with his family and Steve pressed right next to him for five hours and, even worse, survive the next three days. Since that wouldn’t happen, though, he decided he might as well listen to aggressive music until he fell asleep – he had the ability to sleep anywhere, no matter the circumstances.

Indeed he managed to doze off twenty minutes into the trip and only woke up when Steve gently nudged him, realising he had slept with his head on Steve’s shoulder and giving him an apologising look. When he blinked out of the window he saw the woods surrounding his grandparents’ vacation home – an old, rustic brick house almost as huge as a mansion with dark, polished hardwood floors and over a dozen rooms. 

He shot Becca an angry look when Steve informed him she had taken pictures of them while he was asleep because they were “just so fucking adorable” but he didn’t have any time to curse at her when his grandpa knocked against the car window. Becca scrambled out of the car, limbs stiff from the long time sitting, to greet their grandparents, and Steve shot Bucky one last insecure look before he followed her. He was instantly pulled into Nana’s arms. Bucky was the last one to exit the car and be hugged by his tiny grandma. When she finally let go of him again she looked up at him and Steve.

“We’re so happy you two are here!” she exclaimed and Gramps nodded with a big smile. “This is going to be an amazing weekend! We even have a surprise for you. But now you should freshen up and then greet the rest of the family. Everyone is so excited to see you again, Steve.”

Winifred saved the two as she called for them to help with the luggage. She ushered them up the driveway and into the house that was already filled with booming voices, laughter and delicious smells.

“James, Rebecca is staying in your room this weekend. I prepared the room at the end of the hall for you two, the one on the right. Don’t be too long and don’t fool around, there’s enough time for that when you’re back home,” Nana said and winked at them.

This time, Steve and Bucky both blushed and hurried up the stairs before Nana could say any more embarrassing things. Bucky had expected to sleep in the small room he usually occupied and that Steve would get the guest bedroom. He honestly shouldn’t be surprised that his family thought they wouldn’t want to be seperated. Nonetheless he had to swallow hard when he opened the door on the far end of the hallway on the second floor and found a cosy room in soft blues and purples. The giant canopy bed was the heart of the room, a dresser to its left, and the window looked out on the garden and the lake behind the tall trees, glinting in the sunlight. It was one of the most beautiful rooms of the house, Bucky knew that, and the view was amazing, but that didn’t change that it had only one bed. Behind him Steve sighed softly.

“We better hang up our suits,” he mumbled, sounding tired.

Bucky was honestly more concerned with the fact that they obviously had to share a bed than with the stupid suits. They hadn’t slept in a bed together in years and it had already been hard enough in high school when he had merely had a crush on Steve. He didn’t even want to imagine how horrible waking up next to Steve tomorrow morning would be when he had to pretend everything was fine.

Because everything was most definitely not fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since this is a fake relationship fic the having to share a bed part is absolutely necessary - you can pry these tropes from my cold dead fingers, I just love them and I'm not even sorry!  
> The shirt Bucky mentions is inspired by Pete Wentz's wardrobe at Reading in 2013. Bucky totally had to buy it because he knew it would get him into trouble and Steve would blush every time he saw it. You can see it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_tTy5Qe41w&feature=youtu.be&t=49m18s :D


	10. Chapter 10

While Steve was hanging up his suit on the clothes hook behind the door, Bucky slumped down onto the giant, old bed and watched Steve as he started to neatly stow away his clothes in the dresser. Bucky had carelessly dumped his backpack next to the bed and didn't even think about taking his clothes out until he needed them. Eventually, he averted his eyes and stared at the drapes of the bed, losing himself in the soft purple and tiny, silver glittering stars sewn onto the fabric.

These might just be the only calm minutes he’d get during the entire weekend.

“You think they’re gonna buy it?” Steve asked quietly as he put the last of his clothes away and closed the drawer.

Bucky sighed and ran a hand over his face. “Hopefully. Becca is probably the one who would figure it out first but who knows what the rest of the bunch will think... Guess we gotta stick to our story, make sheep’s eyes at each other the whole time and hope for the best.”

Sitting down on the bed next to Bucky, Steve gently squeezed his shoulder. “Yeah… Y’know, I can never make this up to you.” 

“Don’t worry about it, pal. Anything for you.”

“No one else would be crazy enough to go through with this, you know that.”

The smile Bucky gave Steve hopefully didn't look as bitter as he felt. “Well, then we both gotta be insane, huh?” He certainly felt like he was going insane.

Steve shrugged sheepishly and clutched his hands together in his lap, staring down at them as he bit his lip and took a deep breath. He was pale and his usual sunshine-and-smiles attitude had long since vanished. Even his eyes seemed a lighter shade of blue than usual and it painfully reminded Bucky of Sarah’s watery eyes over the past months. 

“You okay?” Bucky asked softly.

“I think I might throw up.”

With a snort, he nudged Steve’s side and, in an attempt to lighten the mood, said, “Why thank you, that’s exactly what I like to hear from the people I’m fake-engaged to. I’m totally into that.”

“You know I don’t mean it that way…” Steve said helplessly and looked at Bucky with his stupid puppy expression. Bucky hated how much he loved it and he could never, ever be mad at his best friend when he looked like this, couldn’t hold anything against him. 

He sighed and stood up, holding out a hand to Steve. “We should go before Nana comes to check on us or Becca barges in…”

Taking the proffered hand, Steve smiled weakly and let Bucky pull him up and towards the door. Just when Bucky was about to open it, though, Steve stopped him with a hand on his arm. “Buck, this… this doesn’t change anything, right?” he asked insecurely. Clearly he had caught on to Bucky’s weird behaviour and Bucky instantly felt his stomach clench.

“’course not,” he was quick to assure his best friend nonetheless, a heavy feeling in his heart.

“Good, ‘cause y’know, we’re still just us when no one’s around…”

“Yeah, sure. But for now we gotta put on a show.” He shrugged and quickly decided to change the topic. “Now c’mon. Let’s see how many offensive things we’ll hear this weekend. We should keep a tally chart and take bets. I’m sure the fossils will have a lot to say.”

Steve chuckled. “You probably shouldn’t call ‘em that to their faces.”

“No shit, Rogers. Oh, hey, how do you feel about pet names by the way?”

The face Steve made was more than enough of an answer. 

“Alright, fine, I’ll stick to Stevie.”

“You have noticed I’m not 5’4” anymore, right?” he complained. “Stevie sounds like I’m still the skinny kid from five years ago.”

“To me, you’ll always be 90 pounds of reckless, righteous stupidity, Stevie,” Bucky grinned.

“I hate you.”

Still smirking, Bucky gripped Steve’s sleeve, opened the door and pulled his best friend with him into the hallway. “No, you don’t.”

As they made their way down to the ground floor, Bucky’s grin faltered, though, and he felt a lump form in his throat and his palms get clammy. Knowing his mother and grandmother, pretty much everybody in this house was already assuming he and Steve were an item so they hopefully didn’t have to officially announce their ‘engagement’ in front of the entire family. But that was only a scrap of comfort.

Exchanging a last look as they reached the bottom of the stairs, Steve and Bucky and made their way to the salon most members of the Barnes clan (since Steve had called Bucky’s family that several years ago it had somehow stuck with him, even though Bucky insisted it sounded like his family was part of the mafia) were occupying. Without a word, Steve reached for Bucky’s hand and they stepped into the room.

One of Bucky’s uncles was the first one to notice them standing awkwardly in the doorway. “Oh, look who’s here!” he announced in a booming voice as he crossed the huge space towards the door. Immediately, several pairs of eyes locked onto them, taking in their forced smiles and intertwined fingers. “James, it’s so good to see you again. Is that really Steven? Boy, you’ve grown an awful lot since last time.” He slapped Steve on the shoulder and Steve did his best not to wince.

A few of Bucky’s (mostly female) younger cousins huddled together and started whispering with each other, peeking over at him and Steve occasionally, while other members of the family joined their small group to congratulate them and welcome Steve into the family.

Bucky couldn’t say how long they were bombarded with questions he was sure they would have to answer at least half a dozen more times over the course of the next few days. Finally he had enough, excused himself and dragged Steve who was way too polite to just leave towards the kitchen to take a break from all the hubbub and get them something to drink. He smiled at his grandma and his godfather who were preparing dinner while exchanging the newest gossip.

“I’m already exhausted,” Steve admitted while Bucky emptied his glass of water in one big gulp.

“Does that really surprise you?”

Steve didn’t have any time to answer because in that moment Winifred came into the kitchen and ushered them back into the salon to greet more relatives. Much to Bucky’s chagrin, it was his great uncle Alexander who had just arrived with his wife. Bucky had always thought Alexander was creepy, and his wife wasn’t much better. Still he put on a false smile and shook their cold hands.

“Hello, Alexander; hi Mary, how are you?” he practically yelled. His great aunt had been hard of hearing for years now, even if she didn’t want to admit it, and everybody had to shout so she would hear them. Alexander flinched and scowled at him.

“James, it’s been so long since I’ve last seen you. I’m so glad you got your hair cut, it looked hideous.” Mary didn’t seem to notice that Steve was about to protest and Bucky squeezed his hand hard to keep him quiet, secretly thinking it was cute that he wanted to protect him from mean comments. Then he remembered Steve was just playing his role and he was once again over-interpreting his actions. 

“How is school? Have you met any nice girls lately? I imagine there are few girls in your classes so it’s surely hard to meet any respectable ones.” Alexander must have noticed that Steve and Bucky were still holding hands but apparently he chose to ignore it entirely.

Trying his hardest not to pull a face – because how outdated and sexist was his attitude?! – Bucky calmly said, “School is fine, I only have one more year till graduation. And actually I’m in a relationship. This is my fiancé.” He nodded towards Steve with a tight smile.

His great uncle’s face turned even surlier while his great aunt looked around the room in confusion, overlooking Steve completely while clearly trying to find someone she wasn’t familiar with amongst all the family members. “What? Where is she?”

“Mary, this is him. Steve. You remember him, don’t you? We’re, uh, we’re engaged now.”

For a few seconds, Mary eyed Steve, utterly befuddled. “Aren’t you that skinny Rogers kid?”

“Yes, ma’am. Not so skinny anymore, though,” Steve murmured and Bucky was sure she hadn’t caught half of what he’d said, even if she nodded.

Her eyes darted to his and Bucky’s intertwined hands, then she turned to her husband. “Well that certainly is a surprise, isn’t it, dear?”

“Not really, if you ask me,” Alexander mumbled coldly, ignored her confused expression and steered her away from Steve and Bucky without another word.

“Does that count as one or two offensive things?” Bucky asked as soon as they were out of earshot and Steve snorted.

“Three. At least. You forgot the haircut one. I think we should try avoiding them from now on.”

Nodding in agreement, Bucky lead Steve towards the seating area where his grandfather was resting. At least he wouldn’t judge them, Bucky thought, and he’d seen the pitying look he had given them when Alexander had stomped off.

“How are you boys holding up?” he asked when they sat down next to him. 

“Could be worse,” Bucky lied. He honestly couldn’t come up with a lot of scenarios that might be worse than being the attraction of this weekend’s family gathering. Oh, the joys of being the only queer kid of the family.

His grandfather saw right through him and smiled sympathetically. “Don’t listen to them, they’re cranky old people. You know, Steve, I can’t even tell you how delighted I am that James has found someone who’s making him happy,” he added. “You’ve always been so good for each other and I’m glad that you finally figured out your feelings. James is very lucky to have you.”

Bucky cleared his throat awkwardly and suddenly wished he still had his long hair so he could hide his blushing face behind it. Before he could even think about a reply, though, Steve who was also flushing smiled at Bucky’s grandpa and said, “Honestly, I’m the lucky one. He’s too good to me.” When he raised their interlaced fingers and softly pressed his lips to the back of Bucky’s hand while looking right into his eyes as if they were the only people in the room Bucky swore his heart stopped beating for several seconds before picking up twice as fast. His face turned an even brighter shade of pink and he was embarrassingly close to swooning.

If necessary, Steve was a surprisingly good actor. 

“Aren’t they just fucking adorable together???” Becca suddenly squealed right next to Bucky’s ear, making him and Steve wince in unison, and threw her arms around both their shoulders, ignoring the reproachful look of one of their aunts when her toddler immediately tried to repeat the swearword. 

Grampa just chuckled as Becca started complaining that such cuteness had been kept from her for months and Bucky rolled his eyes at Steve. His best friend’s face was still red but he smiled softly. Eventually Nana’s announcement that dinner would be ready soon saved them from Becca and they made sure to grab seats far away from both her and Alexander. Thankfully, nobody held it against them when they excused themselves shortly after the opulent dinner and having helped doing the dishes, claiming they were sleepy – which really was an understatement, Bucky couldn’t remember any previous family celebration being this exhausting.

Once in their room, he fell face-first onto the bed, only able to hum in agreement when Steve said he was going to take a quick shower in the small en-suite bathroom. Steve pulled a few things from a drawer and quietly closed the bathroom door behind him. When the shower was switched on a minute or two later, Bucky turned onto his back and stared at the ceiling, losing himself in thought to the white noise of the rushing water. His mind soon wandered back to the first time he’d kept a secret from Steve. Technically, it was still the same secret, only it had gotten worse over time and Steve only knew a fraction of what he had figured out several years ago.

Bucky had realised he was bi after he had caught himself watching Steve getting undressed from the corner of his eye when he’d slept over several times. They had just turned 16 and somehow he couldn’t help wondering how it would feel to run his fingers over Steve’s white skin, explore every single dip and small curve of his body with his hands and trace his lips from his collarbones up to his neck and finally kiss him. He had been shocked by the realisation that the fantasy, the desire to give in, wasn’t just something his sleepy brain had fabricated in the dead of the night but continued to grow, slowly but surely, over the next weeks. For a while he had withdrawn himself, had used excuses to spend a little less time with Steve because he felt like it was too much, that Steve would notice any moment how Bucky kept sneaking glances at him. He had told himself he was overthinking things, there was no way he could be sure he actually was into boys when he’d only thought about girls that way so far. He couldn’t exactly just go up to some random guy and kiss him to see if it was just as good as kissing girls. And he definitely couldn’t just kiss Steve.

But still he had known it was real, he had developed feelings for a boy. For his best friend, the person he trusted most in the entire world, the one he would do anything for.

He had known he wouldn’t be able to keep this secret to himself forever. Of course Steve had noticed something was off and kept dropping hints that he would listen if Bucky ever wanted to talk about whatever was bothering him. It had taken him weeks of gathering his courage and Steve sitting him down and asking him outright what was wrong, if he had done something, to tell him. His voice had been nothing more than a whisper when he’d told Steve that he thought he might like boys, too. He hadn’t dared telling Steve it was him who had made him realise it, hadn’t even dared to look at him. Then two skinny arms had wrapped around him and Steve had whispered, “Thanks for telling me. It’s okay, y’know, it’s normal.”

“How d’you know?” Bucky had asked, his voice muffled by the fabric of Steve’s shirt as he had pressed his face into Steve’s bony shoulder.

Steve had shrugged softly and mumbled, “Dunno, it just is. There’s other people who like boys and girls.”

Bucky was so caught in his own head that he didn’t notice Steve coming back into the room, already dressed in boxers and a comfortable tee and his hair still damp and messy from the shower. 

“As big as this bed is, there’s no way I’m gonna get any sleep if you keep lying right there in the middle like a starfish,” he teased and pushed one of Bucky’s legs aside. “You gotta choose one side.”

With a groan, Bucky rolled to the left and stayed on his stomach, glaring up at Steve who was watching him with a mixture of amusement and something Bucky couldn’t quite pinpoint.

Rolling his eyes, Steve sat down on the other side of the bed. “You’re a drama queen, that really wasn’t so bad. You gonna take a shower, too?” He didn’t seem fazed by the thought of sharing a bed at all, Bucky realised as Steve pulled back the covers. But then he wasn’t secretly in love with Bucky, so that was that.

“Nah. T’morrow.” Pushing himself up to his knees, he decided he should at least brush his teeth and get dressed for the night. He rummaged around his backpack unwillingly for a bit until he ran out of patience and just emptied it onto the floor, ignoring Steve’s disapproving “tsk” and heading into the bathroom with his toothbrush. 

When he got back a couple minutes later, Steve had already cuddled into the covers on the right side of the bed and buried his face in the soft pillow. Hesitantly, Bucky climbed into the bed as well, careful to leave at least an arm’s length of space between them.

“Night, Buck,” Steve murmured sleepily.

Bucky switched off the bedside lamp. “Night, Stevie.” Even with the space between them, Bucky could faintly feel heat radiating from Steve’s body. It would be a long night, of that he was certain as he listened to Steve’s slowing breaths and yet tried to think about anything but his best friend sighing softly in his sleep right next to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that it's been a while since I updated but I've been sick for the past week and uni and work are stressing me. Buuuuuut have some (fluffy?) feels as apology c: I hope you like it!!


	11. Chapter 11

The first thing Bucky saw when he opened his eyes was a mop of tousled blond hair right in front of his face, glowing golden in the early morning sunlight. A few strands tickled his nose as he breathed in. He blinked for a few seconds, confused and disoriented, until he remembered where he was. And more importantly, who the figure sleeping next to him was. In an instant, he was wide awake despite the early hour.

Steve was cuddled up against Bucky’s chest, curled in on himself, hugging the blankets with one arm. The blankets he had stolen, Bucky realised, leaving him to shiver in the crisp morning air. For a moment or two, he considered snatching them right back, but Steve looked so peaceful and content that Bucky didn’t have the heart to disturb him. And maybe, just maybe, it was alright to enjoy the proximity for a bit. Slowly as not to wake Steve, Bucky lifted his head to peek over his best friend’s shoulder at the alarm clock Steve had set up on his nightstand. It was just past seven; Steve probably wouldn’t be up for another hour anyway. This was how he always wanted to wake up, Bucky thought, and gave himself to the illusion for just a little longer.

He wasn’t really surprised that Steve had gravitated towards him in the course of the night. Steve had always snuggled close, especially when he’d still been a scrawny, sickly teen who had always been freezing, after realising Bucky didn’t mind. Apparently, it was still something Steve did subconsciously when he fell asleep next to Bucky even though it had been quite some time since they’d last shared a bed and Steve definitely didn’t need Bucky’s warmth to keep him from freezing anymore.

For a while, Bucky was content admiring Steve’s sleeping form and wondering if his lips were really as soft as they looked until he realised this kind of behaviour was probably kind of creepy. Carefully, he tugged on the blankets and tried to get comfortable again and if he scooted a little closer to Steve it was so he wouldn’t be so cold anymore. At least that was what he told himself as he closed his eyes and eventually drifted off again. He dreamt of blue eyes looking up into his own as soft lips pressed kisses to his skin.

When he woke up again around nine he was alone. Steve must have blanketed him before he’d left because the covers he’d hoarded earlier were neatly tucked around Bucky, leaving him warm and unwilling to leave the bed. Still he forced himself to get up, hop into the shower and get dressed to avoid some nosy family member coming in to scold him for sleeping the day away.

He showed up in the salon half an hour later, dressed in a black button down with rolled up sleeves and black jeans – if he couldn’t wear his usual band shirts he was at least going to wear all black. It was bad enough that he actually wore a button down but he didn’t want his Ma to be at the receiving end of rude comments because of the way he dressed. He wouldn’t be caught dead in anything but black, though, especially not for the sake of members of his extended family, half of which he didn’t even like.

A few people quickly glanced over at him as he entered before turning back to their conversations but Steve’s eyes stayed on him for longer, taking in his outfit and then looking up into his eyes with a small smile and a blush tinting his cheeks a soft pink when he realised Bucky had caught him looking. Bucky made his way over to the seating area and sat down on the sofa next to him, grabbing Steve’s mug of coffee and took a sip before Steve could protest. He pulled a face when he realised Steve had dumped about half a pound of sugar into his coffee and quickly handed the mug back.

“This is disgusting.”

Steve rolled his eyes and quipped, “Good morning to you, too, jerk. I would’ve gotten you some, too, but I didn’t know when you’d be up. You sleep well?”

“Mhm,” Bucky uttered and thought back to Steve snuggled up against him, “’cept for when you stole all the blankets and left my ass freezing in the cold.”

“I did not –” Steve started to protest but Bucky didn’t let him finish.

“Yes you did, and you know it. You’re a thief. And now I’m gonna get some coffee that won’t give me diabetes.”

He was just about to get up and head to the kitchen when his cousin Peter flopped down with a “Mornin’” next to him, his aunt May trailing after him and smiling at Bucky and Steve when she spotted them. Bucky had only seen the two shortly the night before since they had arrived late but Peter and Aunt May were two of the few people of his extended family Bucky actually enjoyed talking to so he stayed where he was and smiled back at May as she joined them on the huge couch.

With a glance towards Alexander and his wife who were currently terrorising Bucky’s poor mother Aunt May sighed. “Finally someone who’s normal. I thought he’d never stop talking about how terrible this world has become and how young people just do whatever they want. Can’t even imagine what he’d tell you two,” she added sympathetically and Peter snorted.

“That guy’s an ass. One more ‘back in the day we would never…’ and I would’ve poured my tea over his head.” Peter stared grimly at the old man, clutching his mug, and Bucky didn’t doubt him for a second. His cousin was well on the way to become the family’s new black sheep – a title Bucky had had for all through middle and high school and it hadn’t changed much when he had started dressing ‘appropriately’ for family gatherings since only shortly after he had outright told a homophobic family member where he could stick his opinion and come out to the entire family in the heat of the moment. Peter, even though brilliant, was a little weird and often way too blunt so he had to take a lot of criticism as well. Like Bucky, he didn’t care much but Alexander just had a way of riling people up.

“Anyway, how did you lovebirds sleep?” May changed the topic and smiled. “I heard your grandmother gave you two the honeymoon suite.”

Steve looked from her to Bucky with questioning eyes.

“It’s how we call it, Nana always puts couples in there, especially when we’re celebrating stuff like anniversaries,” Bucky explained with a shrug and then smiled at May. “We slept great, didn’t we, Stevie?” When Steve’s face turned pink again and he looked like a deer caught in the headlights Bucky was positive Steve had woken up still cuddled up against him. He only felt a little bad for Steve who was probably mostly embarrassed because of what Bucky’s family thought they might have done last night – it was still mostly his mess, after all.

“Yeah, uh, we did, I mean, it’s a beautiful room and the bed’s really, um, big and comfy…” Steve stammered and looked down into his mug.

Peter snorted again, this time in laughter, and smirked at Steve. Curious to see if Steve could possibly blush even more (and maybe just a tiny bit to embarrass him a little more because fuck it, Bucky was embarrassed, too, but they needed these people to think they were in love and crazy about each other) Bucky put a hand on Steve’s knee, gathered his courage and kissed Steve’s cheek. Then he whispered loud enough for Peter to hear, “Big and comfy, huh? Couldn’t think of anything else?” in his ear. And really, Steve’s face was bright red when Bucky drew back and winked at him.

Perhaps this wouldn’t be so bad after all, he thought.

Bucky had no idea just how wrong he was in that moment.

 

 

 

***

 

 

In this chapter, Bucky basically looks like this (only, y'know, a bit grumpier and less energetic 'cause it's still way too fucking early for his taste, not that that stops him from being a little shit)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked this chapter and a bit more fluff for now c:


	12. Chapter 12

By the look of things Steve wasn’t exactly thrilled about Bucky’s performance in front of Peter and Aunt May. All through brunch, he was unusually quiet and only occasionally answered a question directed at him. Mostly he stared down at his plate and ate his pancakes slowly, seemingly lost in thought. Becca who was sitting to Steve’s right nudged him in the ribs after asking twice if he could hand her the plate with bacon. Steve looked up at her with confusion as if he’d completely forgotten where he was.

“What’s up with you? Didn’t Bucky let you get any sleep last night?” she asked with a suggestive smirk and Steve’s ears promptly flushed pink once again.

He quickly handed her the plate before shifting his attention back to the pancakes, ears still burning. Winifred shot a questioning look at her children and Steve from the other side of the table.

“Leave him alone, Becks,” Bucky warned his sister, having noticed how absent-minded Steve was, too, and already regretted teasing him earlier. He put a hand on Steve’s arm and mumbled, “Just ignore her.”

Steve nodded quickly, grabbed his mug and took a few sips from his now cold coffee so he wouldn’t have to reply.

Biting his lip, Bucky watched him but Steve didn’t meet his eyes. Bucky leaned closer and wrapped his arm around Steve’s shoulders, almost expecting Steve to flinch away. “Hey, man, you okay?” he asked quietly.

With a shrug, Steve set the mug back down onto the table, then he nodded once more. “Yeah, sure. Just tired is all.”

Bucky immediately knew Steve was lying, he knew him better than anyone else and Steve was never tired at this hour. Plus Steve still was a terrible liar. Before he could say anything, though, he heard Alexander’s sharp voice from the end of the table.

“Can you believe that _some people_ have the audacity to behave like this as if nothing were wrong with it? And in front of children, no less?!” he remarked, clearly audible for everyone, glaring over at Bucky who still had his arm around Steve. Nana glowered but he ignored her. “It’s bad enough that they have to do indecent, unholy things behind closed doors that are quite frankly disgusting but doing this in public is just unbelievable. The bible says Adam and Eve,” he growled.

Someone murmured their approval whereas the rest of the family either seemed embarrassed, stared openly between Bucky and Alexander in hopes of some sort of confrontation, or looked, in unsurprisingly few cases, furious about Alexander’s comments.

As Steve clenched his teeth, clearly forcing himself to keep his opinion to himself, Bucky grumbled, “Good thing I did both of them, then,” under his breath and shot Alexander an angry look. Peter, two seats away from Bucky, burst out laughing, and Becca quickly hid her grin behind her cup of tea.

Steve pushed his chair back with a loud noise and stood, glaring daggers at Alexander and looking like he wanted to murder him. Alexander returned his look with self-righteous coolness. Bucky gaped up at Steve, waiting for him to explode, but for the first time since Bucky had met him, Steve kept his mouth shut even though Bucky knew all he really wanted to do was yell at Alexander for being a bigoted asshole.

For a few seconds that felt like hours, the entire room was quiet, then Steve grabbed the back of Bucky’s shirt and pulled him up. “We’re clearly not welcome here,” he ground through his teeth, took Bucky’s hand and started dragging him towards the hallway. They didn’t get far.

“Steve, James, please sit down.” The words were quiet but even Steve, still furious, didn’t dare to object and stopped, body tense and hand clutching Bucky’s hard. Grampa turned to look back at the table. “Alexander, you will not speak about my grandson or his fiancé disrespectfully again. In fact, if I hear anybody talk about them in this manner they will leave this house. The two are more than welcome,” he said firmly. “Now please, let’s go back to eating.”

It was Alexander’s turn to look like he wanted to kill somebody, preferably Steve or Bucky, but he bit his tongue. Bucky squeezed Steve’s hand softly and reluctantly Steve let himself be led back to their seats. In passing, he could hear his grandmother mumble something that sounded like “…shouldn’t have invited him”. Some of his aunts, uncles and even a few cousins didn’t seem pleased, though, and Bucky knew they shared Alexander’s opinion about “those homos” as they whispered with each other.

When they had sat down again, Becca told them to ignore Alexander and the other judgemental dicks and Peter started fretting over his comments but Bucky only paid attention to Steve who was clenching his jaw. Their fingers were still intertwined and Bucky caressed the back of Steve’s hand with his thumb to calm him down.

“How ‘bout we take a break from all of this later and steal away for a while?” he suggested quietly. “Really don’t wanna play football with the rest of those morons anyway.” Well, he’d love to tackle some of them, but other than that he hated the sport anyway and he had no doubt that a few of his relatives weren’t beyond playing dirty, especially when it came to the people they didn’t like, aka the homos. How he hated them.

With a simple nod Steve agreed and as soon as the first aunt got up from the table to look after her bored toddler they excused themselves and headed upstairs to their bedroom. Steve closed the door forcefully, obviously still mad. “No offense but that guy’s a fucking idiot.”

“None taken, trust me. He’s always been that way and he loves picking on Peter and me, especially since he found out I’m queer. The only reasons why I still come to these gatherings are ‘cause of Gramps and Nana and ‘cause I can’t leave Ma, Becca and Peter alone with these bigots,” Bucky growled as he leaned against the windowsill. “I’m sorry you had to hear this. And also about earlier.”

Steve seemed to completely have forgotten about that and just shook his head. “Don’t be. It’s not your fault.”

“I should put together a playlist and put it on before we go home on Monday, just for him.”

Raising a brow, Steve finally crossed the room to the dresser. “How would that help?” He opened a drawer and took his sketchbook, some pencils and an eraser out.

“Don’t tell me you wouldn’t enjoy his expression if we blasted Shut up and Let yourself go right into his face at full volume.”

Steve shrugged. “Don’t think he’d really care.”

With a snort, Bucky kneeled down next to the pile the floor that he’d left the previous night when he’d emptied his backpack carelessly and started looking for something. “When Billie Joe sings ‘Shut your mouth ‘cause you’re talking too much and I don’t give a fuck anyway’ I’m sure he’d be super pissed and I’d love to see his face go all red. Maybe he’d even get a heart attack.”

“You’re not gonna murder him with punk rock,” Steve said but finally a small smile played around his lips.

“We’ll see,” Bucky grinned and pulled a pack of cigarettes and a lighter from the pile.

Steve looked at him disapprovingly. “When’d you start smoking again?”

“They help me survives weekends like this, okay? C’mon, let’s go.”

No five minutes later they were at the lake, having managed to avoid running into any relatives. Bucky had snatched a picnic blanket from under the stairs and they got comfortable in the shadow of the trees surrounding the small lake, looking out onto the water. He took a cigarette from its pack and lighted it. When Steve glowered at him, Bucky got up and sat down on a tree stump a few feet away, making sure the wind blew the smoke into the opposite direction. Steve shifted and sat cross-legged on the blanket, his sketchbook balancing on one knee.

Looking over the lake and taking a drag from his cigarette now and then, Bucky let his mind wander as Steve started sketching some trees. They sat in comfortable silence for a while until Steve suddenly said, “We should make them uncomfortable for the rest of the weekend. They can’t just get away with that.”

“Huh?” Bucky eyed Steve. “What do you mean?”

“Alexander and the others. We should get all up in their faces with our ‘homosexual agenda’.”

Bucky couldn’t help it, he started laughing. “Did they really say that?”

“Yeah, I overheard someone this morning before you came downstairs. I didn’t bother telling them that neither of us is actually gay.” At that, Bucky’s grin faltered a little, but Steve didn’t notice. “So, what do you think?”

“Well, depends on what you wanna do I guess…” Bucky said cautiously, put out his cigarette and got up. This was probably a terrible idea. Steve seemed to have a lot of those these days.

Steve set his pencils aside and scooted over to give Bucky some space on the blanket. “Dunno, just… be all couply and stuff.”

“You mean like making out, grabbing each other’s asses and calling each other weird pet names?” Disbelief was written over Bucky’s face.

“Uh, well, no,” Steve mumbled. “Just act like… y’know, like when you’re drunk and get handsy. More touching than usual? And maybe kisses on the cheek? I mean, Alexander already freaked out just ‘cause you had your arm ‘round my shoulders.”

Bucky thought about it for a moment and bit his lip. Wasn’t that what they had planned to do anyway? They had barely seemed like a couple so far, only had held hands for a while and then the two innocent kisses this morning and yesterday afternoon. He could handle a little more touching. Probably.

“Alright, fine,” he gave in. “Maybe he’ll get a heart attack from _that_. It would serve him right. How ‘bout we stay here as long as we can get away with it and just show up for barbeque tonight and then give them a reason to complain?”

Steve grinned. “Sounds like a plan.” He picked up his pencil and started drawing again, the sketchbook turned away from Bucky who lay down and looked up to the blue sky.

While Steve sketched the woods around them, Bucky dozed a little. When the sun reached its peak and the shadows retreated, leaving them in the sunlight, Bucky almost regretted his outfit choice. He took off his shoes and socks and rolled up his jeans, then he walked over to the lake, sat down in the grass and stuck his feet into the cold water.

“You’re gonna get a cold,” Steve warned him.

“Am not.”

When it was time to head back up to the house again for dinner, Steve had filled three new pages of his sketchbook and Bucky could barely feel his toes anymore but he would never admit that. They could already hear voices and smell the barbecue from afar. Before they emerged from the trees, though, Bucky stopped Steve.

“Hold on. We’re gonna have to go past all of them.”

Steve seemed confused. “So?”

“So we should start making them uncomfortable right now, shouldn’t we?” Bucky grinned mischievously, reached up to ruffle Steve’s hair and pulled his shirt from his jeans. Then he ran his fingers through his dark hair to tousle it and undid the top two buttons of his own shirt. He smacked Steve’s hands away as he tried to smooth down a few blond strands. “Leave it, it looks convincing.”

“You think?” Steve bit his lip.

With a shrug, Bucky held out his hand. “It’ll do. Unless you want me to give you a hickey?”

Glaring at him, Steve growled, “Don’t you dare,” took Bucky’s hand and dragged him towards the house before Bucky could put the suggestion into action.

The hateful looks Alexander, Mary and a few others shot them made it clear that they did, in fact, look convincing. Becca just winked at them and Bucky saw his parents shake their heads but George grinned behind Winifred’s back. Without a word, they quickly headed inside so Steve could bring his sketchbook and pencils upstairs, forcing themselves to stay calm. Back in the room, Bucky immediately started chuckling. “Did you see his face?!”

Steve gave a lopsided grin. “Yeah. He looked like he’d throw up.” He set his things down on the dresser. “Just gotta use the bathroom, then we can go back and make their evening hell.”

“Hold on.” Bucky took out his phone, grabbed Steve’s arm and pulled him close to take a quick selfie. Steve looked slightly confused whereas Bucky was grinning brightly into the camera. “Nat’s gonna love this.”

While Steve went into the bathroom, Bucky sent Natasha the picture with the caption “Pissing off the relatives”. Then he pocketed his phone and noticed Steve’s sketchbook on the dresser. Out of curiosity, he opened it and browsed until he found the newest drawings. There was a sketch of Bucky with his feet in the water, a detailed drawing of some trees and birds flying through the air and a page before that a drawing of another familiar face. Bucky swallowed and quickly closed the book when he heard water rushing in the bathroom. Steve must have drawn the portrait recently, perhaps while they had been in the car the day before. In soft lines and with minimal shading, the drawing showed Peggy’s smiling face.

Quickly, Bucky smoothed down his hair again and forced himself to smile as Steve opened the bathroom door.

“Ready?” Steve asked and offered Bucky his arm.

“As I’ll ever be.” Bucky lied, linked his arm with Steve’s and they went back downstairs. They joined the rest of the family outside but stayed with Peter, Steve chatting with him while Bucky barely paid any attention, until Nana announced that dinner was ready. Barbeque with roughly forty people was pure chaos so Steve and Bucky hung back until most people were seated around the tables with food on the plates in front of them.

The nagging feeling in Bucky’s stomach after having found the drawing in Steve’s sketchbook only grew worse when he checked his phone and saw the texts Nat had sent in response to the photo.

_You still think this is a good idea, Barnes?_

_Be careful. Don’t want you to get hurt, you’re already in too deep_

_Even though I gotta admit you do look convincing. Piss off those homophobes_

“What’s Nat got to say?” Steve asked curiously and tried to look onto the screen.

Quickly, Bucky turned the phone off and replied, “She says we should ‘piss off those homophobes’,” he informed him.

“Damn right you should,” Aunt May muttered from behind them and Steve grinned.

“Wanna get some food now? I’m starving.”

Bucky nodded and wrapped an arm around Steve’s waist. Just as they passed the table Alexander and some of the conservative (or in Bucky’s opinion idiotic, narrow-minded and bigoted) relatives were sitting on, Steve slid his hand into the back pocket of Bucky’s jeans and Bucky almost yelped in surprise.

“What’re you doing?!” he hissed as he took a steak from the barbeque and handed Steve the plate.

“You suggested it,” Steve replied and, trying hard not to chuckle, added, “and they just looked like they were about to throw a fit but your grandma glared at them to shut them up.”

Bucky took a deep breath and prayed it wasn’t obvious how much Steve’s hand on his ass affected him. It felt like all of his blood had left his brain and he could barely think straight. He’s not into you, it means nothing, he likes Peggy, he kept repeating in his mind like a mantra.

It would be a long evening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, there's a lot of ways to deal with homophobic assholes. Steve chooses one of the more interesting ones, don't you think?


	13. Chapter 13

Around half past eight, Bucky had enough of his relatives’ glares and rude comments whenever he and Steve were in earshot and the memory of finding Peggy’s face in Steve’s sketchbook still weighed heavily. He left Steve chatting with Aunt May about an exhibition she had recently visited and went to get them a couple of drinks. As he was waiting for one of his cousins to make way, his mother came up next to him and pulled him into a hug. He smiled and leaned into her.

“How are you boys holding up?” Winifred asked.

He pecked her cheek and put on a smile. “Don’t worry, Steve swore he’d behave although I wouldn’t blame him if he punched someone this weekend and it’s not the first time I gotta deal with this. I just hope Gramps and Nana don’t get upset because of it.”

“I think grandma was close to punching Alexander, too,” Winnie chuckled but then she looked serious again. “You know not everything thinks about your relationship like he and some of the other idiots do, right? They’re old bigots who got stuck somewhere in the middle-ages and your grandparents, your father, Becca and I couldn’t be any happier. And May loves Steve, she was furious about Alexander’s behaviour as well.” 

Bucky swallowed and turned to the table with beverages, grabbing two bottles of beer so he wouldn’t have to look at her. He was all too aware that this relationship would never be real and right now he was so worn down he was sure Winifred would see everything in his eyes. And he couldn’t let that happen. “I know, Ma, but thanks for reminding me, I think I needed that,” he mumbled. “I’m just glad Brock didn’t show up, otherwise there probably would’ve been a real fight already.”

If there was one person who was even worse than his great uncle it was Brock, Alexander’s adoptive son. It still fazed Bucky that someone like Alexander had so much as considered adopting a child, let alone gone through with it, but he had done so about ten years ago. To this day, Becca was convinced Alexander had needed an heir to his secret evil empire, whatever that may be, but if that were the case (which it was not, he was sure) Bucky had to admit Brock seemed like the perfect choice. Bucky and Brock had never gotten along. Brock was a bully and growing up in Alexander’s household had just made him worse. Thankfully, he was busy this weekend. The last thing anyone needed was a fistfight – and since Steve had already punched Brock once at a family gathering a few years back because he’d made fun of Bucky and called him a fag a fight was almost sure to break out anytime Brock was around.

“Don’t remind me of that guy,” Winnie groaned and picked up a bottle of wine. “Anyway, you two just ignore those assholes and have a nice evening, okay? Maybe without sneaking off this time, though.” She smiled, patted his cheek and headed back to his father and Becca.

Bucky gaped after her, stunned that his mother had just used a curse word in front of him. She had to be really mad to do so. 

“You coming back to me or did you plan to just let me die of thirst?” Steve’s voice suddenly sounded right next to his ear, low and almost a purr, and his hands rested on Bucky’s hips a moment later. 

Biting his lip hard so he wouldn’t gasp or do something even more embarrassing, Bucky turned around, noticed the distant relative who had agreed with Alexander during brunch only a few yards away watching them with a frown, and forced himself to smile at Steve. “Was just about to go back to you. Where’d you leave May?” He handed him one of the beer bottles.

“One of your little cousins dragged her away to show her something so I came looking for you. C’mon, Peter got us seats near the fire.” Steve hooked his fingers into one of the belt loops of Bucky’s jeans and pulled him towards the bonfire his godfather and Gramps had lit while he was talking to Winifred. 

Now that Bucky thought about it, he hadn’t even talked to Phil yet, had barely greeted him because he’d always been busy helping out with one thing or the other. Looking around the patio and towards the woods that were dipped in the golden light of the setting sun he noticed that Phil was nowhere to be seen and realised he hadn’t even been at brunch this morning.

They arrived at the fire, slumped down next to Peter on one of the logs that surrounded the fireplace and Bucky asked his cousin if he had any idea where Phil had vanished to. Peter shook his head and replied Phil had been bustling about the whole day and only talked to him and May for a few minutes earlier before excusing himself again but nobody knew where he’d gone. Weird.

Bucky was glad that most spots near the fire were occupied by his younger cousins and a few mothers. The bigots had huddled up around one table and mostly left them alone, so he and Peter were soon deep in a conversation about Peter’s plans after graduating high school – he was considering studying engineering as well and asked Bucky all about his classes and projects. They barely noticed Steve leaving to get them more drinks and Bucky gratefully accepted some sort of cocktail when Steve got back and sat down right next to him, their thighs pressed together, and slung an arm around Bucky.

Some short trips to the house holding hands, a little cuddling near the fire, a few lovesick glances at Steve that weren’t entirely for show and several drinks later, the alcohol had numbed Bucky’s mind enough that he had forgotten all about Peggy. Becca had joined their little group and she and Peter were competing about which one of them had worse teachers by telling the most ridiculous stories. After drinking the last bit of a bright pink cocktail – Steve had insisted on it, he was really going all out to piss off the older family members (in his own weird way) because by god, how could a guy drink a ‘girly’, fruity, pink cocktail?! – Bucky got up to get refills, swaying slightly. The alcohol had affected him more than he’d thought.

“How ‘bout you get some water for a change?” Steve suggested and grabbed Bucky’s wrist so he wouldn’t fall. 

“Fine.” Bucky returned with two bottles of water and a few glasses shortly afterwards. He couldn’t say how exactly he ended up in Steve’s lap but somehow he must have stumbled, perhaps over his own feet, as he set everything on the ground and suddenly Steve’s arms were around his waist and he was pulled into Steve’s warm chest. Bucky could feel Steve’s thighs beneath his own, the heat from the fire on his back and Steve was close, so damn close, and if Bucky just leaned down a few inches… Steve’s eyes flickered over Bucky’s face and he smiled softly.

“Whoops…” Bucky mumbled and grinned sheepishly as Steve chuckled. Steve’s arms around him held on tight and it took every single bit of Bucky’s self-control not to close the gap between them and kiss Steve. The fire cast a golden glow onto Steve’s face and the tiny specks of green in his eyes were more visible than ever. Good thing Bucky was already sitting, otherwise he might just have lost his balance again. Steve looked absolutely stunning.

Next to them, Becca giggled and nudged Peter. Bucky bit his lip and shot a glance towards the rest of the family over Steve’s shoulder. Of course they had witnessed everything and glowered at him and Steve but right now, Bucky didn’t give a single fuck. He was content in Steve’s lap with an arm curled around Steve’s back and rested his head on Steve’s shoulder.

“You know you’re not exactly the lightest person?” Steve teased and squirmed under Bucky’s weight to get more comfortable. 

“You’re my big, strong Stevie, you can take it,” Bucky murmured sleepily and pushed his nose into Steve’s neck. He could feel Steve’s soft laughter more than he could hear it.

Steve rubbed a hand over Bucky’s back. “I think it’s time for us to head upstairs and go to bed,” he noted with a smile in his voice.

“Don’t wanna get up.”

“Well I’m not gonna carry your lazy ass inside.” 

Cuddling even more into Steve and tucking his head under Steve’s chin, Bucky yawned. “We could jus’ sleep out here.”

“We’re not gonna sleep out here. C’mon, Buck. It’s late and you’re drunk.”

“Nooo….” Bucky really didn’t want to get up but more importantly he didn’t want Steve to let go of him. Sitting in Steve’s lap snuggled against him, warm from Steve’s embrace, smelling fire smoke and Steve’s own unique scent was the best place in the entire world, his drunk brain had decided. “Five more minutes, Stevie?” he pleaded and pouted up at Steve who rolled his eyes.

“Alright, fine, but then we’ll head inside. You’re heavy and it’s getting cold.”

That reply was enough for Bucky. “You’re the best fiancé ever.”

He could hear Rebecca laugh and Peter suggested, “We should film this and put it on YouTube, you’re adorable.”

“They’re so cute it makes me sick,” Becca added with a grin.

Unfortunately she wasn’t the only one who felt sick when looking at Steve and Bucky, albeit the only one who thought so because she found them cute. Mary walked past them with Alexander in tow and even though Bucky couldn’t see his face he could hear the disgust in his voice. “Back in our day they would’ve locked them up,” he said to Mary.

“And when was that? 1933?” Becca hissed loud enough for Alexander to hear.

Bucky snorted and pressed his face into the crook of Steve’s neck to muffle the sound. Steve’s hands clenched into fists but once again he kept quiet as Bucky squeezed his arm and whispered, “He ain’t worth it.”

Alexander, however, seemed to seek confrontation. “Back when people still knew what’s right and what is wrong,” he snapped. “This is sick and disgusting.”

“You’re the one who obviously doesn’t know what’s wrong,” Peter growled and got up. “Why the hell do you care who Bucky’s in love with? It’s none of your goddamn business. Leave them alone.”

Grumbling something that Bucky didn’t catch, his great uncle actually did leave them alone for once and headed back to the tables on the patio where Gramps was looking at him warily. Bucky could feel the tension leave Steve’s body as he watched Alexander retreat over Steve’s shoulder. When Alexander looked back at them Bucky met his eyes and placed a few soft kisses on Steve’s neck, making sure Alexander could see everything.

Steve squirmed underneath Bucky and gently pulled back to eye Bucky with an odd expression. Bucky noticed the goosebumps on his skin.

“He was watchin’,” Bucky murmured, glad that the fire cast shadows on his cheeks and hid his blush but highlighted the one on Steve’s face. 

“Let’s go inside, ‘kay?” Steve said quietly. “I really don’t want to be anywhere around that guy anymore.”

Bucky nodded and got up, still a little unsteady, and Steve followed. They wished Peter and Becca a good night and Steve mumbled a “Thanks for sticking up for us,” then they walked (or rather, stumbled, in Bucky’s case) into the house and up the stairs to their bedroom.

Three times, Bucky almost tripped on the stairs “’cause they’re swayin’ too damn fast”. Steve held on to him, steered him to their room safely and lowered him onto the bed where Bucky lay down and closed his eyes, then Steve grabbed a glass and filled it under the tap. 

“Here, drink that.”

Bucky sat up, did as he was told and handed the glass back to Steve when he’d emptied it. Steve went to refill it and Bucky grumbled. Finally, Steve sat down next to him, his expression one Bucky knew too well. It was the same look he’d had right before he’d punched Brock, the same he’d had when he’d overheard some guys planning to follow a girl and then beat two of them up and countless other times.

“He’s probably jus’ jealous ‘cause I have you an’ you’re amazing and all he has is bitterness and bladder weakness. Even Ma called him an asshole,” Bucky informed him, grinned and reached out to squeeze Steve’s hand. 

Steve looked down at their hands and sighed. “He pisses me off so much, I just want him to shut up and never bother you again.”

“We’ll be gone ‘gain on Monday. An’ I’m proud of you for not punchin’ him. Not that he doesn’t deserve it, mind you…” Bucky rested his head on Steve’s shoulder again.

“I think it’s really time for you to get some sleep, Buck,” Steve said but a faint smile lit up his face. 

Since he had a point – Bucky was exhausted – Bucky didn’t argue. They changed into their sleepwear, brushed their teeth and climbed into bed a few minutes later. This time, Bucky was fast asleep in mere moments, barely having time to think about Steve lying right next to him, shifting under the covers. 

***

The next morning, Bucky startled awake as a heavy body almost smothered him, pressing him face first into the mattress. He grunted, still half asleep, and tried to escape the weight but an arm around his waist kept him from wriggling away. It took his sleep-addled brain a moment to catch up and remember that it had to be Steve who was spooning him while half of his body was practically draped over Bucky’s.

He could feel soft huffs of breath on his neck, the rise and fall of Steve’s chest against his back, Steve’s fingers curling in the fabric of Bucky’s shirt over his tummy, the heat of his body where he was cuddled up against him. Then Steve shifted in his sleep, snuggling even closer, and… oh. Oh god.

Bucky almost squawked and quickly bit his tongue to keep quiet. The last thing he wanted right now was to wake Steve up. He needed to get out of this bed immediately but not only was Steve almost squashing him, he practically had a death grip on Bucky and there was no way he could escape without Steve noticing. Yet there also was no way he could stay like this, with Steve’s crotch pressed up against his butt and no, he was not even going to think about this. Or freak out over it, for that matter. 

He needed a plan.

Behind him, Steve sighed softly in his sleep and buried his nose in the short hair at the base of Bucky’s neck. Then he sneezed. Bucky froze, praying Steve would just keep on sleeping and move away from him. Indeed Steve started moving, the hand in Bucky’s shirt twitched, and he huffed out a breath but when he suddenly halted Bucky was positive Steve had just woken up. It took all of his self-control not to curse out loud. Clenching his teeth, Bucky calmed his breathing, hoping the erratic beating of his heart wouldn’t betray him, and pretended to be asleep.

Steve stayed stock still for several seconds before whispering a quiet “Fuck…,” letting go of Bucky and carefully withdrawing. Bucky could hear him rummaging through drawers a moment later, hastily putting on clothes and then sneaking towards the door and out of the room, leaving Bucky alone in the bed that was way too big for just one person. As Steve’s footsteps receded down the hallway, Bucky breathed out a slow sigh of relief. His face was burning and he hoped to god that Steve actually thought he had still been sleeping. 

It was nothing, he reminded himself again and again, Steve was just a cuddly sleeper and this didn’t mean anything. Aces got boners in the morning, too, right? It didn’t change anything. Steve wasn’t into him, would never be. Bucky had stopped counting how many times he had already told himself these exact same things in the past two days but his stupid heart still didn’t stop racing.

After grabbing his mobile and headphones and putting on some music to distract himself, he stayed in bed for a while. Steve probably wouldn’t expect him to wake up for another hour so he spent some time trying to think about anything but what had just happened and concentrating on the music. Unfortunately, his (stupid and unhelpful) brain soon decided to play back the memory of Steve kissing his hand. Only Steve could do something this sappy and make Bucky’s heart flutter. Then his mind wandered to Steve’s hand on his ass and holding on to his own, his arms around Bucky’s waist pulling him close, himself kissing Steve’s cheek and his neck… He groaned quietly.

Eventually he couldn’t stand being alone with his thoughts anymore. Even the most annoying and bigoted members of his family would be better than having to overthink every little thing that had happened in the past few days so he got up and grabbed some clean clothes. Worrying about which offensive comments he would have to endure today almost seemed tempting at the moment. He would just take a quick, cold shower before going downstairs to join the rest of the family. And he was not going to jerk off to the memory of his best friend cuddled up against him while fast asleep. Absolutely not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter kinda got out of hand and turned out way longer than expected but since I probably won't be able to update again this week that's fine I guess :) Enjoy more cuddles and awkwardness!  
> As a side note, I'm not entirely sure how asexual males' libido works because to my knowledge there are only studies on ace women so far but since libido and sexual attraction aren't the same thing I suppose it's not much different to non-ace guys. If I'm mistaken, though, just let me know :)


	14. Chapter 14

The cold shower barely helped; Bucky’s overactive imagination got a hold of him and only made matters worse. He could almost feel Steve’s body still pressed against his own and in combination with the memories of sitting in Steve’s lap last night and the touches over the entire weekend it was impossible not to think about what might have happened if he’d just given in. It had been so hard not to grab Steve and kiss him the previous night, turn around and grind into him in bed earlier or even just snuggle into his arms and bury his face in the crook of Steve’s neck and get lost in his scent. Bucky vainly tried to force himself to think about anything else but the only thing that was on his mind was his best friend. The cold spray of the shower didn’t have the desired effect on his mind or body.

Bucky sighed and leaned his forehead against the cool tiles, slowly running his hands over his skin. Just one and a half more days and they could stop this play-pretend until they visited Sarah again. One and a half more days of torture.

Time seemed to pass by way too slowly and too fast at the same time. Bucky just wanted this gathering to finally end, wanted to go home, hide in bed and forget about this stupid weekend, this stupid idea and his stupid best friend, but he also wanted to be able to hold Steve’s hand a little longer, wanted to see Steve glancing at him with a soft smile and a sparkle in his eyes (which he was imagining, he was so _fucking_ ridiculous) a few more times. This dumb fake relationship would be his downfall because he knew it was a terrible idea to hope that Steve somehow would simply realise he was in love with Bucky, too – that wouldn’t happen. Nonetheless, the tiny, dangerous bit of hope just wouldn’t vanish.

A soft knock on the bathroom door, barely audible over the rush of the water, pulled him from his train of thought. “Yeah?” he called out and switched off the water.

“Do you need much longer?” Steve’s voice was muffled through the door and Bucky was glad Steve couldn’t see him as his face turned a bright shade of red.

Silently cursing himself, Bucky cleared his throat, praying he sounded normal as he answered, “Give me two minutes.” He would just have to hope his (not so) small, Steve-induced problem would disappear; there was not time to take care of it now, and he could never do that with Steve just outside the bathroom. Quickly, he turned the water back on and rinsed the shampoo out of his hair before stepping out of the shower and drying himself off. He got dressed, grabbed the hairdryer and rubbed a towel through his hair as he opened the bathroom door. He found Steve sitting on the edge of the bed in shorts and a tee, looking flushed and sweaty. Fuck, this guy was killing him, Bucky thought as he pulled his wandering mind away from dangerous depths yet again.

“You can’t even stop working out when we’re away?” he teased to get the strange look off of Steve’s face, trying for nonchalance and praying Steve wouldn’t notice the bulge in his pants while he shuffled to the window where his phone was and set down the hairdryer on the windowsill.

Shrugging one shoulder, Steve got up. “Gotta take the opportunity to jog through the forest when we’re here. It’s so much nicer than the park or the streets back home. Although I would’ve been able to live without running into one of your asshole cousins… Gotta take a nice, long shower, maybe that’ll keep me from wanting to punch him.” With a bitter look he took a bunch of clean clothes headed into the bathroom. That explained a lot.

As soon as the door had closed behind Steve, Bucky slid down the wall, plugged in his headphones and the hairdryer and closed his eyes as the music started playing and the warm air blew around his face. He combed his fingers through his hair, tugging at entangled strands. Tomorrow night he’d be back home, he reminded himself, but the thought of sleeping alone again wasn’t something he was looking forward to, either.

A new song started and suddenly he was all too aware of the soft guitar chords. He hadn’t heard this melody in forever but the words were still familiar and Bucky chewed on his bottom lip as a female voice started singing, 

_You don't want me, no_

_You don't need me_

_Like I want you, oh_

_Like I need you_

_And I want you in my life_

_And I need you in my life_

_You can't see me, no_

_Like I see you_

_I can't have you, no_

_Like you have me_

Abruptly he stopped the music and stared at his phone with a lump in his throat. The world was fucking cruel and apparently fate had a more than twisted sense of humour – there was no way this was a coincidence and no, he was _not_ dramatic. He hated this – this song, this situation, this fucking disaster his life had become.

He needed to talk to someone. Pulling the hairdryer from the socket and making sure the shower was still running, Bucky tapped his phone screen a few times and dialled.

The phone rang once, twice, three times, then it was picked up and Bucky immediately started rambling in a hushed voice. “Nat, I can’t do this. Help me. I know I’m an idiot and you told me so but I don’t know what I’m doing and I don’t think I’ll survive this. Tell me what to do, please, just… I need your advice.”

“Whoa, there, Barnes, chill out,” a male voice chuckled and Bucky’s heart started pounding in his throat.

“…Clint?”

“Yeah, dude. So ‘s not going too well with Steve, huh?” There was a palpable grin in Clint’s voice.

Bucky cursed himself for just starting to talk but he couldn’t think of any way to get out of this. He desperately tried to figure out what to say but all that came out was, “Wha–? How? Did Natasha…? Where is she?”

“Sure, she tells me everything,” Clint said, “even about your crush on your bestie – once she told me it was obvious to see, though. She’s at the store, left her phone here so we thought it might be important and we’d better pick it up.”

“We?” Bucky echoed wearily. Please don’t be with Tony, please don’t be with Tony, please, he prayed. If Tony knew about this there was no doubt Steve would find out before the day was over. But for once the luck was on his side.

“Hey, Bucky,” he could hear Sam’s voice in the background. “How are things with your best friend slash fiancé?”

Hiding his face in one hand, Bucky groaned, “You, too?”

“Please, it’s not like you stop making sheep’s eyes at Steve just ‘cause we’re around,” Sam quipped and Clint snickered.

“I’m hanging up. Tell Nat to call me when she’s back.”

“No, hey! We can help, or, y’know, at least listen,” Clint was quick to say and Sam agreed.

“We’re not gonna make fun of you, c’mon, Bucky. You can talk to us.”

“Totally. You know I’m a relationship expert.”

Bucky snorted. “Right, how could I forget, Clint…”

“Seriously! Nat hated me at first but she still fell in love with me eventually!”

“Steve doesn’t hate me, and Natasha never hated you, either. She’s like that to everyone she doesn’t know well and you drunkenly asked her out eight times in one single night. Maybe she was a bit annoyed but you’re overdramatic.”

“Eh, details. Plus I’m probably the only guy who’s ever asked her out that many times. I’m persistent. Sooo, what has been going on between you and Steve? Have you kissed him yet?”

“No!” Bucky replied vigorously, then quickly lowered his voice again, afraid Steve might hear him. “Why the hell would I do that?!”

He could practically see Clint rolling his eyes and Sam shaking his head. “You’re pretending to be engaged, dumbass. You really think your family’s gonna buy it if they never see you kiss? _Sooo?_ ”

“We held hands, touched a lot, he kissed the back of my hand and I kissed his cheek,” Bucky mumbled, preparing for his friends’ mocking comments.

Sam surprised him when he said, “Hey, that’s cute and there are lots of couples that don’t constantly have their tongues down each other’s throat – ow!” Clint had probably just nudged his elbow between Sam’s ribs and there seemed to be a short scuffle until Sam hissed, “Stop it! Give me that. I’m serious, Bucky, that’s fine as long as you’re okay with it. Speaking of, how was it?”

At the memories Bucky blushed. They still made his heart flutter but he didn’t want to admit that. “It was nothin’, man, I mean, ‘s just holding hands and totally harmless kisses that didn’t mean anything.”

Sam sighed. “When you’re done telling yourself that I’ll be happy to listen.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Clearly it didn’t mean nothing to you,” he answered, and Bucky could hear Clint yelling, “Yeah, you sound like a twelve year old kid with their first crush!” in the background.

“Not helping,” Bucky grumbled. For a few moments the line was silent, then he admitted, “I guess it was nice… I mean, it’s also kinda weird ‘cause it’s _Steve_ and I’ve known him forever and I know all of you always make fun of how close we are but this is nothing like how we usually act around each other and touch and stuff.”

“You wanna know how it’d feel to actually kiss him, though? You’ve at least thought about it, haven’t you?” Clint’s voice was now close to the phone again and for once he sounded serious.

Bucky started chewing his lip again. He had barely been this honest with Natasha but Sam and Clint were his friends, too, and he knew he could trust them. Still it was hard to say it out loud. “Yeah, sure, but he… he doesn’t feel that way and it would mean nothing to him and that would probably make everything even worse.”

“Alright, buddy, let me be honest with you: nobody can tell you if it’s gonna be worth it – it might hurt like hell, it might be the best thing ever or maybe it’s just okay and you realise it’s nothing like you’ve always dreamed about – no, shut up and lemme finish,” Clint said when Bucky attempted to protest, “so now you got two options. Well, three, technically. You either take the chance, kiss him, find out what it’s like and see how he reacts or you keep on wondering what might have happened for the rest of your life. Both options kinda suck but I s’pose it’s still less scary than outright asking him if there’s a chance he likes you, too.”

“Not exactly how I would’ve phrased it but he’s right,” Sam agreed. “We can’t tell you what to do, it’s your decision.”

With a sigh, Bucky dropped his head back against the wall behind him. “He doesn’t like me that way. He’s not into guys, I know that. And I can’t just go ahead and kiss him. What if it ruins everything?”

When Sam started speaking again he was using his my-friends-are-paranoid-idiots-who-worry-way-too-much voice and patiently said, “If he isn’t into you he’ll think you did it to keep up the pretence. You know Steve better than anyone and you don’t really think he’d be mad, do you?”

“No, but –”

“Nuh-uh. I don’t wanna hear a but. You gotta figure out if you wanna go through with this or not but don’t think he’d be an ass about it if you did it, that’s just not like Steve.”

“True, he’d probably just look like a confused puppy and…”

Bucky didn’t catch the rest of Clint’s sentence when he saw the bathroom door opening. Fuck, he hadn’t even noticed that Steve had turned off the shower! Instantly all the blood drained from his face. If Steve had overheard anything…

“Yeah, sure, I’ll tell Nana and Gramps you said hi, and Steve, too,” he said into the phone and forced himself to smile at Steve as he walked into the bedroom. “See ya.” He quickly ended the call, his fingers still clenched around his phone, and mumbled, “Sam says hi.”

Steve nodded and crossed the room to put his dirty laundry away. “What’s he up to?”

“Oh, just hanging out with Nat and Clint,” Bucky replied casually but he didn’t miss the scrutinizing look Steve gave him from the corner of his eye. Shit shit shit, he was so goddamn fucked. “How’d you sleep?” he promptly changed the topic. Offence was the best defence, he decided, and indeed it was now Steve’s turn to suddenly pale.

“I, uh, I slept well, just woke up… early,” he mumbled. “We should probably go downstairs, breakfast should be ready soon.” He reached out a hand to pull Bucky up and Bucky wasn’t sure if he was just imagining that it was shaking slightly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song that's quoted here is You by The Pretty Reckless :) And then we have Sam and Clint being good bros, awkwardness and our boys continuing to be oblivious idiots... well, I tried. And I'm sorry I suck at relationship advice/talk, Jesus, that shit is hard, but I hope you like it anyway ^_^


	15. Chapter 15

The mood between them stayed somewhat awkward and Bucky started worrying somebody might notice. At least he and Steve somehow managed to survive most of the day without being bothered by Alexander and the other bigoted family members until late in the afternoon. About half of the gathered family had decided to take a walk and the ones who had stayed behind were mostly older family members and a few with small children. Winifred, George, Rebecca and Bucky’s grandparents had all joined the party and left Steve and Bucky playing with a few toddlers on the ground near the patio door.

When one of the children complained that she was thirsty and two others immediately joined into the yammering they used the opportunity to take a short break from tiny, grabby hands and small feet that constantly climbed over them. Bucky helped Steve up and they had made it halfway to the kitchen when one of Bucky’s second cousins who belonged to the people that had bowed and scraped around Alexander for the past days suddenly planted himself in front of them, looking at them condescendingly. It seemed like now that neither Bucky’s parents nor grandparents were around he finally had the guts to give him a piece of his mind and he didn’t waste any time doing so.

“How’s it feel to be the disgrace of the family, James?” he asked bluntly, arms crossed over his chest and trying to look intimidating even though he was several inches smaller than both Steve and Bucky. “I can’t even tell you how much you disgust me – you’re sick and what you do is an abomination. Couldn’t manage to keep a girl so you thought you’d just stick it into your best friend, eh? Does he know that you just use him? ‘s not surprising that James can’t find a girl but surely you could do better,” he added, now addressing Steve as if he’d only just realised he was standing right next to Bucky.

Steve’s jaw was clenched and the arm around Bucky’s waist held on too tight, fingers digging into his side. Bucky noticed that Alexander and a few other family members were watching the scene blatantly. His own hands were balled into fists but he bit his tongue. He wouldn’t give them the satisfaction to stoop to their level and apparently Steve was thinking the same thing. Without a single word he turned away and was about to pull Bucky with him when Bucky’s relative started speaking again.

“Is how he’s fucking you at least worth goin’ to hell?”

Bucky opened his mouth to tell him to fuck off or curse him otherwise but Steve was faster. He stopped dead and stared at the guy leering at them, stood up straight and Bucky was sure he’d never seen Steve’s eyes look that cold and determined. “No, it’s not,” Steve said calmly and loud enough for Alexander and the others to hear as well. “In fact, we don’t have sex at all because I’m asexual which technically is none of your goddamn fucking business but I’m sick of you people thinking you have any say in our relationship. Believe it or not, relationships aren’t purely physical and Bucky doesn’t use me. Buck and I mean the world to each other and you can shove your petty, narrow-minded, bigoted opinion right up your –”

Quickly, Bucky clasped his hand over Steve’s mouth before he could tell his cousin where exactly he could stick his opinion while a bunch of his younger cousins were gaping up at them.

“C’mon, Stevie,” he said quietly and, glaring daggers at his relative who looked like he was dangerously close to punching Steve, dragged him towards the kitchen. He ignored the snide comment Alexander made and the reproachful looks of a few parents because Steve had cursed in front of their children.

Once in the kitchen, Steve leaned against the counter, taking deep breaths as his hands clenched around the edge of the counter. Bucky joined him and gently rubbed a hand over Steve’s back, right between his tense shoulders.

“Wow, that was…” ‘so hot’, his mind supplied immediately and Bucky would eternally be grateful that his brain to mouth filter was working for once and he didn’t say it out loud. “…kind of unexpected,” he eventually finished. It was true – Steve usually didn’t hesitate to voice his opinion and tell people exactly what he thought of them in this kind of situation but never before had he talked to one of Bucky’s relatives like that, especially not when children could overhear everything.

“Why do they have the fucking audacity to think they have any right to tell us how we should live and who we can and cannot love?!” Steve growled and his knuckles were white from clutching the counter.

Bucky shrugged helplessly. He honestly didn’t know what to say other than that his relatives were assholes but Steve knew that already. “I’m not gonna hold you back if you wanna punch him,” he said and nudged Steve gently, trying to cheer him up. Steve didn’t react.

Knowing that his best friend needed a little to calm down, Bucky fell silent and dwelled on his own thoughts. Steve had just said Bucky meant the world to him and Bucky was almost a hundred percent sure that it hadn’t been something he had just said in the heat of the moment or as part of their charade.

He hated how these words had made him feel warm inside and that they had sent a flock of butterflies fluttering through his stomach. Yes, they meant the world to each other, but it meant something different to Steve than it did to Bucky, and somehow, suddenly, Bucky knew the answer to Clint’s question. Of course he wanted to know what it would be like to kiss Steve but he knew it would hurt, hurt so damn much because Steve didn’t feel the same way and his heart was already aching enough as it was. Finding out how Steve’s lips would feel against his own was not worth the pain, he decided and heaved a soft sigh.

“Wanna go upstairs till we gotta get ready for dinner?” Steve suggested, probably taking Bucky’s sigh for impatience or annoyance and Bucky didn’t correct him.

“Yeah, please. If I gotta see their stupid faces for the next hour or so I can’t guarantee nothing will happen to them…”

Without even thinking about it, Steve took Bucky’s hand to lead him to the hallway and upstairs. For a second, Bucky was baffled but damn him if he was going to complain and so he followed Steve to their guest room.

They listened to music and dozed a little, only talking occasionally and avoiding to speak about the argument. Sometime later they heard the rest of the family coming back from their walk and around seven Becca knocked and peeked into the room to inform them they were supposed to get changed. Bucky grumbled something about stupid formal wear but got off the bed, pulled off his shirt to exchange it for his dress shirt (black, obviously) and put on his dress pants. Steve followed suit a minute later and Bucky quickly disappeared into the bathroom, pretending to make sure his hair wasn’t a mess but actually fleeing so he wouldn’t gape at Steve as he got undressed – not that he didn’t enjoy how beautiful Steve was, especially shirtless, but the entire situation was still awkward enough without Steve catching him staring.

When he came back into the bedroom, Steve had just slipped into his shoes. Bucky reached for his tie and fumbled with it for a bit, nervous because he could feel Steve’s eyes on himself.

Chuckling softly, he came over and gently pushed Bucky’s hands away. “Here, let me. We both know you’re hopeless when it comes to these.” He reached for the tie and Bucky gave him an appreciative, quick once over while Steve was busy. He definitely could get used to seeing him in a suit.

Steve tied the tie, made sure it sat just right and smiled at Bucky. It was a sight Bucky would store away in his memory. “All done,” Steve said and patted Bucky’s chest.

“Thanks.” Bucky smiled, too, then he took a step back and shrugged into his suit jacket. Steve’s eyes were still on him and all of a sudden he felt incredibly self-conscious. “What?!”

“Nothing. I mean, ‘s just unusual to see you all dressed up like this.”

Bucky pulled a face and grumbled, “You, too, but I’m not staring at you. Do I look that terrible?”

Immediately Steve’s eyes widened and he averted his eyes. “That’s not what I meant,” he murmured, then, “You look nice.”

Bucky’s cheeks flushed. “You look nice, too… We, um, we should probably go.”

The salon was already full with family members in suits and dresses, occupying most of the seats around the table. As soon as Becca spotted Steve and Bucky she hurried towards them and told them to hold it right there so she could take a photo of them.

“Look, it’s so cute! You two look so hot! I have to send that to Nat!” While Rebecca was busy texting Natasha, Bucky glanced around the room and noticed that Alexander, his second cousin and a few others were eyeing them maliciously but he decided it was better to pay no attention to them. Tonight was his grandparents’ special night and he didn’t want to cause any trouble. Instead he smiled at his father on the other side of the room who gave a small wave.

Dinner was amazing and he already felt full after the first two courses so he was glad when his grandpa got up to give a speech between courses.

Gramps took Nana’s hand on his own and looked into her eyes as he started speaking. “When I was young I never believed in love at first sight, and I still don’t think there is such a thing. It wasn’t love at first sight for us. When I first laid eyes on you, almost fifty-eight years ago now, I thought you were the strangest little thing. You were rebellious and never took no for an answer and to be quite honest it intimidated me because I had never met a girl like you. I still wanted to get to know you, though, and thank God I did. We became friends and most of you who are gathered here today can probably not even begin to understand how shocked I was when you just outright asked me on a date one day. I was so dumbfounded that I said no the first time – and guess what she did?” he asked, still not taking his eyes off his wife. A few people chuckled and he continued, “She just grinned, shrugged and said maybe I’d say yes next time. And I did. We’ve been friends for most of our lives but getting married to you was the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and even after all these years you’re still my best friend and I am the luckiest man alive to be married to the love of my life.”

As he raised grandma’s hand to his lips and softly kissed her knuckles everyone clapped and cheered. Bucky caught his mother wiping the corner of her eye and Becca smirking at him and he smiled back, hoping she didn’t notice that it was a bit tight. What his grandparents had, this bond for life, was something he would never get. Not with the one person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. Not like this.

“I would also like to take the opportunity to address something else,” Grampa made himself heard once more. “As you know, my dear James recently got engaged to this lovely young man right next to him. It wasn’t love at first sight for them, either, I suppose, but the best relationships start as strong friendships and we are looking forward to welcoming Steve into this family.” Becca cheered and Peter gave them a thumbs up.

Nana nodded with a bright smile and said, “This is why we want to ask you if you would like to get married here. It would make us incredibly happy to see you two tie the knot here, in this house, just like we did.”

Bucky gaped at his grandparents, unable to say anything, and when he finally managed to look at Steve he seemed just as bewildered. Clearing his throat, Bucky was all too aware that all eyes were on them and he feverishly thought about something to say. “Uh, that, um… That’s so… amazing of you, really, but… I mean…” he stammered and hoped Steve would jump in. He didn’t. “It’s just… we don’t even know when we’re getting married, I mean, we’re both so busy with school and stuff and just…” Bucky tried again but eventually trailed off.

“The offer still stands, darling, no matter when you decide to get married,” Nana smiled, “and we would love to help you with everything.”

“That’s incredibly nice of you,” Steve finally managed and smiled sheepishly. “We, um, we really appreciate it.”

Bucky wanted the ground to open up and swallow him but sadly that didn’t happen. He could barely think straight. The next two speeches – one by his dad and one by an aunt – passed by but Bucky barely caught anything, just clapped mechanically at the right times. Breaking off their ‘engagement’ eventually would not only break Sarah’s heart, it would also break his grandparents’ hearts. He couldn’t even enjoy the dessert that followed – mousse au chocolat and raspberry sorbet – and when the first people finally left the table to move on to the seating area to chat and sip on champagne flutes he took Steve’s hand and pulled him into a quiet corner.

“We are going to have the longest engagement in the entire world,” he hissed as soon as he’d made sure nobody was listening to them. “I don’t care what stories we gotta come up with but I’m not gonna disappoint my grandparents.”

Steve nodded numbly and stared at his shoes. “This is gonna be even harder than I thought. Everything just seems to get more complicated,” he mumbled.

“Yeah, no shit.”

They stood in silence for a while, staring out the floor-to-ceiling windows over the patio to the woods, both lost in their own thoughts. With a sigh, Steve ran a hand through his hair and turned to look around the room, stopping mid-motion. “They just can’t stop it,” he growled and nodded towards Alexander who was watching them like a hawk and slowly made his way towards them.

Alexander, it appeared, had sipped more than enough champagne – that or he had decided that starting trouble on the last night of the weekend would make things more interesting and amusing for him and his cronies. Either way he stopped only a few feet away from them with a nasty look in his eyes. “Suddenly you don’t seem like the happy couple you pretend to be anymore, huh? What’s wrong, James? Finally realised that faggots like you don’t get a happy ending even if stupid, naïve people like your grandparents think it’s fine to live in sin?”

Steve didn’t give Bucky the chance to reply, knowing that Alexander had gone too far. He grabbed Bucky’s arm and hauled him away from his great uncle in record time. “Dance with me,” he ground out between his teeth as he dragged him towards the free space where only two other couples were slow dancing to a quiet waltz.

“I’m gonna kill him,” Bucky growled as Steve took one of his hands in his own and rested the other on Bucky’s shoulder. “That fucker is just so…” He didn’t finish for lack of adequate words to describe his hatred and instead just clenched his teeth hard. Unfortunately, having gotten away from Alexander did not equal getting away from every single bigoted family member.

“Can you believe that they’re actually supposed to be a couple? Did you see how they looked at each other right after dinner and how they acted the whole day?” Bucky heard a hiss as they danced too close to a cousin and her boyfriend.

“I know. The others are right, they probably just fuck ‘cause they can’t pick up any chicks but don’t want their parents to know it’s nothing but sex.”

Steve had obviously heard the hushed voices too. His fingers dug into Bucky’s shoulders and he tried to steer him away but Bucky stopped abruptly. He’d show them it was not about sex. He would show everyone how he felt about Steve, even though Steve didn’t know it was real, even though Steve didn’t feel the same way. Before he knew what he was doing his fingers took a hold of Steve’s tie. He wrapped it around his hand once and pulled on it while leaning in at the same time, ignoring Steve’s low, surprised yelp. For a split second he felt Steve’s breath on his cheek, then his mouth found Steve’s and he pressed their lips together.

Finally, after years of imagining and pining, he was kissing Steve. His heart was about to jump right out of his chest and he stopped breathing as he closed his eyes, concentrating on the wonderful, firm press of Steve’s soft lips against his own and praying that this moment would never end.

Only two thoughts were crossing his mind.

He was kissing Steve, in the middle of the small dance floor, for everyone to see.

And he had been wrong. The feeling of Steve’s lips on his own definitely was worth the pain that was bound to follow.

 

 

***

 

 

For visual reference (except they're a bit younger and Steve isn't wearing jeans)

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, this was kind of an emotional rollercoaster I guess - but whooooooooo, Bucky did it!!! (Well, for now, eh)


	16. Chapter 16

For a few seconds, the world seemed to stand still. The only things that mattered were the warmth radiating from Steve’s body and their lips pressed together almost chastely. A warm hand came to rest on his hip and Bucky expected Steve to finally kiss him back. His heart beat even faster but then Steve gently pushed Bucky a few inches away and drew back. His face was bright red and he seemed befuddled. Even the insecure half-smile on his face didn’t make matters much better, Bucky realised, as it didn’t reach his eyes. He instantly let go of Steve’s tie and his heart sank. 

He had fucked up. Fucked up badly, and he didn’t know if he could fix it. What the hell had he been thinking?! He had let his relatives provoke him and done the unforgivable. Steve had never agreed to this and now he would know. He would know because Bucky had just poured his soul into this kiss and why the fuck had he been so goddamn stupid?!

Steve pulled his hands away, cleared his throat and mumbled, “I need some fresh air. You… wanna come with?”

“Yeah, um, no, I’m just… gonna get us some drinks first, ‘kay?”

With a short nod Steve let go of Bucky and headed straight for the door, leaving Bucky standing alone on the small dance floor. When someone patted his shoulder from behind he flinched and whirled around. In front of him was his godfather, a worried but sympathetic look on his face. “Everything alright, James?”

Hoping to appear normal and failing utterly, Bucky replied in a voice he barely recognised as his own. “Yeah, sure. Steve’s just upset ‘cause of these idiots and needs some space…” It sounded lame, even to his own ears, and he doubted that Phil bought it for a single second.

“Walk with me, would you?” Phil said. “We haven’t even had the chance to talk yet.”

Even though he was right, Bucky only followed him reluctantly into a smaller, empty sitting room. He felt like hiding in bed and wallowing in self-pity, not like talking to anybody. Not even Phil. Or rather, especially not Phil. His godfather was one of the few people who had always been able to look right through him and though they hadn’t seen each other much in the past few years that hadn’t changed. He had also been the first person to figure out how Bucky felt for Steve and Bucky probably wouldn’t be able to fool him.

Phil closed the door and sat down on the armrest of a sofa. “Please, sit down. So. You and Steve.” The words weighed heavily in the air. Phil’s tone was neutral and yet Bucky couldn’t help but suspect he knew something wasn’t right. 

“I’d rather keep standing,” Bucky mumbled and buried his hands in the pockets of his pants. 

“Alright, then. Now, tell me, how did it start? How did you two get together? You know you could have told me, given me a call or at least sent an e-mail.” 

“’m sorry,” Bucky murmured and looked down at his feet. Then he began to retell the story he and Steve had come up with. Phil listened and didn’t interrupt Bucky a single time.

When he had finished, Phil patted the seat next to himself and said calmly, “Come on, Bucky, sit. And then I want to know the truth. That’s not what happened and I have a feeling that your relationship is not as perfect as you want everyone to believe.”

Hesitantly, Bucky walked over to the sofa and slumped down, still not taking his eyes off his shoes. “How’d you figure it out?” he whispered. He was tired of lying, tired of pretending to have something that would never be real, and Phil was the only person who might understand. His friends were supportive, too, sure, but Phil was so empathetic and concerned for his wellbeing and he had always been there for Bucky when no one else had understood him.

“I saw the way he looked at you after you kissed him. That wasn’t someone who has been kissed by you hundreds of times, that was someone who was surprised about a first kiss and didn’t know how to react. But I already suspected something might not quite be the way you’re telling everyone. I might not have been around much over the past few days, and I’m sorry about that because otherwise I would have come to talk to you way sooner, but I saw the way you looked when you thought nobody was watching you. You didn’t seem… happy.”

For several heartbeats, Bucky was quiet and wrung his hands in his lap, then he slowly started telling Phil everything. The whole crazy, messed up story from how Steve had proposed as a joke all the way to his cousin’s comment that had made him snap and kiss Steve. Phil only asked a question or two and when Bucky had finished speaking they sat in silence for a while, Bucky staring at his hands miserably and Phil thinking about what he had just heard.

“Your feelings for Steve haven’t changed since the last time I saw you, have they?” Phil eventually broke the quiet.

Bucky shook his head, then he met his godfather’s eyes for the first time since his confession. “It’s getting worse, y’know,” he admitted softly. “I know Steve’s just playing pretend and it’s all just in my head but… sometimes it doesn’t feel that way. I mean, sometimes I have to remind myself that it’s not real ‘cause I want it so badly. And now I’ve fucked everything up.”

“Why would you think that?”

“Did you see his face?!”

“He was confused and surprised but he didn’t look angry. James, if I know one thing it’s that even if he were angry with you because of that kiss you two would figure it out. You’ve never fought for long, you can barely stay mad at each other for more than an hour. It’s gonna be fine.”

Bucky wasn’t so sure about that. Pulling his knees up to his chest, he curled in on himself and whispered, “What if he knows?” The thought terrified him.

“No offence but Steve seems quite clueless when it comes to romantic feelings,” Phil said calmly, “and maybe you should be more concerned with the question whether or not there really is no way that he might see more in you than his best friend, too.”

“He doesn’t,” Bucky insisted bitterly.

“How can you be sure?”

“Because he told me.”

It was rare to see Phil taken aback but right then he seemed honestly stunned. “He told you he’s not in love with you?”

“Well, not directly,” Bucky mumbled and started picking at the skin around his nails. “But he’s not into me.”

“Why not?”

Bucky only hesitated for a second. It was Steve’s decision to tell their friends about his orientation but Phil wouldn’t tell anybody, and half of Bucky’s family already knew about it thanks to Steve’s outburst earlier anyway. “He doesn’t like guys. He’s ace and demiromantic,” he muttered and quickly added an explanation when he noticed Phil’s confused expression.

“Correct me if I’m wrong but that could still mean he might be into boys as well, doesn’t it?” he asked and Bucky eyed him warily.

“Are you trying to get my hopes up to make me feel better? ‘cause if so it’s not working.”

“No, I’m seriously wondering about that.”

“Steve only likes Peggy.” And he told him about the drawing he’d found in Steve’s sketchbook, how Steve had reacted when Sharon had told him she’d talked about him and Steve with her cousin and how Steve always acted around Peggy back in school.

“Oh, yeah, I remember that girl.” Phil nodded slowly and slid his hands into his pockets, then he sighed. “I’m not sure what to tell you. Steve is a great guy, not that you don’t know that already, but this is indeed a tricky situation. I think you should consider what is more important to you, telling him the truth or –”

“No! I can’t do that. I’m not gonna lose him over this.”

Phil looked at him for a long time, then he said something Bucky had most definitely not expected. “Don’t you think he deserves to know the truth?”

Was his godfather crazy? Bucky gaped at him, blinked and finally shook his head. “No. Not about that. It would destroy everything.”

“You don’t know that, Bucky,” Phil said gently and squeezed Bucky’s shoulder. “At least consider it. You might feel better when you don’t have to keep it a secret anymore. I should get going now, your grandmother said she needed help with something after dinner. We’ll talk again tomorrow before you leave, okay?” Without waiting for a reply Phil got up and headed to the door where he stopped to look back at Bucky. “Think about it. He might surprise you.”

Bucky stared after him, completely baffled. How could Phil think telling Steve the truth was an option?! He stayed in the sitting room for a while, thinking about his conversation with his godfather and imagining almost every scenario that might play out if he ever told Steve about his feelings. Not one of them ended well.

Finally he remembered he’d told Steve he would join him outside after getting them something to drink so he got up, still somewhat dazed, and headed to the kitchen where he grabbed a bottle of whiskey and two glasses before making his way to the patio. He had the feeling they’d both need something stronger than beer or champagne for the rest of the night, even if they didn’t talk about what had happened – and Bucky honestly doubted that. 

To his surprise, Steve was nowhere to be found, and when he managed to get Becca to stop asking what the hell had happened and threatening Alexander and his cronies she told him Steve had gone upstairs a few minutes earlier. Without answering any of her questions he left the salon and took the stairs two at a time. His heart was pounding rapidly again when he stopped in front of the guest room he and Steve occupied. Suddenly he wasn’t sure anymore if he really wanted to see him. This was ridiculous, he told himself. He needed to know if Steve was mad at him, needed to talk to him, to make sure he hadn’t messed everything up, so he opened the door and stepped inside. 

The room was empty. 

Where the hell could Steve have gone? Bucky thought about it for a few seconds, then it clicked. The lake. Immediately he turned around and hurried back downstairs and out of the house, past puzzled family members and through the small forest area separating the house from the lake, and sure enough, there was Steve. He was sitting in the grass, leaning against a tree, his sketchbook on his knees and doodling absentmindedly. 

Catching his breath, Bucky approached him slowly but stopped a few feet away. “Hey… I was looking for you.” His stupid heart wouldn’t stop racing.

A short glance at Bucky, then Steve looked back at his sketchbook and shrugged. “Alexander and Mary came ‘round so I left. Really didn’t wanna deal with them.”

Bucky slouched down into the grass next to Steve and, not knowing what else to do or say, unscrewed the bottle and poured whiskey in both glassed. He held one out for Steve to take and took a sip from the other one. Neither of them said anything until their glasses were empty and Bucky had refilled them. He still didn’t know what he wanted to tell Steve but he should start saying something, and soon, or Steve might stop staring into space and start yelling at him so he went with the first thing that came to his mind. “Steve, listen, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that and I don’t know what came over me. You told me you didn’t want that and I should’ve resp–”

Putting a hand on his knee, Steve interrupted him. “Hey, Buck, it’s okay. Don’t worry about it, I get it.” Finally, he set his pencil down and closed his sketchbook.

Bucky couldn’t quite believe his ears. “You do?”

“Sure. And if you hadn’t done that I would’ve gone and punched them in the face so I suppose you did everyone a favour.” Steve chuckled quietly. “And it… wasn’t that bad, I guess. I just… I just didn’t see it coming, is all.”

“Uh… what?” Bucky wasn’t following anymore. He wasn’t sure if this was really just happening.

“I don’t have anything to compare it to so I don’t think I’m really qualified to judge it but I think it wasn’t bad,” Steve mumbled and his cheeks were burning as much as they had right after the kiss.

It took longer than Bucky would ever care to admit to process Steve’s words. “You… don’t…?” Somewhere along this conversation, he’d apparently lost the ability to form coherent sentences and it was all he could do not to gape at Steve in bewilderment.

“Well, uh, no?” Suddenly Steve sounded insecure and almost shy. If possible, his cheeks flushed even more.

Bucky’s eyes went wide. “You’ve never…? Seriously?”

“I was waiting for the right partner,” Steve murmured defensively.

“Oh god. Oh god, shit, Steve, I’m so sorry, I had no idea, fuck, this should’ve nev-”

“Okay, would you shut up now? I told you, it’s okay. I’m not mad. It happened and you don’t have to make a big deal out of it. Now how ‘bout we just get drunk and wait till we can see the stars?”

Bucky blinked at him, then muttered, “Uh, yeah, um. Sure…”

Steve smiled and took another sip of his whiskey while he scooted a little to allow Bucky to get comfortable against the tree as well. Bucky’s mind was racing. He’d always thought that Steve was just shy about these kinds of things and hadn’t bothered telling him about his experiences. Never would he have expected that Steve had never before kissed anyone and now Bucky had ruined his first kiss. Did it count when Steve hadn’t even kissed him back? Maybe it didn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, over 3500 hits now, wow! Thank you guys so much for reading, subscribing, bookmarking and for all the kudos and lovely comments, they mean the world to me!  
> Now I know we don't have a lot of plot atm but I kinda like the whole internalised action stuff (is it called that in English? I doubt it...) and there will be more of it - we might even get an insight into Steve's POV soon :) I hope you liked this chapter and let me know if you wanna see what Steve thinks about this whole situation :)


	17. Chapter 17

For the third time in a row, Steve woke up with an arm around Bucky’s waist. His head was tucked under Bucky’s chin and his face hidden in the crook of his best friend’s neck. He blinked and quietly cursed himself for having curled up next to Bucky yet again. Sure, they had done this regularly when they’d been younger, but their entire situation was already awkward enough without Steve scooting over and snuggling into Bucky in his sleep. 

At least it wasn’t as bad as the day before, he thought to himself and his face burned at the memory. He still wasn’t sure if Bucky had been asleep when he’d woken up and practically fled from the room to go on a morning run, hoping to calm his nerves. This kind physical contact between them was completely unfamiliar. Before this crazy, stupid bet there had been nothing but platonic touches between best friends, and Steve didn’t quite know how to react to this new situation. And more importantly, he didn’t know how Bucky would react if he knew how Steve had spooned him like that and panic welled up in him. This cuddling right now was nothing compared to yesterday, he decided as he carefully pulled his arm away so he wouldn’t wake Bucky, but he still didn’t need to know about it. When he sat up he registered with relief that Bucky was still asleep and instantly hugged the blanket closer to his body now that Steve wasn’t there anymore.

For a moment, Steve considered going downstairs but the possibility of meeting any of Bucky’s relatives who just loved to provoke or insult him quickly made him change his mind. He opened a drawer, took the book he’d brought with him out and sat back down on the bed, leaning against the headboard. Instead of concentrating on the story, though, his mind soon drifted off again and again. Memories of the weekend wouldn’t stop distracting him and when he realised he’d read the same sentence for the seventh time without remembering a single word he gave up and stared blankly at the page. 

He had messed everything up. Bucky, the only person besides his mother who had always been right there by his side, who had always defended him and fought for him even though Steve had told him time and time again that Bucky should stop getting himself into trouble because of him, was trying his hardest to pretend everything was fine but Steve knew him better than anyone else. He knew something wasn’t right. And it was his own damn fault. 

Bucky had felt like he needed to prove his relatives wrong and kissed him and now everything was a mess. Fine, it had already been a mess before that but now things were even worse. Steve shouldn’t have told him it had been his first kiss, he had seen the shock in Bucky’s eyes for a split second and now Bucky felt terrible about it even though Steve had assured him he didn’t care. Which wasn’t quite true, to be honest, but he’d be damned and make his best friend feel even worse about it. Steve had always imagined his first kiss to be special even if he knew it sounded clichéd, like right out of a fairy tale, and now it just hadn’t been like that at all. But that wasn’t the worst part. He was disappointed, of course, but seeing how Bucky beat himself up over it was something he’d never wanted to see. Bucky practically acted like it was the end of the world (or, more precisely, tried to act like he’d already forgotten about it but Steve had caught Bucky glancing at him worriedly several times last night and the guilty conscience was clearly written all over his face) and Steve honestly didn’t understand it.

It confused and frustrated him and he just wanted this entire chaos to vanish. He hated it. Steve usually was an honest person who spoke his mind openly – which had gotten him into trouble more times than he could count – and he had never lied to anyone. Until now. Naturally he’d kept a few secrets from teachers, his mother and even Bucky in the past but this was different. Now he was lying to his mother and couldn’t even talk openly to his best friend. It had already been hard to tell him that he’d finally figured out his sexuality. Of course Steve hadn’t expected Bucky to be mean about it but he’d been worried that Buck just wouldn’t understand. After all, Bucky liked making out and having sex and had never been shy to talk about it. Steve had always listened with curious fascination but he’d never felt the need to try any of the things Bucky told him about, the things media portrayed as ‘normal’ and a necessary part of growing up so for years he had felt insecure about his lack of interest in this sort of thing.

It was the only thing he’d ever kept from Bucky because he’d thought he was weird and nobody would understand him because which guy didn’t like sex and what would Bucky think of him? But it had been fine, Bucky hadn’t judged him and in that moment he’d been so relieved that everything else had seemed irrelevant. But reality had caught up with them soon enough.

Next to him, Bucky turned around and murmured something in his sleep. He must have dreamed that night and spoken in his sleep, too, because Steve suddenly remembered hearing Bucky mumble his name in the dead of the night as he lay there, dead-tired but nonetheless unable to sleep. He wondered what Bucky might have dreamed about.

Closing his book, Steve looked over at the sleeping figure next to him and ran his hands over his face. Recently, so many things were left unspoken between them and he hated it. He hated that he had the feeling Bucky was withdrawing from him and he didn’t fully understand why. He hated that he couldn’t read his best friend’s mind anymore liked he’d used to. He hated that he had brought them into this situation in the first place. Sometimes he wished he could just go back to high school, where he’d been sickly but things had been uncomplicated, he’d been happy, his mother had been healthy and there hadn’t been any secrets or awkwardness between him and Bucky. 

To get his mind off everything, Steve grabbed his sketchbook and pencils. It only worked when he was drawing or painting and by now the sun had risen far enough to illuminate the room fully. Perfect conditions for a few sketches or maybe some studies. He skimmed through the pages to find where he’d left off but stopped at the portray of Peggy. He had thought about her often over the past few weeks and yet the conversation with Sharon had caught him completely off-guard. Bucky hadn’t exactly seemed happy and he tried to forget about it but he couldn’t help but feel like there was unfinished business, more things left unspoken.

Bucky started moving and propped himself up on his elbows before looking over at him and blinking sleepily. “Stevie?” he mumbled and his voice was hoarse.

“Morning, Buck.” Steve grinned, desperately wishing that things would be back to normal again and Bucky would just forget about the previous day. He couldn’t take Bucky’s behaviour from yesterday much longer. “Why’re you already awake?”

“’s too fucking bright in here,” Bucky huffed and was about to sink back down into the pillows when his eyes caught sight of the page in Steve’s sketchbook. “Huh…”

Steve didn’t know what to make of his expression so he closed the book and set it aside. 

“Looked good.”

“Hm?” For a second Steve was confused, then he smiled softly. “Oh, right, thanks. It’s a lot harder to draw from memory.”

“You caught her well. She looks perfect.” Bucky flopped back down onto his stomach and watched him, the grey in his eyes more prominent than usual in the bright morning light.

Fumbling with his pencils, Steve said, “Yeah, well, she’s very pretty. It’s nice to draw her.” Somehow he had hoped by drawing her he might get her out of his mind for a while but it hadn’t worked. Another thing that Bucky didn’t know about, and Steve was hesitant to tell him. Suddenly he couldn’t stand Bucky’s eyes on him anymore so he got up, mumbled some excuse about taking a shower, and disappeared into the en suite bathroom. 

This awkwardness between them was horrible. Steve knew Bucky had said all of this pretending wouldn’t change anything but Steve didn’t believe him anymore. 

But he could do this for a few more hours. He could pretend to be in a normal, happy relationship with his best friend. And he could convince said best friend’s family that everything they said, everything they did, every look they shared and every touch was real. Nobody could find out all of it was a farce, they just couldn’t. Their charade would work out, he told himself. Because it had to. 

What worried him most, though, was the fact that Bucky’s godfather had seen right through them. Bucky had told him Phil had confronted him about it but promised not to tell anybody. But if Phil knew who was to say that nobody else would figure it out? It was a possibility he barely dared to think about.

Only a couple more hours of fake happiness and too personal touches and kisses on the cheeks that left his face flushed and his throat feeling tight. Then he could finally go home and try to forget this terrible weekend until he saw Bucky again on Friday. The thought hurt. Never before had he wanted to get away from Bucky but now he needed space.

Or maybe you should talk to him, a tiny voice in his head said. Really speak about all of this and make everything right. Apologise and tell him he didn’t want them to act like strangers and just talk it out. Explain this chaos in his mind. 

When he went back into the bedroom after his shower he barely felt any better. He was still unsure what to do. As he asked Bucky when exactly they’d leave, Bucky would barely meet his eyes as he crossed the room, much like the day before after his weird phone call with Sam. Steve sighed and came to a decision. They had to talk about this. Now.

“Buck, listen, there’s something I should tell –” he started but a loud knock and the opening of the door immediately after interrupted him.

“Why the hell aren’t you dressed yet?” Becca asked, staring at her brother incredulously. “Breakfast started like twenty minutes ago and Ma is not amused that you haven’t showed up. Get ready. Also, Phil asked for you. Hurry.” And she was gone, the door slamming shut behind her.

“Jeez, sorry.” Bucky rolled his eyes and pulled a wrinkled black and grey plaid shirt from the heap on the floor. “What’d you wanna say?”

“It can wait,” Steve mumbled and buried his fists in his pockets. Becca had to have just about the worst timing in the entire universe. They would have to talk later. “You don’t really wanna wear that, do you?”

Cocking a brow, Bucky stared at the shirt. “What’s wrong with it?”

“It’s all crinkled.”

“So what? I don’t give a fuck what they think,” Bucky grumbled and put it on. Then he pulled his jeans over his hips, zipped them up, didn’t even bother combing the mess that was his bedhead and opened the door. “You coming?”

It itched Steve to fix Bucky’s hair at least a little but he left his hands in his pockets, followed Bucky into the hallway and down the stairs. Right before they reached the door to the salon he felt Bucky’s fingertips on his wrist.

“One last time, huh? Let’s get this over with, then we can go home,” he said quietly.

Steve nodded and took Bucky’s hand, feeling the now familiar uneasiness rise in his stomach. He really needed to talk to him, but not with Bucky’s entire family around.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whooo, look who's procrastinating by writing fanfic again... I have to admit, it was quite a challenge to write from Steve's point of view without giving away too much and still leaving some questions open (or maybe giving you even more to think about?) and somehow Steve is much harder to write than Bucky but I hope you liked this little peek into his psyche :)


	18. Chapter 18

They didn’t get the chance to talk since everyone was bustling around after breakfast and started packing and Steve suddenly seemed to have disappeared into thin air. Nobody knew where he’d gone. Bucky had been looking for him for more than fifteen minutes when he finally saw Steve leaving a room at the end of the hallway on the first floor. 

“Hey, man, where’ve you been?”

Steve flinched visibly when he heard Bucky’s voice. “I, uh… busy?” he said unconvincingly.

Raising a brow, Bucky crossed his arms but before he could press Steve on the topic Steve’s eyes flickered behind Bucky. Bucky turned around to see his father smiling at them.

“Steve, Winifred wants to talk to you. She’s in the kitchen,” he informed him. Bucky almost groaned. Why did everyone in his family have such goddamn terrible timing?!

But Steve somehow just managed to look incredibly relieved and conscience-stricken at the same time. “Oh, okay. Sure. See you later.” He briefly smiled at Bucky and hurried past him. Bucky couldn’t help but think Steve might be glad about having to postpone their conversation.

“Everything okay with you two?” George asked as he looked after Steve before turning back to Bucky.

“Yeah, sure. We’re just glad when all of this is over. Don’t get me wrong, I love seeing Grampa, Nana, Phil, Peter and May but the rest…”

George sighed and rested his hand on his son’s shoulder. “I get that, trust me, and I am so sorry you had to hear all these horrific, offensive things. I can’t even tell you how brave you are and how proud I am of both of you for being just who you are and standing up for yourselves, even though you shouldn’t have to do that.”

“Thanks, Pa,” Bucky said quietly and hugged his father briefly. Even if George didn’t always quite understand what was going on with Bucky he tried his best and knowing that he supported him no matter what meant a lot.

“Now unless you want to say goodbye to Alexander and Mary you better hide ‘cause they’re about to leave and I suppose you’d be happy not to have to see them again.” George patted Bucky’s back and grinned. 

“Ugh, thanks for the warning.”

“Anytime.”

Giving his father a nod, Bucky headed for the nearest door and disappeared into the room Steve had left earlier. He stopped dead when he realised he wasn’t alone. “Phil?” he asked in surprise. “What’re you…? Was Steve here with you?”

“Oh, yes, we had a little chat.”

Bucky’s heart missed a beat and he looked at his godfather with wide eyes. “You didn’t tell him, did you?!”

“No, I didn’t, but I still think you should.”

He deliberately ignored that comment. “What’d you talk about?”

A small smile appeared on Phil’s face. “I’m sorry, Bucky, but I think that’s between him and me.”

Now Bucky was staring at him incredulously. “What?” But –”

“You can always ask him, if he wants to tell you that’s fine. Communication is crucial in every relationship so talk to him.”

“We’re not even a real couple,” Bucky grumbled. “He wanted to talk to me earlier but Becca interrupted him. You know what that was about?”

“Maybe.”

“Whose side are you one?” Bucky complained.

“Yours, always, but it’s not my place to tell you what he wants to say to you.”

Crossing his arms and glowering at the floor, Bucky huffed. “You and your fucking secrets.”

“Now let’s just remember who’s been keeping secrets from his best friend for years,” Phil reminded him and grinned, making Bucky snort.

***

The entire ride home Bucky kept wondering what Steve had wanted to tell him right before Becca had burst into the room. There hadn’t been a single moment before their departure that he and Steve had been alone again so their talk had to wait. Bucky hated the uncertainty, especially after Phil’s hints. Occasionally, he glanced over at Steve who had buried his nose in a book. Bucky suspected that he wasn’t paying attention to it at all, though, since he’d been staring at the same page for the past ten minutes. 

Eventually, he couldn’t take it anymore and nudged him softly. “What was it you wanted to talk about?” he asked quietly, making sure neither Becca nor his parents who were currently having a discussion about some song on the radio heard him.

“Not now,” Steve murmured just as quietly and glanced at Bucky apologetically before burying his nose even further in his book. It was a reaction Bucky had expected but he was disappointed nevertheless. He desperately wanted to know what it was that Steve refused to tell him in front of his family and it preyed on his mind.

Unfortunately Bucky wouldn’t find out what it was anytime soon. About half an hour before they reached the outskirts of New York Steve’s mobile rang and his brows scrunched together as he looked at the screen. He answered the call and his face paled while Bucky watched him with concern.

As soon as he’d hung up, Steve leaned forward and asked quietly, “Winnie, could you maybe drop me off at the hospital?” before Bucky could even ask what was wrong. At those words his heart sank and he automatically reached for Steve’s hand, hesitating only a second when he realised what he was doing but then taking it nonetheless and intertwining their fingers.

“Is Sarah alright?” Winifred immediately asked, glancing at Steve in the rear-view mirror before turning her attention back on the road. Her knuckles turned white as her hands clutched the wheel harder than before.

“They said she hasn’t been doing that well and she wanted to see me.” Steve squeezed Bucky’s hand unconsciously and Bucky gently squeezed back. 

“She’s gonna be okay,” he murmured but by now it sounded hollow. Truth be told he was scared. Never before had the hospital called Steve with something like this and he could read in his best friend’s face that he was thinking the same thing. Steve didn’t reply. He stayed quiet for the rest of the drive and stared blankly at the phone that was still in his hand. His other hand continued to clutch Bucky’s as the awkward silence in the car grew heavier with every minute. Nobody knew what to say so Bucky just carefully caressed the back of Steve’s hand and exchanged worried glances with Becca and his parents now and again.

When they finally arrived at the hospital Steve opened the door of the car the instant they stopped. Bucky climbed out after him and watched him grab his bag from the trunk. He had completely forgotten about everything but the fear on Steve’s face.

“You want me to come with you?” he asked insecurely before Steve could just hurry off.

For a moment Steve blinked as if Bucky’s question had caught him off-guard, then he shook his head. “I’ll call you, okay?”

Swaying slightly on the balls of his feet Bucky nodded and buried his hands in his pockets. “Tell her I said hi and I hope she’ll be better soon, ‘kay? And let me know if there’s any news.”

“Will do.” Steve tried to smile but once again it didn’t reach his eyes. He’d already turned around halfway when he stopped and looked back at Bucky. A second later he pulled him into a hug and held on to Bucky like his life depended on it. “I’m scared,” he whispered.

Bucky swallowed and ran his hands over Steve’s back even though he knew it wouldn’t do much to comfort him. “She’s tough, Stevie. She’ll make it. You just gotta believe in her.” He could feel Steve give a small nod before he let go of him. 

Before he could say or do anything else Steve mumbled a “Thanks,” pecked Bucky’s cheek and quickly waved at Bucky’s family in the car, then he was hurrying up the hospital steps. Bucky stared after him, not sure if his imagination had just acted up again as his fingertips brushed over his cheek where Steve had kissed it.

“You think he’s gonna be okay?” Becca asked when he got back into the car and put his seatbelt on.

“As long as his mom’s gonna be okay, yeah…” Bucky didn’t even want to think about the possibility of Sarah not getting well.

Slowly a conversation got started again but he wasn’t listening. He couldn’t wait to finally be back home, have some time to himself – and overthink things again and again, probably. Ugh. Maybe he should stop by the garage tonight to continue working on his car for a bit and get his mind off. 

To everybody’s surprise Becca insisted on accompanying Bucky up to his apartment once they had arrived in front of the building. She’d only been at his place a couple times and generally avoided going in there, saying his tiny apartment made her claustrophobic and she’d rather visit a garbage dump than the dump that was Bucky’s place. It became clear why she followed him into the house the second they were out of earshot, though. Becca grabbed his arm and stopped him in the dim hallway. 

“Is it true? It’s fake?”

Bucky gave her a look of utter confusion, not following in the slightest. “What’re you talking about?”

“You and Steve. Are you really faking it?”

Fuck. Bucky tried to hide his shock and defensively asked, “Why would you think that?”

“I overheard you and Phil talking. Why are you doing this?”

His shoulders slumped. There was no point in denying it, Becca wouldn’t just let him brush this off. “We didn’t have any other choice. The proposal was a joke, part of a stupid bet and then you saw it and it all got out of hand and when Steve saw how happy Sarah was he couldn’t… he just couldn’t tell her the truth, y’know?”

Hands on her hips, Becca glowered at him. “You’re a goddamn fucking idiot, you know that?”

“Yeah, I do, thanks. But you can’t –”

“But you’re really in love with him, aren’t you?” she interrupted him as if Bucky hadn’t said a word. “Nobody could fake it that well.”

Instead of replying, Bucky shrugged one shoulder and looked at the ground. It was enough of an answer.

“Fucking moron,” Becca murmured.

“Are you gonna…?”

“No, I’m not gonna tell Ma and Pa, I think you’re already punishing yourself enough with this. But you better figure out a way to get out of this situation without being more of a mess than you already are. I really don’t wanna see you get your heart broken, Bucky.”

The words still echoed in Bucky’s mind long after Becca had said goodbye and left him standing all alone in the hallway. He was afraid it was already too late for that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't been feeling that well lately so writing this chapter took way longer than I had intended. I promise we'll get around to some more interesting stuff in the next one, though, and hope you like this one nonetheless :)


	19. Chapter 19

Over the course of the next two days Bucky barely managed to get a hold of Steve. His best friend had only called shortly late on Monday evening to let him know that Sarah had somehow gotten a cold in addition to the tuberculosis and blood poisoning which had weakened her immune system even more. It hadn’t been hard to hear how terrified Steve was but Steve had told him he didn’t need to come over or stop by the hospital because the doctors wouldn’t let anybody but him into Sarah’s room anyway so on Thursday afternoon Bucky slowly walked the long hallways towards the classroom where Steve’s art class took place with a bad feeling in his gut.

When Steve had asked him if he could model one last time that morning Bucky hadn’t even complained. Instead, he had agreed without hesitation. Anything to get Steve’s mind off of his mother for a bit and talk to him – and hopefully they could finally have a conversation about whatever Steve had wanted to tell him afterwards since Steve had refused to tell him on the phone and Bucky was slowly dying because of all the possible things Steve might have to say. Maybe he had finally seen through him and knew Bucky was in love with him. Oh god, he barely dared to think about it.

Steve had texted him that he would meet him in class because he would head there directly from the hospital where he spent every free minute so Bucky was taking the few steps up into the hallway that led to the room alone when a voice called out his name. Bucky turned around to see Sharon walking towards him.

“Hey! Your last day today, huh?” she said as she caught up to him.

Even though he didn’t feel like talking to Sharon Bucky murmured a confirmation.

“I bet you’re glad when this is over, aren’t you? Didn’t really look excited to be there the last two times.”

“Well, I’d do anything for Steve,” he grumbled and wished he had pretended not to have heard her.

“I’m not surprised,” she chuckled. “Oh, hey, by the way, have you heard the news?”

Bucky stopped abruptly. “What news?” From the tone of her voice it couldn’t be anything bad and he doubted she had heard news about Sarah that he hadn’t but something about the glint in her eyes made him suspicious.

“Oh you’ll see. Don’t wanna spoil the surprise. C’mon.” She had the audacity to grip his wrist and pull him the last few steps to the classroom and Bucky only just refrained from tugging his arm away violently. He really didn’t like people touching him. Unless they were Steve.

“What the hell are you talking about?” he asked as Sharon dragged him inside. As soon as they entered the room, though, any answer was superfluous. There she was, the subject of his nightmares (alright, maybe that was a _little_ dramatic but right then Bucky didn’t give a damn): Peggy Carter, standing right next to Steve, smiling up at him sympathetically with her perfect hair and perfect make up and making him smile back at her. Bucky stood frozen in the doorway, didn’t even care that a few students bumped into him on their way into the room, and glowered at Peggy. What the hell was she doing here?! She was supposed to be halfway across the globe in fucking England, not here with Steve, hugging him briefly and letting an arm linger around his waist as she talked with her stupid British accent.

When Steve looked up and his eyes met Bucky’s he finally entered the room and made his way over to them. “Stevie, hey. Hi, Peg,” he ground out through gritted teeth and did anything in his power not to outright glare at her. It wasn’t that he disliked Peggy per se, she was a great girl, even he had to admit that, and he got why Steve liked her so much, but Steve was _his_. Well, technically not, the small evil voice in the back of his mind reminded him, he was only pretending to be his. But Peggy surely didn’t know that so she had no right to put her arm around Steve’s waist.

“Hey, Bucky!” Peggy said and beamed at him. She let go of Steve in order to hug Bucky and Bucky hugged her back half-heartedly, looking at Steve over her shoulder. Of course Steve understood the unspoken question in his eyes and shrugged apologetically. So he had known she would come. Great.

“I didn’t know you’d be here. You visiting Sharon?” he asked with false friendliness.

“She is, and of course she took the first opportunity to see Steve again,” Sharon chimed in with a Cheshire cat grin and added, “We weren’t sure if you’d come today, though. It’s great that you’re both here, isn’t it, Peggy?” Something about her expression or her voice or maybe both, Bucky wasn’t sure, seemed insincere and just as false as Bucky’s voice.

“Absolutely. It’s been so long.”

“Maybe we could all get something to eat or some drinks after class?” Sharon suggested and smiled at Steve, purposefully ignoring Bucky’s expression slipping. That was honestly the last thing he wanted to do.

But Steve just nodded softly and said, “Yeah, sure, that’ll be… fun.”

Bucky wanted to punch him. It was going to be anything but fun for sure but he bit his tongue and turned around to head back to the front of the room without another word but Steve’s hand on his shoulder stopped him.

“Where’re you going?”

“Uh, well, I thought this was supposed to be a drawing class and I was the model so I was gonna go and sit there like an idiot in front of everyone.” It was hard not to snap at Steve but if there was one thing Bucky wanted even less than go grab dinner with Sharon and Peggy it was them knowing that he was pissed that Peggy was here and thinking he was jealous (which he was not, for the record, that was ridiculous, absolutely ridiculous, dammit).

“Oh, yeah, right,” Steve stammered and pulled the messenger bag on his shoulder higher. “I guess we should get started. Peggy, you wanna stay?”

“Sure, I’d love to.” Peggy smiled again and followed Steve and Sharon to the back of the room whereas Bucky grabbed a chair, dragged it to the front and slumped down. This would by far be the worst class ever. Why did God or whoever was in charge of his life hate him this much?

He was absolutely not going to go with Steve and the girls afterwards, he decided as he watched them from his chair disapprovingly, and he glared even harder when he overheard a girl in the front row whispering to the guy next to her why he thought their current model always looked like he wanted to kill someone. He would just disappear right after class and not give Steve the opportunity to persuade him to join them because he knew he wouldn’t be able to say no.

Although, now that he thought about it, maybe leaving Steve with Peggy wasn’t a good idea, either. Steve might tell her they weren’t actually a couple and surely she’d be all over him in seconds. Bucky felt sick at the thought. Maybe he needed to stay with Steve and make sure Peggy didn’t bother him. Ugh. When had his life become one big dilemma after the other?

***

“Steve, open up, dammit.” Bucky cursed quietly and knocked against Steve’s door once more. It was impossible that Steve wasn’t there, after all it was Friday evening and he knew Bucky was coming over. He surely wouldn’t just not open the door just because Bucky had decided to head home last night rather than go to some bar with Steve, Peggy and Sharon. He hadn’t felt like dealing with Steve’s annoying stammering around the girls (which was usually adorable but definitely not in situations like this) and the perfection that was Peggy fucking Carter. He couldn’t compete with that, anyway, and it was obvious that Steve was still head over heels for her – the way his face flushed when she was around and how he got all nervous like a little boy with his first crush.

“I don’t think he’s there so ya can stop yellin’,” a voice said behind him and Bucky, pulled from his thoughts, whirled around to see the old lady who lived across the hall stand in her doorway. “Boy’s barely been home the past couple days and I don’t think he came home after school today.”

“Oh, um… Do you know where he went?”

“No idea, ‘s not like he asks for my permission to go out.”

“Uh, right, thanks anyway,” Bucky mumbled and lowered his hand.

After a moment the woman nodded and closed the door again but Bucky was sure she was still watching him through the peephole. But nosy old ladies didn’t matter right now. Why hadn’t Steve told him he wasn’t home? And more importantly, where the fuck was he?

Peggy, the evil voice in his head whispered, but Bucky shook his head in a vain attempt to silence it. Steve wouldn’t go see her and stand him up like this. Steve would have a really good reason to forget telling him he wouldn’t be able to meet him. Right?

A good reason…

Bucky’s eyes widened and he immediately hurried down the stairs as a lump formed in his throat. There was only one place where Steve could be. Outside he unlocked his bike and cycled to the hospital as fast as he could. When he finally arrived he barely took the time to properly lock up his bike, then he was running up the stairs to the floor where Sarah’s room was, panting hard and too impatient to wait for the elevators, convinced something terrible must have happened.

A nurse glared at him as he skidded around a corner and almost bumped into her. “This is a hospital, young man! What do you think you’re doing?”

“Mrs Rogers…” Bucky gasped, “She okay? ‘s Steve there?”

“I believe her son is inside, yes,” she said with confusion and crossed her arms.

That was all he needed to know. Bucky hurried past her towards the room, ignoring her glare, stopped in front of it and knocked. He could hear soft footsteps inside, then the door opened and Steve looked at him with wide eyes. “Buck? What’re you… Why’re you all out of breath?” He seemed to be okay and didn’t look like he’d cried which, in turn, confused Bucky.

“How’s your mom?” he panted and leaned against the doorframe, partly to look past Steve at the bed and partly to support himself to catch his breath.

“Her condition’s unchanged. What’s going on with you?” Now it was Steve who looked worried.

“Steve? Is that James?” Sarah’s voice from inside the room was nothing more than a weak whisper but it was the best thing Bucky had heard in days.

“Yeah, that’s him,” Steve called over his shoulder and opened the door a little wider so she could see Bucky.

Leaning his forehead against the cool wood of the doorframe, Bucky took a deep breath before staring at Steve reproachfully. “I thought… You weren’t home and… Dammit, Steve, I thought something had happened!”

Finally, understanding dawned on Steve’s face and he glanced at the clock above the elevators at the end of the hallway. “Oh, shit, I’m so sorry. I completely lost track of time…” he admitted sheepishly. “Um… You wanna come in? I’m sure the doctors would make an exception for you, too.”

“I’m already here, might as well come in, huh?” Bucky gently pushed against Steve’s chest but he couldn’t help a relieved smile spreading over his face. “You ever do this again I’ll kill you, just so you know. Almost gave me a fucking heart attack,” he grumbled as he followed Steve into the room.

Sarah tried to sit up in her bed to greet him and Steve was by her side immediately to help her. This time, her soft smile was anything but reassuring. She looked as pale as a ghost and Bucky swallowed hard. His fears didn’t seem that far off reality after all and apparently Steve was thinking the same thing.

“Thanks for coming,” he whispered as he pulled a second chair over so Bucky could sit next to him and gave him a sad little smile.

 

***

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uploading this without fucking up is harder than I thought, ugh. Second try. So guess who spent the entire day looking at fan art, drawing some themselves and finally continuing this fic - procrastinating like a pro again, hah. Aaaanyway, I somehow ended up drawing the cuddle scene from chapter 13 right before Bucky notices Steve's boner and idk, I guess it didn't turn out that bad so here you go - a lil' fluff after all that jealous and angsty Bucky! *hides in a corner*


	20. Chapter 20

On their drive home to Steve’s place Steve had still been quiet and lost in thought but when Bucky had suggested getting Thai and playing Xbox Steve had agreed. Now they were sitting on his couch, shoving and cursing each other as Steve tried to keep Bucky from winning another round of Mario Kart by pushing him off the sofa or poking his foot in Bucky’s side to tickle him.

“Y’know, everyone always thinks you’re all nice and virtuous and perfect and shit but you’re really just a little bitch and a sore loser,” Bucky complained and nudged his elbow into Steve’s ribs when Steve managed to push him so that he fell off the track so he could race past him and won.

Steve saved himself more nudges and playful punches by escaping from the sofa. He threw the controller on the cushions, lay back on the carpet and grinned up at Bucky from the ground. “And you’re only realising that now?”

Bucky threw one of the pillows at his head, missing him by an inch or two. “Fucker.”

After grabbing the pillow and clutching it to his chest so Bucky couldn’t use it as weapon anymore, Steve sat up and tilted his head a little. “Hey, so, I was thinking we could introduce Peggy to the others tomorrow night.”

“Tomorrow night?” Bucky echoed. He had no idea what Steve was talking about but whatever it was, he was not exactly thrilled about the prospect of spending a night with Steve and Peggy. Countless nights of hanging out with them, listening to Steve’s soft laughter and Peggy’s giggles while sitting surly next to them pining after Steve and wishing Peggy had never come to America in the first place immediately came to mind.

“Yeah, y’know, Tony’s party. You think he’ll mind if she tags along?”

Bucky groaned. “I totally forgot about that. Do you honestly want the others to be all over her the whole night?”

“Aw c’mon, they’re not that bad.”

“You know them. Peggy’s fresh meat and they won’t leave her alone, will try to get every little embarrassing high school memory about us from her and Tony’s probably gonna hit on her whenever his face isn’t attached to Pepper’s.” Maybe it was grasping for straws, he knew their friends weren’t that bad, but Bucky really could do without little Miss Perfect for the entire weekend. God, he sounded like a jealous fifteen year old girl straight out of some stupid teen comedy.

“I’ll just text Tony and ask him. And tell him that he should keep his hands to himself. Or Pepper. I don’t care.”

No, no, please don’t, Bucky thought and made a last attempt. “You really think she’ll have fun there? I mean all Bruce talks about is science, Nat can be scary as fuck when it comes to new people, Clint and Sam will probably constantly make bad bird jokes and I bet Thor will be there, too, and try to get everyone to drink his weird stuff that makes you feel like you’re dead the day after.”

“Now you’re being ridiculous. You know Peggy, she always went to parties with us and probably always had the most fun, no matter how weird people got when they were drunk. And I bet she even could drink Thor under the table.”

Bucky rolled his eyes when all he really wanted to do was tell Steve not to invite her along under any circumstances. “Fine, whatever, ask Tony, but don’t say I didn’t warn you when she ends up hating all of them,” he grumbled and did his best not to outright pout as Steve pulled his phone from his pocket, presumably to text Tony.

Apparently Steve was entirely oblivious to the fact that Bucky was anything but happy about his idea and just glanced up from his phone for a second to beam at him. “It’ll be fun, Buck. Just like old times, only with more friends.”

That was exactly what he was afraid of. Speaking of afraid, when he hadn’t been worried about Sarah and hearing nothing from Steve he’d spent the last few days panicking about what Steve had wanted to tell him. Since the plan had been to show up to Tony’s party earlier because he and Tony needed to go over a project for their engineering class one more time and Steve had volunteered to set things up and if Peggy was going to spend tomorrow night with them now was probably the best time to ask Steve about it. Bucky bit his lip and absentmindedly started picking on the skin around his nails again before he realised what he was doing and forced himself to stop it. He didn’t need yet another bad habit.

“Hey, Steve?” he asked eventually, hoping he sounded nonchalant and somewhat uninterested.

“Hm?”

“What’d you… Wasn’t there something you wanted to talk about? At my grandparents’ house, y’know, when Becca barged in.”

Steve stopped mid-text, his fingers hovering over the screen, and looked up from his phone to meet Bucky’s eyes. “Huh? Oh… right…” he mumbled and a strange expression crossed his face, just for a split second, but it had been there. “I wanted to tell you that Peggy was coming for a visit.”

Raising a brow, Bucky eyed his best friend. “And you couldn’t tell me that in front of my family?”

“You know how Becca used to tease me about it ‘cause of the way I felt for Peggy and I didn’t want that to start all over again,” was Steve’s defensive response. Oh yes, Bucky remembered that all too well but nonetheless he doubted this was what Steve had wanted to tell him this urgently and then kept from him altogether. After all he had even refused to tell him on the phone, pretending to be too busy to talk. Or had he suspected Bucky would react this ~~jealous~~ protective?

“How ‘bout a rematch?” Steve asked, his try to change the topic anything but subtle. “Six out of ten. Winner has to buy dinner next Friday.”

Bucky decided to let it go for now, Steve really needed a break after all the stress with his mother, so he just said, “As if you’d ever stand a chance. I’ll kick your stupid ass, Rogers. And no fucking cheating.” He’d have to ask him another time.

***

It took Bucky and Tony longer than they had anticipated to put the finishing touches on their project and rehearse the little presentation they had to give in front of the class on Tuesday morning. They were still discussing whether or not to include one of Tony’s more unconventional designs at the end of the presentation when the doorbell rang and Steve stuck his head into the study a minute later, announcing that Pepper and Jane had just arrived.

“We’ll be right out,” Tony said absentmindedly, “make yourselves at home,” before trying to persuade Bucky again that it was not a stupid idea to end the presentation with some futuristic prosthetic designs that had absolutely nothing to do with the topic of their presentation. “Wait till you see what I’ve been working on, then you’ll get it,” he promised but before he could show Bucky what the hell he was talking about Pepper came into the room, planted herself in his lap and kissed him. Then she smiled at Bucky.

“You mind if I take him with me?”

“Not at all, please, save me from him,” Bucky gave back dramatically and Tony tried to poke him with a pencil.

“I’m a genius, you’re lucky I’m having you around,” he declared and smirked. Bucky wanted to protest but deep down he knew Tony was right – about the genius part, at least. “I’ll show you what I was talking about later.”

Bucky sighed, packed his things together and followed Tony and Pepper into the large living room of Tony’s apartment where Steve was talking to Jane next to the stereo as they tried to decide which music to put on for now. On the way over to them he picked up a few beers and handed one to Steve and Jane each. Jane thanked him with a smile and hugged him.

“So good to see you again.”

“You, too. Is Thor coming today, too?”

“Yeah, he just came back from his study trip and said he can’t wait to see all of you again. He’s probably going to break everybody’s ribs by accident, you know his hugs, so maybe try to stay away from him for the first half hour.” She chuckled and took a sip of her beer.

Over the course of the next hour more and more people arrived in dribs and drabs. Most of them belonged to their usual circle, then there were Peggy and Sharon (because of course it “would be rude to invite Peggy but not Sharon, duh, Buck”), Rhodey, Wade and Vanessa, some guy named Peter who seemed vaguely familiar and a bunch of people Bucky didn’t know.

Soon everyone was sprawled out over the sofas, sitting on the ground or leaning against the wall, drinks in hand and munching chips and other snacks. Not long after, the living room was filled with loud voices, laughter and even louder music. Around half past eleven, Bucky had just grabbed a sandwich and a glass of Jack Daniels and the dancefloor was already full of people, one of Bucky’s favourite songs started playing and his eyes widened. He turned around to Steve so hastily he almost spilled his drink and lost his balance and beamed at him while bouncing on his feet to the music.

“Steve! Steeeviiiie, dance with me? Please?”

Steve snorted a laugh and shook his head. “You know I don’t dance, Buck.”

“But you danced with me last week. Pretty please? C’mon, just this song!”

“Go dance with Vanessa. Or Thor.”

“But I don’t wanna dance with either of ‘em. You’re the worst fiancé ever,” Bucky grumbled under his breath but Steve heard him and smirked.

“If that’s the only bad thing ‘bout being fake-engaged to me I can live with that,” he quipped, “but I’m definitely not drunk enough to dance.”

“So if I get you drunk you’ll dance with me? Here, take this.” Bucky shoved his half empty glass of Jack into Steve’s hand with a winning grin.

Steve laughed again and tried to hand the glass back to Bucky but Bucky took a few steps back. “I did not say that. I think I’m gonna look how Peggy’s doing over there, you go dancing.”

Bucky’s expression faltered just a little. “Pff. I’ll get you to dance with me again, trust me.”

“Fine, be my guest and give it a shot. For now I’m gonna save Peggy from Wade, though. I kinda doubt she wants to see the burns on his _entire_ body…”

Before Bucky could protest or say Steve should just leave her with Wade – Wilson was a fun guy after all and hadn’t Steve said Peggy didn’t mind weird drunken behaviour? – a hand slapped on his shoulder. Tony slurred, “Hey, Barnes, c’mon, you gotta see this, it’s huge,” and practically dragged him over to his bedroom, ignoring Bucky’s protests and “but the music!”s.

“I swear to god, Tony, if you pull out your dick I’ll punch you,” he grumbled, trying to catch a last glance at Steve over his shoulder before Tony closed the door behind him but he was nowhere to be seen.

“Please, you’re not my type. No, here, look!” Tony made an expansive gesture at dozens of drafts and layouts that littered his corkboard.

Stepping closer, Bucky took in the layouts and finally picked up a piece of paper with a rough sketch of what looked like a full-body armour. “The hell’s that?”

“The thing that’ll make me rich. Or, well, rich _er_ , technically. Isn’t it awesome? Gonna start working on the prototype soon and I want you to help me with it.”

“Me?” Bucky looked up from the sketch and stared at Tony.

“Sure. You’re the most brilliant person I know when it comes to engineering. Beside myself, of course.”

Wow. Now Bucky was outright gaping at his friend. That had to be the biggest compliment Tony had ever made anybody, including his girlfriend. And he was sure that wasn’t just the alcohol talking. “But… I’m already working at the garage and with school and everything I barely have any time,” he said hesitantly. Those layouts and plans were amazing and if it really worked…

“Give up your job at the garage. I’ll pay you.”

“I don’t… Tony, you can’t do that.”

“Sure I can. At least think ‘bout it, ‘kay? We can talk about this another time, c’mon, I need another drink.”

Still stunned, Bucky followed Tony back into the living room and accepted a full glass. Only when he’d taken a swig he realised it was the hellish stuff Thor loved so much and he coughed. He searched the room for Steve and eventually spotted him in a corner with Wade – and Peggy. Steve had an arm around her shoulders and she was leaning into him. Bucky quickly emptied half of the glass at once, ignoring the way the liquid burned down his throat.

He made his way over to the small group as some bad pop song started playing and stopped right next to Steve, leaning into his free side. “Dance with me now?” he asked and nuzzled Steve’s neck with his nose.

“You hate this song.”

“Still wanna dance, though.”

“I told you, Buck, I don’t dance.”

Bucky pouted. “You suck.”

“And you’re drunk and handsy again,” Steve teased and got a hold of Bucky’s hand that was slowly making its way down Steve’s back towards his ass.

“So what if I am, ‘s no fun anyway.”

Peggy leaned forward and smiled at him. “Hey, Bucky, you wanna dance with me?”

Without even thinking about it, Bucky simply said, “Nope,” turned around and left them standing with Wade who looked utterly confused to head towards one of the sofas. There he slumped down and drank the rest of whatever it was Thor had brought with him. He had just made a complete idiot of himself. The evening could barely get any worse.

“You look like you need another one of these,” an unfamiliar voice suddenly said to his left.

Bucky looked up to find a guy he’d never seen before smiling sympathetically at him. He quickly looked him up and down – dark tousled hair, gentle brown eyes, five o’clock shadow, kinda cute face, slender but still muscular – and smiled back. Not necessarily his type but that guy had something about him that Bucky liked. “You’re not wrong,” he replied and was about to get up but the guy softly pushed him back into the cushions.

“Wait here, I’ll get us some drinks. Be right back.”

As he made his way to the kitchen Bucky’s eyes followed him. The guy had a really nice ass, he had to admit that. And Steve didn’t care about him anyway, he was busy laughing about whatever Peggy had just said, Bucky saw from the corner of his eye, so what the hell. Might as well give this guy a shot.

Nice Ass strolled back a few moments later, two glasses in his hands, and handed one of them to Bucky before he sat down next to him. They clinked glasses and Bucky took a deep swig. The guy coughed and pulled a face. “Okay, what the hell’s that?”

“No fuckin’ clue, Thor always brings this stuff.” Bucky grinned. “Never seen you at one of Tony’s parties before.”

“Clint invited me, said there’s some cool people here I should meet. Guess he wasn’t wrong.” He smirked at Bucky and let his eyes roam over his body, checking him out blatantly. Bucky was glad he’d chosen a pair of his skinniest jeans for tonight. “So, honestly, what do think of this music?”

“Huh? Uh, well, ‘s not really my genre but y’know, try to get those guys to play something good.”

The brunet chuckled and scooted a little closer. “Yeah, I bet. I’d rather listen to Metallica or something.”

“Don’t exactly look like a metaller,” Bucky commented and raised a brow.

“Don’t exactly look like an emo, either, ‘cept for the MCR shirt.”

“Fair enough. What else do you listen to?”

“Oh, y’know, mostly metal, some hard rock and punk. I like it hard and fast.” And then he grinned and Bucky was sure they weren’t just talking about music anymore. “So, the guy you’ve been glarin’ at earlier, he your boyfriend?”

Immediately Bucky glanced over to the corner where he’d last seen Steve but he wasn’t there anymore. Peggy was gone, too. “No. Definitely not,” he said resolutely and noticed that his tongue was starting to have trouble forming the words. One day he’d find out what the stuff Thor always offered everyone was.

“Good, ‘cause I really wanna kiss you right now,” Nice Ass said and damn him, somehow that turned Bucky on more than he would have expected.

“Well I certainly ain’t stoppin’ you.”

“Good,” the guy repeated quietly and leaned forward. His lips brushed over Bucky’s and Bucky could smell the alcohol on his breath but he didn’t care. He reached up, rested his free hand on the back of the guy’s neck and pulled him closer. Fingers tangled in his hair and Bucky moaned softly which the other guy immediately took advantage of by sliding his tongue between Bucky’s lips.

When Bucky finally had to pull back to catch his breath Nice Ass suggested, “How ‘bout we look for somewhere a li’l more private?”

“Fine with me.” Bucky let himself be pulled up, set his glass down on the coffee table while glancing around if he could spot Steve anywhere and then headed straight to Tony’s bedroom when there was no sign of his best friend.

As soon as the door had been closed Nice Ass cupped Bucky’s face and kissed him again, hard and dirty enough to make Bucky groan. Warm hands wandered down his chest and to his hips as the guy kept kissing him. Bucky drew back a little and started nipping on the guy’s jaw and neck just as he pulled Bucky closer and he could feel that he was just as hard in his jeans. Then he was being pushed backwards and landed on the edge of Tony’s bed. Nice Ass didn’t waste a single second, he kneeled down in front of Bucky, one hand undoing his belt while the other pushed up his shirt and he peppered kisses on Bucky’s stomach. Only moments later Bucky’s fly was undone and he lifted his hips so that Nice Ass could drag his jeans and boxers down.

“Fuck,” Bucky breathed as the guy took a hold of him and slowly started to stroke him while looking up at him with those soft brown eyes that were so unlike Steve’s. He groaned again, this time not from lust but because he really didn’t want to think about Steve right now. Luckily that train of thought vanished as soon as he felt a tongue licking over the head of his dick and he buried his hands in soft, brown hair. He closed his eyes and whimpered quietly when the guy wrapped his lips around his dick. It had been so long, he hadn’t fooled around with anyone since he’d finally admitted to himself that he was in love with Steve.

No, he was not going to think about Steve, not now.

Carefully, tentatively, he thrust his hips up a little which earned him a moan that sent sparks right down his spine. Bucky bit his lip hard. The music outside the room was loud but that didn’t mean he needed to push his luck, it was better to stay quiet so the only sound he allowed himself to make was a sigh in the back of his throat. The only things that mattered now were those lips around him, slowly swallowing him down, the heat engulfing him, the tongue running along the underside of his dick and the soft noises the brunet made. He was so focused on these sensations that he didn’t notice the music getting louder and the room getting a little lighter behind his eyelids at first. When he finally realised that he could now understand every word the singer sang he opened his eyes to find the door of Tony’s bedroom half open. Standing in the doorway was a familiar figure.

Steve stared at him with wide, shocked eyes and even in the backlight Bucky could see his face turn bright red. Steve opened his mouth like he wanted to say something but not a single word came over his lips. Then he took an uncertain step back, turned on his heel and hurried out of sight.

For half a second, Bucky was frozen in place, then he cursed loudly and pushed the guy kneeling between his legs away.

“What the –?” But Bucky only cursed again, not even sure what exactly he was saying, and pulled his boxers and jeans up with some difficulty. He had to talk to Steve, right now, before… He wasn’t even sure what might happen otherwise but he knew he needed to see him immediately as he stormed towards the door.

“You said he wasn’t your boyfriend!” Nice Ass called after him.

Doesn’t mean he was supposed to fucking see this, Bucky thought desperately but he didn’t take the time to stop and yell it at him. Sure, somewhere deep down he had wanted to hurt Steve just like Steve was hurting him by being all over Peggy but he certainly had not wanted Steve to catch him getting blown by some stranger whose name he didn’t even know.

He ignored the strange looks and questions of his friends as he ran past them. Steve wasn’t in the living room and Bucky was sure he must have left so he ran out into the hallway, down the flights of stairs and finally onto the dark street. Steve was a few dozen yards ahead of him so he sped up and yelled, “Steve!”

Steve didn’t react, he just kept walking, back tense, shoulders up as if to shelter himself from the cold, hands in the pockets of his jeans.

“Steve! Wait!” Bucky stumbled over the curbside and only just managed to catch himself on his hands and knees. “Please, let me explain!” He didn’t even know what exactly he wanted to say, just that he needed to say _something_ so Steve would stop, would look him in the eyes, and maybe, hopefully forgive him or at least stop being mad at him. Because that much was clear, Steve was _pissed_. Bucky could say that he’d only done it to make Steve jealous – which was true to some extent –, could tell him right here and now that he was utterly, helplessly in love with him but that that would never excuse what he’d done and that he knew that but Steve’s steps didn’t falter. “Stevie!”

Finally, finally Steve stopped and turned around to look at him. The dim light of the streetlight above him cast deep shadows on his face but despite that and despite the distance between them Bucky could see the cold look in Steve’s eyes. His heart stopped for several beats. Steve had never looked at him like that before.

“No, Bucky, fuck you. Or even better, fuck him.” With that he left Bucky kneeling in the dark, lonely street, staring after his best friend who had just said about the worst thing imaginable, shocked and bewildered. Never before had Steve reacted like this and Bucky’s alcohol-numbed brain had no idea what to make of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy frick, I did not intend to write almost 4000 words tonight... SInce it's now 3.30 am here and I have classes in a few hours this isn't properly edited yet so if you find any major mistakes please let me know :) Other than that, drama, very bad choices and more drama, oh my! (Also, Nice Ass might or might not be Matt Murdock if you squint hard enough)


	21. Chapter 21

Bucky had no idea how long he kept sitting on this goddamn street in the middle of the night. His palms where burning and he was getting cold but he just couldn’t make himself move. Instead he blankly stared into the darkness where Steve had disappeared and tried to wrap his mind around the fact that he had completely, utterly fucked up, and yet he wasn’t even sure how it had happened – or rather, why Steve had reacted this way. Bucky had never seen him this furious. At least not this furious at him.

He just didn’t get it. Steve had never much cared about Bucky’s hook-ups. Back when they had been younger he’d listened with fascination but eventually he’d just let Bucky talk and occasionally laughed or tried to get Bucky to shut up because he really didn’t need to know every little detail. Never before had he been mad at him because Bucky had some fun occasionally, and he honestly doubted it was just because Steve had accidentally walked in on him. That just wasn’t like Steve.

But then he’d been thinking he’d known Steve better than he knew himself and oh, had he been wrong about that. First Steve’s sexuality, then the obvious crush he still had on Peggy even though he’d told him he was over her maybe a year ago, and then the secrets Steve was keeping from him.

Nevertheless Steve had no right to react like this. What the hell was he even thinking?! It was none of his fucking business who Bucky decided to make out or have sex or whatever with. After all, Steve had Peggy, and Bucky had… well, no one, really, so he had to make do with whoever was interested for a night.

Fuck Steve. Yeah. Bucky snorted.

If only, the evil little voice in his mind taunted, and Bucky clenched his hands into fists.

The sudden ringing of his phone disrupting the eerie silence around him scared the hell out of him and he pulled it out of his pocket with shaking fingers, simultaneously praying it was Steve and determined to let it go to voice mail. It would serve him right. But there was no denying the disappointment and anger when he saw Natasha’s name instead. Not even bothering to answer the call, Bucky pocketed his phone again and slowly sat up. He didn’t want to talk to anyone right now. Except for Steve, but mostly to yell at him. Because he had no right to make Bucky feel like a piece of shit for getting some action for the first time in months, even if it was at Tony’s party, in Tony’s bed. And yet there was another part of him that wanted to crawl all the way to Steve’s apartment and beg him for forgiveness, beg him to forget what he’d seen and continue as if nothing had ever happened.

Shit. Half of his stuff was still at Steve’s place, including his wallet, his bike and some clothes. Since he tended to get a lot of stupid ideas when he was drunk he’d started leaving his wallet at home – or Steve’s apartment, which was home, too, or at least had been until tonight – so he wouldn’t wake up completely broke or in an entirely different city (that was a story for another time). Maybe he could sweet talk Natasha into stopping by Steve’s apartment and getting his stuff for him the next morning.

Speaking of, in this exact moment his phone rang again and he was positive it was his second best friend (or now best friend? He didn’t even know anymore…) trying to reach him again so he ignored it and just hummed along to the jingle.

If he just sat here long enough maybe a car would come and run him over. That would serve him right. Maybe he’d survive and wake up in a hospital and Steve would be by his side, tears in his stupidly beautiful eyes and telling him he was in love with him, too. He snorted again. As if _that_ would ever happen.

His goddamn mobile started its jingling once more and Bucky clenched his teeth. He would not answer it. This time, though, he was almost sure he could hear something else. No car, unfortunately, but footsteps, and sure enough, a moment later a voice called out, “James Buchanan Barnes, what the _fuck_ do you think you’re doing here?!”

He didn’t have the strength to lift his head and look up as Natasha stopped right next to him.

“Please tell me this is not about Steve running out of Tony’s place looking like he was on his way to murder someone,” she said as she squatted down in front of him.

All Bucky could do was shrug softly.

“What the hell happened?”

Another shrug.

“Talk to me, Barnes, or I’ll personally drag you to Steve and make you _both_ tell me.”

Bucky stared into space, hoping she would just leave him alone, but Natasha wouldn’t have it. She put a finger underneath his chin and gently forced him to look up at her. “Does this have anything to do with a certain guy with sex hair coming out of Tony’s bedroom a minute after you and Steve were gone?”

A pathetic noise escaped Bucky’s lips but he still didn’t say a word. Too willingly he would like to blame that guy for what had happened but the truth was that he knew it wasn’t anyone’s fault but his own. He should never have kissed him, should have said that Steve was in fact his boyfriend and most importantly, should never have dragged him into Tony’s bedroom and let him take his dick in his mouth. He could have said no at any point but he hadn’t and the only person to blame for that was Bucky himself.

As always, Natasha stayed pragmatic even in situations like this one and kept her cool, even though Bucky was sure she had drunk a whole lot herself. He was convinced she’d do anything to get to the bottom of this. “Did you have sex with that guy?”

Bucky wanted to be offended that Nat would ask such a question even though she knew exactly how he felt for Steve but if he was completely honest he also knew he might have let it come to that if Steve hadn’t burst into the room so he just shook his head.

“Did you two do anything else? Anything stupid?”

A soft nod.

“And Steve saw it?”

Another nod, followed by a sniffle. God damn it, he was not going to cry.

Natasha sighed and all of a sudden she looked exhausted. “I don’t have to tell you how much of an idiot you are, do I?”

Bucky shook his head. He knew that already. That stupid stunt had just cost him his best friend and the love of his life (yes, he was convinced that that was exactly what Steve was to him) and he probably even deserved it, even if he still couldn’t quite figure out why. It would surely all make sense again when he was sober.

“Listen, I won’t pity you and I won’t tell you it’s okay what you did or that Steve overreacted ‘cause you’re both fucking morons. I’m not gonna stand between you. But I’m gonna bring you home now and make sure you get some sleep.”

“Don’t wanna go home,” Bucky rasped, somewhat surprised that his voice was still working.

“Fine, then you’ll come with me.”

Wrapping his arms around his legs, Bucky curled in on himself and rested his forehead on his knees. “I don’t deserve this.”

Natasha took his hands and pulled him onto his feet without getting any resistance. Not that it would have mattered, Bucky knew she could end him if she wanted to. “You don’t deserve to get run over, either. Plus I promised your sister I’d take care of you.” When he gave her a look of confusion she briefly told him that Rebecca had called on Tuesday and told her she knew the truth before asking Nat to look after Bucky. Of course Natasha had promised she would do just that. Nonetheless she refused to take sides. “Since I found you here and not him I’m taking you home. I’d do the same for him, just so you know. Now let’s go back to Tony’s to pick up your stuff, okay? And we can make someone call Steve so we know he’s okay. He’s not answering my calls, either.”

Bucky winced at Steve’s name and frantically shook his head. “Don’t say that,” he croaked. His attempts to pull away were futile, though, Natasha’s grip around Bucky’s wrists only tightened.

“Don’t say what?”

“Don’t say his name.”

“Now you’re ridiculous. Of course I’m gonna call Steve by his name.”

“No, from now on it’s he-who-must-not-be-named.”

Natasha looked at him incredulously, then she snorted a laugh. “No offense but I think Steve’s not nearly as bad as Voldemort. Now come on, it’s getting cold out here.”

Bucky didn’t move an inch. “Don’t wanna go to Tony’s. He can just bring me my stuff next week. Don’t wanna see any of ‘em.”

Shaking her head, Natasha heaved a sigh and gave in. “Fine, then we’ll go straight to my place. C’mon, dumbass.” She wrapped an arm around his waist and they slowly made their way down the street.

They passed by a group of late night party-goers every now and then but Bucky barely registered anything but the pain in his chest and the rage in his stomach. His body couldn’t decide if he should break down crying or throw a fit and his mind was racing a thousand miles a minute, still vainly trying to make sense of Steve’s reaction. He honestly did not understand it. He just didn’t get why Steve would freak out like this over a simple blow job that he’d witnessed. In fact, he didn’t even get what Steve had been doing there in the first place. Why had he just barged in like that?!

But that was a question for another day. He had to get Steve back. Or better, Steve should fucking apologise because Bucky had done nothing wrong. It was really all Steve’s fault. Well, most of it at least. Steve should be the one to try and win Bucky back. But somehow Bucky knew Steve wouldn’t do that; he couldn’t say why but there was this feeling in his gut that told him Steve would not make the first step. Goddamn idiot. Steve was far too stubborn and the look he had given him had been one of disappointment mixed with a good dose of hatred.

But if Steve didn’t apologise and explain himself and Bucky wouldn’t try to make whatever he’d done wrong right again, then what would happen? This couldn’t be over, it just couldn’t. Without a warning and without even meaning to, Bucky let out a sob and clutched Natasha’s arm harder.

Losing Steve seemed like the end of the world.

“Hey, shh, we’re almost there. I don’t have any tissues with me so please wait with the crying, ‘kay?” Natasha smiled softly and rumpled up Bucky’s hair. “You’ll get through this. And you two will make it right. ‘s not like you could live without each other and you and Ste-”

“He-who-must-not-be-named,” Bucky sniffled weakly.

“…you and Steve both know that,” Natasha continued without acknowleding Bucky’s interruption. She finally stopped in front of her apartment building, searched for her keys and then let them inside. Bucky followed her into her basement apartment, almost missing a step in the process, and headed straight to her bed to fall face first onto it.

“You know I have a couch,” she reminded him, kicked off her shoes and went to get both of them a glass of water.

“Nooo… Please don’t leave me tonight, too. Please. Don’t make me lose two people.”

Muttering something under her breath that Bucky didn’t catch, Natasha went to the bathroom to remove her make-up and brush her teeth. When she returned Bucky had managed to take off his boots and jeans and cuddled into her bed. The sheets smelled like her and the familiarity of it finally calmed him down a little. It also helped that he had found her headphones under the night stand, put them on and hummed along to Sum 41 as Nat crawled into bed next to him.

“You think depressing music is helpful right now?”

Bucky pulled one of the headphones away long enough to inform her, “Yes. I’m grieving.”

She rolled her eyes but thankfully didn’t comment on it. Instead she switched off the light and pulled the covers over them. Bucky stopped humming so he wouldn’t disturb her and closed his eyes but his mind immediately went back to how Steve had looked at him, a look he would never forget.

He skipped the rest of the song in hopes of getting his mind off of Steve with something faster and happier even though he knew it wouldn’t work, and really, the next song was even worse. He probably deserved it, deserved to suffer, Bucky thought grimly.

Natasha nudged him; apparently she could still hear some of the music, but when Bucky turned down the volume she pulled the headphones off his ears. “You haven’t just come home from war after losing your lover so turn that shit off.”

“But I lost St… him-who-must-not be named.” He tried to snatch the headphones back but she stretched her arm out of his reach.

“Stop being overdramatic. This isn’t a war and you didn’t lose Steve forever so this whole song is absolutely unsuitable.”

“Love is a battlefield,” Bucky grumbled and crossed his arms even though she couldn’t see it underneath the blankets. He knew he wasn’t making any sense and annoying Natasha wouldn’t make anything better, either, but somehow he just couldn’t help it. He’d lost complete control over himself and this damned emotional rollercoaster wasn’t stopping anytime soon. His mind was still going from feeling treated unjustly and being mad at everything and everyone to being desperate and praying Steve would show up at Nat’s doorstep and tell him they were okay and back again.

“You’re full of shit. Turn this song off, I wanna sleep.”

Begrudgingly, Bucky obliged and decided to switch off his phone so he wouldn’t check it for a message from Steve every five minutes. They lay next to each other in silence for a while before Bucky whispered, “Nat?”

“Hm?”

“Can you spoon me?”

Natasha grumbled something but rolled onto her side and put an arm over Bucky’s waist to pull him close.

“Thank you,” he murmured so quietly that he wasn’t sure if she’d hear him. He didn’t have the words to tell her how grateful he was that he didn’t have to be alone tonight.

***

Since Natasha had downright refused to go to Steve’s place and get Bucky’s stuff for him and he certainly didn’t feel like talking about yesterday’s mess with anyone else Bucky was forced to get his things back himself. He had put off going to Steve’s as long as possible (or, more precisely, until Natasha had kicked him out of her apartment and told him to get a grip and just talk to him) but late in the afternoon he was finally on his way.

The closer he got to his destination the more his anxiety and anger grew. He still couldn’t decide whether he should be pissed at Steve or heartbroken, which made it even harder to figure out what the hell he was supposed to do or say. Right now, his mood changed with each passing minute and the only things that stayed were the lump in his throat and the erratic beating of his heart.

Bucky just didn’t know how to feel, much less how to deal with this entire fucked up situation. He was not going to break down and cry, that much was sure, but other than that… He honestly didn’t know if he should yell at Steve or hug him and beg for forgiveness. No, he wouldn’t do that either because he still didn’t see what the hell he might have done wrong. It still make any sense, after all it was none of Steve’s business where, when and by whom he got blown, he told himself as he arrived at the building. Like most days, the front door was unlocked so Bucky walked straight inside and climbed the stairs. They seemed longer than usual, giving him more unnecessary time to worry about what would happen when he reached the landing.

As it turned out, all of his pondering was rather unnecessary. For a few moments Bucky hesitated right in front of Steve’s door, then he took a deep breath and knocked. Immediately the door was torn open as if Steve had been waiting right behind it and for a second Bucky was relieved. Then Steve shoved his backpack into his hands, a murderous expression on his face. “Here’s your shit,” he growled before taking a step back and slamming the door right in Bucky’s face.

Bucky was so shocked that he stood frozen for several heartbeats, trying to comprehend what had just happened. He clenched his hands around his backpack and suddenly all he felt was raging anger. The desperation and heartbreak had vanished at once.

“What the _fuck_ , Steve?” he yelled, not giving a single damn that the entire house could probably hear him.

The space behind the door stayed quiet.

“What the fuck is your problem, huh?! What the hell did I do to you?”

Still no answer.

“Steve, open the goddamn door, I know you can hear me!”

This time the door actually flew open and suddenly Steve’s face was only inches from Bucky’s. “Get the hell out of this house and leave me the fuck alone,” he growled and his voice was dangerously low.

Bucky knew this tone, it meant trouble for everyone it was directed at, but he didn’t care.  He wouldn’t back off that easily. “What the –?!”

“FUCK OFF!” _Bam!_ The door slammed closed for the second time and Bucky winced. He certainly hadn’t seen that coming.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I currently am an overheated mess running on caffeine at four in the morning so please don't hate me, it's way too fucking warm but I wanted to get this one out. (Drunk) Bucky is a confused emotional mess who doesn't know who he should blame for the situation he finds himself in. The songs he listens to in this chapter are Pieces by Sum 41 and MCR's The Ghost of You. Last but not least your comments mean the world to me so thank you so much to everyone who comes to talk to me about this and thanks for all the lovely notes on the last chapter c:


	22. Chapter 22

His life was a disaster, Bucky thought as he dropped his bike. He wasn’t sure how he’d gotten here but somehow he ended up in front of the garage, out of breath from making his way over so fast. At least he was getting some workout thanks to all of his mess. Ha. Working on his car, however, wasn’t enough to calm him down right now. He crossed the street, dialled Natasha’s number and waited for her to pick up. 

“How’d it –?” But Natasha didn’t even get to finish her question.

“Can you meet me at work? Gotta blow off steam.”

“I’ll be there in fifteen.” That was one of the things he loved about Nat, she didn’t ask and he knew she would give him time until he was ready to tell her now that she knew it had gone anything but well.

Bucky sat down on the curbside and squinted angrily against the sunlight. The weather was far too nice, there were birds singing in a nearby tree and he could hear children laughing in the distance. How absolutely unfair that everyone else was having a nice day and carried on with their lives when his own had just shattered into pieces. He wanted everything to be grey and dull not, or better yet, a thunderstorm to browse over the city, drench him until he was soaked to the bone and drown out every other sound. He wasn’t sad and heartbroken anymore, no, he was far beyond that. He didn’t think he’d ever been this furious at anyone in his entire life.

For a second or two he had stared at the door right in front of his nose in shock, then he had started yelling and cursing again until the old woman on the other side of the hallway had threatened to call the police if he didn’t stop. Steve hadn’t made a single sound behind the closed door. The ride over here was a blur, the only thing he remembered was a car only missing him by a few inches when he’d crossed a junction without looking left or right and the driver yelling obscenities after him. But that didn’t matter.

Steve had slammed the door shut in his face, and Bucky still couldn’t believe it. Who did he think he was?! Bucky at least deserved an explanation, didn’t he? Because he could just not make sense of any of this. What the hell had he done to Steve? He’d briefly considered that Steve might know the guy Bucky had tried to hook up with but that wouldn’t explain his reaction, either – unless they were mortal enemies, maybe, but he was sure he would have known about anything like that (and this wasn’t some kind of superhero movie, people usually didn’t have mortal enemies). So what if Bucky had a little fun once in a while? It wasn’t like Steve cared about anything else Bucky did at the moment, after all. Everything was just about Peggy; he was following her around like a lost duckling and was probably even spending time with her right now.

Something gently nudged his side, effectively bringing him back to reality, and he looked up to see Natasha meeting his eyes with a worried expression. “Judging by your ‘I want to murder everyone’ face I take it it didn’t go well?”

Bucky shook his head. He wasn’t ready to talk about it yet, first he had to get some punches in. Luckily, Nat understood and unlocked the door without further ado and let him enter the gym. She followed him inside, told him to take his shoes off and held him back before he could start boxing one of the punching bags.

“Nuh-uh. I’m not gonna let you hurt yourself just ‘cause you’re mad at Steve or yourself or the whole world.” Pulling wraps from her bag she made a gesture for him to come over to her. With quick fingers she wrapped up his hands, then she clapped him on the shoulder. “Now you can punch away.”

And Bucky did. He didn’t know how long he worked the punching bag but he was panting heavily and drenched in sweat when he finally took a break and slumped down on the ground, thankfully accepting the bottle of water Natasha handed him. His arms hurt from the workout but he barely felt any better.

“You want to tell me what happened now?” Nat asked and sat cross-legged next to him.

“He gave me my stuff and slammed the door in my face is what happened,” Bucky growled between gulps of water. “And he told me to leave him the fuck alone when I asked him what I’d done. Told me to fuck off.”

Just for a moment disbelief crossed Natashas’s face, then she composed herself. “He didn’t say it like that, did he?”

“You better believe he damn well did. Didn’t give my any explanation or even the chance to say something myself. Just shut the door again and left me there.” He clenched his teeth and slammed a fist on the ground.

“Maybe you two should take a few days to cool off and have a conversation about whatever was going on afterwards. I’m sure there’s an explanation,” she said gently but there was something else in her voice as well, something Bucky couldn’t quite pinpoint.

He raised his head and eyed her closely, brows drawn together. “Do you know what’s wrong with him? Did he tell you anything?”

“I haven’t spoken to him since before he left. And I think this is something you and him have to figure out.”

“You know something,” he stated stubbornly.

“I don’t know anything for sure. But yeah, I have a guess.”

“What is it?”

Natasha tilted her head a little and looked at him for several seconds, then she got up gracefully. “I won’t tell you. Talk to him.”

“How am I supposed to talk to him when he won’t listen?!”

“Make him want to listen. Apologise.”

“For what?! Since when is this my fault? I don’t even know why he’s pissed!”

Shaking her head as if she was tired of having to explain everything, Nat calmly said, “James, believe me when I say I love you with all my heart, but you’re so goddamn stupid and it’s about fucking time to pull your head out of your ass.”

Bucky looked at her uncomprehendingly. “What’s that supposed to mean?” 

“That means you should go back to his place and make him listen.” A small grin lit up her face. “You could tie him up and gag him. That always works.”

“Ha ha.” He ran his hands over his face and sighed. He was exhausted and everything he wanted was for all of his problems to vanish into thin air. But that wouldn’t happen. “Can’t you just tell me what you think his problem is? Please?” he begged.

“Nope. But I can take your mind off of him for a while. C’mon, get your ass up.” She reached out a hand and hauled him off the ground with ease. “Fight me.”

“What?”

“You heard me. Give it all you got.”

“I’m not gonna fight you,” Bucky grumbled.

To his surprise she nodded. “Right, not in skinny jeans. Take ‘em off.”

“Nat, I don’t wanna…”

“Well I certainly want to kick your ass right now so take off your pants.”

“You’re sending very mixed signals here,” he tried to joke but Natasha was already walking past the small changing room, glaring at him over her shoulder. 

“I think we have some shorts in the office, they might be a little big but they’ll make do.”

A few minutes later Bucky had to admit that Natasha was right; having to duck and block her punches and trying to land some of his own was a lot better than stupidly flailing at the punching bag. He soon lost count of how many times she hit him, spurred him on to keep his guard up and knocked him onto his ass because he wasn’t paying enough attention. Eventually he somehow managed to kick out her legs from under her and pin her down and for a moment he was so surprised that he didn’t know what to do. Of course Natasha used his hesitation, flipped them around and pinned Bucky face first against the ground, a knee pressed into the small of his back.

“Promise me you’ll talk to him and you idiots make this right,” she said, unlike him barely out of breath, and the pressure on his back increased a little.

Bucky grunted and wriggled underneath her but she didn’t let go. “Not fair,” he whined.

“I don’t care. Promise me.”

“Fine, I’ll… I’ll try, okay?”

“Good.” Immediately, she let go and jumped up. “If you need help with tying him up let me know, I’m sure I have some rope back home.”

Rubbing the sore spot on his back where her knee had been just moments before, Bucky slowly sat up and grimaced. He honestly didn’t want to know what Natasha usually used that rope for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At this point I really just wanna say thank you guys so so so much for all of your comments on the last chapter, they made my terrible day a whole lot better. I also hope you liked Natasha verbally and physically kicking Bucky's ass. She might have to do that with Steve, too...  
> If everything works out there might be another chapter tonight :)


	23. Chapter 23

The days went by without Bucky hearing anything from Steve. He didn’t call, didn’t text, nothing. And Bucky sure as hell wouldn’t make the first step, no matter what he’d promised Nat. Steve was the one acting like a complete asshole and Bucky was still mad at him. But deep down he also couldn’t deny that he missed him. It was worse than last time, knowing that there was some unspoken thing hanging between them – and that Peggy was there, probably comforting Steve.

When Friday came around Bucky’s plan was to stay at the garage working on his car till late at night despite the early summer heat. He wouldn’t come crawling, no way, so this was how he ended up covered in grease and sweat, loudly singing along to deafening music at ten in the evening and elbow deep in his beauty’s engine instead of on Steve’s sofa watching bad horror films or animated movies. That was another one of the good things about working at the garage – when his co-workers had left he could turn the music as loud as he wanted and nobody would care since the neighbourhood mostly consisted of stores and office buildings and no one was there on a Friday night. And yelling along to loud, angry music was therapeutic, almost cathartic.

For the first time in days Bucky felt somewhat happy again – but it wouldn’t last long.

When he finally decided to call it a day it was just after midnight. He packed away his tools, cleaned off as much as possible and turned off the music. The night was clear and still warm so he took his time walking back home, listening to the blaring of far off sirens and groups of people laughing. He had made a lot of progress on his car this week, spending every free minute on rebuilding the engine to its former glory, probably the only good thing coming from this whole mess.

Once he was home and had taken a shower he got comfortable on his bed and booted up his laptop to binge watch an old TV show. Absentmindedly he reached for his phone which he had left at home this morning so he’d stop checking it for texts that never came. When the screen lit up now, though, his stomach clenched.

One missed call.

From Steve.

He dropped his mobile on the mattress and scooted to the far end of the bed as if the phone had bitten him. It seemed like Steve hadn’t left a voice message so Bucky had no clue what he’d wanted. Steve surely hadn’t expected him to just show up today after all, not with how their last encounter had ended.

Perhaps he had called to apologise?

Bucky had no idea. A part of him wanted to call back and hear his (former?) best friend’s voice again but he told himself if Steve truly wanted to talk to him he’d call again. If it had been about something really important, news about Sarah maybe, he definitely would have left a message. But he hadn’t and Bucky would not call him back. It was Steve’s turn to make a move, a real one, and if this, all of their years and experiences together, still meant anything to him he would have to get of his ass and do something.

***

Bucky had spent his Saturday morning working an extra shift at the garage just to keep himself busy – not that he needed it, really, his days were already packed with projects and presentations for his classes but those just didn’t do the job of keeping him distracted. On his way home he replied to Tony’s latest text asking him if he’d thought about helping him build his metal suit-thingy (“It’s not a suit-thingy, it’s a fully functional body armour, Buckaroo, there’s a difference”) and just so managed to keep him from stopping by. There was a project he could no longer put off waiting for him and he didn’t need Tony being all over it and giving unhelpful suggestions.

He was a few hours into his calculations and layouts when the doorbell rang. With an exasperated groan Bucky scuffled to the door and opened it. “Tony, I told you I don’t need comp- What are you doing here?!”

Finding Peggy standing in his doorway looking up at him, gorgeous as always, definitely was the last thing he had expected.

“Are you at least going to invite me in?” she asked with amusement and peeked past him into the mess that was his apartment. “Come on, Bucky, you’ve frankly been acting like a dick ever since I showed up here. Where’s the fun, charming guy from high school?”

“He left,” Bucky grumbled but stepped aside hesitantly. “I don’t have much time, though, gotta work on some school stuff.”

“That’s fine, I won’t be long.” Without commenting on the chaos, she strode straight over to Bucky’s bed, the only horizontal space besides the chair at his desk that wasn’t entirely littered with papers, books, clothes or other things, and sat down on the edge.

“Why are you here?” Bucky asked and sank into his chair. He wanted her out of his apartment, and sooner rather than later.

Peggy leaned forward, her eyes never leaving Bucky’s as she said, “I think you know exactly why. You know this situation with you and Steve can’t go on like this. You’ve been best friends for what now, seven years? Are you really going to let something like this ruin one of the most beautiful friendships I’ve ever seen?”

“I don’t even know what _this_ is!” he damn near shouted but Peggy did not bat an eye. “He refuses to talk to me!”

“He called you last night. He wanted to talk to you.”

“Oh, and you know that how? Were you with him?” The second the words were out Bucky wanted to take them back. Way to letting on just how much that thought pissed him off.

But Peggy just smiled and softly shook her head. “There’s really no reason to be jealous, Bucky. Yes, I was with him because he is still my friend and he needed someone to talk to.”

“I’m not jea-” Bucky started to protest but she cut him off.

“Bucky. Listen to me. I’m not interested in Steve. We’re just friends, that’s it. He told me he had a crush on me back when we were in school but that’s long over. So please, go talk to him. He is devastated.”

Bucky snorted incredulously. “Sure as hell didn’t sound devastated when I last saw him so why would he be now? ‘cause you told him you don’t like him that way?”

Peggy got up and crossed the short distance between the bed and the desk. She stopped right in front of Bucky and looked down at him with a strange expression. “When will you finally realise that I’m not the problem here? I’m not the bad guy, Bucky, and there’s something you and Steve really need to talk about. When you didn’t pick up last night he was positive you didn’t want to talk to him. Go see him, please.” She leaned down, kissed his cheek and a moment later the apartment door opened and then closed behind her, leaving Bucky utterly confused and completely unsure about what he should do. The only thing convincing him he hadn’t just imagined this whole conversation was the faint scent of her perfume that still lingered in the air.

Finally he decided that all of this was stupid and he had to go back to his project but his mind drifted back to the conversation again and again. Eventually he gave up trying to concentrate on the layouts. What had Peggy meant when she’d said she wasn’t the problem? After all it was her who Steve had hung out with most of last week, including at the party. Her words didn’t make any sense.

It took him another hour of pondering and changing his mind six times to grab his keys, pocket his phone and wallet and head down to get his bike. He wasn’t doing this for Peggy, no, he had promised Natasha he would talk to Steve. This was all for Nat because she had been there for him, just for her.

A queasy feeling accompanied him the entire ride to Steve’s place and only grew worse when Steve’s apartment building came in sight. Bucky chained up his bike outside and took a deep breath. Truth be told he was scared. Scared of losing his best friend for real. But some of the anger at Steve still hadn’t vanished, either, so he clenched his jaw and pushed open the front door.

This time he didn’t hesitate once he reached Steve’s apartment but after he’d knocked the door wasn’t immediately pulled open. Instead he heard quiet cursing as something heavy thumped on the ground and finally slow footsteps, then the door swung open. Steve looked like shit, and that meant a lot coming from Bucky because he thought Steve looked perfect pretty much all the time. Before he could ask why he looked like he’d slept in a dumpster, though, Steve narrowed his eyes.

“What do you want?”

Bucky instantly got a feeling that ‘devastated’ had been a bit of an exaggeration on Peggy’s part. Steve still seemed more pissed than anything else. But if he wanted to play that game, fine. Bucky could be as much of a stubborn ass as Steve was.

“Talk. To you,” Bucky ground out and added a, “Nat forced me” for good measure.

Steve snorted but actually stepped aside to let Bucky in. Good. At least they wouldn’t have to have this conversation through the door again, that was progress, right? Bucky followed him into the living room but stopped next to the door and leaned against the wall. Steve kept standing as well, arms crossed over his chest and watching Bucky intently for a minute or two.

“What the hell happened last week?” Bucky finally blurted out when he couldn’t take the tense silence anymore.

“You tell me. You’re the one who decided to get laid by some weird guy at Tony’s party.”

Stay calm, Bucky reminded himself, stay calm. “I’m sorry but I really don’t see how that could have offended you so much that you had to yell at me and tell me to go fuck myself.”

“Well maybe you should stop whoring around, especially in places where every one of our friends can see you, so people could actually start taking you seriously.”

Whoa. Okay. What? Had Steve really just said that? Bucky gaped at him and it took him a moment to wrap his mind around the words. Apparently Steve was just as shocked about his own words because he immediately held up his hands and stammered, “I, shit, that’s not…”

But Bucky didn’t let him finish; he took a step forward, balled his fists and spat, “Seriously, Steve, what the hell is your problem? I don’t get it. I didn’t ask you to burst into that room and watch and I honestly don’t understand why you’re being such a bitch about it. And who I sleep with is none of your concern.”

“You really wanna know what my problem is?”

“Yes, please, enlighten me! ‘cause I’m sick and tired of you dancing around the topic or lying to me.”

Steve clenched his teeth and took a deep breath to calm himself. “Everything’s always about getting laid and having sex with as many people as possible and it’s pissing me off that you have to go and find someone to hook up with at Tony’s parties.”

“I’m sorry but when the hell did my sex life become your business?”

“That’s not even the point!”

“Then tell me what the point is!”

“The point is that it’s so important to everyone, including you, that those who’re not interested in sex always get left behind,” Steve yelled. Ah, now they were getting somewhere.

“Oh, so it’s really about you?!”

“It’s not just about me. But let me tell you that it fucking sucks when you know exactly that the people you care about will never give you a chance ‘cause you don’t wanna have sex with them!” Oh, Bucky knew that tone. Steve was about to talk himself into a rage. “I know I can’t have anyone I like ‘cause they’d never want me since all that matters to them is sex and it’s fucking terrible, okay? You have no fucking idea how much it hurts to know I can never give them that and therefore they’d never be interested in anyone like me! And I’ve had to deal with that for _years!_ I thought something was wrong with me this whole time!”

What? Bucky was sure he must have misheard him. “Are you saying you’re mad at _me_ now because you got the brush-off from _Peggy?_ ”

“Who the fuck’s talking about Peggy?!”

Now Bucky could only stare at Steve, completely befuddled. He wasn’t following anymore. It was not about…? I’m not the problem here, she had said, but it still didn’t make any sense.

Steve continued unwaveringly. “All you’ve ever cared about was getting off and at first I didn’t even care, I thought people might be able to make it work even if one of them isn’t into all that physical stuff but clearly no one’s interested in that!”

Finally Bucky’s brain was at least catching up with parts of what Steve was yelling. Now he was pissed, too, no, more than that, it was his turn to be furious. “You’re telling me you really think all _I_ care about is sex? Are you fucking kidding me?!”

“It’s not like you’ve ever shown interest in anything else. You said it yourself, relationships just aren’t for you,” Steve retorted coldly.

“Because the only person I was ever seriously interested in was the one I never had a chance with! But it’s good to know what you really think of me! And let me tell you something: You’re a fucking asshole, Steve! I thought we knew each other but apparently I was wrong.”

“Oh come on, Bucky, as if you’d ever stick around with someone who wouldn’t even touch your dick.”

“Believe it or not, relationships are not about sex for me!” Bucky was shouting now as well. “I don’t want to be together with someone just to save me the trouble of finding another hook-up every other night! I honestly don’t know why this suddenly seems so hard for you to believe but I’m a person who has feelings and I actually want someone to share everything with! I want to know about their day, I want to know what made them smile while we were apart, I wanna wake up next to them and kiss them good morning and tell them I love them and cook for them and just hang out with them and watch movies and cuddle and the perfect relationship would just be me showing them how much they mean to me and showering them with affection. And that you really think that all I want is someone to stick my dick into is honestly the worst thing you could’ve ever said, like, seriously?! I really have no fucking idea where you got that notion.” He shook his head helplessly.

“You’ve never had a relationship that lasted more than two weeks! You probably can’t even count anymore how many hook-ups you’ve had!” Steve growled but now there was a hint of insecurity in his voice.

“Because I was trying to get my mind off of you! But it never worked!”

“What?!”

“What what? Are you really so blindly pining after Peggy that you still haven’t gotten that I’m head over heels in love with you? I adore you, asshole, or at least I did until like five minutes ago, but I always knew you’d never like me back like this and it’s been **hell**. I had to pretend that what I felt for you was nothing more than friendship! And then suddenly I didn’t have to pretend anymore, at least not the whole time, and I was enough of an idiot to allow myself to think about how it could be! I even managed to forget for a while that you’d _never_ be into me.”

“You… you’re…” Steve stammered and his face went pale.

“Yeah, well, cat’s out of the bag. Now go ahead, punch me or walk away or whatever you think you gotta do.”

Steve stared at him, disbelief and uncertainty plain on his face. “You have… You’re not… You don’t care about sex?”

“No, how many times do I have to tell you? I fucking don’t! Not when I really love someone, there are so many other ways to show them I love them! And that you’re thinking that’s all I care about is fucking offensive, you know that? Just ‘cause I’m bi doesn’t mean hooking up with guys and girls is the only thing that’s constantly on my mind. You’re so deep down in that stupid, self-pitying and self-righteous hole you dug yourself that you apparently didn’t even consider the possibility I might like people just for who they are, huh? Well fuck you, Steve, I love you and that does not mean I just want you for your body or whatever the hell it is you’re thinking. And unfortunately there’s nothing I can do about being in love with you and I hate it and I tried to make it stop but it never worked.” He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. “So thank you, really, thank you for showing me that you’re in fact not nearly as perfect as I thought you were. ‘cause now I finally might be able to walk away from you.”

For several seconds Steve just gaped at him, half a dozen different emotions flickering over his face. Then he took a step towards Bucky, slowly raised a hand and cupped Bucky’s cheek. Bucky almost flinched at the touch but he forced himself to stay still. Whatever Steve would do, he would endure it and then he’d leave, he told himself.

But then Steve did something Bucky would never have expected. He leaned forward and brushed his nose over Bucky’s cheek, pressed his lips against Bucky’s in a feather-light kiss and it finally, **_finally_** dawned on Bucky why Steve had been this mad the whole time. It had never been about Peggy. She wasn’t the one he’d been talking about.

How could he have been so dumb? Natasha had been right, his head had been completely up his ass.

What astounded him even more, though, was his own reaction; the fact that he took a step back, looked up at Steve and despite the lump in his throat his voice was firm as he said, “No. You don’t get to do that. Not after all of this.”

Steve took a shaky breath and whispered, “Buck, I…”

“We’ve known each other for more than seven years, Steve. Seven years. And you never once bothered to ask me what I wanted in a relationship and instead just assumed it’s just about getting some ass?”

This time, Steve’s kicked puppy look didn’t work. “I’m sorry,” he breathed. “Fuck, I’m so sorry. I’ve been such an idiot. I’ve been a complete asshole.”

“Yeah, you could say that.” Bucky didn’t know which was worse, the pain of being hurt by the most important person in his life or the disappointment in said person.

“What can I…? How can I make it right?” His fingers automatically reached for Bucky’s hands but Bucky quickly shoved them into his pockets.

His chest ached, his heart hurt so fucking much but he had to say it and he couldn’t do that with Steve holding his hands. But he owed it to himself. “I honestly don’t know, Steve. I have no idea. I’m not saying that all of this is to blame on you, I know that part of it is my fault, too, ‘cause I should’ve just fucking told you how I felt about you a long time ago. But I just… I can’t deal with this, not right now. I’m so done.”

“What does this…? Buck, what’re you saying?” Steve’s voice was so small and timid that Bucky just wanted to hug him and tell him it would be okay but he wouldn’t, _couldn’t_ do that right now

So instead he swallowed hard and forced himself to say, “I love you, Steve, but what you thought of me… I don’t deserve that, okay, I don’t deserve to be treated like that and I need some time to think about all of this. I have to figure out if I can forgive you because honestly, I don’t think anyone has ever said anything that terrible to me. And you’re my best friend. That makes it even worse.” His voice shook at the last syllable and he couldn’t look at Steve anymore.

“But Bucky…” Steve whispered before trailing off, clearly not knowing what he could say. Finally he finished with, “I’d do anything to make it okay. Anything.”

“Then give me some space.” Bucky’s hands trembled as he blindly reached for the door.

Steve looked after him with wide eyes, biting his lip so hard it started bleeding so he wouldn’t cry out in frustration and fear and despair, and watched as Bucky left. Watched as the best thing that had ever stepped into his life turned his back on him and walked away. When the apartment door quietly closed behind Bucky, Steve broke down on the floor, curled in on himself and whimpered. He had made Bucky leave him and the reality of it was like a sucker-punch straight to his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no excuses. *hides under a rock*


	24. Chapter 24

Steve barely managed to get out of bed the next day. He hadn’t gotten a wink of sleep – he could still hear the awful things he’d said ringing in his ears and the memory of his screaming match with Bucky had kept replaying in his mind over and over and over again. And the kiss, but that wasn’t important anymore. Steve wished he could take everything back, could turn back the clock and start over and have a normal conversation, like a responsible adult. He couldn’t believe things he’d said. Yes, he had still been mad at Bucky but that was no excuse and he knew that. The words had just come out, he hadn’t even thought about them and just vented his frustration on Bucky.

It would be a miracle if Bucky ever forgave him for that. 

Around noon Steve finally struggled out of bed, forced himself to take a quick shower and drove to the hospital. No matter how he felt, there was no way he would skip visitation. He barely looked any better than the day before but a clean shirt and fake smile plastered onto his face would have to do. Hopefully his mother wouldn’t see right through him. At least his eyes weren’t red anymore, he had stopped crying hours ago when he was simply too exhausted to let out more than broken sobs now and again. 

Over the course of one week he had lost his best friend, the most precious person in his life, and last night he had made sure Bucky had no reason to step back into it. And now Steve was on his way up to his mother in her too big bed in that too bright, sterile room where the fear of losing her as well constantly lingered in the air just like the smell of disinfectant. 

What was he supposed to tell her if she asked about Bucky? Knowing that their friendship was over – or that they’d broken up, he wouldn’t be able to tell her the relationship had been fake – would certainly devastate her. She loved Bucky like a second son. Maybe he could get him to visit her at least one more time so she could say goodbye. Because he was positive that after all the hurtful and offensive things he’d hurled at him Bucky wouldn’t come back. Bucky had loved him, but he wouldn’t come back. Steve had hurt him too much.

He walked through the familiar hallways of the ICU and softly knocked on the door to Sarah’s room, waited for her voice to ask him inside but nothing came. The terrible feeling in his gut grew even worse and he opened the door, afraid of what he would find. 

Sarah’s skin was almost as white as the bed sheets around her but this time the beeping of several monitors was reassuring instead of unnerving. Quietly, he pulled a chair up to her bed and sat down. He took her frail hand and it looked tiny in his own ones, nothing like he remembered it from before her hospitalisation. 

The touch woke her and she slowly opened her eyes to blink at him.

“Hey, Mom,” Steve whispered.

“Steve,” she rasped, her voice weak, but she smiled at him. “How are you, darling?”

“I’m good,” he lied. “And how are you? Still not getting bored of all those audiobooks?”

“No, it’s like they’re keeping me company. The only annoying thing is that I constantly fall asleep and have to start over because I don’t remember where I left off.”

Chuckling softly, Steve squeezed her hand. “You tell me when you need new ones.”

“I will do that. So tell me about your week. And how is Peggy?”

“She’s fine, enjoys being back for a bit. I saw her almost every day this week and we just hung out and talked, she has so many stories to tell about England and her friends there and her studies. Sharon was there a couple times, too. It’s real nice seeing them.”

“And Bucky wasn’t there?” Of course she would ask that.

Steve’s heart clenched at the name but he tried not to show it. “He’s… busy.”

“Oh.” Sarah knew her son well enough to notice the small change in his posture and raised her brows questioningly. “Is everything alright with him?”

“Yeah, you know him, he’s just got a bunch of stuff to do for all of his classes and work’s busy, too, and then Tony has this new weird idea, don’t exactly know what it is ‘cause he was pretty drunk when he rambled about it but he thinks it’ll be the invention that will make people see him for who he is and not just Howard Stark’s son, and he wants Bucky to help him building it.” It was honestly the last thing Steve wanted to talk about. Being here and seeing Sarah like this was hard enough but thinking about Bucky was even harder.

Unfortunately Sarah saw right through him; she knew something was eating away at him and she wouldn’t let him off the hook that easily. Wanting to help people was a trait Steve had inherited from her and sure enough she eyed him and asked, “Steve, what is wrong?”

“It’s all fine, Mom, don’t worry, okay?”

Sarah sat up in her bed with difficulty and Steve quickly propped another pillow behind her back. “You know you can tell me anything, sweetheart. Is this about Bucky?”

Wringing his hands in his lap, Steve looked everywhere but at his mother. He didn’t want to think about it, wanted to forget it had happened but he also knew had to face reality at some point and he’d always been able to talk to her about everything. She would listen patiently, let him tell his side of the story, and she wouldn’t judge him, not like everyone else, but he was ashamed, so ashamed of all the horrible thoughts he’d voiced. He didn’t even think this badly of Bucky but somehow the words had just gushed out; he hadn’t been able to stop them and the shock and anger about catching Bucky in the act had still been deep-seated.

“Steven, what happened?” Her voice was gentle but firm and she looked at him with worry in her pale eyes.

“I… I don’t know, Mom,” Steve mumbled and his throat was suddenly tight. “We had a fight. We were both so mad at each other and I said… I said some awful things to him and I don’t know why I did it, I really don’t, but it was horrible. And then he left. He’s gone and I don’t think he’ll ever come back.” His eyes started burning again.

Sarah reached out a hand and caressed Steve’s face. “Do you remember when you two had that fight in junior year and you didn’t talk to each other for three days until you sneaked out in the middle of the night to go see him because you couldn’t stand not talking to him? You almost gave me a heart attack in the morning because you were gone and with your health back then anything could have happened to you. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that first it seemed like the end of the world to you but you didn’t let your stubbornness or Bucky’s pride keep you apart for long and the next morning you were of one mind again. Your fights never last long, sweetheart, and I’m sure it’ll be okay. I can’t imagine a world where the two of you aren’t together.”

“This is different. He’s not gonna forgive me,” Steve sniffled and now tears were stinging in his eyes. He tried to blink them away.

For a few moments Sarah kept caressing Steve’s cheek and simply looked at him, then she asked, “What did you fight about?”

Closing his eyes, Steve took a deep, shaky breath. How could he tell her about the worst fuck-up of his life without her thinking he was a terrible person? And what could he say so she wouldn’t suspect that he and Bucky had never actually been together? Talking about how awful he had been to Bucky was bad enough, she really didn’t need to know that they had been lying to her for weeks now.

While Sarah waited patiently Steve stared at the ground. Then he finally swallowed the lump in his throat and mumbled, “I told him I don’t… like that he is so fixated on sex and that I can never give him that and that this whole being obsessed with sex thing fucking hurts me because I feel like he’ll never truly want me and I… I said I hated that he sleeps around so much. Slept around,” he corrected himself quickly. “Y’know, I don’t… I can’t even stand the idea of it so how could I ever make him truly happy?”

“Did he try to pressure you into anything?” Sarah asked cautiously.

“What? No! No, he wouldn’t do that.”

“I don’t want to assume I know what else was said and what had happened before, Steve, but you two should probably sit down together and have a talk about your boundaries. Be clear about what you want and what he wants and find a solution together. You’re both adults, I’m sure you can figure this out. And if he really cannot live without sex maybe…” She trailed off but Steve knew what she wanted to say. Maybe Bucky wasn’t the right partner for him.

He shook his head and continued to stare at his feet. “He’s not the problem, Mom, I am. I think I was wrong about him. And talking about boundaries won’t fix this. I… I basically called him a whore,” he whispered and his face burned in shame.

The room stayed silent for so long that Steve eventually peeked up at his mother. Sarah was observing him thoughtfully.

“Why would you do that?” she finally asked.

“I… I don’t know. Peggy says I did it because I’m ‘a bloody idiot who has to accept that wanting and having sex is nothing shameful’,” he muttered.

It had been almost two in the morning when he’d opened the door to find her standing right there after he had ignored her calls. He hadn’t had the heart to switch his phone off, pointlessly hoping Bucky might call, so it had been ringing for hours but he hadn’t picked up. Between crying, sniffling, blowing his nose and sobbing again he had eventually told her everything. After all, she was one of the most persistent people he knew and she had known about his crush on Bucky for weeks. Since she was the only one who knew both him and Bucky but wouldn’t tell Bucky everything he had called her one day and confessed that he had a crush on his best friend who was currently playing his fiancé. He didn’t know why it had taken him this long to acknowledge it, he could have realised it so much earlier, but somewhere between Bucky suggesting how he supposedly had asked Steve out (which was probably the most perfect way Steve could imagine) and holding Bucky’s hand for the first time it had dawned on him what the feelings he’d been suppressing for months really meant.

When Steve had finished telling Peggy every little detail about his fight with Bucky she had shaken her head disapprovingly and scolded him. How could he say such things to Bucky’s face, she’d asked, how could he just assume Bucky was a sex-obsessed monster, and then she’d brushed off his weak attempts at defending himself. When she had stopped hauling him over the coals (“because this certainly wasn’t what I meant by talking to him, Steve, I’m sorry but how could you?!”) she’d wrapped him up in her arms and let him quite literally cry on her shoulder, reassuring him that if he stopped acting like a prick he could get Bucky back. Steve hadn’t believed her. He’d lost Bucky forever.

“I’m sorry to say this, sweetheart, but judging by what you told me she’s right,” Sarah said quietly. 

Steve sniffled and buried his face in his hands. “But what do I do now?” he whimpered, his hands muffling his words.

“Nobody can tell you that, darling, but it would be a start if you thought about why you said those things to him and even more importantly, why you thought about him like that in the first place. Take some time to figure out why him enjoying sex bothers you so much that you lashed out.”

“What if he never comes back, though?”

“Do you love him?”

He nodded softly.

“Does he love you?”

“I… think so?” he mumbled but after everything that had happened he wasn’t sure anymore. Bucky had said he loved him, yeah, but he’d also said he’d tried to make it stop and he might now be able to move on. That statement hurt worse than everything else.

Sarah took his hands into hers and squeezed them reassuringly. “Then you’ll find a way to fix this. Do you remember what you two always say? ‘Till the end of the line’. When I look at you and Bucky I really, truly believe that. And you’re only just starting out.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, oh my goodness, thank you from the bottom of my heart for all those comments on last night's chapter, they mean so much to me and I am so happy that you actually enjoy this story and the drama. So after yesterday's awfully angsty and shocking confrontation, have a glimmer of hope... *catiously peeks out from under the rock* I hope you like it


	25. Chapter 25

It was like someone had pulled the rug out from under his feet. Bucky left Steve’s apartment feeling completely numb. He couldn’t wrap his mind around their conversation, couldn’t believe the things Steve had said. Was that really what his best friend thought of him? That he loved to sleep around without regard for anyone’s feelings?

He was so dazed that he barely registered where he was driving and eventually he realised he’d ended up in an entirely unfamiliar part of the city. It was getting dark and he had no clue where he was or for how long he’d been cycling so he stopped and pulled out his phone. No new messages, not that he’d expected Steve to call or text. He had been clear he wanted to be left alone. Leaning against a lamp post he look up the easiest way home. Another hour by bike. That suited him just fine, at least he couldn’t be bothered by anyone as long as he was on the road. Because knowing his friends, especially Natasha, they would try to talk to him as soon as they found out he’d gone to talk to Steve. By now the others had figured out something had happened at Tony’s party as well but except for Natasha (and therefor presumably Clint, too) no one knew any details. It didn’t happen often that two of them just left a party by storming out and not showing up again that night.

Bucky got on his bike again and headed home, avoiding busy streets as much as possible, and when he finally let himself into his tiny apartment the night had come. After opening all windows to have some background noise he shuffled into the kitchen to look for food. He didn’t feel like listening to music but the quietness of his apartment would drive him crazy. Having found a pack of cereals and milk that hadn’t gone bad yet he sat down on his day bed and absentmindedly started eating.

How could Steve say such awful things? Bucky had always thought their friendship was built on trust, understanding and mutual respect. He couldn’t help but wonder how long Steve had been thinking these things about him and it stung to think Steve had seen him in this horrible light perhaps for years. So much for respect. He snorted bitterly. It was like he didn’t even know Steve anymore.

Every moment they had spent together, every banter and deep conversation and touch and smile they’d shared and these thoughts had always lurked in the back of Steve’s mind? Had Steve been waiting for Bucky to pick up some cute guy or girl every second they had pretended to be a couple because he thought Bucky was obsessed with sex? Had he been afraid Bucky would try to throw himself at him while they had been sharing a bed? He had no idea how to answer these questions and it almost drove him mad.

For Bucky it had never been about sex, hell, all he had ever wanted was to show Steve what he meant to him, how Steve made him feel happy and free and always managed to cheer him up and how much Bucky loved him. Because it was love, dammit, and not just some instinctive physical attraction that would be satisfied if he could get into Steve’s pants just once. Knowing that Steve was ace hadn’t changed a thing, it wouldn’t have mattered to him.

He set down his cereal bowl, gathered the blankets around himself and cocooned himself in them. It was no comfort that Steve ~~maybe~~ probably somehow reciprocated his feelings if he loved him in this weird, twisted way because who could have feelings for someone while thinking so lowly of the person they supposedly were in love with? For the first time in five years Bucky wished Steve wouldn’t like him back. Then this entire mess would never have happened and they’d still be friends. Then he wouldn’t be cuddled up in his bed alone on a Saturday night, too shocked and too numb to cry, wondering what he’d done wrong and how Steve could be such an asshole. He just felt empty, like someone had torn out a part of his soul.

And the kiss? He didn’t even want to think about that because despite the awfulness of Steve’s words, despite all the cruel things he’d said, that kiss had been perfect. And he hated it.

Bucky rolled onto his other side and buried his face in his pillow. Secretly he wanted the anger and disappointment and hurt to come back. He wanted to scream and cry and punch things but he just couldn’t. Maybe they’d return when he’d really started processing this evening’s events but he definitely wasn’t that far yet. A part of him was still in denial, convinced that Steve, sweet, kind, righteous Steve would never think much less say such horrific things about anybody.

When his phone beeped twice to indicate a new message he switched it off without even checking who had texted him. He didn’t want to talk to anybody, and if someone (aka Natasha or hell, maybe even Peggy) decided to show up at his door again he would pretend he wasn’t there.

***

The first person to show up on his doorstep was in fact not Natasha but Becca. It was Sunday evening and Bucky had no idea how she had learned that something had happened. Judging by her pleas for him to open the door and her threats to kick Steve’s ass until he told her what was going on she knew he had seen him. The empty feeling still hadn’t made room for anything else and so far the only time he’d forced himself to leave his bed had been because he had had to use the bathroom. On his was back he’d grabbed a pack of cookies and so he was munching them while he listened to his sister telling him to open the fucking door. He felt a little bad about it but he didn’t want to talk to anybody. Eventually she announced she’d keep waiting and he could hear her sliding down onto the ground. She left late at night, telling him she’d be back tomorrow.

***

The next day he skipped his classes and called in sick at work. Dum Dum asked if everything was alright; he had noticed Bucky’s strange behaviour over the past week, but Bucky brushed him off by mumbling something about an upset stomach. Becca returned shortly before his shift would have ended and half an hour later Natasha joined her but he still didn’t get out of bed even though he hated leaving them in the dark. His stomach started grumbling from hunger.

***

On Wednesday he went back to college, telling himself he wouldn’t fail his classes because of Steve. He’d been working too damn hard. Unsurprisingly Tony headed him off after class, asking him why he hadn’t showed up for two days in an affectedly cheery tone. Bucky didn’t doubt Natasha had told him to ask what the hell was wrong. He shrugged and pushed past his friend, ignoring his protest and telling him he needed to go grocery shopping (which wasn’t a lie, he didn’t have one damn edible thing in his entire apartment anymore).

***

It was early Friday and the sun hadn’t risen yet when Bucky finally switched on his phone again. He hadn’t been able to sleep and figured he might at least let his mother know he was still alive. Since last weekend he had barely talked to anybody, had always managed to avoid coming home without running into Becca, Natasha or Sam who had started joining the two in front of his door.

There were two dozen calls and more than fifty texts from his mother, his sister and his friends but nothing from Steve, not even a peep. He was relieved and angry at the same time – sure, he had told  him he needed time but somewhere deep down he’d hoped that Steve would have called, begging him for forgiveness. Clenching his teeth he was about to throw the phone back to where it had been buried beneath the covers at the foot of the bed but he changed his mind. Instead he texted Nat, ignoring all of her worried messages, and just asked her if he could use the gym tonight to let off steam. After a moment of consideration he added that he wouldn’t come if she was planning on forcing him to talk. He hoped punching something would help him even though he didn’t exactly how. But finally, finally he was starting to get angry again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A rather short chapter but I just had to start writing Bucky's POV again - hope you like it c:


	26. Chapter 26

A well-aimed kick to the back of Bucky’s left knee made him bend over. Another hard push against his shoulder followed, then one of his wrists was grabbed and painfully twisted upwards as he was pushed against the ground. A split second later Natasha had him pinned down against the floor of the gym for the fourth time in a row and there was no way to escape. Clint hooted and cheered her on from the wall he was leaning against.

“What’d Steve do to you?” Nat asked right next to Bucky’s ear, her hair brushing over his face.

Bucky gasped for air and it was impossible to talk with the way Natasha was pushing him against the floor so all he could manage was a strangled “Hmpf?”

How did she know this time it was Steve who’d been a complete asshole and not Bucky? Usually it was Bucky who fucked things up.

“It’s been almost three weeks now, Barnes. Three fucking weeks and you and Steve still haven’t told us what happened. You’re both refusing to talk about it and I’m sick and tired. And before you tell me again that it’s none of my business let me tell you why it fucking is. You’re not talking to each other, you haven’t seen each other in weeks and you’re even avoiding being on campus at the same time so you won’t accidentally walk into each other – don’t look at me like this, Tony and Sam told me. You’re both fucking miserable and you’re annoying as shit. So what happened?”

“Babe, I think he can’t really breathe,” Clint noted casually, almost sounding bored. He was right, Natasha had leaned closer as she spoke, resulting in her weight pressing down on Bucky’s ribs even more.

“Whoops, my bad.” She let go of him, not sounding apologetic in the slightest.

Bucky quickly brought his arm up into a position that didn’t hurt like hell and rolled onto his back, taking a few deep breaths. He had noticed that Natasha was annoyed as soon as he’d stepped foot into the gym after his shift at the garage but he certainly hadn’t seen this coming. Never before had she pushed him this hard and his body was starting to be sore again. Coming to the gym after opening hours had become a regular thing over the past few weeks; Bucky worked the punching bag or got his ass kicked until he was so exhausted that he would come home and immediately fall asleep. It was the only way to get some sleep without dreaming about Steve every single night, he’d found, so he didn’t care too much that his body had been sore for the first days. The hard training had also made him better – what did not mean that Nat couldn’t still end him if she wanted to. And today she seemed awfully close.

Flopping down gracelessly next to Bucky, Clint raised a brow and poked a finger between his ribs. “Seriously, man, what’s going on? You’re totally letting yourself go. And that means a whole fucking lot coming from me,” he grinned and gestured at his stained T-shirt. It looked like he’d dropped at least one slice of pizza on it (which was probably the case).

Slowly Bucky sat up and snorted. Clint wasn’t exactly wrong but he wouldn’t admit it.

He couldn’t remember the last time he’d done laundry and he was running low on clean shirts and underwear. His hair had started growing out because he couldn’t be bothered to get it cut. His apartment looked like a bomb had exploded in his bed-/living room. The only reason why he wasn’t exclusively living on ramen noodles and hot pockets because he was too lazy to cook or go grocery shopping again was that Becca had brought him a food package their mother had packed for him the previous week – by now Winifred had noticed that something was wrong, too. He just hoped she didn’t know it was about Steve. Becca had left the package in front of his door when he’d refused once again to open it and he’d brought it inside after she’d left, finding several Tupperware containers with home cooked meals that he’d squeezed into his tiny freezer.

“Yeah,” Natasha agreed. “You look like shit warmed up and I refuse to let you keep acting like this. Either you fucking talk to us or, I don’t know, just _someone_ , or I will drag Steve all the way to your place and lock you two in your tiny excuse of a bathroom until you figure this crap out.”

When staring Nat down didn’t work Bucky growled, “Why don’t you go ask him what’s wrong?” He sure as hell would not tell her or Clint or anyone about the things Steve had said to him.

It wasn’t like he believed those words; Steve was wrong about him, he knew that. But sometimes, in the middle of the night, the evil voice in his mind started asking if there wasn’t a pinch of truth in Steve’s accusations. Not the just caring about sex part, no, but he had slept around an awful lot when he’d realised his feelings for Steve weren’t strictly platonic (one might say Bucky’s way of dealing with his crush had been anything but reasonable but damn him, he’d been sixteen and really stupid), trying to convince himself if he just fooled around with enough girls and the occasional boy this dumb crush on his best friend would disappear.

Of course it hadn’t worked and he’d caught himself more than once imagining it were actually Steve’s breathy moans when he was down on his knees blowing some boy he barely knew or Steve’s small hands touching his dick insecurely when he was with a girl. He still remembered the resounding slap when he’d accidentally groaned Steve’s name while a strawberry blonde girl that had been just as skinny as Steve had been on top of him. His eyes had snapped open and he’d been so shocked by this one word leaving his lips that he hadn’t even managed to stutter an apology. But it still was none of Steve’s or anyone else’s fucking business who he had slept with over the past few years, he always reminded himself.

“Oh, trust me, I have asked him” Natasha growled back, “but he’s just as stubborn as you.”

At those words Bucky’s heart did a little flip and he immediately cursed it for betraying him. Nat had seen Steve. He bit his tongue so he wouldn’t ask how he was, if he seemed okay. No way he was going to do that.

But he didn’t need to ask anyway as Natasha continued talking. “He somehow manages to look even worse than you and the only thing I could get out of him was some babbling about him doing wrong by you and being a heinous person.”

A tiny, tiny part of Bucky was secretly pleased that Steve felt terrible and was suffering, too. He deserved it. Nonetheless there was a much bigger part that just wanted to wrap Steve in his arms, cuddle up in his bed and mumble sweet nothings into his ear. No matter how much of a prejudiced jerk Steve had been, Bucky could not stop wanting to take care of him. He would always be protective of Steve, he just couldn’t help it. And he loved him too damn much to want him to be miserable.

***

Steve threw his sketchbook down on the table in frustration, startling the poor kid at the next table and causing the librarian to glare at him.

It wasn’t right, he couldn’t exactly say why, but it just didn’t look right. He stared down at the half finished sketch of Bucky’s face illuminated by the bright afternoon sunlight falling through the library window to his left. He had tried to draw him from memory – how peaceful and content he had looked when he’d been asleep and cuddled up against Steve in the guest room of his grandparents’ house. But something about his features was a little off and it bugged Steve more than it should.

He had drawn Bucky a thousand times over the years, could fill dozens of books with studies of his smile, coloured paintings of the way his eyes sparkled in the sun or lit up mischievously when Steve had one of his stupid ideas and Bucky loved it, how relaxed he looked when he was hanging out with Steve and watching TV, the small frown when he concentrated on his homework… Most of them were sketches of when Steve had been sure Bucky wasn’t looking. Some had captivated him so much he’d used them as reference for elaborate, colourful works. Bucky was his favourite model, not least because he was one of the prettiest people Steve had ever seen.

How it could have taken him so long to realise the reason why he often saw Bucky smile at him in his dreams, wrap his arm around Steve’s shoulders or laugh so hard he had to lean into Steve wasn’t because he was his best friend and he’d studied him so many times but because he loved the way Bucky made him feel, how he elicited butterflies in his stomach and made him blush when he looked into his eyes for too long (and he appreciated Bucky’s aesthetically pleasing physiognomy, sue him) he had no idea. It had taken him too long to acknowledge the fluttering of his heart when Bucky was with him and now Bucky was gone.

And Steve couldn’t figure out why his drawings didn’t look like Bucky anymore. Thumbing through the sketchbook, Steve’s heart ached. Every drawing, every sketch, every single line on paper reminded him of a certain moment they had spent together. And he’d thrown it all away.

For the seven hundredth time in almost three weeks he tapped his phone screen until he’d opened up his messenger and saw the last text Bucky had sent him.

**_Alright I’ll meet you at ur stupid drawing class. Tell ur mom I said hi_ **

_Will do_

Steve couldn’t quite believe it had been four weeks since he’d sent that last text.

He noticed that Bucky had changed his icon – where a picture of him and Steve had been only days ago was now the picture of words making up a figure that marched towards the left of the picture, baton in hand and panache on its head. Steve vaguely recognised the silhouette and the song lyrics seemed familiar as well. Reading the words stung more than he liked to admit to himself. But that wasn’t what he’d wanted to see anyway. If he wanted to look at photos of Bucky he would just have to open his camera roll. Approximately eighty percent of the photos showed him and Bucky together, smiling into the camera or pulling silly faces.

Hesitantly he tapped the text box at the bottom of the screen and stared at it, just like he’d done the last six hundred ninety nine times. He wanted to talk to Bucky, desperately, but he was too scared to call him and afraid that a text would be the last straw. That it would push his best friend away forever.

He set the phone down on the table, the messenger still open, and skimmed through his sketchbook once more, looking for a particular drawing. When he found it he rested his chin on his hands, stared down at it and thought back to when he’d captured that moment. It was Bucky sitting at the lake at his grandparents’ house. Not even forty-eight hours later Bucky had kissed him for the first time. For a moment Steve had thought he might faint. Sure, this first kiss had been far from perfect (because honestly, who wanted to be kissed for the first time while being surrounded by bigoted idiots who hated you?) but it hadn’t really mattered. Steve had wanted Bucky to be his first kiss and it had happened.

He also wanted him to be his last one. That certainly wouldn’t happen.

Unless Steve never kissed anyone else. Now that he thought of it that option didn’t seem so bad, after all Bucky was it for him. He couldn’t imagine ever loving anyone else. Even when he’d been infatuated with Peggy he’d never truly thought it was love. It had been a crush, yeah, and he admired her, but his feelings for her had never been as strong as the ones he had for Bucky. He also still wasn’t sure if he liked this whole kissing thing, so why do it if he wouldn’t like it anyway? To be quite honest, he’d only kissed Bucky because that was what all those guys in romantic comedies did when the women were mad at them. For them it always worked.

He should have known it was fucking stupid.

Picking up his mobile once more he started typing. _I know you said you need time but I just wanted to say_ – the caret blinked for what felt like forever. What did he want to say? That he was sorry? That he was the worst human being on the entire planet for assuming things about Bucky that were horrendous? It wasn't enough. Nothing he could say would be enough. Bucky would probably not even read the text. Steve deleted everything and dropped his phone in his lap, then he buried his face in his hands.

What could he possibly write that would make Bucky understand how terrible he felt about the things he’d said? Maybe he should write a letter listing all the things he’d done wrong and trying to explain why he was such a fucked up mess. The most important thing was that he was honest.

Honest… Before he could change his mind again he typed the one thing that seemed most important to him, the words that mattered most, and quickly hit send.

_I miss you_

When he finally checked his phone again late that night his heart sank.

 _I miss you_  
_Received: 4:27 pm_  
_Read: 5:19 pm_

But no answer.

 

 

***

 

 

Heartbroken Bucky with longer hair

 

College Stevie (because this is too cute not to share although he's definitely not all smiles atm)

 

And finally Bucky's new icon 'cause I love this and Bucky surely would do this completely intentionally

(If anyone knows who the artist is please let me know, I couldn't find them anywhere D: )

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have more feels and miserable boys being idiots - I love them so much but there's still some way to go till they can get their happy ending :/  
> I don't know when I'll be able to update again, I have an important exam coming up and there's family stuff going on so I'm honestly lacking the energy to write atm but I hope I can continue soon


	27. Chapter 27

_I miss you_

Even five weeks after receiving this message, Bucky kept staring at those three words, opened the app again and again, and had no idea what he should think about them. He’d told Steve he needed time and Steve had respected that for almost three weeks but Bucky was nowhere near figuring out what he should do.

Steve missed him. The evil little voice kept saying _so what, he’s an ass, he doesn’t deserve you, let him suffer_ but over the past weeks it had quieted down and Bucky mostly succeeded in not listening to it. He actually wanted to talk to Steve because damn it, he wanted to hear his voice again because he missed him. He missed him like crazy. But he still had absolutely no idea what he could reply.

“Hey, man, you with us?” Sam asked and snapped his fingers in front of Bucky’s face.

Pulled from his thoughts, Bucky looked up and met Sam’s eyes. “Hm? Oh, yeah, sorry.”

“Good. ‘cause it’s your turn. Now put that stupid thing away.”

Hesitantly Bucky set the phone down next to his bottle of beer, secretly hoping Steve would text again for the umpteenth time in over a month. Not that he would reply, but that didn’t mean he didn’t want Steve to try and talk to him.

Bruce gave him a questioning look over his cards. “What’s up with you anyway? You’ve been checking your phone every few minutes. Usually you’re not that obsessed with texting, that’s always Tony.”

Unfortunately, he seemed to finally notice that something wasn’t right, too. Sure, Bruce was brilliant but when it came to being observing of his surroundings it often took him quite a while to catch on to drama and the like. Not that he didn’t know something had happened, everyone in their circle knew that Steve and Bucky were avoiding talking to each other, thanks to Clint who just couldn’t keep his mouth shut. At least most of his friends didn’t know why exactly he and Steve weren’t talking.

“I heard that!” Tony called from where his head was currently stuck into the fridge in search of more beer.

Bucky made a noncommittal sound and concentrated on the cards in his hand. When Bruce had texted him asking if he wanted to hang out and play cards with him and Tony Bucky had agreed reluctantly, not exactly eager to leave his bed but not wanting to spend another Friday all alone either. At least Bruce wouldn’t try interrogating him about Steve and if Bucky asked the right questions Tony would forget his nosiness and just talk about his suit thingy he’d now officially dubbed Iron Man the entire night. What he hadn’t expected was for Sam to join them as well. Their rare poker nights usually were just the nerd trio (thanks, Nat, really) and now Sam was here, dropping hints about Steve every now and then. So far Bucky had successfully ignored all of them but he couldn’t stop glancing at his phone and it was becoming obvious something was off.

“But Bruce’s right,” Tony suddenly said right next to Bucky and before he could react Tony had grabbed Bucky’s unlocked phone from the table and tapped the screen. “Let’s see what got you so focused on that thing.”

“Hey! Give me that!” Bucky got up so fast that his chair toppled over and reached for his phone in Tony’s hand but Tony managed to keep it out of his reach. “Tony, give it back!”

“Is this about Steve?” Bruce asked and watched as Bucky desperately tried to get his hands on his phone.

“Oh, yeah, good thinking there, Brucie,” Tony acknowledged, tried to wrestle out of Bucky’s grip but finally gave up and crouched down, shielding Bucky’s phone with his body.

Over his shoulder Bucky watched in horror as he opened the messenger. “Tony, I swear to god –” But he didn’t get to finish his threat.

“Huh, you were right. Steve texted.” Tony sounded honestly surprised. “A couple weeks ago.”

Sam raised a brow. Apparently he was surprised as well. “No shit. What’d he say?”

“That’s none of your fucking business,” Bucky growled but Tony ignored him.

“Says he misses him.” With that Tony handed the mobile back to Bucky who scowled at him.

“Well, as if that weren’t obvious,” Sam muttered.

Bucky honestly wanted to know what that was supposed to mean but he bit his tongue. He was so done with his friends thinking they had any right to poke their noses into his business. Why couldn’t they just leave him the fuck alone? First Steve, then Natasha had started bothering him with her attempts to make him talk about it – and Natasha usually was the one person who patiently waited until you were ready to come and bear your heart to her – and now Tony and the other guys as well. Great.

This wasn’t how he’d imagined spending his evening. He grabbed his jacket from the back of his chair and stuffed his phone into his pocket.

“Hey, c’mon, Bucky, don’t leave,” Bruce said and stopped him by grabbing his wrist. “We’re just worried about you.”

“Well there’s no fucking reason to be worried,” he growled and glared at his friends.

With a snort, Sam crossed his arms. “Don’t be ridiculous. You look like shit, Steve looks like shit and I know for a fact that you asked Nat three times if she’d hang out with him tonight just to make sure he wouldn’t show up here.”

There was no point in denying that, but Bucky just glowered harder.

Over the past weeks he had started going out again, mostly to distract himself from the loneliness, but it was hard to make arrangements since his friends were also Steve’s so naturally he hung out with them as well. He didn’t want to be forced to act as if everything was fine just because they were surrounded by their friends so Bucky always double checked that Steve wouldn’t come – partly also because he hadn’t forgotten Natasha’s threat to lock them up together in a small room until they talked this out. His weekends were still empty, though, even if he filled them with work, learning and catching up on projects or hanging out with his friends. It just wasn’t the same as spending time with Steve.

“Don’t you think it’s time you start talking to someone ‘bout what happened?” Sam tried again, calmer this time, and Bucky hated this therapist tone.

Tony jumped in, nodding violently. “You can’t just go on like this, y’know. It’s gonna destroy you if you keep being an asshole who bottles up everything and pushes everyone away.”

Bruce mumbled something in agreement and Bucky flopped down onto Tony’s empty chair, arms crossed over his chest and looking at the others defiantly. “What the hell do you want me to say, huh? He was an ass, I’m mad, he’s gonna have to do a whole fucking lot of apologising.” As if it were that easy.

Apparently that was just the wrong thing to say because Sam immediately dropped his arms to his sides, sat up straight, leaned forward a little (he’d probably learned that in his psychology classes, appearing open and understanding or some shit, Bucky thought bitterly) and looked straight at him. “Did Steve say he doesn’t reciprocate your feelings for him?”

If possible, Bucky glared even harder as he clenched his teeth. Awesome. Now everyone in this room knew about it. To his surprise, Tony was the only one who gaped and stared from Bucky to Sam and finally to Bruce who didn’t seem taken aback at all.

“Wait. Hold on. What? How…? Why am I the only one who didn’t know about that?! When did he tell you?”

“No one had to tell us.” Bruce shrugged and took a sip of his beer. “Have you ever watched those two interact? Especially since they started this whole fake dating thing? It was so obvious they’re into each other.”

Well, fuck him. Clearly Bucky had underestimated Bruce.

“That’s not the point right now, Tony, shut up,” Sam said before immediately turning his attention back to Bucky. “So? Is he in love with you, too?”

Bucky didn’t know if it was the alcohol, the school stress, Sam’s calm demeanour or the loneliness and missing Steve but somehow he suddenly couldn’t take it anymore. He slumped further into his seat, shrugged miserably and muttered, “Dunno.”

“What do you mean, you don’t know?” Bruce asked. “Wasn’t that what you fought about?”

Another shrug. Bucky still hadn’t figured out if someone could love another person and think these things about them at the same time. “He… might’ve given hints but mostly he was just a complete dick.”

“So he didn’t tell you what he’s feeling for you?” Sam tried to clarify.

“Well, he didn’t _say_ anything.”

Tony, obviously still baffled, looked down at him and asked, “What’s that s’posed to mean?”

With all three pairs of eyes on him Bucky felt himself blush and stared down at his hands that were now clenched in his lap. “He kissed me,” he mumbled.

“Holy fuck.” Tony whistled.

“That’s not funny,” Bucky growled and glared at him again.

“No, man, seriously, Tony’s right. I don’t think any of us have ever seen Steve kiss anybody.”

Bruce nodded and rested his chin on his hands, thinking for a moment before saying, “Yeah, that’s true. Has he even ever kissed anyone before that?”

Bucky’s cheeks grew even hotter and he hated his body for betraying him.

“No shit,” Sam whispered, clearly looking right through him. “Bucky, you have to talk to him. I don’t know what else happened but you both look fucking miserable and ignoring this situation and each other clearly isn’t working. You’re not gonna get over this if you don’t at least try to talk it out.”

“Are you telling me that as my friend or my future therapist?” Bucky grumbled.

Sam grinned. “Both.”

“He’s right, though,” Bruce chimed in. “And I don’t think either of us can stand you two avoiding each other much longer.”

“Dude, you even missed his birthday last week,” Tony said matter-of-factly and Sam nodded with a grim expression that made it clear what he thought about that.

Bucky tried to ignore his bad conscience. He had spent the whole Fourth of July holed up in his apartment. When the fireworks had started he had turned his music so loud that it had drowned out everything else. Everything but his feelings. It had been the worst day by far since his fight with Steve and he’d come so close to calling Steve or packing his things and driving over to his place. When Nat had texted him how lost and lonely Steve had looked during the fireworks Bucky had curled up, hidden under his blanket and started crying again. In fact he was sure it had been the second worst day of his entire life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look who's already back again. Who needs university and studying and exams anyway?? This is way more fun and at least you guys get something out of my procrastination.  
> Anyway, seems like we're finally about to make a little progress, doesn't it? Let me know what you think :)


	28. Chapter 28

Even though Bucky didn’t want to admit it he secretly knew his friends were right. He couldn’t keep doing this; he needed to talk to Steve. After all they had been friends for years and if he didn’t at least get some closure or whatever he would go crazy, he told himself. And he was honestly sick of feeling like shit, barely getting any sleep, the occasional crying and the loneliness. Anything seemed better than that, even talking to Steve. Perhaps he’d yell at him a little, that might help. 

In the past two months, Bucky had gone from desperate to furious to disbelieving to something Tony had once called ‘post-breakup depression’ – which, frankly, was ridiculous because they’d never been a real couple – and back. He was a fucking mess and he just couldn’t go on like this, regardless of whether or not they could fix this. The uncertainty was worse than everything else, even though he still wasn’t sure what he wanted to say to Steve. If Steve still thought Bucky was a sex-obsessed, emotionless whore (Natasha would tell Bucky he was an idiot if she knew what had happened and what he was thinking but you never knew, right?) he could go fuck himself and Bucky would try to move on. If Steve had spent the past weeks well by thinking about what he had said and maybe even come to the conclusion he’d been a fucking dick, well, then they could work with that – provided that he could explain why he would say such things and apologised for what he’d done to Bucky. Because there was no way in hell Bucky would apologise. He had done nothing wrong.

But he also wanted to understand Steve. He still couldn’t figure out why his usually so tolerant best friend thought like this about him of all people, therefore talking was kind of a necessary evil. God, he really didn’t want to do this. What if Steve really hadn’t changed his mind? Living without him would be hell but if this really was the case Bucky was better off without him.

Those were the things that went through Bucky’s mind as he made his way from the lab to the social sciences library. He’d been nervous and antsy the entire morning and he hadn’t slept more than three hours because the mere thought of confronting Steve scared him because despite his anger and lack of understanding he didn’t want this to end. Right now he didn’t even care much if they continued as friends or something more (if Steve would unexpectedly declare his undying love for Bucky he surely wouldn’t object to something more as long as Steve also apologised – a guy could hope, okay, shut up), he just wanted things to stop being this fucking hard. And he didn’t want to live without Steve. Oh god, what if Steve said even worse things?!

No, that was stupid. Steve had said he wanted to make it right.

Deep breath, calm down, it’s not like you can change anything, he thought but of course it didn’t work. Bucky kept pacing in front of the door to the humanities and social sciences library where he’d hopefully find Steve. No matter what, he was going to talk to Steve and he was not going to chicken out.

Suddenly the door opened and his heart picked up a notch. He forced himself to stop pacing and slid his clammy hands into the pockets of his hoodie. To his surprise Clint and Sam walked out with a small group of other students, chatting and smiling. When they spotted him Clint raised a brow but before he could ask anything Sam grabbed his arm.

“Steve’s inside, go right through to the other end of the reading room and you should see him,” he directed at Bucky, then, “C’mon, Clint, they got pizza in the canteen today, better hurry up.” He gave Bucky a thumbs up and smiled encouragingly as he pulled Clint who seemed utterly confused down the hallway, talking to him quietly.

Well, at least Bucky wouldn’t have to look for Steve in the entire building. Maybe it was a good omen, he thought and immediately shook his head at himself. There was no such thing. He slid through the door before it closed and made his way to the back of the reading room, looking for a familiar mop of blond hair between the shelves. Steve tended to write his papers in the library and he surely was busy with research so it had been Bucky’s first instinct to go here. When he caught a glimpse of golden hair next to a window he slowed down and wiped his sweaty hands on his jeans. How would Steve react when he saw him? Would he even want to talk to Bucky?

Only one way to find out.

Before he could change his mind or worry even more Bucky walked straight to the table Steve was working at and stopped right next to him. “Hey, Rogers,” he said quietly and forced himself not to fidget with the strap of his messenger bag.

Steve’s hands froze hovering above the keyboard and he looked up to meet Bucky’s eyes, a dozen different emotions flickering over his face in quick succession. Finally he cleared his throat and whispered, “Buck… What…? Why’re you here?” His eyes were wide and Bucky noticed his hands shaking a little.

He was close to coming up with a sarcastic reply but seeing how terrible and downright afraid Steve looked stopped him in the last moment. “We gotta talk. You free later?”

Staring at him as if he wasn’t sure whether or not he was seeing a ghost, Steve nodded slowly. “Whenever you want. Where, uh, where do you wanna…?” He bit his lip and clenched his hands in his lap. Well, at least Bucky wasn’t the only one who was nervous.

“That small coffee shop just off campus at four.” Before Steve even got the chance to answer, Bucky turned around and headed back to the lab. Tony would murder him if he didn’t show up again, he’d told him he just needed a bathroom break, and he needed to get away from Steve for now.

Steve stared after him, his heart pounding heavily in his chest and his mind racing. The fact that Bucky had come looking for him at the library had taken him completely by surprise. He had started believing he would never see Bucky again, not after receiving no reply to his message, not after two months spent apart. Not after Bucky not even texting him on his birthday. Steve knew from Sam and Clint that Bucky was spending time with them again but even their reassurances that Bucky still miserable couldn’t convince Steve that Bucky would never forgive him. And why would he want to meet at the busy coffee shop when his place was mere fifteen minutes away from campus? Perhaps he wanted to talk to Steve somewhere neutral, somewhere were nobody cared much if Steve broke down (because let’s be real for a moment, pretty much every student was dead inside by now with all the papers and projects they had to finish after their finals) when Bucky told him he never wanted to talk to him again.

But then a thought crossed his mind. Maybe there was a tiny bit of hope, after all Bucky had come to him in person when he could’ve just texted. That was a good sign, wasn’t it? Maybe he could fix this mess somehow. He just had to. Living without his best friend had been hard enough for two months but never speaking him again after today? Steve didn’t even dare to think about it. Now he just had to survive the next two and a half hours. 

There was no way he could get any work done, not when he knew Bucky wanted to talk to him. He already couldn’t help but imagine half a dozen worst case scenarios and he suddenly felt sick. Packing up his things, he figured he could give Natasha a call. Or, even better, go find Sam, because Sam would be empathetic and try to calm him down whereas Nat would probably just tell him he worried too much. 

Even after he’d found Sam and Clint in front of the canteen, munching pizza and looking at him curiously, and told him what had happened he didn’t feel much better. Sam kept telling him it was a good sign Bucky had come to him and everything would be fine as long as he was honest and talked about his feelings. Clint just rolled his eyes at him (because “really, Wilson, that is such a clichéd thing to say, even for you”) and said Steve should just wing it. Eventually they went back into the library to work on their papers but Steve stayed outside. He couldn’t concentrate on anything.

Naturally time just didn’t seem to pass by, even though he glanced at his phone every few minutes. When the clock finally read 3:47 pm he got up and made his way to the coffee shop. The walk only took five minutes but he didn’t care that he was early. He entered the small shop and was immediately greeted by chatter and the smell of freshly brewed coffee. After spotting a free table and leaving his bag there he went up to the counter to order coffee for Bucky and some tea for himself. He was already anxious enough thus caffeine definitely wasn’t a good idea right now.

With the mugs in his hands he settled at the small table and looked out of the window. Occasionally he checked his phone. It was already five past and there was no sign of Bucky.

What if he didn’t even show up? What if he’d changed his mind? Or maybe he had never actually planned to come at all?

Steve was close to freaking out when the door opened and Bucky stepped inside, looking around. He spotted him and pushed his way past a bunch of students. Only now did Steve notice the dark shadows under his eyes and how long Bucky’s hair had gotten – and he was responsible for it. Immediately he felt even worse.

“Hey,” he said softly as Bucky sat down on the chair across from him. “I got you a cup of coffee, hope that’s okay. Just how you like it, a lot of milk, no sugar.”

“Uh, yeah. Thanks.” Bucky wrapped his hands around the mug and Steve watched him with growing anxiety as Bucky glanced around before focusing his attention on Steve.

Steve took a sip of his tea and forced himself to keep his hands around the mug instead of fidgeting with something. He couldn’t take this, he had to say something, anything, just make Bucky understand… “I can’t even tell you how much of an idiot I was and how sorry I am and I… I guess I understand if you never wanna talk to me again, it’s just… you have to know I regret every single thing I said and I wish I could take everything back or turn back time or something and you were right, I should never have assumed anything and it was incredibly offensive,” he blurted out before he could even think about his words.

Bucky stared at him and the tension in his shoulders ceased slightly. He didn’t say anything for a while, just looked into Steve’s eyes and finally sighed. “I just... Why, Steve?”

Clenching his teeth, Steve picked up one of the small sugar packets on the table and started playing with it absentmindedly. For the past weeks he had taken his mother’s advice and tried to figure out where this frustration had come from and, even more importantly, why he had directed all of it at Bucky.

While Steve still tried to find the right words, Bucky continued quietly and he sounded almost desperate. “I’ve been trying to understand, I honestly have, but I don’t get it. Why would you think of me like that? What’d I ever do to make you see me like this? I mean it must’ve started somehow, right? Please, just... tell me why you said those things.”

Steve forced himself to meet Bucky’s eyes and ignore the bustle around them. He was so ashamed of the way he had hurt Bucky because Bucky had been right when he’d said he didn’t deserve that.

He didn’t know what had started it, couldn’t exactly say what had happened but several months back when Bucky had told him about a cute girl he’d spent the night with and simultaneously checked out a guy on the table next to theirs something had shifted. Steve couldn’t recall for how long the feelings for his best friend had been blossoming but right then, in that moment, he had wanted to shake Bucky and tell him to stop fucking around (quite literally), even though he couldn’t explain this jealousy to himself. It had never been there before and so he had ignored it, just like he ignored the warm feeling in his chest whenever Bucky looked at him a certain way or leaned close. He had refused to admit that those feelings were similar to the ones he’d had for Peggy – he had simply tried to refuse to fall for his best friend. It was stupid, really, he barely got a crush on anyone but he honestly shouldn’t have been surprised. Seven years were a long time to get to know someone, to get close to them, and Bucky was everything he could wish for in a partner. Well, except for the fact that Bucky liked sex but that was just as little Bucky’s fault or decision as it was Steve’s to not like it. It was something they couldn’t change, he had finally come to acknowledge.

Fidgeting with the sugar packet, Steve stared down at his hands. “Everywhere you go and everywhere you look it’s always about sex and wanting to hook up with tons of people and I just… I didn’t get it. I still don’t. I used to think everyone was exaggerating ‘cause I’ve never seen anybody I’d want to sleep with, I even tried to force myself to think about people that way because I thought something was wrong with me, y’know, or I was broken or something ‘cause ‘everyone wants sex’, but it didn’t work and I knew nobody would understand. You’d always talk about how hot this or that person was and sure, I’m not blind, I can see they’re pretty but that’s it. You even tried to set me up with girls a few times, remember? All those double dates and then you told me I should act more confident to get some action so I was sure you wouldn’t understand. And if you wouldn’t understand, nobody else would.” He licked his lips and swallowed hard.

Bucky’s voice was quiet when he spoke but Steve didn’t dare to meet his eyes. “You still could’ve told me, Steve. Or you could’ve at least told me to shut up and leave you alone with all the dates and tips.”

“I know that now but… I was scared, Buck, because I already was different and then that… And I tried to tell you I wasn’t interested but you seemed so confused that I didn’t want to kiss anyone or get into anyone’s pants.” Steve finally peeked up at him for a moment.

Somehow, Bucky looked a little shocked and Steve hurried to add, “I’m not saying it’s your fault, you didn’t know, hell, I didn’t figure it out for twenty-two years myself. And even after I found out I wasn’t the only one who’s not interested in all that physical stuff I was scared to tell you, which was stupid, I know, but I just was. And then it got me thinking – if I never wanted to have sex, why would anybody want me? After all it’s just so important to everyone else, or at least that’s what everyone made me believe.” He took a deep breath. “I was convinced that no one would love me if I wasn’t willing to get intimate with them and I projected this fear and all of my insecurities onto you. That doesn’t excuse anything, I’m aware of that, and I can’t even begin to tell you how fucking sorry I am ‘cause you were right. It wasn’t fair to you and it was offensive and I acted like a complete asshole. I don’t expect you to ever forgive me but I’m still hoping maybe we could be friends again someday…”

For a minute or two, Bucky stirred his coffee and thought about everything while Steve kept watching him, chewing on his bottom lip nervously. 

“You got any idea how scared I was of telling you I’m bi?” Bucky finally asked quietly and looked up from his mug. “I was scared you wouldn’t want to be friends anymore ‘cause you might think I’d make a move on you at some point – and trust me, it was hard enough not to do that ‘cause you’re the one that made me realise I’m into guys in the first place. But I still came out to y–”

“Hold on. What?” Steve interrupted him, not sure if he’d heard that correctly.

“Huh?”

“You just said that I’m the reason you…”

“Well, yeah.” Bucky shrugged sheepishly. “I realised I got a crush on you when we were sixteen and I told you I’m bi a couple weeks later.”

Now Steve was gaping at him. “You… since we were sixteen?!” And he’d thought having to hide his crush for the past half year after finally admitting to it had been bad. 

“Um, yes.”

Steve shook his head in disbelief. “Then why –?”

“Did I sleep around so much?” Bucky finished bitterly.

“No, you were absolutely right, that’s none of my business,” Steve mumbled and his ears burned. “I wanted to say why didn’t you ever tell me?”

“I already told you, I was scared. I didn’t wanna lose you.”

“And here I am, fucking everything up, huh?” Steve muttered and averted his eyes again.

Bucky huffed a soft laugh. “Yeah, you did a great job.” Silence stretched between them for a few seconds, then he started again. “So, that kiss…”

“I’m sorry ‘bout that, too,” Steve hurried to say. “Should’ve known it was stupid.” Heteronormative romantic comedies probably shouldn’t set a realistic pattern for behaviour in situations like the one Steve had gotten them into. He never should’ve believed that kissing someone when they were mad would magically solve everything; that was just naïve. It would definitely be put on his list of things those movies lied about, right after ‘everyone wants romance/sex’.

“Does that mean you regret it?”

Steve nodded. “Yeah, definitely.” Well, not the kiss per se but certainly kissing Bucky in that particular moment. One more thing he wished he could take back but that wouldn’t happen, either.

“Alright, um, now… You said you wanna be friends again, right?” There was a hint of something in Bucky’s voice that resembled disappointment but Steve couldn’t quite understand why.

“Of course. I mean, if you don’t want to I guess I’d understand but… the truth is, I miss you so much and I don’t wanna be without you. I want my best friend back, if you can ever forgive me,” he whispered and met Bucky’s eyes with a mixture of fear and hope in his own.

Bucky took a deep breath and nodded slowly. “Okay… You gotta promise me something, Steve, yeah?”

“Anything.”

“Just… when something bothers you, please, talk to me and don’t bottle it all up, ‘kay? And don’t ever say anything like that ever again. ‘cause I told you, I’m not like that, and next time I will punch you. So for fuck’s sake, just talk to me.”

Steve nodded vehemently. “Absolutely.” Running a hand over his face he mumbled, “I can’t believe what an ass I was to you and nothing can excuse that. But I’m really, truly sorry that I messed everything up and even more that let everything out on you.”

For the first time that afternoon Bucky smiled softly. “I’m not gonna say it’s okay because it really wasn’t but I think we can work with that. Don’t think I’ll just forget about it, though.”

“Thank you, Buck,” Steve said quietly. “Really. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“Probably still get your ass kicked in back alleys,” Bucky grinned. 

Steve chuckled. “Yeah, probably. Can I… Can I ask you something else?”

Resting his elbows on the table, Bucky leaned forward a little. “I guess.”

“You said… Right before I kissed you you said you might be able to walk away from me and I thought I’d lost you forever. “

“Yeah, well, I missed your stupid ass, too, okay?”

“But you don’t have any feelings for me anymore, do you?”

Shaking his head, a small, sad smile appeared on Bucky’s face. “I haven’t been able to get rid of my feelings for you for six years you idiot, you really think I suddenly managed that in two months? But it’s fine, I can ign–”

“You still like me?” His heart started pounding rapidly again. Maybe he had a chance after all, even if he didn’t really deserve it.

Bucky shrugged and fidgeted with a napkin. “I mean, yeah, you’re a jerk but I… yes.”

Steve cleared his throat. “Do you think if I… if I ask you to go out with me again and again you might eventually say yes? If you still have feelings for me then?”

Apparently that surprised Bucky and he stared at Steve in confusion. “What?”

“What what?”

“Why would you want to ask me out? You said you regretted the kiss.”

Something dawned on Steve. “Yes, but not because… I regret it ‘cause it was the wrong thing to do in that situation, not because I don’t like… Buck, I do have feelings for you and that’s why I was so mad, I was jealous and it was idiotic and it doesn’t excuse anything but I still would wanna be with you if you’d have me. I could… I think I could make it work somehow if you ever wanted to.” After all, relationships were about compromising, weren’t they?

“You wanna date me?” Bucky seemed completely baffled.

“Well, yeah. So if you don’t mind I’m just gonna wait for you and hope that you’ll say yes one day. But if you don’t want me to bother you with tha–”

“Steve,” Bucky interrupted him, “Just to be clear – you want to be in a relationship with me, like, for real this time?”

“Uh, I mean I’d like to try, yeah… It took me forever to acknowledge it but truth is I’ve never had these feelings for anyone else. I had a crush on Peggy but this is… it’s more than that so I’ll keep asking you to go out with me if you say there’s even a small chance that you’d –”

“Yes.”

“Yes?” Steve echoed blankly.

With a small nod, Bucky reached over the table and brushed his fingers over the back of Steve’s hand. “Yes, there’s a chance. I would… I would date you, y’know, sex or not, I don’t care. Even though you’re a punk.”

“You would?”

“Jesus, Steve, how many more times do I have to tell you I still love you?”

Steve swallowed the lump in his throat and smiled insecurely. “How’d I ever get so lucky?”

“Dunno.” Bucky smirked and Steve’s heart fluttered. Oh, how much he’d missed that grin.

“So, um, would you… go on a date with me?” he asked quietly and felt his cheeks grow hot.

Tilting his head, Bucky pretended to think about it for a moment. “Would it involve holding hands?”

“Absolutely.”

“How about kissing?”

Steve’s heart started beating even faster. “Um… I guess?” Whilst their first two kisses had been anything but perfect Steve had liked the feeling of Bucky’s lips against his own and he wanted to give it another try. And he wanted to give Bucky something back.

To his surprise, Bucky sighed. “Okay, Stevie, listen. How ‘bout we both take some time to think about what we would and wouldn’t do in a relationship and just… talk about it before we go on a date? I told you I want you to talk to me and I don’t wanna… I’m not gonna pressure you into doing something you don’t want. If you say all you want to do is hold hands I can live with that. So just make a ‘would do/wouldn’t do’ list or something, ‘kay?”

Steve couldn’t describe the funny feeling in his chest but he was almost sure he would turn into a puddle. He intertwined his fingers with Bucky’s and nodded. “Thank you, Buck,” he breathed and Bucky smiled at him.

“Y’know, I could really go for something to eat right now,” Bucky said and squeezed Steve’s hand before adding, “just as friends, though. You’re gonna have to do more than take me out for dinner on our first date.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew, so... I think this was one of the hardest chapters I've ever written but I guess it turned out pretty well after writing and rewriting it for what felt like forever. I only now realised that there are no classes in July so I had to rewrite some parts and also their fight would’ve taken place around the time when finals are. Whoops. Let’s just ignore that fact. I know little about the American education system and my own finals are making me all confused. BUT they finally talked!! Yay! I really really really hope you liked this chapter, that we saw things from Steve's perspective again and how their conversation went even if they're definitely not entirely done with talking and figuring everything out yet.


	29. Chapter 29

“Well look at you, finally acting like a grown up,” Natasha teased when Bucky called her on his way to work the next morning to tell her everything. Not only would it get her off his back but this was also the fastest way to let everyone know he and Steve had made up again. That, and she’d punch him if she wasn’t the first person he called. “So what’re you gonna do now?”

Good question, really. When they had grabbed burgers last night things had almost felt normal again and Bucky was honestly grateful that they had talked it out. Steve knew Bucky would still need some time to forgive him for hurting him but Bucky now also kind of understood where Steve had been coming from. Nonetheless there were still a lot of things they had to figure out together. They had to talk about how they would make this relationship work – because that much was clear, they both wanted it to work, there was no way Bucky would go back to pining after Steve when Steve was willing to try – and also about what to tell their families, amongst other things.

“Guess we’re gonna take it slow,” he replied evasively.

Nat snorted. “Like six years haven’t been slow enough, huh?”

“Shut up, you know what I mean. We just have to get clear about what we want and –”

“I thought you want each other?” she interrupted and Bucky rolled his eyes even though she couldn’t see him.

“Yeah, sure, but things are still complicated. And it’s Steve’s first relationship so I don’t wanna rush into it.” He’d have to remember to ask Steve if he wanted to tell their friends he was asexual so that Bucky didn’t accidentally babble it out.

“Aww, you’re so sweet. And Stevie’s so innocent.”

“You better not say that to his face or he’s gonna hate you.” Bucky had once made the mistake and jokingly called Steve innocent a few years ago and Steve had been grumpy for a whole week. “Anyway, I gotta go, just arrived at the garage.”

“Alright, talk to you later.”

Just as he ended the call Bucky heard a “Mornin’, Barnes,” and turned around to see his boss.

“Morning, Dum Dum,” he called back and smiled brightly.

Dum Dum looked pleasantly surprised. “Well aren’t you in a good mood today, boy. Whatever it is, I’m happy to see you’re feeling better.”

Apparently Dum Dum wasn’t the only one who noticed that Bucky was unusually happy and enthusiastic this morning. During lunch break Morita nudged Bucky and grinned at him. “So what got you smiling again?”

“I think I have a boyfriend.”

His co-workers exchanged puzzled and amused looks and then Gabe asked, “You think? How can you not be sure?”

Between two bites of his sandwich Bucky explained, “Well, we haven’t talked everything out yet but he asked me on a date. And I really wanna be his boyfriend.”

“Who’s the poor guy who’ll have to put up with your terrible taste in music?”

“I have an awesome taste in music, thank you very much,” Bucky pouted but the others just laughed.

“Not the point, kid. Anyone we know?”

“Uh, yeah.” Bucky didn’t know why he suddenly was so nervous. When he and Steve had told their families they were engaged nobody had seemed surprised. Maybe it was because this time it wasn’t a lie. “It’s Steve.”

Gabe looked at him for a moment as if he wasn’t sure whether or not Bucky was joking but Morita just grinned.

“You don’t say.”

“Huh?”

With a shrug Morita turned his attention back to his cup of coffee. “I can see that. You’ve always been all over him.”

“I have not –!”

“Sure ya have,” Dum Dum said from behind Bucky. “Good thing I didn’t agree to that bet.”

“Bet?!”

“Y’know, Hope, the woman leading the martial arts club next door where your friend works, saw you two together once and was convinced you were a couple. When I told her he’s just your best friend she wanted to bet that that wasn’t true.”

“How come that even though apparently every single person I know thinks Steve and I would make a good couple no one ever bothered to tell me? I could’ve told him so much sooner,” Bucky grumbled.

Gabe snorted a laugh. “As if you’d ever listened to anyone.”

In light of the fact that Becca actually had told him just that for years and he had ignored her for just as long Bucky couldn’t really argue but that didn’t keep him from muttering unintelligible things to himself.

“What’s stopping you from asking him if he wants to be your boyfriend?” Morita eventually asked him, honestly curious.

Technically nothing, Bucky had to admit, and if yesterday had taught him anything it was that uncertainty was worse than having a conversation so he wiped his hands clean, grabbed his phone and headed into a quiet corner of the garage.

**_Hey Stevie wanna come over and stay at my place tonight?_ **

Steve’s reply came almost instantly. _Sure, want me to get take out on the way?_

**_Nope. I’m cooking_ **

_Okay listen, I get that you’re still mad at me but do you hate me so much that you wanna poison me?_

Bucky snorted but he couldn’t help the little grin spreading over his face ** _. Ha ha, hilarious, Rogers. I was just gonna heat up stuff my Ma cooked, not actually cook myself but now I think you’re not gonna get anything_**

_Aw :( When do you want me to be there?_

**_Say 7?_ **

_Perfect, cu then_

***

At seven on the dot the doorbell rang and Bucky buzzed Steve in. While he came up the stairs Bucky quickly checked his hair in the mirror (god, he really needed to get it cut again) and then scolded himself. That was ridiculous, Steve had seen him in pretty much every state including completely wasted on several occasions, drooling on Steve half asleep when they had tried to pull an all-nighter just for the hell of it when they had been fourteen and thought it was cool and also all in tears with smudged eyeliner when his favourite band had broken up. He hurried to the door to open it for his best friend (soon-to-be boyfriend?) and told himself to calm down.

“Hi.” Steve smiled, looking a thousand times better than he had yesterday, stepped inside and immediately stopped dead in his tracks, staring into the room with wide eyes. “What happened here?”

With a sheepish shrug Bucky shuffled over to his day bed. “Ma says cleaning helps when you feel bad or have a lot on your mind. I always thought she just wants me to clean up but she actually was right.” In fact he had spent almost an entire day tidying out his apartment, cleaning his bathroom and kitchenette, doing the dishes, vacuuming, wiping the floor, doing laundry and reorganising his wardrobe while he’d debated whether he should talk to Steve, what he could say and where he wanted to talk to him. His place hadn’t even looked this neat right after he’d moved in and he hadn’t even noticed how much stuff had collected over the past few years. The only thing that was still a mess was his desk but that was okay, he still needed most of the papers and books on it for his projects.

“Wow, I did not see that coming. Is it me or does your place suddenly look twice as big?” Steve quipped and followed Bucky over to his bed where he sat down next to him, setting his bag down on the unusually clean floor next to it.

“Punk.”

“Jerk. Hey, didn’t you say something about food?”

“That the only reason why you came?” Bucky teased and their banter felt so normal that he managed to relax. It’s just Steve, he told his racing heart, you managed not to freak out around him for six years so stop it.

“No, I actually also got something for you.”

Oh. That wasn’t what Bucky had expected. He looked at Steve curiously. “What is it?”

“I, um, I made the list.”

“You actually did that already?”

The tips of Steve’s ears turned pink but he nodded and reached for his bag. “I thought it was a good idea.”

Bucky grinned and made grabby hands. “Show me.” Then something occurred to him. Steve deserved a list, too. “No, wait, don’t show me. Hold on a sec.” He jumped off the bed, rummaged in the chaos on his desk until he found a notepad and a pen and returned to the bed. Turning his body away from Steve he started scribbling. He didn’t even need to consider what he wanted to write, just jotted down everything that seemed important and then reread it once to make sure he hadn’t forgotten anything.

“Okay. Here.” He held the notepad out to Steve who took it before handing over a piece of paper as well.

“Are we… gonna read it first and then talk about all of it?” Steve suggested and Bucky noticed how insecure he sounded.

He scooted closer so he could wrap an arm around Steve’s shoulders and smiled. “Sounds good to me.” The butterflies in his stomach started fluttering around when Steve rested his head on Bucky’s shoulder but Bucky forced himself to concentrate on the list in his hand and he began to read.

 

_ Will do _

_Everything we did as friends – hang out, play video games, study together, support you & listen to you, go to parties & concerts, do stupid things (maybe not get fake engaged again, though)…_

Bucky chuckled but ignored Steve’s questioning look and kept reading.

_…Answer any questions you have_

_Be honest with you_

_Draw you & give you little notes & doodles_

_Give massages_

_Cuddle, spoon & hug_

_Make mixtapes for you…_

Okay, he was seriously close to swooning now. Steve could be so sappy and Bucky loved it.

_…Go on dates_

_Hold hands_

_Take naps together & sleep in the same bed_

_Kisses on cheek/forehead/hand_

_Try new things (touch, maybe shower together, …)_

_Actually kiss?_

So far that sounded perfect to him, even though he was really curious about _Try new things_ and the question mark after _Actually kiss_ , and he smiled softly as he leaned his head against Steve’s. But that wasn’t everything; he had yet to get to the most important part. He licked his lips and focused on the second part of the list.

_ Won’t do _

_Have sex or oral sex_

_Dirty talk, sexting_

_Cuddle completely naked_

_Watch porn_

_Go climbing_

_Be an asshole (about you enjoying sex & in general)_

 

“Are you done?” Steve asked quietly and sat up straight, fumbling with the list Bucky had given him. It was shorter than the one Bucky held in his hands but he was sure he had written down the most important things.

“Yup. First of all, totally agree with not having another fake engagement.” He grinned and Steve smiled sheepishly. “By questions you mean regarding your sexuality and what you do and don’t like?”

Steve nodded and turned so he was now facing Bucky. “Yeah, exactly. Anything you wanna know.”

There were quite a few questions that immediately popped up in Bucky’s mind but they could wait. “Alright. The next ones sound perfect, I don’t think there’s anything to discuss.”

Another nod from Steve, then he bit his bottom lip and Bucky had to concentrate on the list so he wouldn’t lean forward and kiss Steve. They were hopefully going to get to that soon enough.

“Now to the important questions: Do I get to be the big or the little spoon?”

Rolling his eyes, Steve shoved Bucky so he landed on his back. “You’re such a jerk.”

“I’m serious! It’s important! ‘cause, y’know, I really liked you spooning me when we were at my grandparents’,” he added, propped himself up on his elbows and winked at Steve who promptly blushed.

“You can be the little spoon and then I can smother you in your sleep,” Steve grumbled.

Bucky smirked. “Fair enough, moving on. What exactly do you mean by _Try new things_ like touching? I mean, hugs and all the ways we usually touch are still okay, right?”

Steve nodded. “That’s fine. It’s more like… caressing, or touching while being shirtless or stuff like that. I wanna try that.”

“Okay, we can totally do that, and if you say it’s not your thing we just leave it at that, that’s fine. Now, actually kiss. Also still figuring out if you like that?”

“Yes. I mean it was okay, I guess, but the situations honestly sucked and I wanna give it another shot and see if I actually like it,” Steve said and swallowed. Suddenly he looked nervous. “What about the _Won’t do_ part?”

“You say you don’t want to do those things so we’re not gonna do any of ‘em.”

“It’s that easy?”

“Why wouldn’t it be?”

“Well, um, you like sex…” Steve started insecurely, clearly trying to find a good way to phrase what he wanted to say. “And I won’t be able to… I’m not gonna, um, satisfy you, doesn’t that bother you even a little bit?”

“Stevie, I don’t need sex to be happy when I have you. And if I really can’t take it at some point I got quite some experience with my right hand.” He shrugged, positive he could come to terms with not having sex. After all he’d get to snuggle with Steve, that was at least as good as sex (because it was Steve and he had waited for this for six fucking years). Sure, having sex with Steve might sound amazing in theory but it definitely wouldn’t be good if Steve wasn’t into it. So no sex. Whatever. He’d survive.

“What if you get tired of me? And of jerking off alone?” Steve’s voice was so small Bucky’s heart ached.

He sat up and crouched over to Steve, cupping his face in his hands and shaking his head. “Are you kidding? I haven’t gotten tired of you in seven years and it won’t happen now. You’re still my best friend but now I also get to hold your hand and cuddle with you and that’s awesome. It’s gonna be great.” He smiled reassuringly. “Now, wanna talk about my list?”

Steve nodded, looking at least somewhat convinced, and glanced down at the notepad. In Bucky’s scrawl two columns read

_YES_

_Still be your best friend & hang out & everything_

_Make you feel special_

_Be there for you_

_Praise your art & go to exhibitions with you_

_Sit still & pretend I don’t notice you’re drawing me _

_Tell you you’re beautiful_

_Respect you & your boundaries_

_Hold your hand_

_Kiss & cuddle you if you let me_

_Have awesome dates but also Netflix & Chill dates (like actually chill)_

 

_NO_

_Pressure you into doing anything you don’t wanna do_

_Sleep with anyone else (cuz that would be an asshole move & I’m no cheater & also devoted to you & being with you is enough)_

_Cook for you (except for pancakes. You can have all the pancakes you want)_

 

“Is there nothing about touching and sharing a bed on here because you didn’t know if I wanted that?” Steve asked and looked up to meet Bucky’s eyes, a small crease between his brows.

“Yup.”

“Oh, good. ‘cause I really want that. The rest is… it’s perfect, Buck. Well, ‘cept for one thing – I can’t believe you don’t wanna learn how to cook for me,” he grinned and Bucky smacked him playfully against the chest. “Oh, no, wait, one more thing.”

Bucky raised a brow, not sure what he might have forgotten. “Hm?”

“It says _Still be your best friend_ – but, um, we are also gonna be boyfriends, right?”

“If you wan–”

Steve smiled brightly. “Yeah, definitely.”

“Cool, I mean, uh, yes, I wanna be your boyfriend, too.” Smooth, Barnes, he scolded himself but Steve beamed at him and his heart melted. “Um, you hungry?” he asked in an attempt to hide how flustered he was. Steve was his boyfriend. Oh god. It felt like he was sixteen again.

For a second Steve was surprised but he seemed to understand what was going on and just smiled softly. “Oh, yeah, sure. You need help with anything?”

“Nah, just gotta heat it up is all.” Bucky got up and crossed the small distance to his kitchen area without difficulty (yes, fine, he’d admit it was nice not to step on empty pizza boxes, dirty clothes, scraps of paper or other clutter wherever he set his foot). While he reached for the Tupperware container with the food his mother had sent him and put it into the microwave he could feel Steve’s eyes on him. He decided to ignore it as he set two plates and cutlery on the counter and got a bottle of soda from the fridge. The microwave beeped and while Bucky was busy preparing dinner (aka making sure it wasn’t still cold in the middle and distributing two equally big servings on the plates) he could hear Steve moving around behind him.

Suddenly Steve’s hands came to rest on the kitchen counter and his arms caged him in and Bucky felt Steve right behind him, radiating warmth.

“Y’know, you could’ve waited for another two seconds,” he joked and wriggled around until he was face to face with Steve.

“I didn’t wanna, and I’m not here for the food anyway.” Steve was smiling bashfully but didn’t move an inch.

“Oh really?” Bucky licked his lips and watched as Steve’s eyes followed the movement.

“Really. May I…?” He didn’t have to finish the question, Bucky understood immediately.

The split second it took him to nod once seemed entirely too long but then Steve’s lips pressed against Bucky’s in a chaste kiss. His body was still trapping Bucky against the counter but he didn’t mind in the slightest and when Steve pressed his whole body against Bucky’s and rested his hands on Bucky’s hips he couldn’t have been happier. He sighed quietly against Steve’s lips, kissed him back just as softly and slid his arms around the back of Steve’s neck. A moan escaped him when Steve licked over his lips and Steve chuckled.

Bucky cleared his throat and whispered, “What’s so funny?”

“Nothing. You’re cute. This is nice.” And Steve leaned in again to kiss him again, deeper this time, and when Bucky took the opportunity to slide his tongue between Steve’s parted lips Steve whimpered in the back of his throat and pulled Bucky impossibly closer before wrapping him up in his arms and kissing  him back.

Oh boy. Bucky was completely smitten.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee, more communication and kisses!!! And BOYFRIENDS! (It's 5 am, the sun's coming up and I am not able to put my feelings into proper words, forgive me)  
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it c:


	30. Chapter 30

Kissing Bucky like this was… weird, somehow, but not in a bad way. It was nothing like the first times, nothing like the clumsy, precipitous press of lips against each other but Steve found he enjoyed it – most of all the intimacy of it; he still didn’t quite understand what was so great about having another person’s tongue in one’s mouth, though, but Bucky seemed to like it so he didn’t mind. One of Steve’s hands carefully tangled in Bucky’s hair and he was sure he could feel Bucky’s heartbeat where their chests were pressed together.

“This okay?” Bucky whispered against Steve’s lips, his voice rough, and Steve never wanted to hear anything else. It seemed so surreal that he was the reason Bucky sounded so breathless and flustered.

With a small nod he caught Bucky’s lips in another kiss, slower this time, and yes, he could definitely keep doing this, especially when it made Bucky’s voice all rough and his hands clasp the back of Steve’s shirt desperately. Having Bucky this close was intoxicating and he didn’t know where he should put his hands first so he let them roam over Bucky’s shoulders down his chest and rested them on his waist. Bucky’s body was as firm as it looked – hey, he’d had more than enough time to admire it during his drawing classes when his interest had been of professional nature (for the most part). He could feel Bucky’s breath against his cheek (seriously, how could he both kiss and breathe at the same time? Steve really needed to figure that part out), Bucky’s free hand travelling down his back and his breath hitched when Bucky inadvertently rolled his hips against Steve’s.

“Sorry,” he whispered but before Steve could reply his stomach suddenly growled and Bucky laughed out. “I see where your priorities lie.” He grinned and rested his forehead against Steve’s.

“Haven’t really eaten much today,” Steve admitted sheepishly and took a small step back, keeping his hands on Bucky’s waist.

Bucky cupped Steve’s cheek and pecked him on the lips once more. “Alright, let’s eat. You wanna watch a movie?”

“Sure.” Steve smiled at him and his heart fluttered when Bucky handed him a plate, took the other one and then intertwined their free hands and pulled Steve to the day bed. This was actually happening, he wasn’t daydreaming.

While they debated about which movie they should watch the fond smile never left his face, even when Bucky told him he was crazy if he really thought he could convince Bucky to watch Midnight in Paris for the third time and he was sick of seeing Owen Wilson’s face (Steve had a penchant for movies about any and all art forms, so what? And besides, Bucky had made him watch Sixteen Candles at least NINE times over the years). Everything inside him felt all warm and fuzzy and even though things had changed between them because he could finally take Bucky’s hand or kiss his cheek whenever he wanted it still felt like before – the easy banter, the playful shoves and stealing food from the other’s plate. He had imagined it to be awkward at first but it wasn’t.

Steve still couldn’t believe things could be that easy. Not once did he have to state reasons for any of the points on his list. Bucky had immediately agreed to every single one and he hadn’t even asked Steve to at least try sleeping with him or made a comment about how he could be sure he didn’t like sex if he never tried it. If he was completely honest he couldn’t quite wrap his mind around the fact that Bucky would just give up sex to be with him. And Bucky’s list was truly perfect – while Bucky had been busy with dinner Steve had ripped the piece of paper from the note pad and put it into his sketchbook for safekeeping, knowing he would take it out and look at it again and again to convince himself he had imagined it. Deep down it still felt like he didn’t deserve any of this, especially not after all the horrible accusations, but he did his best to ignore this feeling. 

He briefly wondered what the others would say if he told them. Would they understand? His mother had been confused at first when he’d told her and he had had to explain what exactly it meant that he was asexual but of course she had been accepting. He hadn’t expected anything else from her. And the others? Sure, not every one of them was straight but that didn’t automatically mean there wouldn’t be any stupid comments. On the other hand they were his friends and they cared about him so they’d understand. Hopefully. Oh god, he also really needed to apologise to everyone for shutting them out and being absolutely insufferable over the past weeks.

Noticing Steve wasn’t really paying attention Bucky decided to turn on an animated movie, knowing Steve tended to focus more on the style than the story anyway and therefore wouldn’t complain too much. He set the laptop up on the bed in front of them, scooted back until he could lean against the wall and started eating. Steve sat next to him, all too aware of how close they were, and wondered if Bucky had asked him to hang out here in hopes of cuddling later since Steve’s bed was far too small to hold two guys in their twenties, and so was his sofa.

“Steve, quit being a creep and watch the movie,” Bucky teased and nudged him when he noticed that Steve kept glancing at him when he wasn’t busy eating Winifred’s delicious food. 

“But you’re so pretty.”

Bucky blushed and grumbled something about Steve being cheesy but leaned against him and Steve smiled. When they had both eaten up and put their plates aside Steve tried to focus on the movie but he had no idea what they were even watching and he honestly didn’t care. Instead he kept peeking over at Bucky and even though he knew Bucky had said he was fine with everything he still felt a little nervous when he reached for. His fingertips softly trailed invisible patterns over the back of Bucky’s hand and Bucky smiled. Eventually he turned his hand around so Steve could do the same to his palm. Steve kept tracing the lines for a while before he slid his fingers between Bucky’s, lifted them to his face and kissed Bucky’s hand. He snuggled a little closer and closed his eyes, long since having given up on watching the movie and instead decided to enjoy the closeness and focus on the caress of Bucky’s thumb on the back of his hand.

The jingle of some theme song was the only reason Steve even noticed the film was over but he honestly couldn’t care less. Apparently Bucky felt the same way as he didn’t move to switch it off but instead nuzzled his face in the crook of Steve’s neck and wrapped an arm around Steve’s middle. When he suddenly drew away, though, Steve looked at him with a confused, startled expression.

“I almost forgot… I got something for you.” He jumped off the bed and got a rectangular package wrapped in newspapers from his desk. It had been buried by a stack of paper that was now dangerously close to slipping off the table but Bucky didn’t seem to notice as he came back and handed Steve the package that was heavier than he had expected. “Here. I, um, I didn’t have any wrapping paper.”

“What’s that?”

All of a sudden Bucky looked flustered again and bit his lip. “Your… your birthday present. Got it months ago. I’m sorry I wasn’t there, by the way…”

Steve’s confused expression gave way to a soft, sad smile. “I get it, Buck, I do. It’s okay. Thank you.” Yes, it had been the worst birthday of his entire life (including the times he’d had to spend it in bed because he’d been sick with the flu) and he hadn’t felt like celebrating anything at all, but this, right now, definitely made up for it.

“You haven’t even opened it yet,” Bucky reminded him, still looking somewhat guilty.

“Right.” For a moment Steve fumbled with the tape but then decided to just rip the paper. To his surprise he found a book with a grey cover and his face lit up when he read the title. 

“I saw it and thought you’d like it,” Bucky mumbled sheepishly. “Apparently it’s one of the best introductions into art and covers the most important eras and styles. And I, uh, personalised it a little.”

Steve raised a brow and thumbed through the book. It only took a few seconds until he understood what Bucky meant. Every single picture in the book had a post-it next to it – some were smaller and only had a word or two on them, others were so big they covered half of the illustration and showed silly doodles caricaturing the artwork, delivered a pseudo-intellectual interpretation or held remarks pointing out weird or hilarious parts about the picture.

“Wow, this is… amazing, Buck, honestly. I love it.” He found a post-it with a particularly weird doodle and chuckled, then he looked up to meet Bucky’s eyes. “Seriously, it’s awesome.” Laying a hand on the back of Bucky’s neck, Steve pulled him close and kissed him deeply. “Thank you,” he whispered when he drew back a minute later.

“You’re welcome.” Bucky smiled and nodded at the book. “Wanna take a closer look?”

“Nah, not now. I’ll look at it at home. Right now I’d rather do something else.” Steve set the book on Bucky’s nightstand and scooted close. “Wanna cuddle with me?”

Bucky grinned, shoved the laptop aside and let himself fall on his back. “Please, as if I’d miss that opportunity. C’mere.” He reached for Steve’s hand to pull him close. 

Not needing any excuses to snuggle into Bucky’s side (like ‘unconsciously’ scooting over in his sleep, ahem) and the prospect of being able to fall asleep like this were almost too good to be true. Steve rested his head on Bucky’s chest as Bucky draped an arm over his waist and sighed contentedly. He could hear Bucky’s steady heartbeat and feel his chest heave with every breath. When Bucky’s fingers came up to card through Steve’s hair and play with the strands Steve closed his eyes and smiled to himself. 

“Hey… about the kissing,” he mumbled softly.

“Yeah?”

“We gotta scratch the question mark. That’s definitely something I wanna keep doing.”

“Okay.” Bucky started running his fingers through the short hairs on Steve’s nape and scratched him lightly and Steve made a sound that came embarrassingly close to purring. Bucky chuckled and did it again. “Want me to teach you everything I know?”

It took Steve a moment to realise what Bucky meant and he furrowed his brows. “Am I that bad?”

“Nah, just inexperienced. Trust me, I could show you a few things.” 

Turning his head to look up at Bucky, Steve grumbled, “Show-off.” 

Bucky smirked and caressed Steve’s cheek before tilting his head down to place a kiss on Steve’s hair. His next words sounded unusually serious. “I’m sorry your first kiss was like that, y’know. Not how I would’ve imagined it.” 

“Third time’s the charm, right?” Steve shrugged but now he was curios. “How’d you imagine it?”

With a snort Bucky went back to petting Steve’s hair. “Do you seriously want me to specify every single scenario I ever imagined?”

“We got all the time in the world.”

“Well, I’d rather do something else with that time.”

“How many people have you used that line on?” Steve teased and scooted up the bed until their eyes were level.

A soft pink appeared on Bucky’s face and he gave Steve a lopsided smile. “Only one who matters.”

“Pff.”

Bucky chuckled and kissed the tip of Steve’s nose. “I’m serious. I’ve been in love with you forever, you’re the only person that matters to me.”

Steve put a hand on Bucky’s chest, propped himself up on one elbow so he hovered above Bucky and said in the most serious voice he could manage, “Prove it.”

Raising a brow, Bucky looked at him with surprise. “How?”

“Kiss me like no one’s ever kissed me before,” Steve demanded and grinned.

“Literally no one has ever kissed you before me, punk. Unless you’ve been keeping secrets from me.”

Steve rolled his eyes and leaned down so their lips were only a few inches apart. “C’mon, just kiss me.”

This time, Bucky did as he was told and leaned up to meet Steve’s lips. Steve closed his eyes as Bucky kissed him lazily while his hands ghosted over Steve’s sides. When Bucky gripped Steve’s hips and pulled him on top of him without warning Steve squeaked in surprise. 

“If there’s anything you don’t want me to do you tell me, okay? And I mean immediately,” Bucky whispered when Steve didn’t protest being manhandled like this.

Steve nodded once and straddled Bucky’s waist before leaning down to continue kissing him. He slowly lowered his body until his chest rested on top of Bucky’s, taking part of his weight by propping up on his elbows, and nosed at Bucky’s jaw. “I could fall asleep like this,” he murmured and smiled against Bucky’s skin.

Bucky chuckled softly and poked Steve’s side with a finger. “Please don’t or you’re gonna smother me. You’re not exactly a lightweight anymore.”

“But I wanna.”

“You can spoon me.”

“That’s not the same,” Steve pouted.

“You’re a cuddle monster,” Bucky noted and tilted his head back to roll his eyes at the ceiling, exposing the long line of his neck.

Steve grinned, nipped at Bucky’s throat and instantly jerked back when a groan escaped Bucky’s lips, not having expected this kind of reaction.

For a moment Bucky looked just as shocked as Steve did, then he started laughing. “Fuck, Steve, sorry – didn’t… didn’t mean to – startle you,” he panted out between bursts of laughter that slowly turned into giggles. “Shit, ‘m sorry, I just… should’ve warned you, huh?”

“Would’ve been nice, yeah,” Steve grumbled, feeling a little silly. For a second he’d thought he’d hurt Bucky and it had taken another second for him to realise that that was definitely not the reason why Bucky had groaned. He slumped down onto Bucky, deliberately squishing him with his body, and Bucky squawked in protest. Steve ignored Bucky’s helpless wriggling and cursing for a bit, then he rolled off of him and snuggled into his side with a self-satisfied grin. “That’s for laughing at me.”

Bucky grunted a few more curses but when Steve placed a few soft kisses on his neck he stopped and sighed happily. He pulled Steve closer and Steve wrapped his arm around Bucky’s chest and slid a leg between Bucky’s. They stayed like that for a long time, occasionally talking quietly and enjoying the proximity. It almost seemed familiar – not the way they were holding on to each other but how close they were, how they understood each other without many words and fit together perfectly.

Around midnight – Steve had already dozed off once or twice – Bucky started complaining that he needed to pee and after some grumbling Steve eventually let go of him. While Bucky was gone Steve reached for the book again and thumbed through it once more to read Bucky’s comments, smiling to himself.

He realised Bucky must have been watching him for some time when he glanced up to see him standing in the doorway, toothbrush in his mouth and a fond look on his face. Steve smiled at him while he put the book back on the nightstand and rolled out of bed to grab his sleep shirt. While Bucky went back into the bathroom Steve changed into the tee and then followed his boyfriend (!!) into the tiny bathroom, squeezing past him to grab his toothbrush.

No five minutes later they were back in Bucky’s bed, both in T-shirts and boxers, and Steve’s head was pillowed on Bucky’s shoulder. Bucky absentmindedly played with the hem of Steve’s shirt and Steve smiled every time his fingers accidentally brushed against his skin, tickling him softly. 

He wanted to fall asleep like this every night.

Unfortunately, Bucky wasn’t so thrilled anymore after a while. “Steve?” he whispered and carefully tried to move away.

Steve hummed in response, too tired to answer, and held on tight.

“My arm just fell asleep.”

“But I don’t wanna move,” he groaned.

Bucky wiggled his shoulder and tried to scoot away again but Steve had latched on to him like an octopus. “Steve, it’s gonna fall off. Please? Just move your head on my chest or something.”

“Nooo. ‘s not as comfy.”

“You really wanna risk me losing my left arm?”

“Fine, disturb me and make me move,” Steve grumbled and moved so his head was resting on the pillow instead.

Rolling onto his side to face Steve, Bucky muttered, “You’re such a punk,” but Steve could hear the small smile in his voice.

Determined to get into perfect cuddle position again, Steve pulled him close again and tucked his head under Bucky’s chin, burying his face in his chest and inhaling Bucky’s familiar scent. He put a leg over Bucky’s thigh and made a happy noise in the back of his throat. This was nice, too, and if Bucky scooted only a tiny bit closer – 

“Umpf-!” he grunted as pain shot through his body and he jerked away for the second time that evening. “Yes, ram your knee right into my crotch, that’s great.”

Bucky immediately fumbled for him in the dark and sounded honestly horrified. “Oh god, I’m so sorry!”

“Y’know, when I said I wanna cuddle with you I didn’t exactly expect it to result in violence,” Steve joked and took a deep breath. Luckily Bucky hadn’t caught him full on but damn, it still hurt.

“Stevie, I’m so so sorry, I didn’t mean to!” Bucky’s hands found his face and Bucky cupped it gently. “Are you okay?”

“I’ll live. Unless that was payback for your arm, then I’ll certainly die.”

“I’d never do that!”

Steve chuckled at Bucky’s scandalised tone. “I know. Maybe I should just spoon you?”

“Good idea,” Bucky agreed immediately.

It took a little more shuffling and careful moving until they were safely positioned with Bucky’s back against Steve’s chest and Steve’s breath tickling the back of Bucky’s neck but that was fine, Bucky didn’t mind. He was positive this was right where he was supposed to be, and they finally fell asleep snuggled together as close as possible even though it became increasingly warm beneath the covers. Nothing could make them move out of this position so the next morning Bucky woke up sweaty but all too happy to find that Steve had held on to him the entire night.

They were just as close as they had been at his grandparents’ house and Bucky smiled as he tried to go back to sleep. This was perfect. Steve was warm and comfortable and muscular against Bucky’s back and he wiggled even closer into his embrace.

“Morning,” Steve whispered, pressed a kiss to his nape and shifted a little to get better access.

Bucky inhaled and didn’t move an inch. “I can feel your boner against my butt.”

There was a small pause, then Steve mumbled, “Oh, um… Sorry,” and scooted a few inches back.

Making a soft noise somewhere between a whine and a growl, Bucky reached behind himself, grabbed Steve’s ass and pulled him back against himself. “Don’t, please come back, ‘s nice.”

“’kay.” Steve smiled, let Bucky press them together again and blindly searched for Bucky’s hand under the blanket.

“Your boner always feels nice against my butt,” Bucky noted casually and turned his head just in time to see Steve flush bright red, without doubt realising that Bucky had in fact been awake the first time this had happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy, it took embarrassingly long to write this chapter because it's kinda hard to write cuddling or kissing. I hope you like this chapter nonetheless and I just had to keep the mood a little light so yeah, this happened ^_^  
> The book Bucky got Steve is Gombrich's "The Story of Art" which in my opinoin is really cool, you can actually check it out online if you're interested - and on that note: Happy birthday Stevie!! (even though I'm a little late...)


	31. Chapter 31

“Wow. So. You two actually are a thing. Didn’t quite believe it.” 

What a nice way to be greeted, really, Bucky thought and rolled his eyes while Clint just shamelessly kept eyeing them with a raised brow and looking at their intertwined fingers as if he wasn’t quite sure whether or not he was hallucinating.

“Yeah, we are. Now, you gonna move and let us in or not?”

Clint huffed but stepped aside to let Steve and Bucky enter. When Nat had texted them that afternoon Bucky had groaned and buried his face in Steve’s neck, refusing to leave the bed and grumbling unintelligible curses, but eventually they had managed to get dressed and make their way to Clint’s place. The apartment was much too small to hold the bunch of people huddled together on every free surface yet nobody seemed to care as they were chattering happily and passing around what looked like a bottle of cheap whiskey. It took them a moment to notice Steve and Bucky but the noise that followed was almost deafening. Pepper’s squeal was among the more quiet reactions as she hopped off Tony’s lap to hug the two newcomers whereas Tony and Thor hollered and Bruce yelled at them to shut it. Sam called something resembling a congratulations and Jane seemed a little confused for a moment what all the fuss was about – no doubt her mind had been somewhere else entirely. Only Natasha just smirked at them in her ‘I knew this would happen’ kind of way.

Rolling his eyes, Bucky looked over at Steve who grinned sheepishly at their friends and squeezed Bucky’s hand. 

“You mind passing that over?” he asked and Sam leaned over the armrest of the sofa to hand the bottle to Steve. Steve took a drink before passing the whiskey on to Bucky who ignored Natasha’s grabby hands for the bottle and took a few swigs as well.

“We gotta celebrate!” Tony exclaimed, clearly already buzzed. “We should go out! Dance!”

“No, I want to hear what happened first,” Pepper protested and Bruce nodded. 

They should have been expecting this, really, but Bucky sighed anyway. Nonetheless he let Steve pull him to the middle of Clint’s small living room to sit on the ground between the mismatched furniture. Steve slumped down on one of the pillows on the ground, leaned back against the sofa and Bucky was surprised when Steve pulled him between his legs to rest against his chest. They hadn’t really talked about PDA yet but if Steve didn’t mind Bucky sure as hell wouldn’t, either, and so he got comfortable against his boyfriend (it still seemed so unreal that Bucky felt a thrill every time he thought of Steve as his boyfriend and he couldn’t help the stupid grin spreading over his face). He made a soft, content noise when Steve’s strong arms came around his middle and held on to him.

Jane seemed to agree with Pepper as well and shushed the other guys, giving Thor and Tony a glare that effectively shut them up and left the stuffy room in relative quiet save for the music playing in the background. 

When Bucky started off by recounting their fake relationship up to the party at Tony’s place he was interrupted and urged to skip all of that. None of their friends wanted to hear about all the moping and the isolation yet again and Steve quickly took over, not without quietly apologising for shutting everyone out for weeks. They told the others about their meeting at the café but before Steve could get to the reason why he’d reacted the way he had he was interrupted yet again.

“Did you two already fuck?” 

Of course that question would come from none other than Tony. Bucky wasn’t surprised, especially considering the amount of alcohol Tony had already drunk, but Steve stiffened behind him for a moment and Bucky immediately cuddled into him even more. He placed his hands over Steve’s, rubbing circles into the skin, and peeked up at him over his shoulder.

At least Pepper seemed utterly scandalised as she elbowed Tony in the ribs, making him squawk, and scolded, “Tony! They don’t ask about our sex life either. Behave.”

“Doesn’t mean they don’t know about it,” he grumbled and rubbed his side with a pout.

“Only because nobody can get you to shut up when you’re drunk,” Natasha reminded him with a smirk.

As if she was any better, Bucky thought to himself but he was wise enough to keep it to himself. He wasn’t sure how to answer the question except for telling Tony to fuck off because it was none of his business. Knowing his friend, though, that would only lead to him pestering them with more questions the entire night.

Steve was biting his lip and glanced back at Bucky, then he sat up a little straighter and took a slow breath. The determined look on his face was one Bucky knew all too well.

“Stevie, y’know you don’t gotta tell anybody, right?” he mumbled, ignoring their friends as they squabbled with one another about how much they knew about each other’s sex lives. Ugh, he really did not need to be reminded of some of those stories. 

“I wanna, though,” Steve said quietly. “They’re our friends and I’m not gonna hide or anything. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

“Uuuh, nothing to be ashamed of? What kind of weird kinks do you have that we don’t know about?” Of course the one time they didn’t pay close attention while talking Clint would snoop in on their conversation and read Steve’s lips. Bucky turned to glare at him.

Sam clicked his tongue and smirked. “Barton, remember, we don’t kink shame. And technically we don’t know anything about Steve’s sex life so there’s that. Besides, Barnes probably has enough for the both of them.” 

“I hate all of you,” Bucky grumbled, just as Steve said “That’s because I don’t have one.”

“Huh?”

“What?”

A few eyebrows were raised at them and some of the others looked puzzled. At least they had stopped trying to outdo each other with embarrassing stories, Bucky thought briefly.

“I don’t have a sex life,” Steve repeated calmly.

For a second or two you could hear a pin drop, then Sam asked, “Like, not at all?”

“Nope. I’m asexual and I don’t like sex.”

Several pairs of eyes glanced from Steve to Bucky and back, clearly wondering of Steve was messing with them, and Bucky was almost surprised nobody uttered something along the lines of “And you’re okay with that?” directed at him. Then again his friends might be annoying from time to time (alright, fine, more often than not but he loved them regardless) but they weren’t assholes.

Bruce was the first one to speak up again. “So you’re asexual and what, biromantic, if you don’t mind me asking?”

“Demiromantic, actually,” Steve said and even though the tips of his ears were pink he looked at their friends one by one unapologetically. Damn, Bucky was so proud of him and he had to bite his lip to fight the grin threatening to light up his face. In this moment Steve looked almost like he had for all those years right before every goddamn, stupid fight, standing up for others against people twice his size, only this time standing up for himself, and Bucky swore he’d never been this much in love in his entire life. Not even when Steve had punched Brock for him. 

“Just to get this straight,” Thor started, still looking a little confused. “You don’t think Bucky’s attractive but you like him nonetheless?”

Jane glared at her boyfriend again but he either didn’t notice this time or just didn’t care, and Bucky was sure Thor hadn’t meant his question to sound rude. Natasha snorted a laugh and Sam rolled his eyes at her.

Fidgeting with the hem of Bucky’s shirt, Steve shrugged sheepishly. “Well, uh, I think he’s very pretty.”

Bucky prayed he wasn’t blushing bright red as he felt his cheeks heat up. That was so not cool.

“But you don’t think he’s hot. Like, wanting-to-bang-him hot,” Clint clarified.

“Um, no. That’s not how… I don’t think anybody is hot, really. That’s kinda the point, y’know, not being physically attracted to anyone. I’m just aesthetically attracted to him. And, uh, romantically, of course.”

“Huh. Okay.”

“Well, congratulations for finally getting your shit together,” Nat simply said, grinned at them and that was it.

There were a few approving nods and some smirks and cheers. One of them not being straight was hardly news and even slightly intoxicated their friends had the common sense not to dig any deeper, at least for now. Bucky had no doubts it would come up again eventually but he was glad that Steve didn’t have to explain himself anymore tonight.

“Wanna go celebrate now?” Pepper asked, getting back to more important matters, and Tony nodded vehemently.

“I wanna dance and Barton’s place is just too fucking small for that. I really don’t get why we didn’t meet at mine.”

“You’re insufferable and my place is awesome.”

Despite pointless discussions and Bruce and Steve’s protests – after all nobody had said anything about partying tonight – they eventually all got to their feet and outside, some more, some less gracefully, and made their way to one of the small clubs nearby. Tony grumbled about it being cheap and playing mostly alternative music until Jane got tired of it and pushed the bottle of whatever hellish stuff Thor was carrying with him into Tony’s hands. 

Bucky snatched it from him, took a small sip (because honestly, he was almost positive this stuff was deadly if you drank too much) and passed it to Steve since they both had some catching up to do. Steve drank a little, grimaced and handed the bottle over to Bruce before wrapping an arm around Bucky’s shoulders and pulling him close. With a smile Bucky pressed a brief kiss to Steve’s cheek and slid his hand into Steve’s back pocket, ignoring Sam’s comment and softly asking Steve if it was okay. Instead of answering Steve’s arm slid down Bucky’s back and he squeezed his hand into the back pocket of Bucky’s skinny jeans.

“Look how disgustingly sweet and in love they are,” Nat teased from behind them.

Steve laughed and flipped her off.

The music could be heard a block away from the club and Bucky suddenly felt excitement mix with the warm feeling in his stomach that was probably the alcohol (or butterflies. Were butterflies warm? He wasn’t sure. He should probably think about that another time). No matter what, Steve was going to dance with him tonight. He just had to, and if Bucky had to beg him so be it. They definitely had a reason to celebrate and Bucky hadn’t been dancing in what felt like forever. Well, technically it had only been two months but he didn’t want to think about that too hard. He practically tugged Steve forward and bounced across the street to the club’s entrance. 

Once inside, Steve made a beeline for the bar and most of them followed him. Bucky supposed it would be wise to wait until Steve had drunk a little more – and also to lull him into a sense of security for now – so he leaned into him and accepted the glass Steve handed him with a bright grin. Two drinks in he let himself be dragged away from Steve and onto the dancefloor by Natasha to dance to some Good Charlotte song. God, how much he’d missed spending time with his friends and dancing. Occasionally he caught a glimpse of Steve over the heads of the crowd and winked at him. In that moment his life seemed perfect. Well, almost; it would be even better when he’d finally get Steve on the dancefloor as well. He had no idea how much time had passed but eventually he left Nat dancing with Jane and headed back to the bar.

“I’m dying of thirst,” he called at Steve over the music and stole his way too colourful cocktail without hesitation. When he noticed Steve’s sour expression he leaned in for a kiss, a little uncoordinated thanks to the alcohol, but Steve just kept glaring. At least he wasn’t glowering at Bucky, he realised and raised a brow.

“Stevie, what’s wrong?” 

“Nothin’,” Steve yelled back but he didn’t avert his eyes from a spot somewhere behind Bucky.

“Don’t you ‘Nothin’’ me, I know that look. What is it?” Bucky turned around and peered into the direction Steve was glaring. It took him several seconds to spot the person in the middle of the crowd. “Aw, fuck…” he muttered and glanced back at Steve. His boyfriend did not look amused.

Clint chose that exact moment to slur “Isn’ that Matt?” from Bucky’s other side, and as if his luck couldn’t get any worse the guy spotted them and waved at Clint. Bucky instinctively reached out his hand and grabbed Steve’s shirt when his and Matt’s eyes met.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um. So. Hello again, I know this took quite a while but damn, my exam and writer's block and some other stuff hit harder than expected and I honestly didn't quite know where to go with this fic for a while. But I'm back and on break from uni now so I'll hopefully be able to update more often again :)  
> Also it's confirmed: Nice Ass is Matt Murdock - well, who would've thought we'd be seeing him again?! Hope you enjoyed this :)


	32. Chapter 32

For a few heartbeats Matt looked at him with a calculating expression, his eyes never leaving Bucky’s, then a corner of his mouth pulled up into a smirk and he gave a soft nod into Bucky’s direction. Next to Bucky, Steve snorted and Bucky noticed Steve’s clenched jaw. When he softly tugged on Steve’s shirt Steve finally looked back at Bucky.

“If he comes over here…” Steve trailed off but wrapped a possessive arm around Bucky’s shoulders and Bucky cuddled into his side, hoping to calm him down a little. This didn’t seem like Steve, or maybe it was just a side of him Bucky had never seen before – Steve hardly carried grudges against people unless they were bigoted idiots. But that wasn’t it, Bucky finally realised. Steve was… well, not exactly jealous, but obviously still pissed about what had happened between Matt and Bucky, and Bucky had a feeling he might be using his anger to deal with his insecurities as well.

“C’mon, Stevie, let’s get some air.” It was probably best to get some space between them and Matt. It wasn’t that Bucky didn’t like the guy anymore, he’d seemed nice enough, but meeting him again would be awkward at best, not to mention how Steve’s expression had hardened at the mere sight of the guy. But that certainly wasn’t Matt’s fault. None of it, really, after all Bucky had wanted to get laid that night and not given a damn if Steve had found out (but then he’d been oblivious and jealous and goddam stupid, so there was that). If Bucky really thought about it he would also have to admit that without Matt he and Steve would never have gotten together, so they should actually be thankful. Or something. He wasn’t sober enough to draw reasonable conclusions.

Thankfully Steve didn’t protest and followed Bucky outside where they took a few steps to avoid the smokers huddling around the club’s entrance. Steve leaned back against the wall, hands in his pockets and still looking grumpy, but when Bucky caged him in with his palms against the wall and leaned into him he heaved a sigh and forced himself to smile. “’m sorry.”

“’s fine,” Bucky reassured him. After all he would probably have reacted similarly if the roles had been reversed. He traced kisses up Steve’s neck and hummed when Steve’s arms snaked around his waist. “I’d rather be home with you right now,” he mumbled.

Steve huffed a soft laugh and turned his head to press a kiss to Bucky’s temple. “The others probably wouldn’t be so happy ‘bout that. But we’re going back to your place, right? When it’s tidy it’s actually not so bad.”

“Screw you, Rogers. You just wanna use me for my huge bed, admit it.”

Pulling Bucky closer by his shirt, Steve shrugged and grinned. “Well, yeah, but I want you in it, too.”

Bucky raised a brow. “That so?”

“Definitely.” Before Bucky could make another stupid comment, Steve closed the small gap between them and stole a kiss. Bucky’s eyes closed automatically and he kissed Steve back. He couldn’t wait to get back home, snuggle into bed with Steve and make out or talk or do whatever Steve wanted to do until they fell asleep, no matter how sappy it might sound. He certainly could see himself falling asleep and waking up next to Steve for the rest of his life.

Thinking of… “Hey, Stevie, why’d you –?”

“There you are!” Natasha’s voice suddenly cut through the darkness and both Steve and Bucky flinched as if she’d caught them doing god knows what. “James, why aren’t you dancing?”

“Uh… We needed some air.”

“Well I’m sure you’ve had enough ‘air’, now c’mon. Clint isn’t really feeling it and there’s some weirdo who keeps creeping up on me and you know they’re gonna kick me out if I punch someone again.”

Knowing that resistance was futile Bucky didn’t argue when Nat grabbed his hand and Steve just rolled his eyes, mumbling something along the lines of “If you wouldn’t always start fights…” as he trotted after them. It took all of Bucky’s self-control not to laugh out loud – Steve was one to talk but apparently he didn’t register the irony of his own statement.

Back inside Steve took a quick look around and then turned right to head back to the bar but Bucky stopped him before he could disappear between a bunch of people. “You gonna be okay there?” he called over the music.

“Sure, Jane’s over there with Bruce and I bet the rest isn’t far, either.” With that Steve pecked Bucky’s cheek and then slowly made his way through the crowd towards the bar.

Natasha tugged on Bucky’s arm impatiently, already swaying to the beat, and Bucky followed her on the dancefloor. His eyes swept over the other dancers around them to see if the creep Nat had talked about was anywhere in sight but she shook her head. Good, he really didn’t feel like keeping Natasha from punching some asshole that bothered her even if he deserved it, and so he closed his eyes and moved to the rhythm of the music. He didn’t know the song, something fast and more pop than punk or alternative, but it was great to dance to and soon he was completely lost in the music. When he felt Natasha’s hands on his waist he looked down at her and grinned. She was his go-to dance partner, mostly because Steve refused to dance with him and Nat was an amazing dancer, and it was hardly surprising that practically all eyes were on her every time she was on the dancefloor. Usually she enjoyed the attention but now Bucky saw her frown and he instantly looked around to see if there was someone near her whose hands were somewhere they didn’t belong. To his confusion she just nodded behind him and right in that moment someone tapped on his shoulder.

“Hey!” that someone called right behind him.

Bucky whirled around just to find himself face to face with none other than Nice A– Matt. Shit. They were surrounded by people, there was no way to make a quick escape and… okay, fine, he might be overreacting a little since Matt was actually smiling at him and didn’t seem to be mad but Bucky felt his face burn in shame nonetheless. “Uh…Hi,” he managed and smiled back sheepishly.

Matt leaned a little closer so Bucky could hear him over the bass. “Where’s your friend?”

“Doesn’t dance. And, uh, boyfriend, actually.”

Clearly Matt hadn’t caught that, it was hardly surprising with the thumping music around them, and Bucky more saw than heard him yell, “What?”

“Boyfriend!” he shouted back and this time Matt seemed to understand. 

He raised a brow, clearly wondering if Bucky was lying now or could have lied the last time they’d met, but eventually he grinned. “Too bad, really.”

Bucky laughed, seriously doubting that anyone in their right mind would so much as consider getting involved with him again after that disaster. 

Apparently Matt wasn’t that crazy, though, because he added, “Wouldn’t wanna blow you again but you seem cool.”

With a groan that couldn’t be heard over the music Bucky ran a hand over his face in a futile attempt to hide his blush, then he shook his head and called, “Thanks? I guess.”

Matt glanced over Bucky’s shoulder and nodded at someone at the far end of the dancefloor. “I gotta go. Good luck to you two.” And with that he vanished in a sea of moving bodies.

When Bucky turned back to Nat she eyed him with a slightly disapproving look on her face but he honestly didn’t understand why. He was still allowed to talk to the guy, Christ, what was she even thinking of him? Determined to ignore her he started dancing again and let the music take over his thoughts.

***

“So… What’d that guy want?” Steve’s voice was just a tad too casual when Bucky finally came back to the bar shortly before closing time. He wasn’t sure if Nat had told Steve about his encounter with Matt or if Steve had seen it but it didn’t matter anyway. Steve definitely was drunker than he’d been before Bucky had gone dancing with Nat but that might just be because Thor had managed to smuggle his own booze into the club – Bucky could see the empty bottle at the foot of the bar, right next to Steve.

“He was just bein’ nice and came by to say hi.”

“C’mon, guys, we’re leaving,” Pepper chimed in, completely oblivious to their conversation, and gently pushed Steve towards the door.

Steve frowned as he stumbled out into the cold and Bucky wrapped an arm around his waist to steady him. Obviously the conversation wasn’t over yet, though, and now Steve didn’t even bother to hide his sarcasm. “Bein’ nice like last time?”

“Oh come on, Stevie. I immediately told him I’m taken now. And I’d never have tried to, y’know… if I’d known you liked me back. You’re the only on ’m interested in.” Bucky couldn’t remember ever seeing Steve jealous before and decided it was probably the alcohol speaking so he bit back any other comment that crossed his mind and instead kissed the tip of Steve’s nose as they followed their friends across the dark street. “There’s no one else for me. Like, seriously, Frank Iero himself could come an’ ask me to marry him an’ I’d say no thanks.”

“Now you’re making fun of me,” Steve grumbled and almost stumbled over his own feet. “Great.”

“Just a tiny bit.” Bucky grinned and watched him closely as he held on tighter, wondering just how much of Thor’s stuff Steve had drunk. “Y’know, I think we should go straight to my place, babe.”

Abruptly, Steve stopped and stared at Bucky with his nose scrunched up. “Ewww.”

“Huh? What happened?”

“Don’ call me babe. That’s just… weird. No.”

Bucky chuckled and gently pulled Steve with him again. Thank god his place wasn’t far from Clint’s and they’d almost reached his street. “Then what should I call you? Honey? Cutie? Doll?”

“I hate you.”

Pressing a wet kiss to Steve’s cheek, Bucky noticed that their friends were already a dozen yards ahead of them and had passed the corner to his street. “C’mon, doll, say good night to the others.”

“Shut up. Don’t baby me.”

Bucky rolled his eyes and called out, “Guys, this one needs to get some sleep. Have fun continuing without us.” He ignored their protests and pleas to go to Clint’s place with them, waved goodbye and pulled Steve around the corner leading towards his own apartment. It took longer than usual to reach it and the stairs obviously didn’t mean well by Steve but eventually Bucky managed to usher him into his apartment, sat him down on his desk chair and got him some water before urging him to get ready for bed.

Once Steve had finally brushed his teeth – not without lots of grumbling which couldn’t have made it easy – and climbed into Bucky’s bed Bucky locked the apartment door and then headed into the bathroom to get ready as well. While Bucky brushed his hair he leaned against the sink and smiled to himself. All things considered it had been a nice evening.

A few minutes later he switched off the light and padded over to the bed (it was so much easier to walk in the dark when the floor wasn’t littered with clothes and other things and he didn’t trip once; maybe he should clean up more often. Then again… no.), slipped under the covers and cuddled into Steve’s warm body. 

Steve’s voice was small and somehow insecure when he spoke into the quiet when Bucky had settled against him. “Buck?” 

“Yes?”

“Why’d you sleep with all these people?”

It was hard to see Steve’s expression in the dark, Bucky could barely discern his features, but he turned around to face him nonetheless.

“You said you had a crush on me since we were sixteen. But since then you’ve slept with… with a lotta people.” Steve was obviously trying to keep his words neutral but Bucky instantly felt guilty all the same. “I guess I jus’ wanna understand why,” he added quietly.

With a quiet sigh Bucky started caressing Steve’s cheek. He had asked himself this exact question a hundred times and Steve deserved an answer but he’d rather talked about it when they were both sober – but that wasn’t an option now. “I was an idiot who had no idea how to deal with his feelings so I did some stupid things. I’m not tryna make excuses or anything an’ I’m probably still an idiot but I know now that it was stupid an’ I think deep down I knew it wouldn’ work, it’s just that I thought you’d never like me the way I liked you an’ it… it helped me forget for a little while, y’know. Until it was over an’ I felt even shittier. I guess braggin’ about it in front of you was me tryna make it seem… better, like convincing myself it hadn’t been that bad but it kinda always left a bad taste.”

It was quiet for so long that Bucky thought Steve had fallen asleep until Steve finally hummed and buried his face in the crook of Bucky’s neck. “Guess that makes sense. You’ve never been good at findin’ solutions unless it’s got somethin’ to do with maths or technology.”

Bucky laughed softly. “Can’t really argue with that, I s’pose.” He could feel Steve drawing back a little and tilting his head up to look at him. His eyes had adjusted to the dark enough to make out Steve’s face when he was this close and he could see that his boyfriend still looked insecure as he licked his lips.

“But what will you do when you wanna have sex again?” 

“I’m just gonna suck it up,” Bucky joked quietly. “Really, ’s not the end of the world.”

Steve scooted back so he could prop himself up on his elbow. “I’m serious, Buck. You don’ know if you can always do that. I mean, ’s something you’ve always enjoyed, aren’t you gonna miss it?”

Bucky shifted until he could cup Steve’s face with his hands. “Stevie, listen. Yeah, I like sex. I might miss it once in a while. But what you gotta know is that it would never be good when you aren’t into it, you hear me? And it’s fine that you aren’t. It’s not an issue. You say you don’ wanna sleep with me an’ I ain’t gonna try to convince you otherwise ‘cause that’s not how this works. Plus I’d feel like an asshole. ‘s not good if you don’ feel comfortable an’ don’t enjoy it. When you say you never even wanna try it I gotta respect that an’ I will. Always an’ forever.”

“You can’t promise that, Buck. Forever’s a very long time.”

“Sure I can. I told you, you’re stuck with me till the end of the line an’ this ain’t gonna change anything. I’m so lucky to have you, y’know, that’s way better than any sex could ever be.”

Steve blinked once, then he pressed his forehead against Bucky’s and whispered, “I love you.”

Oh. Wow. Bucky had not seen that coming, not this fast, and he hadn’t expected all those butterflies to riot in his stomach. He swallowed and murmured, “I love you, too, punk. Don’t you ever think sex is more important than you are, okay?”

“Kay.” A split second later Steve’s lips were on Bucky’s in a deep kiss that left them both breathless when they finally pulled apart again. Steve smiled softly and placed a few more feather light kisses on Bucky’s jaw and neck as he shuffled down so he could rest his head on Bucky’s chest. His fingertips traced over Bucky’s stomach and side for a while until they ran down Bucky’s arm and he intertwined their fingers.

Bucky smiled even though Steve couldn’t see it and yawned while pulling Steve just a bit closer so their bodies were pressed together from head to toe. “Y’know, we should probably tell our families we broke off the engagement an’ went back to being boyfriends for now,” he suggested, already half asleep. 

When Steve nodded his hair tickled Bucky’s chin. “Yeah, don’ think they should find out we lied to ‘em.”

“Definitely not. How ‘bout we do it on Friday?”

“Nuh-uh, not Friday.”

“You got plans?”

“We got plans,” Steve corrected. “I’m takin’ you out on Friday. Very special first date, ‘member?”

Bucky lifted his head and looked down at the top of Steve’s head. “Uhh, you make it sound so mysterious. What is it?”

“Not tellin’ you. ’s a surprise,” Steve mumbled and used his free hand to pull the blanket higher.

“But Steeeviiie!”

“Nope. You gotta wait. Now go to sleep.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My account keeps fucking with me so I had to upload this chapter again, sorry ._.  
> Sooo... Grumpy drunk Steve, important talk (which they won't have forgotten the next day, they aren't that drunk, promise) and love confessions, yay ^_^  
> I also finally got my notes and ideas for the coming chapters sorted out and in order and well, looks like there's still quite a lot that's bound to happen, we might actually get to 100k words with this story o.o I certainly hope you'll stick around ^_^


	33. Chapter 33

Steve was woken up by something warm against his neck and a voice whispering into his ear. It took several seconds to figure out that Bucky had pushed his face into the crook of Steve’s neck and was mumbling unintelligible words between soft kisses to Steve’s skin. Turning a little so he could wrap an arm around Bucky Steve sighed contentedly. Bucky immediately curled further into him and placed a few more kisses on Steve’s neck and below his ear, making Steve shiver.

“Stevie, what’re we gonna do on Friday?” he whispered and kissed the sensitive spot again.

“Hm?” Steve’s sleep-addled brain needed embarrassingly long to remember what Bucky was talking about and combined with the soft kisses it was hard to focus on anything at all. Finally it clicked and he shook his head. “Nuh-uh. Not tellin’ you.”

“But Steve…” Bucky protested and Steve rolled onto his side so he could look at him.

“No. Why’re you even awake already? ‘s like what, nine in the morning?”

“Yeah. But I wanna know now.”

Steve groaned and heaved himself up so he could climb on top of Bucky and straddle his hips. Looking down at him he tilted his head and pretended to think about it, then he smiled sweetly, placed his hands on either side of Bucky’s shoulders on the mattress and leaned down a little to whisper, “I won’t tell you.”

With a frustrated huff Bucky propped himself up on his elbows so their faces were only a few inches apart and stuck his bottom lip out. “Pretty please?” Bucky begged while sporting his best puppy eyes (which were pretty damn convincing so Steve was proud of himself for not giving in immediately). Shaking his head, Steve leaned forward until Bucky was forced to lie back down and Steve was resting on Bucky’s chest.

“That’s not fair, if you didn’t want me askin’ you shouldn’t’ve told me we were going out on Friday.”

Of course Bucky would try to argue but Steve would be damned if he spoiled the surprise. Besides, he couldn’t just show up on Friday expecting Bucky not to have any plans – sure, Fridays had been their usual hang out days but Steve didn’t take all of that for granted anymore and if Bucky had said he had other plans he’d have respected that. It was way too early for all of this anyway, considering they had spent half the night drinking, so Steve decided to ignore Bucky’s pleas and got comfortable on top of him by wiggling around so he ended up with his head tucked under Bucky’s chin. “Shhhh. Tired. Wanna sleep.”

“If you’re trying to kill me before our date you’re well on the way,” Bucky grumbled and poked Steve once. “If I don’t die of curiosity smothering me with your body will do the job.”

“But I wanna cuddle,” Steve squeaked and swatted Bucky’s hand away.

“Cuddle monster. This can’t possibly be comfortable.”

Steve just made a noncommittal sound, stretched out his legs between Bucky’s and closed his eyes. It was in fact very comfortable and Bucky was warm and had the perfect size (admittedly, this would’ve been even better back when Steve had been small) so when Bucky didn’t protest anymore and instead just rested his hands on Steve’s back Steve soon started dozing again. Now and then memories of the previous night came to his mind and he sighed contentedly. He could never express how relieved he was that Bucky’s attempts to get over him had been futile – even if it was selfish. If it hadn’t taken Steve this goddamn long to fall in love with Bucky (or realise he loved him) they could have had this years ago, but at least this way he had gotten a chance to get to be with his best friend in a way he’d barely dared to imagine after all and he couldn’t be happier about it.

And last night he’d actually told him he loved him. It had just slipped out, he hadn’t even meant to say it, afraid he might be moving too fast – even if that fear was probably completely irrational since Bucky had said it a few times now –, but that didn’t make it any less true. He loved Bucky and he never wanted to be with anyone else.

“Stevie? Not that I mind having you close but you’re really getting heavy,” Bucky whispered into Steve’s hair, startling Steve from his thoughts.

“But this is nice,” Steve grumbled and turned his head to look up at Bucky.

“Well unless you wanna cuddle with a corpse ‘cause I suffocated I’d suggest you move,” Bucky groaned but then his lips pulled up into a smirk. “Besides, I’m more of a top anyway.”

“A …? Oh. Ha. Very funny,” Steve huffed and rolled his eyes.

“I’m hilarious. Now get off me, pleeease.” Bucky started wriggling underneath Steve until he could get his hands on Steve’s chest and pushed against him.

With a dramatic sigh, Steve slowly rolled off of Bucky and came to lie next to him. Bucky took a few deep breaths (just for effect, of that Steve was sure) and stretched as much as possible before snuggling into Steve’s side and a moment later Steve’s hands were in his hair, playing with strands and running through it.

“You got any plans today? ‘cause if not we could just stay here all day, order pizza and do nothin’ at all…” Bucky mumbled and pulled the hem of Steve’s shirt up a few inches so he could draw patterns on Steve’s skin with his fingertips.

“I gotta finish some stuff, should probably get going soon.”

“Nooo.”

Steve pressed a kiss to Bucky’s forehead. “Sorry, Buck, but unfortunately my paper isn’t gonna write itself.”

“You could write it here, with me, in bed.”

“I’d love to but I can’t, all the stuff I need is at home. And you’d probably distract me the whole time anyway.”

“Ugh. At least stay a little longer?” Bucky pleaded and wrapped a leg around Steve’s.

Steve agreed and closed his eyes to focus on the sensation of Bucky’s fingertips on his skin. Even though he wished he could stay in bed like this the whole day he knew he couldn’t avoid all responsibilities. Work was important and so was keeping his grades up. There was no way he could miss this deadline and he should get his commissions done before he started his summer job the following week.

The vibration of his phone interrupted his train of thought and he blindly reached for it. When he saw the number on the screen his heart missed a beat and he sat up so fast Bucky made a startled noise. He answered the call immediately and listened for a while, only humming in understanding now and then. His hand that had unconsciously clenched around Bucky’s wrist loosened its grip and when he ended the call he just sat there for a few moments, staring at the opposite wall.

Only Bucky’s quiet voice finally brought him back to the here and now. “Steve? You okay?”

Steve shook his head to clear his thoughts, then he nodded slowly and looked at Bucky, relief written over his face. “That was the hospital. They said Mum is doing better, the antibiotics finally seem to work and they think they have the sepsis under control.”

“That’s great, Stevie!” Bucky pulled him into a hug. “You gonna visit her?”

“Tomorrow, she’s sleeping again. I better head home, though, so I can get some work done…” Steve allowed himself to relish Bucky’s warmth a few more seconds before drawing back.

“Yeah… Guess that’s best. I’m so happy for her, really.”

Since he hadn’t brought a lot of things Steve gathered everything in no time and after getting dressed he made his way to the door. Bucky stopped him by taking a hold of the front of Steve’s shirt and with a “Hold on, Rogers, you forgot somethin’,” he pulled him close for a kiss. In an instant Steve’s hands were on Bucky’s hips and without even thinking about it Steve pushed Bucky against the wall. Letting Bucky pull him flush against his body Steve just stood there for a while, looking into his boyfriends eyes, and a soft smile spread over his face. He leaned in and peppered tiny kisses all over Bucky’s face. Bucky laughed and wrapped his arms around Steve’s shoulders as he tilted his head back.

“What’s gotten into you?”

“I’m just happy.” Burying his face in the crook of Bucky’s neck, Steve inhaled his familiar scent and smiled to himself. His life was finally getting back on track and everything seemed close to perfect. He couldn’t wait to visit his mother. And for his first date with Bucky. Before Steve left Bucky stole another kiss and told him to greet his mother the next day.

Back home Steve stopped at his desk and booted up his laptop. The paper and a commission were still waiting for him and he only had a few more days until he had to finish them. He should also think about finding a way to get more commissions – during the break he would be able to draw more and he really needed the money; his summer job wouldn’t pay that well. After turning on some music he checked his phone to find a new text from Bucky.

**_Hey, so, where are we going on Friday?_ **

He should have known Bucky wouldn’t stop bugging him that easily. Shaking his head with a smile he typed back, _Told you you’ll have to wait. It’s supposed to be a surprise._

Bucky’s reply came only seconds later. **_But I hate waiting_**

_But you love surprises_

**_Yeah but it’s still sooo long till Friday!! Can you at least gimme a hint?_ **

While heading to his tiny kitchen to get something to drink Steve replied, _It’s only two days, Buck. But fine. It’ll take a bit to get there_

**_Oh come on that’s not helping at all! A hint what we’re gonna do?_ **

_Forget it. Be patient ;)_

**_UGH!!!_ **

_I’m not gonna spoil the surprise._ He went back to his desk, set down the bottle of soda, sat down in front of his laptop and opened up the right document. Only a few seconds later his phone chimed with another message.

**_*Bucky – 1 new message – Photo*_ **

Steve tapped the screen to open the picture and grinned when he saw that Bucky had sent a photo of himself pouting into the camera. But no matter how cute Bucky looked or how many times he asked, Steve was not going to cave in. He wanted to see Bucky’s face when he realised what Steve had planned.

_I said forget it. You gotta wait. Promise it’ll be worth it_

**_:( :( :(_ **

**_Fucking tease_ **

**_At least tell me what I should wear_ **

_Casual’s fine. Just not your blow job shirt, please…_

**_Aw man I thought that’d be perfect, y’know, make a good impression and all that stuff_ **

_I’ve known you for 7 years, doubt there’s anything you could do to make a good impression after all the things I’ve seen :P_

**_Ur such a charmer, honestly_ **

Steve chuckled, turned off his phone and set it aside. As much as he wanted to keep texting Bucky it would only distract him. It was already past two and he really needed to get some work done so he decided to finish two chapters of his paper about Southeast Asian modern architecture first, afterwards he could get back to drawing. Soon he was immersed in his work, thumbing through pages of secondary literature and his own notes, looking for the best pictures to include in his paper, writing, deleting, rewriting and editing.

When he finally took a break a few hours later the sun was already setting. He hadn’t even noticed how hungry he’d gotten and when he got up he cracked his stiff back. Ugh, he really should remember to take small breaks in between, but when he was working he forgot everything around him.

While he waited for the microwave to heat up his dinner Steve switched his phone on again. A text from Pepper, three from Sam and one from Bucky. He quickly replied to Pepper and Sam’s ones, stopped the microwave two seconds before it started its annoying beep and placed the food on the counter, then he opened Bucky’s message.

**_I guess the prospect of sending you nudes won’t get you to tell me where we’re going either huh? :P_ **

Rolling his eyes, Steve typed a reply. _Unless you want me to use them as reference for one of my projects I don’t think I’ll have any use for them, sorry. And I’ve already seen you naked a couple times, remember?_

**_But you’ve never seen me like *that* ;)_ **

_Buck, you’re beautiful but it ain’t gonna get me to tell you_

**_Eh, was worth a shot_ **

**_But keep the compliments coming anyway :P_ **

Steve laughed to himself as he set the phone aside to eat. He was glad Bucky was still his teasing, flirty self and didn’t treat him any different. Things were perfect just the way they were.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another peek into Steve's perspective!! This wasn't even planned but eh, it just happened, and so I decided to leave their first date for the next chapter (also because writing's been going kinda slowly, so much other stuff to do...), I hope you liked this one nonetheless :)  
> And Steve is actually getting a pet name! :D Did anyone notice?


	34. Chapter 34

Bucky was stressed. His apartment was a huge mess – or rather back to its usual state, really – since he had practically ripped every single piece of clothing he owned out of his closet and left it on the floor, his desk or his bed, depending on how to suitable it was for a first date, to figure out what to wear. He had no idea how he should find his shoes in this chaos, much less his wallet, unless he accidentally stumbled over them. Maybe he should have thought about that beforehand. It really wasn’t that important now, though, he decided as he took a look around his apartment. ‘Casual’ wasn’t exactly specific and he still wanted to look good for Steve, sue him, so finding the perfect outfit was a real struggle.

After several changes and half a dozen photos sent to Pepper because he trusted her judgement the most (and didn’t feel like listening to Nat making fun of him for being this nervous) he had settled for a pair of light grey jeans he’d found in the far back of his wardrobe. They were tight as hell and he had no idea when he’d even bought them but damn, they made his ass look great and he hoped Steve would appreciate them. He still couldn’t decide which shirt to wear, though, and he only had fifteen more minutes. It was about damn time to get his shit together.

Lining up his top three shirt choices on top of his bed he eyed them for the umpteenth time and groaned. After a moment he decided to brush his teeth first while considering every option again. He knew he was not going to wear black tonight (boxers didn’t count, okay, it wasn’t like Steve was gonna try and get into his pants anyway and Bucky just felt weird not wearing any black at all) so lined up on his bed were a thin, dark blue sweatshirt, a red Henley shirt and a light blue button down. Thankfully it had cooled down a little so long sleeves would be alright, otherwise he wouldn’t have found any non-black articles of clothing.

He honestly wondered what on earth Steve could have planned. Bucky had seen the mischief in Steve’s eyes when he’d insisted again and again that he wouldn’t tell him where they were going and his excitement had been palpable. It had to be something really special if he made such a fuss about it – but then again it was Steve and if there was one thing Steve loved it was planning surprises. Truth be told Bucky had no clue what to expect; it could be anything.

And he still hadn’t gotten any further with figuring out which one of those stupid shirts he should wear. Pepper had advised him to wear something that complimented his eyes but he also really liked the red shirt. He looked into the mirror as if his reflection could make a decision for him. At least his hair looked good, he told himself as he rinsed out his mouth. God, he didn’t know why he was making such a fuss. It was just Steve, after all. But maybe that was exactly the point. It was Steve but this was still new and he was at least as nervous as he’d been the day he’d told Steve he was bi.

To his horror the doorbell interrupted his musing and he realised he was still shirtless. Fuck. Of course Steve would be early, why hadn’t he thought about that? He hurried to buzz Steve in and quickly searched for his wallet in the heap of clothes next to his desk while feverishly trying to settle for one shirt. Last minute decisions certainly weren’t his strong suit and he didn’t even have a minute; he could already hear Steve’s footsteps on the stairs. His fingertips brushed over something cool and smooth and he barely managed to suppress a cry of victory when his fingers closed around his wallet but in the next moment there was a knock on his apartment door and he cursed quietly. He had two options: Put on the next best shirt or open the door just the way he was. With another curse he chose the latter and crossed the small distance to the door to open it.

“Hey.”

For a moment all the nervousness and panic of the past few hours were forgotten and Bucky just stared at the sight in front of him. Steve was smiling brightly at him and looked absolutely stunning. He was wearing his nice pair of shoes, dark jeans and a grey button down shirt. The sleeves were rolled up and damn him if Bucky wasn’t a sucker for Steve in button downs – yeah, fine, Steve could be wearing anything, really, and Bucky would still think he’d be hot as hell –, he couldn’t even exactly say why but Steve in this kind of shirt just did things to Bucky (and it didn’t only have to do with the mental image of him ripping it off of Steve’s body).

As Steve in turn looked Bucky up and down his smile gave way to a look of confusion. “Um… you didn’t forget that we have plans tonight, did you?” he asked in lieu of a greeting.

“’course not, why do you think I’m still half naked? I don’t know what to wear…” Bucky admitted sheepishly and bit his lip, expecting Steve to laugh as he let him into his apartment.

But Steve, being the (almost) perfect human being he was, didn’t laugh. Instead his eyes roamed over the mess Bucky had made, then he simply shook his head, looked back at Bucky and smiled fondly. “I can see that. You need any help?”

“Yes, please. I don’t know which shirt to go for.” He would have slumped down in frustration but every horizontal surface was covered with clothes so he kept staying next to the door self-consciously.

“You know I’ll think you’re gorgeous no matter what you wear, right?” Steve kissed Bucky’s cheek and took another look around while Bucky told the butterflies in his stomach to stop fucking around. His nervousness had just gotten a little better, there really was no need for butterflies making him feel all soft and weird inside.

He felt his cheeks heat up and mumbled, “That’s nice ‘n all but I just wanna… I don’t know, I want it to be special, even if it’s dumb.”

“It’s not dumb,” Steve reassured him. “To be honest, I changed four times.”

Leaning into Steve’s side Bucky chuckled and teased, “Four times? That’s nothing. And you look amazing by the way.”

“Thank you,” Steve smiled and with another look around added, “Now, uh, please tell me you at least narrowed down the choice or else we might be late.”

“Late for what?”

“You’ll see.”

“But Steve –!” Bucky wanted to protest but Steve didn’t let him finish.

“Nope. Clothes, Buck, remember?”

“Fine,” Bucky grumbled. In his opinion Steve could very well tell him now how they would spend their evening. “The ones on the bed.”

Steve certainly didn’t think so and just made his way through the chaos to look at the shirts. “There’s nothing black here,” he noted with a hint of surprise in his voice.

“Well, yeah. Told you this was special. So, which one do you like best?”

Turning around to face Bucky, Steve thought about it for a moment and then asked, “Which one do you prefer?”

“If I knew that I wouldn’t still be shirtless.”

“Okay, so. Which one is the one you feel most comfortable in?”

“They’re all comfy. And that’s not the point. I’m supposed to look pretty. Pepper said to go for one of the blue ones.” Bucky watched at Steve ran his fingers over the shirts and bit his lip.

“I’m positive you’re pretty in all of those. Hmm… How ‘bout the dark blue one? It’s closest to your comfort zone, it looks nice and it’s soft. And if Pepper says so it can’t be a bad choice, huh?”

“You sure?”

“Absolutely. And Bucky, you really don’t need to worry about that. I just want you to have a good time and be comfortable and I think you’re beautiful no matter what you’re wearing. So don’t worry, ‘kay?”

That was easier said than done, really. Bucky wanted to do this right, he wanted to look nice for Steve, wanted to show him he was making an effort and taking things seriously, he wanted it to be perfect, okay? He wanted a perfect first date and he frankly didn’t give a fuck if it sounded cheesy or clichéd or whatever. He’d waited too damn long for this to be anything else than amazing. Still he nodded, snatched the sweatshirt from his bed and had already pulled it halfway over his head when he stopped and peeked at Steve over the collar. “I mean, unless you want me to go shirtless. I’ll go shirtless, you just gotta say the word.”

“You’re insufferable. And I’m not gonna watch you get arrested for public indecency.”

Bucky tugged the hem down and grinned. “I wasn’t planning on flashing anyone, relax.” He ran his hand through his hair again before pocketing his phone and wallet and finally kneeling down next to a heap of clothes where he’d hopefully find his shoes.

“By the way, there are easier ways to get dressed for a date, you know? Ones that don’t involve leaving a mess,” Steve noted with an amused look while Bucky threw some shorts over his shoulder.

“Those are boring. Besides, how else would you know I’ve been freaking out?” Bucky only half-joked as he untangled the laces of the shoes he’d just found from the buttons of a jacket. Now that Steve was here he felt a lot calmer and panicking seemed rather ridiculous if he was being honest.

Shaking his head with a soft smile Steve watched as Bucky put on his shoes and asked, “You got everything?”

Bucky answered in the affirmative and when Steve offered his arm he was honestly proud of himself for not swooning too obviously. He tucked his arm into Steve’s, grabbed his keys, closed the door and locked up behind them. While they took the stairs Bucky once again tried to get Steve to tell him about his plans for the night but Steve stubbornly held his tongue and insisted Bucky should wait.

They stepped into the light of the late afternoon sun. It was still warm but not nearly as hot as it had been the past few days and Bucky was glad that going outside didn’t feel like stepping into a sauna anymore. He blinked a few times until his eyes had adjusted to the light after the dark of the hallway. When he realised Steve’s bike was nowhere in sight he turned his head to ask if they were going to take the subway when something caught his eye. With a low whistle he nodded past Steve. “Hey, Stevie, check that out.”

“Hm?” Steve’s eyes followed Bucky’s gaze and a moment later he was pulled down the street towards a dark car.

“What a beauty! Look at that. That’s a Buick GSX, early seventies if I’m not mistaken.” Stopping in front of the car, Bucky leaned down to peek inside and then let go of Steve to round it once. “Wow, it’s gorgeous. But seriously, who the hell would leave a car like this _here_ of all places? Are they crazy?!”

“That would be me, actually.”

“Huh?”

Pulling something from his pocket, Steve grinned. “Catch.”

“Wha-?” Bucky’s eyes were wide when he caught the keys a moment before they hit the ground. “You’re fucking with me right now, aren’t you?”

“Nope. Try them.”

Bucky stared at Steve for another second or two, his face full of disbelief, before rounding the car again to unlock the driver’s door. If possible his eyes widened even more when the lock gave a satisfying click and the door opened. “Please tell me you didn’t steal it.”

Steve laughed. “Nah. Tony knows a guy who let me borrow it for tonight. Come on, get in.”

“I can drive it?!”

“Well yeah, that’s why I gave you the keys.”

Without another second of hesitation Bucky slid into the driver’s seat and reverently rested his hands on the smooth leather of the wheel. “Holy fuck… This is already the best date ever,” he whispered and looked up to beam at Steve.

Steve took Bucky’s right hand and pressed a kiss to his knuckles. “It’s gonna get even better. And you’re also pretty easy to impress,” he added with a grin. He’d been positive that Bucky would like this kind of surprise but seeing him this excited made Steve’s heart flutter and he couldn’t wait to see his face when they arrived at their destination.

Bucky chose that exact moment to ask, “Where are we even going?”

“You’ll see.”

“Are you kidding? How ‘m I supposed to drive when I don’t even know where we’re headed?!”

“I’ll tell you where to go. Gotta get out of the city first and then head north-west.”

Bucky grumbled a little but started the car and pulled onto the street. The Buick’s engine purred as they made their way through Lower Manhattan and Bucky smiled despite the slow traffic. This was so much better than taking his parents’ minivan and if he hadn’t had his Camaro waiting to be fixed he might have considered getting a car just like this one. Even the slight static of the radio made him happy, it was so authentic, and he told Steve as much as they drove into New Jersey and north towards the interstate while he let Steve choose the radio station.

After about forty-five minutes Steve guided him on the highway. The landscape changed, cities giving way to smaller towns and wooded areas before they finally turned right onto a turnpike. Bucky still had no clue where they were going; he’d never been in this part of New Jersey before. He took quick looks around now and again as the turnpike led them through forests, past several lakes and finally back into New York. His eyes grew wide again as they drove past a few fields and a handful of houses and he spotted something in the distance. No freaking way.

“Steve. Steve. Stevie. There’s a drive-in theatre! Is that it?!” He glanced over at Steve, buzzing with excitement, before turning his eyes back on the road.

“I mean I was gonna take you bowling but we can go there if you wanna,” Steve teased and Bucky practically squealed as he took a right turn after the sign and drove down the road towards the theatre’s pay booth.

He hadn’t been able to read all of the movies that were being shown but he had caught the titles of some current blockbusters. At this point he barely even cared what they were going to watch, though, he was absolutely thrilled that Steve had taken him here. Bucky hadn’t been in a drive-in theatre since he’d been a child and he couldn’t quite believe Steve had remembered him raving about how much he’d loved it. There was something special and magical about drive-ins and it reminded him of childhood and animated movies and coming here with Steve would surely be just as amazing.

He stopped the car at the pay booth and raised a brow at Steve when the lady asked which movies they wanted to see. They seemed to offer double features but Bucky still had no idea what Steve would choose. Maybe some action movies, those usually weren’t bad.

Apparently Steve had other plans, though. “Two tickets for the classics, please,” he said as he leaned over Bucky. Way to make it mysterious, but classics were a good start in Bucky’s opinion.

While Steve was paying Bucky took in the area with its three giant screens and the few dozen cars that were already there. The theatre was smaller than the one he used to visit with his parents in Indianapolis and it was located in a rural area instead with few houses around. The screens were almost as huge as the ones he remembered and there was a snack bar. After Bucky had parked the car in the right area with a perfect view on the screen Steve urged him to get out and head over to the snack bar first.

“Are you gonna tell me which movies we’re watching or do I have to walk back to the sign?” Bucky asked when Steve interlaced their fingers and pulled Bucky towards the snack bar.

Steve sighed with faked exasperation. “Can’t you just let yourself be surprised for once?”

“All of this was already a surprise,” Bucky muttered.

As they queued Steve put an arm around Bucky’s shoulders and asked, “And you like it, don’t you?”

Bucky had to admit that he absolutely loved it. This was far better than any date he’d ever imagined and Steve had to be careful spoiling him like this since Bucky definitely could get used to dates of this kind. He snuggled into Steve’s side and decided he could wait until the movies started to find out what Steve had chosen. What couldn’t wait, though, were the pizza and popcorn they got since Bucky’s stomach was grumbling. He hadn’t even noticed he was hungry until he smelled the cheese and tomato sauce and it took all of his self-control not to dig in right then and there. Luckily he didn’t have to wait long, they soon were back at the car and sat down in the grass next to it because it was still warm and nice in the slowly setting sun.

The pizza was just as delicious as it smelled and Bucky licked the last bits of sauce from his fingers with an obscene moan that cause Steve to roll his eyes at him but before Steve could comment on it Bucky leaned over and pecked him on the lips. Steve smiled and rested his head on Bucky’s shoulder as they enjoyed the sunlight and each other’s company.

When it was time for the movie to start they got back into the car and Steve turned the radio to the right frequency. Bucky put the popcorn between the seats and got comfortable. It wasn’t dark yet when the screen came to live but Bucky wouldn’t even have had to see it to know the movie as soon as the sound started playing over the car radio and he recognised the opening scene by its song.

“No way!” he exclaimed nonetheless as his eyes were glued to the screen, watching the names flicker across it, followed by a David Bowie quote and finally by a picture of a high school.

Steve reached for the popcorn and smiled. “I know it’s not Sixteen Candles but it’s John Hughes so I thought you’d like it.”

“The Breakfast Club is awesome, too. It’s practically a masterpiece. What’s the second movie?”

It was hard to laugh with a mouth full of popcorn so Steve just snorted and nudged Bucky as he swallowed. “How about you just watch this one first?”

This time Bucky didn’t even complain anymore and just turned his attention back to the screen. He’d seen the film a few times before but Hughes’ movies were ones you could watch over and over again.

The only thing about a drive-in theatre that kind of sucked was that cuddling with Steve proved rather difficult, Bucky realised halfway through the movie, but there would be plenty of time later when they were back home so he settled for holding Steve’s hand for now. And maybe feed him a piece of popcorn every now and then when their free hands met in the bag of popcorn. Who would’ve thought that he, Bucky Barnes, would turn into the epitome of a sappy teen just because Steve took him on a date to see some old films?

The second movie turned out to be Grease – Bucky would have preferred Can’t Buy Me Love or Back to the Future if he was being honest but Grease had some pretty amazing cars and if he kept Steve from watching the entire movie by kissing him during the boring scenes Steve wasn’t complaining. That was what movie theatres were for, after all. While the girls on screen had their slumber party Bucky leaned over the centre console, cupped Steve’s face with his hands and pressed a few sweet, chaste kisses that tasted like popcorn against Steve’s lips.

“This is officially the best date ever,” he whispered as he looked into Steve’s eyes. The blue changed its shade with the light of the screen that was now the only thing illuminating the car’s interior and the corners of Steve’s eyes crinkled when he smiled.

“I’m happy you like it.”

“I love it. You can take me out like this anytime.”

Bucky wasn’t ashamed to admit that he didn’t see the rest of the movie except for the final scene and instead kept kissing his boyfriend and explored the skin of his neck and right below his collar. He gently nipped and licked at Steve’s neck and collarbones, all the while looking out for any signs Steve might want him to stop but they never came. As long as Bucky kept his hands above Steve’s clothes Steve seemed to enjoy Bucky’s attention.

Eventually Steve got tired of twisting around and leaning over the console so he pulled Bucky into his lap with some difficulty and lots of chuckling to make things easier. His fingertips ghosted through Bucky’s hair, over his nape and down his back as they traded soft kisses. To Bucky’s surprise Steve’s hands eventually slipped under his shirt and came to rest on his back, warm and reassuring as Steve pressed a kiss to Bucky’s hair.

Bucky only turned back to the screen when the first notes of the last musical number sounded from the radio (because that one was epic and he was not going to miss it) and moved around in Steve’s lap so Steve could watch it, too. When it had ended Steve put a finger under Bucky’s chin and tilted it back so Bucky met his eyes in the semi-darkness. He looked up at Bucky with pure adoration in his eyes. “This is the best night of my life, by far,” he said quietly.

“Mine, too,” Bucky mumbled and wrapped his arms around the back of Steve’s neck, then he leaned forward to kiss him again.

 

***

 

Steve's outfit (only he's younger and clean shaven)

Bucky's hair has gotten rather long by now so this is more or less the length but his sweatshirt in this chapter isn't as sheer and is supposed to have the same colour as Bucky's Howling Commandos uniform in the first Cap movie. Also, no jacket.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DATE NIGHT!!!! It took longer than expected because I wanted this chapter to be good but I'm a hot mess atm so I needed some time to edit this properly and add and rewrite a few things (there actually is a drive-in theatre about one and a half hours from New York btw so that was perfect, too). I was so excited about this and I really hope you guys like this chapter and how it turned out! c:  
> EDIT: Fricking hell I'm so tired I completely forgot to put the photos in this chapter, so sorry! Have some visual references!!


	35. Chapter 35

No matter how high Bucky’s expectations had been, this date had exceeded them. He and Steve had stayed at the theatre a little longer, exchanging kisses and cuddling in the front seat until almost all of the other cars had left. On the drive back they had held hands whenever possible and Bucky had been able to feel Steve’s eyes on him for the entire ride.

Back home they had curled up in Bucky’s bed with Bucky’s head on Steve’s chest and Steve’s arms around him. Steve fished a cookie from the box on the bedside table because he had gotten hungry again halfway back to New York and Bucky had promised he still had Steve’s favourites in his tiny kitchen. While Steve kept munching cookies and playing with Bucky’s hair absentmindedly, Bucky curled further into Steve’s side and ran his hand up and down his boyfriend’s torso.

“You want some?”

“Huh?” Bucky craned his neck to glance up at Steve in confusion and couldn’t help but notice how soft and young he looked in the dim light of the single string of lights above the bed.

In lieu of an answer, Steve got another cookie and held it in front of Bucky’s face. With a grunt Bucky sat up and gently took the cookie between his teeth, then he straddled Steve’s hips and leaned down until Steve could take a bite. Steve chuckled and wrapped his arms around Bucky’s waist as he stole the cookie from Bucky’s lips before kissing him.

“We should do that more often,” he mumbled as his hands rubbed small circles against Bucky’s sides.

“Eat in bed?”

“That, too,” Steve grinned. “But I meant go on dates. Just do special things together every once in a while.”

Bucky nodded enthusiastically. There were lots of things he wanted to do with Steve, not as his best friend but his boyfriend, and he couldn’t wait for it. “Absolutely. You gotta tell me as soon as you know your exact work schedule so we can start planning.”

Steve smiled and pulled Bucky close so he could bury his face in the crook of his neck and pepper soft kisses onto his skin. With a smile Bucky moved a little so he was comfortable enough holding up part of his own weight with his elbows since he didn’t want to crush Steve and heaved a contended little sigh. He turned his head and kissed Steve’s hair.

“Buck?” Steve whispered against Bucky’s skin, making him shiver.

“Yeah?”

“Would you take your shirt off?”

Looking over to meet Steve’s eyes, Bucky wiggled his brows and teased, “Uhhh, Stevie, wanna see me naked?”

Steve rolled his eyes but couldn’t help the little smirk on his lips. “I said shirt, not everything. Stop being a jerk. If you don’t wanna, though, that’s absolutely fine,” he added quickly with a hint of concern in his voice.

“No, it’s fine. You wanna take it off for me?”

“Um, sure…”

As Bucky sat back on his heels to give them more space Steve followed him up, his finger trailing down Bucky’s sides until they stopped at the hem of Bucky’s shirt. With their faces mere inches apart, Steve waited until Bucky gave a small nod and an encouraging smile, only then did Steve take a hold of the fabric and started pushing it up, exposing warm, soft skin and finally pulling the shirt over Bucky’s head to discard it on the floor. For several seconds all he did was stare at Bucky before his fingertips started ghosting over Bucky’s shoulders and down his chest, leaving goosebumps in their wake.

Somehow Bucky suddenly felt unusually self-conscious as Steve was looking him up and down, taking in every last detail. It was stupid, really – Steve had seen him shirtless countless times before, even in bed (well, fine, that might have been a few years back and in a completely different context but whatever), and there certainly were more than a sketch or two of a half-naked Bucky in his sketchbook as well, but Bucky couldn’t help it. Biting his lip unconsciously, he felt his heart racing in his chest and his dick giving an interested twitch despite his nervousness as Steve’s hands ghosted over the bare skin of his stomach and down only to trail to his waist. Bucky bit back a soft groan, telling his body this certainly wasn’t the right moment to get aroused and mentally cursing when it didn’t help at all. This was just cuddling and touching, nothing else, he reminded himself.

“You’re so gorgeous, you know that?” Steve asked quietly and met Bucky’s gaze with wonder in his eyes.

Hoping that his blush wasn’t visible in the dim light, Bucky quipped with a smile, “I’m the one who’s supposed to tell you you’re gorgeous,” and lay down next to him, pulling Steve onto the mattress as well. “C’mere.”

Steve pulled up the front of his own shirt a little and pressed his warm skin against Bucky’s side, then he rested his palm on Bucky’s chest, moving his thumb back and forth. Bucky smiled and squeezed Steve’s hand before putting his arm around him and pulling him a little closer, revelling in his warmth. As Steve’s fingers slowly moved over Bucky’s skin, Bucky closed his eyes to concentrate on the sensation. Never in a million years would he have believed this would ever happen, and yet here he was with Steve snuggling against him and caressing him.

“Best. Day. Ever.” he whispered as he slowly felt himself drifting off to sleep and Steve hummed in agreement, kissed Bucky’s cheek and snuggled further under the covers.

***

Just as Steve was about to head out the door late the next afternoon, insisting he needed to go home and do his laundry before he went to visit his mother when Bucky pouted, Bucky’s phone started playing Black Sabbath. Before he could assure Steve it was just Tony – he didn’t even have to look at the screen, Bucky had changed Tony’s ringtone on his phone to the song mainly to mock him (and he always personalised every single one of his friends’ ringtones so he knew who was calling) – Steve handed him the phone, placed a quick kiss and closed the door behind him so fast that Bucky didn’t have any time to protest or pull him back for another kiss.

With a sigh Bucky looked at his mobile for a moment, debating whether or not he could just let it go to voicemail. Since Tony barely bothered to call, though, he probably deemed whatever he wanted to talk about important and Bucky had no doubt that he’d just keep calling, so he slid his thumb over the screen to accept the call and flopped down on his bed. “Yeah?”

“Come over right now,” Tony announced without preamble, sounding unjustifiably impatient.

Bucky blinked in confusion, trying to remember if he had forgotten he and Tony had plans, but nothing came to his mind. “What?”

“Project Iron Man has started and I want you at my place in half an hour,” his friend said matter-of-factly as if that clarified everything.

“Tony, what the hell? I’d never make it in half an hour and I’m not gonna –”

But Tony didn’t let him finish. “You said you were going to help me.”

“Oh my fucking god, you’re so annoying. I said I’d _think_ about it,” Bucky huffed into his phone and tucked his legs under himself as he leaned back against the wall. “And I told you I already have a job so I don’t have time to work on one of your crazy seven-plus months projects.”

“I’ll pay you way better than your boss.”

“That’s great, Tony, but I don’t wanna give up working at the garage. I like it, it’s fun and my co-workers are great guys.”

On the other end of the line, Tony huffed and complained, “Are you saying it wouldn’t be fun working with me?”

“I’m saying I don’t wanna quit.” Also working with Tony could be exasperating but he certainly wouldn’t mention that.

“How about you reduce your hours at the garage and work the other hours with me? I want your help, Barnes, do you have any idea what a huge honour that is?”

“More like a pain in the ass,” Bucky grumbled quietly.

“Come on, Buckaroo, we’re on break anyway. Why won’t you help out a friend?”

Even if arguing would surely be pointless, Bucky did his best to reason. “Because I still have two projects I gotta finish and then I wanted to spend my time with Steve and in the garage and working on my car.”

He wasn’t sure why he didn’t just hang up; really, he should just end the call and switch off his phone, but Tony was already talking again. “Think about it. You can get the money you need to restore your car way faster if you work with me – and I hope you noticed I said _with_ me, not _for_ me –, even if you keep your job at the garage. And think about your rent and the student loans. C’mon, Barnes, you’re the only one who’s handy and clever enough to build this with me. You’re the most capable person I know who isn’t me.”

“If you’re so brilliant why don’t you just do it by yourself?!”

The line was quiet for a few seconds, then Tony said, “’cause I might need someone to help me with the heavy lifting and all the hardware. And to make sure that Dum-E doesn’t do anything stupid while I’m trying on the suit.”

“And…?”

“And Pepper may have mentioned she’d kick my ass if I stay buried in my lab for weeks on end again so you could also remind me to go out once in a while and tell her I’m fine,” Tony muttered.

“So I’m actually just supposed to be there as your and your robot’s babysitter?!”

“No! That would just be a tiny side-effect that Pepper cares about. I honestly esteem your talent.”

“Forget it.” No sweet-talk would make Bucky agree with this.

After several more seconds of silence and some quiet shifting noises in the background Tony grumbled, “You’re not gonna make me beg, Barnes.”

“I don’t want you begging, I told you that there’s a lot of other stuff I have to do.”

“You could talk to your professor and ask her if she’d be willing to let you do it as your final project,” Tony argued. “I know robotics and weapon engineering aren’t your main focus but you could have some of the plans as reference if you don’t want to do this as final project. There’s plenty of possibilities to make changes and built prostheses or something. We both know you’ve been looking for a good project for months. And you can use my lab for that instead of the one on campus.”

Finally, that made Bucky prick up his ears. Tony had an excellent point; Bucky still needed ideas for his final project and he should get started on it soon if he didn’t want to go in debt even more because he needed another semester to finish his studies and the project. There was no way he was just going to change Tony’s sketches and plans (not that he honestly thought Tony would allow that, anyway) but maybe working with him would lead to a sparking idea and building prostheses was indeed something Bucky had been interested in a few semesters ago. He would have to look for his initial sketches, go over them and re-engineer them and then…

“Fine, I’ll send her an e-mail and ask for her opinion. Then we’ll talk.”

“Good. I expect to hear from you till tonight.”

“Tony, you know she might not even answer that fas-” Bucky started to protest again, but Tony had already hung up. Muttering a curse, Bucky rolled off the bed to grab his laptop, opened his e-mail account and started typing. When he’d sent the message he decided it wouldn’t do any harm to continue working on the project that was due next, especially if he indeed decided to help Tony and get started on his final project soon.

Three and a half cups of coffee and more than five hours of work later he craned his neck, groaning at the satisfying pop in his back, and yawned as he leaned back in his chair. It was almost midnight and only now Bucky realised how tired he was. Before he shut off the computer he checked his e-mails once again and to his surprise his professor had already replied, saying she liked the idea and he should come see her the following week to talk about it and figure out what exactly he could work on. He confirmed the appointment, switched off the laptop and went into his tiny bathroom to get ready for bed.

When he was finally under the covers, Bucky grabbed his phone and found a few texts from Steve, Bruce and Nat and two messages from Tony asking if he’d heard anything back yet. Even though Bucky would love to keep Tony in suspense he deemed it wise to send him a quick reply. If there was one thing that was more important to Bucky than teasing his friend when he’d been annoying and making him wait it was his sleep and he had no doubt Tony would terrorise him at ass o’clock in the morning so he tapped a few words, hit send and put his phone on silent without waiting for a reply.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we're back at this story again, finally! Between papers for university, personal stuff, taking care of my mental health and another Stucky fic I started this chapter took way too long and I hope you're all still with me and enjoy it! I have no idea when I'll be able to upload again (or where exactly we're heading) but I really appreciate all of your support so thank you for that c:


	36. Chapter 36

“Y’know, I think you should apologise to Peggy. And Sharon, too, probably,” Steve murmured a few days later and pressed his lips against Bucky’s temple.

And what. The. Hell. Why would Steve be thinking about Peggy when he and Bucky had just cuddled up on Bucky’s sofa bed and Bucky allowed his boyfriend to play with his hair (because let’s be real, that was a fucking privilege, okay? His hair was shiny and soft and fabulous, even if it was a bit long, and he didn't let anyone else touch it - except for his Ma, occasionally, but that was different.). Sure, Bucky still felt a little bit ashamed of being such an ass to the girls but how could he have known? Steve had been sending all the right signals towards Peggy. (Alright, maybe not, maybe Bucky had just been an idiot who had read all the signs wrong, or rather completely ignored every sign there had been, but whatever.)

He grumbled something unintelligible and pouted, convinced Steve had no right to tell him anything like that. Unfortunately, Steve had him pretty much wrapped around his little finger so when he laid a finger under Bucky’s chin and tilted his head until their eyes met and then placed a few soft kisses on Bucky’s lips Bucky instantly forgot that he was supposed to be sulking.

Steve pressed a last kiss to the tip of Bucky’s nose. “You know they only wanted what’s best for us, right? Peggy was so supportive.”

“Huh?” It took Bucky a moment to come up with something, anything, really, that he could say and that wouldn’t be either rude or incredibly dumb. Eventually he settled for a muttered, “Well, Sharon seemed like she intentionally wanted me to think you’re still into her.”

“Oh come on, Buck, I doubt she would ever do anything like that. Please, at least talk to Peggy?” And then the guy actually had the nerve to emphasize his plea with a few more sweet, soft kisses. How could he. Bucky was stunned in light of so much audacity. This was so not fair, and Steve damn well knew that. At least Bucky thought he knew.

“Fine,” he gave in but made it a point to pout at Steve again. “I’ll text her. I’ll even send her a sad emoji and say I was an idiot. And I’ll thank her for verbally kicking my ass and pointing me in the right direction. You happy now?”

“Very.”

They were quiet for a while until Bucky moved down the sofa a little, snuggled against Steve’s chest and pushed his nose against Steve’s stupidly defined pecs. Sometimes he missed the small guy he’d fallen in love with, the one he could easily wrap up in his arms and smother with his own body, but Steve was still in there, sweet and stupid and stubborn like he’d always been, and those pecs were actually quite nice, Bucky had to admit that. “Can you go back to petting my hair now?”

Steve smiled. “Absolutely.”

No, Bucky most certainly did not make a noise that came close to purring when Steve started trailing his fingers through the slightly curled, dark hair and scratching over Bucky’s scalp. As he revelled in Steve’s attention, Bucky let his thoughts trail. There was a question in the back of his mind, one he’d already attempted to ask but hadn’t gotten around to, and he decided this was as good a time as any to ask.

“Stevie…Why’d you –?” He was interrupted by the ringing of the doorbell. When he instantly froze, Steve gave him a strange look.

“Aren’t you gonna open?”

“Nope. We’ll just pretend we’re not here.”

Cocking a brow, Steve looked at Bucky as if he had a screw loose. “Ooookay. Care to tell me why?”

“This has got to be Tony. No one else comes by without telling me. And he’s been bothering me last night and all morning, I haven’t replied to any of his texts and I bet –” The sound of footsteps hurrying up the stairs before stopping right in front of the door, followed by a knock, silenced Bucky immediately. How had he even gotten into the building?! Bucky pressed a hand over Steve’s mouth and whispered, “Not a peep, I’m begging you,” staring at his boyfriend pleadingly.

“You’re ridiculous,” was Steve’s muffled, whispered answer just as another knock sounded through Bucky’s tiny apartment.

“Barnes, I know you’re in there, I saw light. Come on, I thought we were working together and I have a few more ideas that frankly are brilliant and I need to show you the new plans,” Tony’s voice came from the hallway. “Open up!”

Steve’s hand closed over Bucky’s and he pulled it away as Bucky shook his head frantically. But Steve just ignored him, managed to wiggle out of Bucky’s grip and sneak to the door before Bucky could stop him and instead had to watch in horror as Steve opened the door a small crack and peeked out at a loudly complaining Tony.

“Bucky can’t come to the door right now, you gotta come by later, we’re fucking,” he stated matter-of-factly.

Tony fell silent in an instant and Bucky could only imagine he looked at least as befuddled as he himself felt. Unfortunately, Tony recovered quickly and groused, “Don’t mess with me, Rogers, I know you’re not having sex. You said you don’t like it and you don’t think Barnes is hot.”

“Doesn’t automatically mean I don’t like blowing him. Now stop making a fuss and leave, we’re busy.” And then Steve shut the door in Tony’s face. To everyone’s surprise that seemed to have left Tony speechless – probably for the first time in his entire life.

Bucky looked at him with a raised brow. “You do realise that he won’t let this go just like that, right?” he whispered as Steve flopped down on the bed again. “I mean don’t get me wrong, I love this new side on you, gets me all excited, but he probably hates you now.”

“You’re a jerk, I just bought you a few hours of peace. The least you can do is be nice to me,” Steve muttered and pushed at Bucky’s shoulder.

“Oh Stevie, I could totally return the favour.” The sultry smile and wink he gave Steve earned Bucky another shove.

“I don’t even know why I’m friends with you.”

“You mean why you’re my boyfriend.”

Steve scooted away and glared at Bucky. “I refuse to acknowledge that right now.”

Biting his tongue barely helped, Steve just had to know what Bucky was thinking by the look on his face, but he spared him from any more stupid comments. Instead he eventually asked, “You think Tony fainted or something? I don’t think he’s ever shut up that easily.”

“You wanna go look?”

“Nah. I wanna cuddle with you again. Besides, I hope he just left. Probably to call Nat, tell her everything and try to convince her to threaten us. Come here now, will ya?” Opening his arms for Steve to crawl into them, Bucky made grabby hands.

After a moment, Steve obliged with a sigh and settled against him, his back against Bucky’s chest. “So… What did you wanna ask before Tony interrupted?”

“Uh, well, I was just wondering why you fake proposed in the first place. Been wonderin’ for a while, actually.”

Steve looked a little perplexed, clearly not having expected this sort of question. Which was weird, in Bucky’s opinion, because he had been thinking about it ever since Steve had fake-proposed. “Uh, well…” He trailed off and started chewing on his lip for a few seconds. “I don’t know, I guess it was mostly just because I had read about people doing that for free desserts some time ago and that seemed kinda funny but I never… I never thought I’d do that, y’know, like that’s the kinda stuff people in movies and stories do. And then we had some beer and you were flirting with the waitress and it was annoying me and I just thought fuck it. Mostly to see the look on her face, partly also to see yours and how fast you’d react. Maybe even to embarrass you. Make it something we could laugh about later. I actually thought you’d give me away in a second. And then Becca came and there was no taking it back. I never expected something like that would happen, I mean, I was convinced that you were …”

“…sex obsessed and didn’t like you that way?” Bucky finished, and maybe that dig was mean and unnecessary but he couldn’t help it. Steve was his world but that did not mean that Bucky could and would just forget and dismiss everything that had happened, and he definitely wasn’t over it yet.

Steve swallowed and gave a small nod. “Yeah. And I’m really sorry.”

“I know. I’m working on forgiving you.” Even if he still wasn’t sure how exactly to do that.

“Thank you,” Steve whispered, then asked so quietly that Bucky barely heard it, “May I kiss you?”

When Bucky nodded Steve cupped his cheek with his hand, leaned in and pressed his lips against Bucky’s in a long, soft kiss. “I wish I could turn back time.”

“Me too.”

***

That evening, they decided to cook – or rather, Steve decided he’d cook while Bucky watched, they had lived through enough disasters of Bucky trying to make edible food – and watch movies until they fell asleep. They were in the middle of an action movies marathon (“These explosions are _so_ unrealistic.” “Shhh!” “They aren’t even _saying_ anything!”), snuggled together and with a bowl of chips in Bucky’s lap when Steve faced Bucky and said, “I had a few date ideas, y’know, if you wanna…”

Bucky turned his attention to Steve, ignoring the boring romantic subplot dialogue. “Lemme hear ‘em. I also thought of a couple ones.”

“Well, uh, I actually thought we could write them down and make a date idea jar or something like that.”

“What are you, Mr Pinterest?” Bucky teased and kissed the tip of Steve’s nose when he made a face. “I’m kidding, anything you want. That might actually be kinda cute. But not now. I don’t wanna stop cuddling.”

Steve hummed in agreement, started playing with Bucky’s hair again and closed his eyes. The movie most certainly wasn’t the pinnacle of cinematic history and he’d soon gotten bored by fake screams and even faker explosions. Even the low budget shark movies they occasionally watched were more interesting, they were so bad that he could at least laugh about them. There was something, one thing he was sure Bucky wouldn’t object to, though, he suddenly thought. “Y’know what I really wanna do right now?”

Bucky turned around and pushed his face into the nook of Steve’s neck. “Do tell.”

“Build a blanket fort.”

As he was looking up at Steve, a grin slowly spread over Bucky’s face. “That might just be the best idea you’ve ever had.”

“This is definitely not the first time you’ve said that.”

“Well, apparently you get some even better ideas now and then. Let’s do this.” Bucky rolled off his bed and pulled out the under bed drawer to gather every blanket and pillow he owned. Being the first child had the advantage of getting the things his mother had tidied out, including almost half a dozen blankets, a few throw pillows, and a futon mattress that was occasionally used when someone slept over.

When Bucky had pushed the drawer back in, Steve got up, stepped behind Bucky and wrapped his arm around his waist. “We used to do this all the time, remember?”

“Sure I do.” Bucky smiled when Steve kissed his cheek and leaned back against him. “Useta haveta  do this all the time in winter ‘cause you were always cold and that way we could stay warm.”

“What if I told you I was just making excuses?”

“Yeah, right, you were freezing cold to the touch and not into me back then.”

Steve shrugged. “But I already did like cuddling with you.”

“That’s so gay.”

Steve snorted and pressed his face against Bucky’s neck. A second later, Bucky squeaked. “Did you just _bite_ me?!”

“Absolutely not,” Steve claimed innocently.

“ _You just bit me!_ ”

“Nope.” After pressing a quick, wet kiss to the back of Bucky’s neck to soothe the small bite Steve let go of him and picked up the largest blanket. “We gonna clean the desk so we can use it?”

“You’re a kinky little punk, you know that?” Bucky grumbled.

Five minutes later Bucky dragged the futon mattress under the desk and threw the pillows onto it just as Steve returned from the basement where he’d fetched clothespins. Bucky put on some music and they went to work, rearranging furniture, putting heavy books on top of the blankets on the desk so they wouldn’t slip away, pushing chairs into the right position and making sure everything was soft and comfy inside.

They decided to take the string of lights over Bucky’s bed – pretty much the only decorative thing he owned, thanks to his sister – into the blanket fort to make it even cosier, along with a bunch of snacks and two cups of cocoa. It was still too warm to cuddle up with a blanket for a longer period of time so those served exclusively for making the fort as big and dark as possible, held up by Bucky’s desk chair, another, smaller chair he used to put his clothes on, a broomstick, a shelf, the back of his day bed and the desk. Now they only had to hope the whole thing didn’t collapse on them if they accidentally bumped against anything.

Half an hour later, Bucky had been the first one to crawl inside and now had to bite his lip to keep himself from laughing as Steve crept into the blanket fort, careful not to bump into anything and make the whole structure collapse. He looked absolutely ridiculous crawling inside with his broad shoulders and his head ducked to make himself smaller – not that Bucky had looked any better, he assumed, but it was still adorable. When Steve finally sank down next to him Bucky pulled him into a kiss and Steve chuckled against his lips before he drew back.

Fighting to get his smile under control and give Bucky a stern look, Steve finally managed to appear at least somewhat serious – that was until he lowered his eyes only to look up at Bucky through his lashes a second later. “And now I need you to cuddle me. Hard,” he rasped in a voice that sounded like straight out of a bad porn.

With a laugh and a shake of his head, Bucky pulled Steve against himself. “C’mere you punk. Do I wanna know where that voice came from?”

“Probably not,” Steve grinned and pecked Bucky’s lips again. Bucky sighed contentedly and rested a hand on Steve’s hip. It didn’t take long for soft pecks to turn into deeper kisses, panting breaths and roaming hands. Bucky was already afraid it might cross a line when Steve suddenly got to his knees without ever breaking the kiss and moved until he was straddling Bucky’s hips. If Bucky had known building a blanket fort would result in this he would have suggested it far sooner, he thought and smiled against Steve’s lips. Then again, if he had known Steve reciprocated his feelings he would have done a lot of things far sooner.

Keeping himself from moaning and bucking his hips up against Steve was harder than Bucky would admit but he managed to control himself and just place his hands on Steve’s waist. Seriously, that waist was probably the only part of Steve’s body that had stayed unchanged by his growth spurt and why was he even thinking about this while Steve was on top of him, kissing his neck and teasing his fingertips under the hem of Bucky’s shirt?! He really needed to sort out his priorities.

As he slid one of his hands up Steve’s back to the back of his head Bucky returned the kisses fervently and then ran his fingers through Steve’s hair until he could grasp a few longer strands on the top of his head. When Steve tried to nibble and suck on Bucky’s bottom lip (with emphasis on “tried” because he had yet to get the hang of it) Bucky grinned and in turn nipped on Steve’s lip. Then Steve ducked his head to kiss along Bucky’s jaw and down his neck Bucky couldn’t hold back a choked off groan. He could feel Steve huffing a breath against his skin, followed by a shiver running down his spine, and god, if that wasn’t the sweetest kind of torture. Pulling Steve up again, Bucky looped his arms around the back of Steve’s neck and captured his lips in another kiss.

He tried to focus on how ridiculous Steve’s shoulder-to-waist ratio was on how Tony liked to call him Dorito, anything to get his body to stay calm. But no matter how much he slowed down the kissing and tried to think about anything else it was downright impossible to concentrate on anything but Steve with his hands on Bucky’s skin and his lips against Bucky’s and Steve’s thighs pinning his hips down and his crotch practically pressed up against Bucky’s and – “Steve… Stevie, we gotta… I need a break, hold on for a sec, will ya?”

Steve immediately rolled off of Bucky, almost knocking over the broom, and looked at him with worry. “You okay? Did I do anything wrong? Are you hurt?”

Taking a deep breath, Bucky shook his head and smiled reassuringly. “No, it‘s fine. Truth is you’re getting me all worked up and I just need a minute to catch my breath, okay?”

“Oh, yeah, sure, sorry,” Steve stammered and Bucky could swear he was blushing a little.

“Don’t apologise, it’s fine and ‘s not like I ain’t enjoying it, I mean it’s the exact opposite. I just don’t wanna make you uncomfortable.”

“I can deal with you having a boner, y’know. After all, you had to deal with mine, too. Well, not _deal_ with it, you know what I mean,” he grumbled when Bucky started chuckling.

“Oh yes, I’ve dealt with it. And lemme tell you, it was a _hard_ ship,” Bucky smirked.

Rolling his eyes, Steve sank back onto the mattress and groaned in faux exasperation. “I hate you so much.”

“Really? Wouldn’t that be a _pain in the ass_ , being my boyfriend and all?” There, he’d said it out loud, to Steve, oh god, this was still new and exciting and at the same time he felt like a school kid with their first crush. Once again.

“Stop being a dick, I’m really not into those.”

Bucky poked Steve’s side in triumph. “Hah! I knew you had in you, Rogers!”

“Shut up, jerk.”

“Make m– ah! Hey! No stop it stop stop Steve no stop argh! Not like this!” Bucky squeaked while he desperately tried to defend himself against Steve’s tickling fingers.

“If you stop this idiocy and embr _ace_ me I might think about it,” Steve retorted with a grin as he kept poking and ticking Bucky’s sides, making him squirm and try to bat Steve’s hands away.

“If that’s s’posed to be an asexual pun it’s horri– No no no I take it back it’s brilliant stop it please!” Bucky begged, panting and laughing tears.

“Only if we can make that jar. Now.” Nobody could say Steve wasn’t a man who knew when to use an opportunity and get what he wanted.

“Fine, yes, ah, anything, just stop it!” Well, at least that helped against his hard on, he thought as Steve finally let up on him and Bucky could catch his breath.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inktober and Real Life (ugh) kept me from writing more than a few dozen words every other week but we finally have a new chapter AND it is a bit longer than most AND silly lovebirds being cute and ridiculous AND stupid puns AND lots of date ideas for the next chapters ^_^ I hope you like this update and I'd love to hear from you and know if there are any dates you'd like to see because I'm so curious about your ideas and maybe we can cross some of your and my ideas off the list!


	37. Chapter 37

“So? What’s the deal now? How’s it been? I need to know _everything_. Right now!” Becca exclaimed, poking her brother with a spoon for emphasis. They were sitting in a booth at their favourite ice cream parlor – the only way Becca had gotten Bucky to agree to meet her. He had already suspected she would want to talk about his recent behaviour, especially the part where he had completely shut himself off from everybody.

“Hey! Stop it! There’s not much to tell anyway…” he tried, but Becca didn’t believe a single word.

“I know for a fact that that’s a lie.”

“Oh do you now?” Bucky grumbled and wrestled the spoon from Becca’s hand before she could start poking him again, making her protest loudly.

“Hell yes. Something was very, very strange at the golden wedding anniversary, and then your and Steve’s fight and you being a total wuss, not talking to Steve in forever and burying yourself in your apartment? Please, not even mom and dad thought it was a normal relationship fight or whatever. And Natasha was making all sorts of weird comments.”

Uh-oh. A cold feeling settled in Bucky’s gut. What had Natasha said? “It’s not what you think it is, jeez,” Bucky tried and instantly realised how stupid he sounded.

So did his sister. “Isn’t that what people say when they get caught cheating? Bucky, I know you’re an idiot but that’s not y- wait. Hold on. Hold the fuck up. You _were_ cheating! I was right!” Strangely enough, her furious expression immediately changed into a triumphant one. “Hah! Peter owes me ten bucks!”

Bucky’s eyes grew wide. “You and Peter bet I was cheating on Steve?! What the _fuck_ , Becca?!”

“No, what the fuck, _Bucky_? And also not cheating cheating. On Steve, I mean. We bet that something shady was going on – well, I did, Peter was convinced everything’s just fine. But you lied. To everyone. _What the fuck, Bucky?!_ ”

Shushing his little sister, Bucky sent apologising glances around the parlor. “Okay, first of all, stop screaming, for fuck’s sake. And I don’t, I mean we didn’t…” Bucky heaved a sigh and rubbed a hand over his face. Maybe it was time to set some more things right. “I can explain. Just promise me you won’t tell Ma and Dad, yeah? Please. Sarah can’t know.”

Becca opened her mouth, obviously to protest, then halted and squinted at her brother. “Wait a minute. You did all of that for Sarah?!” With fury in her eyes, Becca slapped Bucky over the back of his head. “What the fuck were you thinking?!”

Scooting away from her to save himself from more slaps, Bucky held his hands up – whether to calm her down or in surrender, he wasn’t quite sure himself. “Alright, stop hurting me and I’ll tell you, okay? Just don’t tell anyone else.”

While Becca glared at him and crossed her arms over her chest, Bucky grew even more anxious, until his sister eventually nodded. “Fine, I promise. Now talk.”

So Bucky did. As he had told Phil, Bucky now came clean to Becca – about her terrible timing, the charade they suddenly felt they had to keep up, the new but even bigger familiarity between them, the touches that made him feel all warm and fuzzy inside, his pining, the cuddling, the kiss in front of their entire family, Peggy’s return, the party at Tony’s, his and Steve’s fight, Peggy giving him a piece of her mind, and finally the talk he and Steve had had.

When he had ended, Becca who had been unusually quiet during Bucky’s monologue put her chin on her folded hands and just looked at Bucky with an undecipherable look in her eyes. “You two are by far the biggest fucking idiots I have ever met,” she finally stated and shook her head in disbelief. “I mean, you morons could’ve just _talked_. Ages ago. Or at least you could’ve not gotten your dick sucked by some random guy while your fake boyfriend slash crush was right in the next room. Jesus, Bucky, seriously,” and she pulled a face of disgust.

“Shut up, Becks, I got enough shit for that from everyone else already.” He buried his face in his hands to hide his flush. “I know how stupid it was, okay?”

Becca shrugged and remarked nonchalantly, “Well, on the bright side you may’ve never known about Steve’s feelings for you if that hadn’t happened. Still maybe a bit too much drama, ask me.”

“I hate you.”

Flashing him her biggest smile, Becca leaned closer and snatched a huge spoon of Bucky’s ice cream. “I know.” She grinned and licked her spoon clean, then got serious again. “Who else knows? And you know you’re gonna have to tell Ma something, right? She was worried sick and even grandma asked if everything was okay.”

“Ugh, I know… I just dunno what I’m supposed to tell ‘em, Steve and I’ve never had a fight that lasted more than a couple days so I got no idea what would be believable. And I told my friends. And Phil."

“What? I can’t believe I’m the last one to know!”

“You’re not the last one, and you’re not helping.”

“Why excuse me, I’m entitled to know everything that’s going on in your life. After all I’m your favourite little sister.”

“You’re my only sister,” Bucky corrected and rolled his eyes.

Ignoring his words, Becca finally seemed to try and come up with a solution. “Well, you and Steve have never been engaged in all those years so maybe make up a fight related to that. Or simply say it’s nobody’s business. In fact, nah, don’t do that or everyone will be all over that.”

“About that… we are gonna tell everyone we’re dating. I mean, say we went back to being just boyfriends, I guess.”

Becca snorted but kept her usual sarcastic comment to herself. “As long as they believe that… But I actually think they’re still gonna be happy for you, as long as you two have your shit together now. And how’s the dating life treating you, eh?” she added and wiggled her brows suggestively.“Ha ha. Steve actually is asexual so there’s nothing to tell, not that I’d ever talk about something like that with you.”

“You just told me about your random blow job! And just so we’re clear: Gross. Definitely TMI. I think I need to bleach my brain.”

“At least you didn’t have to walk in on –”

“That was _one_ time and I’m _always_ telling you to fucking knock!”

“Second worst day of my life, I almost throw up, seriously.”

“Stop it or I am gonna tell Ma.”

Glaring at his sister, Bucky growled, “You wouldn’t dare.”

“Try me.” Becca looked at her brother defiantly. When Bucky didn’t reply she smirked and finally decided a change of topic was in need. “Anyway, seriously, how is it to be dating your best friend?”

Staring off in the distance, Bucky shrugged. “It’s mostly great. As long as we see each other. Right now though…”

Since Steve had started his summer job it Bucky had the feeling he barely saw him anymore. Sure, during the semester they mostly only saw each other between classes and on weekends but now it was even less and Bucky missed him. Like hell, actually, and the mixtape Steve had managed to smuggle into Bucky’s backpack with a note reading he was looking forward to their next date had only managed to make Bucky feel a little better. Don’t get him wrong, he loved the thought Steve had put into it and Bucky couldn’t even remember mentioning some of the songs that were on the tape and his heart had leapt. Listening to it while he was working underneath an ancient pickup made him feel all gooey inside since Steve had managed to pick songs that meant the world to Bucky and reminded him of all their adventures of mischief, but it wasn’t the same as having Steve close.

“Y’know, it’s amazing to spend time with him but he has this stupid job now and I agreed to work on some project with Tony and he’s taking all my time when I’m not in the garage since Steve is busy the entire day anyway. Didn’t think it’d be like that,” Bucky grumbled.

“You should just go over to his place and bring him some food or something. Just please don’t cook it yourself.”

Bucky gave Becca a small smile. “I should, yeah. Sleeping next to him because he’s so damn exhausted is still better than just hearing him fall asleep over the phone I guess.” Yeah, that was definitely good advice. “I’ll to that tomorrow night, though; Tony’s got plans for ass o’clock in the morning. I hate morning people.”

*

When he finally got home again that evening, making Becca promise yet again she wouldn’t tell their parents anything, Bucky thought about her question. Yeah, it was great being able to call Steve his boyfriend (he was _not_ adorable, everyone does that with their partner, you’re just weird because you call _your_ boyfriend a disaster on caffeine, however affectionately, shut up, Natasha) but he had thought they’d be able to spend more time together. And they’d have the opportunity to explore this new dimension of their relationship. And also kisses. Lots of kisses.

So much for that.

It kind of was like pining all over again, with the difference that he now actually could hold and kiss Steve – in theory, because that fucking job was taking up all of his time. And Bucky was grumpy. So grumpy, in fact, that Steve apologised profusely when Bucky finally managed to get him on the phone that evening after not having heard anything from his boyfriend in three days (no, Bucky was certainly not clingy, thank you very much, he was just worried Steve might have been run over by a subway. Or something.) and immediately suggested they’d consult their new date jar and have their first creative date this Sunday.

Bucky’s protest that they should just stay in bed all day, eat chips, ice cream and cookies and cuddle was gently overruled by Steve and he finally gave in when Steve promised he’d sleep at Bucky’s place the night before and they could do just that.

“It’ll be fun, Buck, we have so many ideas.”

“Yeah, fine, whatever, it’s still so long till Sunday,” Bucky kept grumbling. He couldn’t let Steve know that the prospect of spending an entire day and a great date with Steve made his stomach flutter. That was just so uncool. Bucky had a reputation to uphold, after all. “You gonna pick one now?”

“Sure, hold on a sec.” There was shuffling on Steve’s side, a soft curse following a thump and then more rustling before Steve exclaimed, “Got it.”

Bucky could hear him unscrewing the lid and paper crinkle as Steve fished out a slip of paper. The line was quiet for a while and Bucky was about to ask Steve if he was still there when Steve said, “Bucky?”

“Yeah?”

“‘Destroying toxic masculinity and the patriarchy’ does not count as cute date idea.”

“Why the hell not?”

Bucky could perfectly imagine Steve searching for a serious answer, running a hand through his hair and then rolling his eyes in exasperation.

“It’s not… Bucky, seriously, how do you suggest we do that?!”

“See, that’s the cool thing about it, it’s a creative date. We can think about it together, do… I don’t know, maybe dress up in all pink or skirts or something and make out in the middle of Times Square so everyone can see us and piss people off. And then we could go to DC, storm the White House and declare anarchy. Or something. There are millions of options.”

“Are you on drugs?”

“Nope.”

“Moron… We’re not gonna storm the White House. How do you even wanna get there?!”

Bucky shrugged even though Steve couldn’t see it.

“I’m gonna pick another one, okay?”

“Fine. But put that one back in.”

Bucky could hear Steve mumbling something along the lines of this being ridiculous and he grinned to himself. Then there was some rustling and a moment later Steve read, “’Bucky’s surprise date idea’. What’s that s’posed to mean?”

“Oh, you’ll see. Actually, that’s a great one, can’t wait!”

“Bucky…”

“No ‘Bucky…’! It’s a secret but I swear you’re gonna love it. It’s kinda illegal but eh, like you give a shit.”

“Buck, what the hell are you planning?!” Now Steve sounded alarmed.

“You made a surprise date, now it’s my turn. Gotta deal with it, pal.”

Some more grumbling could be heard on Steve’s end of the line, then he caved and changed the topic. “Hey, listen, we still gotta talk to our families, y’know… What’re we gonna tell them? I mean, you haven’t said anything yet, have you?”

On his way home Bucky had texted Steve that he’d talked to his sister but had spared most of the details. “Only that we’re still figuring things out. Becca knows, though, but she promised not to say a word.”

“Alright… What’d you tell her, anyway?”

“Uh… everything. You know how she is, she never would’ve stopped asking. And she actually got me thinking.”

“That so?” The teasing tone in Steve’s voice was obvious but Bucky chose to ignore it for once.

“Yeah. I was wondering if I could come an’ sleep over at your place tomorrow night? Even if it’s just to sleep. We can make it work in your bed somehow, hell, we could sleep on the floor for all I care. I just wanna see you.”

For a moment Steve stayed quiet, then he murmured, “I miss you too, Buck. And sure you can come over.”

Bucky smiled, but there was something else he wanted to say. Rebecca had indeed made him think about their whole previous situation again and he didn’t know if he’d be able to get it out when he actually saw Steve. “Stevie?”

“Yeah?”

“Can I tell you something? Without you feeling bad about it?”

“Sure. And I’ll do my best.”

“I... I haven’t slept with anyone in, uhm… around nine or ten months. Until Matt, kinda, I guess. Not since I figured out, or, well, rather admitted to myself that I’m actually in love with you. Yknow, when I finally admitted that I just didn't wanna. I couldn’t. Just wanted you to know.”

There was another pause, just a short beat of silence, then Steve sighed, “Buck, I'm so sorry I ever said or even thought that. And I’m sorry for making you feel terrible.”

“You said you’d try not to feel bad,” Bucky reminded him. “And y’know, I kinda wanted you to think I was banging more people than I actually did when we were in high school.”

“Why?”

“Thought you’d think I'm awesome, that it’d make me look cooler.” Looking back at it, Bucky really felt stupid.

And then Steve had the audacity to snort a laugh. “Buck, you’ve never been cool for even one minute of your entire life.”

„Excuse you?! I’m the coolest person you’ve ever had the honor of meeting! I crowd surfed at that Green Day concert and got a shout out from Billy Joe!”

“You and how many others?”

“It was epic, okay?”

“You’re not cool, Barnes, you’re a fucking nerd.”

“Says the wannabe art teacher. You can sleep alone tomorrow night.”

“You miss me way too much to let me sleep alone, just admit it.” When Bucky didn’t say anything, Steve continued in his sweetest voice, “cause I miss you a lot and I wanna cuddle you in my sleep and spoon you and I got a feeling you really like that, too. And I’d wake you up with kisses.”

Bucky snorted. “Oh you think that’s gonna cut it?”

“Well, yeah, you’re a sucker for cuddles.”

With a dramatic huff, Bucky replied, “Fine. But only ‘cause you’re a decent cuddler.”

“I’m not gonna comment on that,” Steve chuckled. “So I’m gonna see you tomorrow night?”

“Yeah. See you, punk.”

“Love you.”

It was ridiculous how two simple words could make Bucky feel giddy like a teenage boy all over again but he couldn’t help but softly say, “Love you, too. And you better be looking forward to our awesome date.” Maybe he was a hopelessly sappy romantic after all but no one but Steve had to know that.

“I can’t wait.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That feel when you gotta reread the last chapters to remember what happened... With that, I apologize to keep you waiting for so long but uni & my life are crazy busy and my mental health didn't allow me to write more than a few sentences at once ._.  
> Hope you guys like this update and are still with me and this story, I'm thankful for any and all comments and your patience!! ♥  
> (Also over 10000 hits, holy fuck, you don't even know how happy that makes me!!)


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